Arnold Schwarzenegger is in New York today to be on one of my favorite TV shows! That’s right, he’s a guest on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon to promote his new movie, Sabotage. And he’s also on some other show filming live from New York tonight – Brooklyn to be more precise. He’s one of the guest hosts of Monday Night RAW! But we’ll get there in a little bit. Some other stuff happens first. What kind of stuff? I guess you’ll have to read on!
I watched 2 hours of this show and still have no idea what happened, so I’ll start over and post my findings here. Go ahead, click the “Read More” link. You know you want to.
We are LIVE from the Barclay’s Center in Brooklyn, NY! Will we get the long awaited return of JTG? I don’t know! What we do get is Stephanie McMahon. She says Daniel Bryan isn’t here tonight and that her husband is going to leave WrestleMania as the WWE World Heavyweight Champion. You know who takes exception to that? The WWE World Heavyweight Champion, Randall Keith Orton. Well, actually, he agrees with everything Stephanie says, but begs her to tell Triple H not to go for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship at WrestleMania for Triple H’s safety. Batista comes out and has technical difficulties with his microphone before he tells Orton not to drool on Stephanie. He says she’s been drooled on a lot before. She slaps the stupid sunglasses off of his head. He spears Orton and holds up the WWE World Heavyweight Championship(s). And he split his skinny jeans in the process.
Big E is at ringside as we have a Fatal-Four-Way to determine the number one contender for the Intercontinental Championship. The winner faces Big E for the title on Main Event tomorrow. The participants are Sheamus, Christian, Dolph Ziggler, and Alberto Del Rio. This match is just as boring as it sounds. Christian winds up winning after dropping Ziggler, who was rolling, with the Killswitch. Whoopity doo. I know what I’m not watching tomorrow at 8PM. Big E offers a handshake. Christian refuses it.
Bray Wyatt says that people don’t believe in things they can’t see or touch. But we can see John Cena. You can’t miss him with all the billboards and infomercials being shoved down your throats every day. He ponders if Cena has ever looked at him for what he really is. Beyond time Wyatt stands. What could Cena possibly do to harm something that just can’t feel? Luke Harper says he hears Cena whispering, and now they’re coming to find him. Run.
The Mystery Machine pulls up into the arena, and Sin Cara comes out with Scooby Doo. Sin Cara, with Scooby Doo in his corner – which means we need to add an “In Wrestling” section to Scooby’s Wikipedia page for “wrestlers managed” – faces Damien Sandow in a short match that Sin Cara wins with the Swanton. They tell me that Scooby Doo WrestleMania Mystery is available tomorrow – but they had it at my local WalMart last week.
Los Matadores take on RybAxel, who are no longer in the ARMBAR at WrestleMania, instead going now for the Tag Team Championship instead. RybAxel are all over Los Matadores, but get distracted when The Shield arrive ringside – and Curtis Axel gets rolled up, giving the victory to Fernando and Diego. Roman Reigns takes out Axel, and then the entire Shield take out Ryback, putting him down with the triple powerbomb.
Michael Cole and Triple H have a sit down interview in the ring. The whole interview is basically Triple H trying to explain to Cole the difference between Triple H the COO and Triple H the competitor. He says Daniel Bryan and the fans asked for Triple H the competitor and they got him last week.
Cody Rhodes takes on Fandango, which was set up by the match last week between Fandango and Goldust. Cody picks up the win after Fandango gets distracted by a dancing Goldust, and a dancing Summer Rae, who falls and hurts her ankle.
Hulk Hogan comes out and introduces Arnold Schwarzenegger and Joe Manganiello from the new movie Sabotage. Schwarzenegger puts over Bruno Sammartino, Hulk Hogan, and Andre The Giant in his speech. He offers to enter himself and Manganiello into the Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal (ARMBAR). Miz comes out and tells them that he’s going to win the ARMBAR at WrestleMania and they should all get out of his ring. Manganiello tells Miz to make them. Miz tries to punch Manganiello, who blocks it, and hits The Miz with a right of his own, followed by a slap from Arnold, and Hogan tossing Miz from the ring. Brother Count: 6
Titus O’Neil faces The Big Show. Picture that match in your mind. Did you see Big Show knock out Titus? Congratulations, you just watched this match without actually watching RAW.
Backstage, The Shield question The Authority about Kane and the Outlaws attacking them on Friday. Stephanie says if they want to take out some aggression, they’ve got The Real Americans in a tag match tonight.
Elsewhere backstage, John Cena is washing his face, and a sheep mask appears in the mirror. For a second there, I thought we were going to get some Hulk Hogan/Ultimate Warrior WCW level shit – but instead it’s just Cena turning around to see nothing.
Luke Harper takes on John Cena in a rematch from last Friday night. That’s right, Western New York’s own Luke Harper taking on Cena on RAW. Harper actually puts on a hell of a showing against Cena, and the crowd is solidly behind him. Just when it looks as if Cena is going to mount a comeback, the lights go out. When they come back on, Cena is tied up in the ropes wearing the sheep mask. Wyatt calls him two faced. Follow The Buzzards. The Brooklyn fans chant “This Is Awesome.” I agree!
It’s a Diva’s match. Just in time – I need to pee. Anyways, it’s Naomi vs. AJ, and AJ walks out with the Diva’s Championship and gets counted out. It was a Diva’s Title match, so AJ lost the match, but not the title. Vickie Guerrero comes out and takes exception to things AJ said about her on SmackDown. Vickie calls her a real bitch. So tonight, she’s announcing that at WrestleMania, AJ will compete in the Vickie Guerrero Diva’s Championship Invitational against Naomi, Cameron, Brie Bella, Nikki Bella, Natalya, Eva Marie, Emma, Aksana, Alicia Fox, Summer Rae, Rosa Mendes, Layla, and Tamina. Hmm… Kid Rock has an official theme song for this WrestleMania, there’s a match with every Diva on the roster… Plan your piss breaks accordingly, kids.
“Before the Rattlesnake. Before DX. Before The Rock. One man proved that it can be good to be The Bad Guy.” Scott Hall – apparently as Razor Ramon – is officially confirmed for the WWE Hall of Fame! No mention of the nWo though. That’s interesting.
Next week, we’re getting Randy Orton vs. Batista one on one. Daniel Bryan sent out a tweet earlier today confirming what The Authority has said – he’s not at RAW tonight.
— Daniel Bryan (@WWEDanielBryan) March 24, 2014
Once again we’re getting the Shield team of Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins as they face Jack Swagger and Cesaro, who took them out this past Friday on SmackDown. The match doesn’t even start before The Shield attack The Real Americans. The fans are actually behind Cesaro in this one. I hate how these idiots count the rotations on the swing though – they count way too many because they seem to count every half rotation. The Real Americans actually dominate Ambrose in the early going. It’s weird to see The Shield work the “face in peril” bit. Especially when the fans are behind the other team. Cesaro slaps Ambrose – which wakes Ambrose up enough for him to cause some separation and get the tag to Rollins, who cleans house. Rollins knocks Cesaro into the front row with a suicide dive, then takes out Swagger on the other side with a slingshot move, prompting a “holy shit” chant from the Brooklyn fans. Ambrose and Cesaro battle, with Cesaro sending Ambrose out of the ring. Rollins sends Cesaro crashing after. Swagger gets the Patriot Lock, but Rollins escapes and hits the BlackOut for the win! Wow! Cesaro attacks Rollins from behind, but gets a Superman punch from Roman Reigns for his trouble. As Cesaro rolls out of the ring, he gets the spear! The Shield dismantle the announce table, and Cesaro gets put through it with the Triple Powerbomb. Believe In The Shield! As they celebrate the destruction of Cesaro, Kane and The New Age Outlaws come out to the stage. Kane informs them that they have been signed to a match at WrestleMania against Kane and the New Age Outlaws, who will annihilate them – believe that.
Paul Heyman and Brock Lesnar come out to the ring. Last Tuesday night, The Undertaker told Heyman to inform Lesnar that he’d be in Brooklyn. Heyman puts over the streak and how impressive of an accomplishment it is, as he has been doing. Lesnar snatches the mic. He’s not here to promote, he’s here to fight. He calls out The Undertaker. Druids wheel a casket down to the ring. They really waste a lot of time on Lesnar staring at the casket. Lesnar finally has enough and starts kicking at it. Heyman tries to convince Lesnar to just leave. Lesnar decides not to, and finally opens the casket. It’s empty. He asks if this is some kind of joke before he starts stalking the druids. They take off up the ramp, and Lesnar closes the casket. He says he’s not here to play games. He’s leaving. Heyman says that’s exactly what Undertaker wants him to do. The streak is born in Death Valley, and to Lesnar it’s serious business. Undertaker challenges Lesnar to show up, and the only thing he sends is an empty casket. The casket opens, and The Undertaker is inside. He sits up, and Heyman is terrified, telling Lesnar to get out of the ring. Lesnar isn’t backing down, however. Undertaker takes the fight to Lesnar, and clotheslines him out of the ring and onto the casket. Isn’t that how Shawn Michaels fucked up his back? They both point to the WrestleMania sign. Undertaker is standing tall to bring RAW to a close.
Thoughts: I’m warming up to this WrestleMania card. The undercard is pretty solid, and as long as Bryan beats Triple H, the main event won’t suck either. I’m still not holding my breath for Bryan walking out as Champion, but I’m definitely interested in some of the other stuff.
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