I’ll be honest, iMPACT wasn’t overly horrible this week – but I was barely able to pay attention because I had other stuff going on while the show was on. That said, I’ll try my best to give the show a pretty fair review; after all, we don’t want Disco Inferno whining on his blog about how internet wrestling writers are unfair to the TNA product again, now do we? Of course, it’s not hard to rip on TNA’s booking decisions – there’s a pay-per-view coming up this Sunday, and last night’s show took most of the focus off of the main event and shifted it elsewhere. Hell, the World Champion was overshadowed by a returning Sting in his only segment on the show, not to mention that four of the six guys in one of the other huge matches for this Sunday weren’t even on the show. Yes, Disco – us internet writers are unfair to the TNA product.
Results and not-so-in-depth analysis after the jump.
We kicked things off with Homicide taking on Robert Roode in a parking lot brawl. Roode showed up for a fight in the parking lot wearing his wrestling gear. Hernandez and James Storm were banned from the parking lot during this one. So when a big guy about the size of Storm attacked Homicide while wearing a hood and a bandana over his face, perhaps Don West was right to start screaming “WHO IS THAT? WHO COULD THAT BE!?!” Or not, because I was sitting here in my chair yelling at my TV, “it’s James Storm, you f***ing moron!” Well kids, NostraJOEmas strikes again, because sure enough, when the guy took off his disguise, it was James Storm. Beer Money Inc, as they’re now called, handcuffed Homicide’s arms behind his back, dragged him to the ring, and started whipping him. After taking his sweet ass time to get to the ring, Hernandez started to clean house on Roode and Storm, but was hit by Roode in the back of the head as he attempted to hit the Border Toss on Storm. The heels advantage was short lived though, as Hernandez battled back with a double clothesline. He then took off his belt and proceeded to whip Beer Money Inc, but the challengers for the World Tag Team Championships this Sunday at Victory Road were quick to make their exit. Salinas shows up with the key to the handcuffs to unlock Homicide – which leaves the question, why does one of the face’s cohorts have the key to the heel’s handcuffs?
As she’s unlocking him, Sting’s music plays for some inexplicable reason. He’s in the rafters, and apparently we’re going to find out why he’s back (besides the fact that he has, y’know, one of those contract things) in TNA later on tonight.
Masato Yoshino of Team Japan took on Doug Williams of Team International in a second round World X Cup match – the winner will earn his team two points in the tournament. This match was awesome, and I highly recommend checking it out if it winds up on YouTube or catching the replay of iMPACT on Saturday night just to see this one. Williams picked up the win with a Northern Lights Suplex out of a rollup, bridging the suplex for the pin. Two points for Team International.
Kurt Angle is looking for The Beautiful People backstage – and he finds them doing their makeup. Kurt yells at them and tells them they should be getting ready for their mixed tag team match tonight, do some squats or something. So the girls decide to do some squats, and Angelina needs JB to spot her. She tells him that it had better be his microphone that she feels, he insists it was, but they don’t believe him, and give him the brown paper bag treatment, which is apparently the worst punishment in the world the way JB was begging against it.
Sonjay Dutt was teaching a yoga class or something, and after more boner “humor,” he kicks Petey Williams out for not making payments. Then he’s attacked by Jay Lethal, but escapes by surrounding himself with his little gurus. Meh.
Taylor Wilde is excited to be challenging Kong later tonight.
We get another video package on the career of Matt Morgan, which leads into a clusterf*** of a six man tag, with Morgan, BG James, and Eric Young taking on Kyp James, Tomko, and Petey Williams. It’s a no holds barred falls count anywhere match. Petey gets the pin outside the ring on Eric Young, then Tomko and Petey decide they’re not finished with EY, rolling him into the ring and preparing to hit him with a lead pipe. That’s when Abyss comes to the rescue, chasing everybody off. He goes to pick up the lead pipe, but throws it down, as this is a kinder, gentler Abyss. Or something.
Taylor Wilde gets another crack at Awesome Kong by way of her victory over Raesha Saeed last week. The title is on the line, as well as $25,000. With Roxxi at ringside to keep Saeed from getting involved, Taylor was dominated by Kong, but managed to kick out of a pin attempt after Kong hit the Implant Buster. As Kong is going for her backhand punch, Taylor ducks out of the way and rolls up Kong, surprising her for the three count. We’ve got a new women’s champion, and her name is Taylor Wilde.
Team TNA, who are in last place in the current X Cup standings, are standing by with JB. Kaz gives a passionate speech, which I don’t remember much of because he said we can’t let foriegners come in and piss in our toilets, and he lost me after that.
Anyways, Kaz takes on Ultimo Guerrero in World X Cup competition. This is really where I got distracted, but I did manage to catch Kaz slipping off the top rope while attempting a springboard move, which Guerrero capitalized on, but it was all for nothing – Kaz capitalized on a missed move by Guerrero, catching him with the Wave of the Future, and pinning Guerrero for two big points for Team USA.
Your X Cup Scores after this week:
Team Japan: 3pts
Team TNA: 3pts
Team Mexico: 2pts
Team International: 2pts
AJ Styles, Gail Kim, and ODB are interviewed by Lauren in the back. Blah blah blah, this is wrestling, not a beauty contest, the usual Gail Kim & ODB vs. The Beautiful People promo.
Kurt Angle yells at The Beautiful People in their locker room, again. This time they’re tanning instead of getting ready for their match. Again, I don’t normally do this, but this quote is too good to leave out.
“You’re just like my wife…you only care about how you look…and how big your boobs are. Screw your boobs!” -Kurt Angle
Booker T is in the iMPACT Zone, he wants to apologize to Samoa Joe. Joe comes out, and Booker apologizes for what he’s going to do this Sunday in Houston, which is take Joe’s title. Sting comes out, tells Booker he’s going to be there this Sunday, or something like that.
Main event time, and apparently The Beautiful People are finally ready for the match, as they’re out first. They team with Kurt Angle to take on Gail Kim, ODB, and AJ Styles. Frank Trigg and Karen Angle both make their way out to the ring during this one for some reason. This one ended with AJ flying outside onto Angle and Gail Kim picking up the win over Velvet Sky. Don’t ask me how it happened, but I guess that’s what I get for signing in to AIM when I’m supposed to be watching wrestling. After the match, the heels beat down the faces, but Karen Angle low-blows Kurt when he slaps AJ in the ankle lock. Then Frank Trigg beat down AJ, and Gail Kim got the brown paper bag treatment (oh no!) again.
Then we get a three minute promo for the PPV on Sunday, which now features a rematch between Taylor Wilde and Awesome Kong for the Knockout’s Championship.
Way to sell me on the PPV, TNA. I care less about it this week than I did last week, and can’t even remember what the damned thing is called (I actually had to go onto tnawrestling.com, and it surprised the hell out of me to find out that it’s Victory Road that’s coming up on Sunday. I actually thought it was Against All Odds. That’s how good of a job TNA does at shilling PPVs nowadays.). Whatever, a blah episode of iMPACT leading into what looks to be a blah PPV – and TNA usually does PPV right. This show is barely worth watching anymore.
Like this post? Subscribe to our RSS Feed today and never miss another!