Holy crap I am tired… barely slept last night, and now I am going to watch some iMPACT. This is probably the best mindset to hit good ol’ Crash TV in… let’s see what the little promotion that couldn’t served up for us tonight! The only thing I’m privy to remembering is that Karen Angle-Jarrett tells her story about what happened with her and Kurt. And they call wrasslin’ a soap opera….

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Question: Will it be a winner?

– Answer: Unlikely

– Tonight’s episode is entitled, “Dirty Laundry.” We watch Angle pull up and walk in and tell the audio guy to play his music now! You can’t just walk out anymore because of the force field law passed by legislature in 2009, I guess. The only way the force field can be disrupted is by entrance music.

– Kurt notes that this isn’t just about him and Karen, it does include Jarrett. He points out that whenever he turned around when they were still married in TNA, she always seemed to be with Jeff Jarrett. Kurt says Jarrett made it personal later by constantly referring to him being with Karen about a year ago… Kurt can’t have his character taken from him, “So Karen, we can do this the easy way… or the hard way. The easy way is we can make amends and get along, for the kids. Or you can provoke me, and continue to provoke me… I swear to god I will pull out every single skeleton in your closet.” Cue Jeff Jarrett’s music (force field lowered), and out comes Jarrett’s “team” who is comprised of dudes from his Dojo during his recent MMA shtick. Angle destroys all four in seconds…

– Enter Flair and Bischoff… and the po-po (i.e. the local police, not indie guys… or really non-descript indie guys). The “police” escort Angle out of the iMPACT zone.

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This, sadly, does not happen on iMPACT.

– We are told via an interview with Karen and Jeff that Angle has been escorted from the building. So he will likely run in later tonight at some point.

– Velvet Sky versus Sarita versus Mickie James versus Madison Rayne. You know the rules, since Velvet is out…

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This, sadly, does not happen on iMPACT.

– This turns into a clustershmoz pretty fast as there are no loyalties between any of the Knockouts involved in the match. It’s not too bad of a match, since it allows those involved to hide shortcomings between rest-breaks off camera. Madison Rayne has some glove magical punch deal now, which she sets up to knock out Mickie James as rises from the mat, BUT NO! Instead she takes out Velvet and Sarita, which allows Mickie to roll up Madison for the win!

– Beer Money cut an entertaining vignette backstage about getting revenge on RVD and Mr. Anderson for the assault served to them last week… and we cut to Kurt Angle walking around angrily outside the arena.

– Sometimes I like to rant about history, and tonight I make no exception… Eight years ago today, something hilarious in the world of hockey happened. You may have seen the clip on sports highlight videos, and clips featuring funny moments in sports even if you don’t follow shinny. See… Calgary Flames mascot, Harvey the Hound went from looking like this:

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To looking like this (courtesy of the great Craig MacTavish):


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Bye, bye tongue!


– MID ARTICLE SHAMELESS PLUG!!!! Earlier this week, the collaborative efforts of 5 hockey fans merged to create another installment of PUCK YOU!. Yep, Season 2, episode 2 is up!

– And back to the show… Samoa Joe is talking to his cameraman who has been stalking the Pope, D’Angelo Dinero. It would’ve been hilarious if it was Alex Shelley (if you remember that gimmick), but instead it is some asian dude who looks vaguely familiar… Cut to Ric Flair shilling Rob Terry’s attractiveness to women, and the camera shows three hotties booing the Terry. Flair calls out Matt Morgan…

– Matt Morgan versus Rob Terry. Great… a hossfest. Fortunately, as the bell rings, Terry pulls the ropes to warm up… only to turn around into a big boot to the face from Morgan. Match over… in like 5 seconds. Flair, postmatch, attempts to attack Morgan who no sells it… enter Abyss who does take down the Carbon Blueprint. The numbers game catches up to Matt as the three heels beat him down.

– Tenay and Taz blah blah blah international tour blah blah blah Japan Tokyo Dome blah blah video blah.

– AJ talks to Kaz backstage, and then the Amazing Red’s big brother attacks a lonely Styles with more of this “They’re coming in two weeks” stuff. The interwebs and dirt sheets talk about it likely being the Main Event Mafia. Maybe. Or maybe it’s a work like the whole Val Venis/Matt Hardy twitter war thing. Oh shit, I forgot Matt Hardy was in TNA… shit, that didn’t take long.

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Charles Barkley @G: “That hockey thing was nothing honkey… remember that time I cold-cocked Rocky the Mountain Lion mascot of the Denver Nuggets? Far from turrible….”

G @Charles Barkley: “Yeah, but you’ve got to admit that it was a pretty funny move by Mac-T, Barks!”

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Charles Barkley @G: “It was a pretty good moment. Who’s Matt Hardy?”

G @Charles Barkley: “Some internet guy…”

– Jay Lethal versus Kazarian (X-Division Champion). Lethal gets rolling early, and a frustrated Kaz looks to be walking out on the match. Lethal will have none of this, and continues to beat on the champ while rolling back into the ring a couple times to break up the count. Good attention to detail here. We get a good bout, but Kaz heeltastically uses the ropes to leverage a pin outside of the view of the referee.

– Mr. Anderson and RVD appear to be talking about their match with Beer Money, in pops Tommy Dreamer who tells us he’s facing Jeff Hardy. Then we see Kurt Angle get back into the arena as someone opened a backstage door to let him in. Taz wonders who opened the door… Probably Joe’s cameraman dude… since that would make TOTAL sense?

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This guy gets TNA… not the show, just the answer to “why?”

– Karen Angle and Jeff Jarrett are out for Karen’s big “tell-all” segment… I’m not recapping this other than it’s nothing special. Karen gets a few words off, then Kurt Angle suplexes Jeff from behind. Karen slaps Kurt. Since G’s your hookup, watch the segment here:

– The crowd is totally behind Kurt. Jarrett retaliates with a cheap nut shot… then beats on him. This continues for a few minutes as Karen looks on in approval.

– Another eliminatethehate.com PSA from TNA wrestlers. I’m all for this, on paper. But why is Orlando Jordan the guy who says “Sexual Orientation?” Yes, I realize “why,” but doesn’t this kind of defeat the purpose when you pigeon hole the guy in an anti-stereotype/bullying ad? Also, why can’t Jeff Hardy pronounce the work “eliminate” like a normal person? Oh right… the drugs.

– Jeff Hardy versus Tommy Dreamer. Hardy punches Dreamer a couple times to start and casually spits on him. Then they brawl (yawn) outside the ring. Damn, this match isn’t entertaining… the two exchange punches, etc. That’s pretty much it, until Jeff Hardy lands a Twist of Hate for the pin. Which is funny as he just told us to eliminate the hate.

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Haters who keep on hating have no time for a Fred, nor a George. This hate-train isn’t going to operate itself.

– Pope is filmed talking about getting back from Abu Dabi, then talking to some random person about setting up some stuff on his computer… then fake calls him on his cell and steals the dude’s Mac laptop. Cut to AJ still feeling the chokeout from earlier, and complaining to Flair about who “They” is, to which Flair tells him that Fortune/Immortal was us…. THEN… YES!

– FLAIR ICES AJ STYLES!! Flair says he finally got him, and has been waiting for 6 months to do it. THEN FOR NO REASON AT ALL, Angle attacks AJ with a baseball bat, knocking him out mid-drink. Flair begs for his life, and demands Flair make Jarrett confront him at a future time. As much as they initially missed the boat with the initial “Bro’s icing bro’s” segment, and I did criticize it then, I like the fact that they sneak these segments in every month or so. Thus, it’s not overdone…. a glaring aspect of TNA generally.

– Beer Money versus RVD and Mr. Anderson. Mr. Anderson introduces himself in classic form… and then, commercial break… so here’s something to kill the time if you are reading this live and don’t have a DVR like me. Cue eyeball rolling emoticon as to how the logic of THAT works!

Some kid likely made this Gomez mashup video of a live performance of “Airstream Driver.”  They did a good job considering they were hopefully unlikely unpaid…   also, I think this song rules.  But I love watching the songwriter/performer play and groove to their creation.  This track was obviously a labour of love in post production.  Perhaps I can respect that…  TNA could take tips from this… huh?

– We return and the match is already underway… fuck I hate that this non-live promotion does that. DUMB. Anyways, Robert Rhoode and RVD tangle. And let’s be honest, it’s the match you would have tuned into watch, if you did. So here it is:

… enjoy until the copyright infringements force it to be taken down…

– Overall, this is pretty watchable. Robert Rhoode really looks better over the last couple years, and belongs in the mainevent picture as demonstrated in this match. I’ve got to give credit, where credit is due. Don’t get me wrong, the last thing I want to see is a tagteam broken up to elevate the guy. In fact, why the fuck does a tag team HAVE to be broken up for that to happen? It has become an unwritten rule, seemingly…. oh shit, off track again.

– After a good five minutes or more of solid action, things take the tagteams into mid chaos. RVD lands a 5-Star Frogsplash on James Storm, but the referee is distracted by Jeff Hardy… this allows Raven Tyler Reks Some Internet Guy to attack RVD from behind. Matt Hardy was hiding beneath the ring. Beer Money! capitalizes and wins!

– Cut to Brian Kendrick talks to Bully Ray… sigh…. Bubba Ray about anger management, and chakras and yoga… Bubba is actually rather funny here as he tries out Brian’s breathing techniques (see bong rips?) and drops Kendrick! Funny shit. It’s at the end of the video posted above.

– Jeff Jarrett is flipping out at Flair about the whole Angle thing. Flair notes he has no hate, but he is not part of this. So deal with it. Bischoff tells Jeff he has his back, and not to worry about this…

– Brother Devon comes down to the ring. And I totally notice the guy behind him in this shot at the start:

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This guy MUST be a tourist. Loves me some Edmonton Oilers!

– Devon is here to rant about Bubba Ray, and their rebooted feud…. calls him out. Bubba walks onto the ramp… talking shit. Brian Kendrick runs down, attacking Ray from behind and tossing him into the ring with Devon! Devon starts to wrap chain around his fist to attack a prone Bubba, BUT NO! Security restrains Devon (from OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE, MIND YOU), then Bubba finds a way to take everyone out. What? Bubba puts Devon’s skull between a chair and whips it real good! Because whipping Devon is just like Devo, minus an “N.” I wanted to make a joke about what this visual comes across as, in relation to the missing “N”, then eliminated the hate instead….

– FUCK, finally the last ten minutes of this show. Kurt Angle awaits Jeff Jarrett in the ring… Jeff comes out with those two forgettable body guards from Fortune/Immortal. I think their names are Harvey and Rocky. No wait, those are the mascots that got beat attacked earlier in this review of iMPACT… Jarrett instructs Gunner and Murphy to go down instead (thanks Mike Tenay!). And like those mascots, Angle takes them out easily. So Jarrett enters the ring, and once again we get the numbers game. Angle finds a way to dispatch them all, and place a rear naked choke on Jeff! Enter Karen Angle Jarrett to shriek ringside! Immortal comes out in full capacity to attack Angle, all ninety of them.

– Except Abyss. See, Abyss comes down to the entrance, waves his hands out, and falls down dead. We see “Janice,” the nail-embedded slat literally impaled into his back. His murderer, the Amazing Red’s brother enters behind him. More they’re coming shit… so I’m leaving.

– The TNA logo comes up, and I’m out.

– So is Harvey the Hound again… but for different reasons. Kurt Angle learned all about this from Jeff Jarrett, tonight. I like when random connections occur as I write these debacles:


Nut shots all around!

Oww…

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This iMPACT Review Appears on Three Sites!

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Bored Wrestling Fan
A break down of various professional wrestling programs and events from the eyes of the smarky fan

Wonderpod Online
The official home of Wonderpod, and an assortment of content ranging from all things wide and far… depending on what the author’s feel like writing about. A home for reviews, commentary, pop culture, and fiction just to start. Always worth a look.

BTW, Actually
These reviews started off in a place called Project Wonderboy, a site that shares the name with it’s original founder, “whatever.” But this incarnation was under the Morphine Nation banner. That site is now evolved with all it’s original members at BTW, Actually. This place is all about challenging censorship and political correctness in an intelligent way.

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Shameless Plugs!

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The Cultural Revolution (TCR Comix)
Al Creed’s comics dominate tongue and cheek humour here.

Wonderpod
A weekly podcast about the world of video games, from player experiences to current events in the industry, Bruce McGee, Pat Man, and Gun Sage provide insight into the medium for any gamer (whether casual or “pro”). Clicking the jump will take you to the iTunes page!

LarG Productions
An online music production project, free tunes spanning many genres… check it out!

Thinksobrain
ThinkSoJoE’s band, who is also the boss over at Bored Wrestling Fan. For those digging some sweet metal influenced, intriguing tunes… you really need to grab yourself an earfull.

6 Comments

  1. Top form, G. Top form. This is one of my favourites.

    I didn't actually realise until now that they're seriously calling Bubba Ray, 'Bully Ray'. Terrifying.

    Also, kudos on the Devo reference. 😉


  2. As much as I complain, I do enjoy the show. It's such a mind-bugger though. I agree, changing Bubba to Bully is ridiculous. But TNA seems to have no issues with altering monikers and/or move names. For example, the Twist of Hate. Not necessary… fate is not good or bad, it just is.


  3. I'm with you on having Alex Shelley be the man behind the camera. If he hadn't broken his collarbone at a house show, perhaps it might have been him. I remember back just before the official Paparazzi gimmick, when Sting and his family were taped, Jackie Gayda Haas was taped, and LAX beatdowns of people associated with Team 3D were taped, and it all turned out to be Alex Shelley doing the bidding of Jeff Jarrett. My brother asked me, with complete seriousness, "Is Alex Shelley the only person in TNA who is capable of operating a video camera?" I suppose so.

    Some Internet Guy. That is his new name, and it must stick. Heh. SIG. Like on e-mails and posts and stuff. Heh.

    Amazing Red's little big brother has gotten more credibility and push in two or three weeks than Red has gotten in either of his runs with the company. Who wants to take a bet that no further interaction between Red and Crimson ever happens, and that Red stays in the anonymity of TNA's Wrestler Protection Program?

    This show bored me to pieces. I'm actually working on an article titled "Why TNA is Dead to Me." Really.


  4. @DG – That was literally the first thing I thought of, why the hell is this anyone other than Alex Shelley? I'd bet that his injury is too problematic that he could have appeared in the role, which sucks. A shame that if he has to be out, that it couldn't be one that would let him still appear in this capacity. Plus, it would have allowed Sabin to be involved in the program as well. If D'Angelo confronted Shelley, Sabin could step in and cover for Shelley in the ring if necessary. But alas…

    I will really need to remember Some Internet Guy for future episodes. Remind me if I forget, because you're right…. that little asinine moment turned into a decent idea. I like having themes and rules in my sufferings.

    I look forward to your TNA article.


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