iMPACT: 03/03/11. This Episode is Going Make My Brain Hemorrhage.By G · · 11 Comments
They’ve been hyping this particular episode for a while… there will be a wedding, the result of the ongoing legal issues surrounding ownership of TNA, Angelina from the Jersey Shore, Velvet Sky’s career is on the line… and something else… what was that thing they did last week again… signed the Undertaker? Hmm… no that’s not it…
Right, that shit with Sting…
I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only mintutes after each episode. That is how G’s iMPACT reviews work.
– Ok, here we go. GifSoup seems to be down right now, so I might not have a chance to make y’all original animated gifs this week! Sorry! Tonight’s episode was shot in Fayetteville, North Carolina…. and right off the bat, the energy and feel of the show getting out of Orlando is an improvement.
– First thing we see is Dixie Carter being introduced as then President of TNA coming out to address the court ruling, I’d imagine. She thanks the crowd for all their support in this fake storyline. She’s about to tell us the results, and crying so even though she is interrupted, we know the results. Immortal comes out, led by Easy Eric Bischoff with Some Internet Guy, his Pal, Gunner, Rob “The Natural” Terry, and of course WOOOOOO!!! Nature Boy Ric Flair.
Teasing frogs isn’t cool.
– Bischoff says he respects her, and he’s learned a lot from her…. “Even though you’re a women in a man’s world… you have a massive set of balls!” notes Eric. Followed up by a cheap pop by Flair, “Are you starting to understand where you are tonight, young lady? This could be called ‘Flair Country,’ you got that vibration?” Then Flair tells her she should have fucked him when she had the chance… more or less.
I thought it was…. aww screw it…
– Flair shines, but you already knew that. He raves on like Buddy Holly about taking the show back over, and introduces Hulk Hogan! He actually made the show! Huh. Typical posing and flexing his way down to ring, mind you. Very typical heel Hulk here, and he officially tells us he now has 100% control of TNA… and calls Dixie delusional, brother. Dude, brother, dude. He admits to using Dixie to getting back on top of the wrestling business. Really? This is TNA, brother… whoops. At least they aren’t referring to themselves as second fiddle to the big business in Stamford. “We used you because you’re a weak women. All you have left is your dignity… and we’re about to take that away from you too….”
– No, this segment is not over… out comes Fourtune/Fortune led by A.J. Styles…. Styles gives an ultimatum… easy way or the hard way. They prefer the hard way, but Kaz notes “There’s a lady in the ring, and we’re not talking about you Eric Bischoff.”
– Ric Flair cuts them off briefly, referring to himself as “God.” I really dig that everytime. I apologize to anybody religious out there, but I really dig this. Security keeps the two groups at bay as we FINALLY cut to our first commercial. Fuck, that was like a whole episode of storyline right there… and we’re only 15 minutes in. I grab a beer.
– Wow, that whole thing was really misogynistic… First Cena’s blatant homophobia on RAW, now women bashing on iMPACT. What a great week to be a wrestling fan, huh?
Charles Barkley @G: “Is Glaser going to iMPACT tonight, G? Or is he too busy playing Mine Craft?”
G @Charles Barkley: “Well, yes and no. I asked him if he knew anyone who went to this pretaped episode and said no. Thus, the college scene is clearly embarassed by, or totally not into so-called non-stop action, Barks!”
– Hogan and Some Internet Guy are hanging with some football player from the Jets. I’m not sure who he is, but this disolves into a fight between S.I.G. and the football guy and Fortune.
Some Internet Guy fact # 1534: Matt upgraded to version 3.2.suck… still gets the Blue Screen of Death.
– A quick conversation between Bischoff and Hogan about Anderson…. I guess. Just noticed GifSoup is back up…
– Beer Money! versus Gunner and his pal for the tag titles. The heels attack before the bell, and we get big-men-brawl action. It’s really a shame Alex Shelley is on the shelf… It’s a short match, maybe 3 minutes at best. Decent action from the two teams here. Beer Money retain their titles… but out comes local boy Shannon Moore and his tag partner. Moore calls the crowd his people, which is odd if you consider Moore and Neil did that interview a few weeks back stating they represent 1% of society. Apparently all of those people live in North Carolina? Either way, a challenge is issued for the tag titles…
– More Karen Angle-Jarrett and Jeff stuff back stage, nothing really too relevant here. Back at home, the Jarretts children watch Mommy and Daddy make out on television, still traumatized that Daddy put their future on the line in a match against Angle a couple weeks back…
Those poor kids…
– Kurt Angle is slated to walk Karen down the aisle tonight, and is accompanied by a very happy little boy… so at least that kid’s happy.
– Velvet Sky w/ Angelina Sky versus Sarita w/ Rosita… Velvet’s “career” is on the line… alright Pat Man, here you go:
I guess your supply of tissue paper should remain well-stocked this week PatMan! We did not get this typical ring entrance…
– It’s notable that they do not do the usual entrance for the Beautiful People here, Velvet storms down to the ring! The two begin to scrap, but Hebner tosses Angelina out of the arena. Then, due to showboating, Sarita costs herself the match and Velvet keeps her job, I guess. Then out comes Cookie, Robbie-E and some chick from the Jersey Shore named Angelina. We are reminded about the J-Woww appearance from months ago, and Angelina is her backup. Angelina tells Velvet and Love to tell J-Woww she wants a Jersey Shore match or something. Sounds like a winner. Then the heels beat down Velvet and Love, with some help from Sarita. So now it’s a six way next week? Fuck, I don’t know. Time for more beer.
– I was going to ask what the point of the career stipulation was, but then remembered this is TNA… the land where logic is completely fucked. It gets worse tonight, I assure you. Also, fans of iMPACT are dropping like flies over at the BWF… I might be the last one… I am legend…
I can’t believe Will did that to Carlton…
– Backstage Anderson calls people assholes…. cut to Eric Young and Orlando Jordon getting ready for tonight’s wedding. Orlando is wearing a shirt that says “I love tag teams” and Eric tells us he’s the Frodo at the wedding (ring bearer, duh). Eric “loses” the ring, but it’s found in Eric’s shoe. Cut to Flair talking with Jarrett… Jarrett tells Flair about his planned honeymoon and Flair manages to make what normally would be not entertaining, watchable… Just with his facial reactions alone. Ric tells Jarrett his plans are not party-heavy enough. Cut to Angle taping his hands, and talking to his son… “Daddy is taping his fists… taping his hands… how do they look?” Angle’s voice is incredibly gentle here, which I liked. I question whether they should involve their own children on the program, but it was obvious here that Angle has a fatherly side to him… even with the bag-of-crazy he sometimes opens in public.
Carlton @G: “Me neither… what a dick.”
G @Carlton: “I love talking to fictional characters… I really do… Hey where’s that Ricky Schroeder dude you starred with on Silver Spoons?”
– Hogan is shown talking to what we are led to believe is the network executive. Hogan is arguing that surprises don’t necessarily equal ratings, and they need to build towards a program and advertise. The Excutive apparently disagrees and Hogan looks distraught. Yes, they actually inadvertently admitting to being complete fuck ups when it comes to building a program! Wow…
– Time for the wedding…. we see the altar in the centre of the ring as Eric Young enters… then Jarrett (who is booed). Angle ATTACKS! Brawling on the ramp, and they tease Jarrett falling into the wedding cake… Karen runs out, shrieking like a banshee… so Angle tosses his ex into the cake. Best wedding ever. This only lasts a couple of minutes! Good.
– Back to Hogan backstage breaking the news to Hardy he has to defend his title tonight, against a mystery opponent
totally not named Sting. Hogan tells him the network won’t tell him who he is wrestling tonight named Sting. Hardy thinks not knowing who he is facing tonight (Sting, who wins the fucking title too, oops spoilers) is total bullshit. I’m banking on the Undertaker personally…
Obviously this was not what I was looking for, but then I realized it was a perfect fit for this show. Namely, because I don’t have a clue what is going on…
– Karen continues her impression of a banshee backstage, flipping out about the botched wedding. Eric and Flair try to calm her down… but then the two almost-re-newlyweds storm off… enter Hogan concerned about the mystery opponent sent via the Network. They dart around who they think it is, and if this review has taught me anything, it’s one of two people. I realize it couldn’t be the Undertaker… it’s either:
Banshee of the X-Men, because… well… I keep using that word
Mark of My Space because nobody gives a rat’s ass about his website anymore, or him. AND no one made a movie about him developing his social network site… even though My Space is like the TNA of Social Networking… so naturally, the network would send him.
– Hey we actually get a match!!! YES!!! Ohh…. it involves Rob Terry… great.
– Rob Terry versus Scott Steiner. Need I say more? If you’re thinking belly-to-belly suplex by Steiner on Terry, you win! Terry gets control outside of the ring and sets up Steiner as if to slam him into the ring post! BUT NO! Instead he safely puts him back into the ring. Belly-to-belly-to-belly-to-belly-to…. this match sucks. Steiner hits a nice looking side-walk-slam on Terry, and submits his foe in a Steiner Recliner. I don’t know what the total match time was, as I FFW’d through it so it would appear to be at a normal match speed.
– Meanwhile backstage, Flair is hanging with the Jet’s guy, his last name is Scott. Flair tells me clearly his name is “Bart Scott,” I guess… and tells Angle to not be a dick at the second attempt at the wedding or this football guy will wear his hat sideways with the sticker still on it…. you know, because hip-hop fashion hasn’t changed much since the mid-nineteen-nineties…
I still wear my clothes backwards too…
– Also: Word.
– Why am I looking forward to commercials? More beer needed…
– Joe Warren Bellator Feather Weight Champion joins commentary, to shill season four on MTV 2. I wonder what the “Network” thinks about this… shouldn’t they have booked someone from the upcoming Ultimate Fighter show since they’re both on Spike? See, even guest athletes don’t make sense on TNA.
– Hernandez versus Matt Morgan. The feud continues. Another big man match… no high flying is allowed tonight? Typical power moves to start. Hernandez receives a few and looks to walk out on the match merely a minute in! So we get the brawling… and the punching on SuperMex as Morgan rolls Immortals hired gun back into the ring. Wow, I’m surprised I even remembered that, as the announce team and writers clearly do not. Hernandez goes to choke out Morgan with his shirt, but Morgan shrugs it off and returns the favor! “It’s like Air SuperMex!” shouts Tenay.
– The bout drags on, back to the outside as more punches, delivered. Hernandez smashes Morgan’s head into the steel steps, and Morgan blades. Earl Hebner calls for the bell, and we get a DQ. As Hernandez leaves, we cut to Hogan yelling on the phone demanding to know who is in the mainevent tonight…. the call ends and Mr. Anderson enters to talk to Hogan. Hulk breaks it to Anderson he doesn’t get his title shot AGAIN tonight and even Hogan thinks that’s bullshit. Anderson and Hogan have some words, but Hogan sits down and pulls out his backbrace implying his injury is the only reason they are not going to fight themselves.
LINE OF THE NIGHT!
As Anderson storms off, Hogan calls at him: “Hey! Let me know the next time you slam a 700 pound giant….” and then mutters, “asshole.” Excellent! It’s easy to bash Hogan, and I do, but that was spot on perfect a retort for this segment.
Here’s your custom made animated gif as a result. Do you want to know why Hogan’s back is fucked up? Ask Andre? 🙁 I miss Andre…
– Only a half hour to go… fuck me. There’s a new show called, “Taking on Tyson” with Iron Mike interviewing him about boxing? That makes as much sense as airing the now defunct ECWWE on Sy Fy. I wonder if Tyson will try to bite the ear off an elephant, and then eat their babies. I’d tune in for that!
– I guess take two of the Karen/Jeff wedding renewals is taking place. I wonder if Sting will catch the flowers up in the rafters? He’d have the best chance to snag them out of the air before they succumb to gravity. Once again Eric Young is out with the ring with the stupidest expression on his face, as Orlando Jordan shakes his head in disbelief that he is the flower girl. HAHAHAHHAHAH! Orlando Jordan for the win… I’m gonna make you all another animated gif just for both of their expressions as I sit through this garbage:
I don’t have a lot of love for Orlando Jordan, but tonight he made me a fan for this brief segment to say the least.
– Karen is still got cake on her as she makes her way out, and even Angle stands by smugly looking like he’s going to be a good boy this time around… the priest goes through the routine of the vows, and so forth. They go through their own vows, which is rather boring. Karen calls Jeff a real man, “not like another man…” over and over again referring to Angle who smiles and nods through out. This part is funny… she totally buries Angle while he smiles through out…. they call for the ring, which Eric Young has somehow placed into his shoe AGAIN. Even though you can clearly see him in my animated gif above with the traditional “ring pillow,” or whatever the hell they call that thing. The preacher tells Jeff he can kiss the bride. Angle gets on the microphone and asks “Father? Uhh… Father, are we done here?” Kurt Angle pulls out an axe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOLY FUCK, this is sadistic, and thereby awesome. Angle trashes the hell out the wedding in a moment of Heavy Burtation! As Kurt stands with the axe raised in the ring, Bischoff enters and sends out that Jet’s guy, Bart Cole or whatever, to end this. Umm… Eric? Kurts got a fucking axe dude… whatever, Angle puts the football guy into an Angle Lock for a submission and security takes the injured player to the back….
– Jeff Hardy complains about not knowing who the challenger is, but he’s in his home state, etc… blah blah blah… I can’t believe I’ve almost written 3000 words here tonight….
Best condom ad ever? Elves live a long time for a reason…
– Jeff Hardy versus Sting for the World Heavy Weight Championship. The champion enters first, and even though this is a surprise combatant, that is still just wrong. BOO!! They bring out Sting to the 3/3/11 video thing, and attempt to emulate the whole Rock return thing with lightening and rain in the ring, and Stinger FINALLY makes his way out. IT’S A FACEPAINT BATTLE! 😐 At this point, I am far from marking out… The action is ok to start, but Sting is completely dominating most of the action. An early attempt to submit Hardy, has Jeff look to break the hold and begin to walk out. Fuck, this has happened in every match tonight. Pick your spots TNA! Jeff finally gets some offense in, but Sting “Hulks Up.” My DVR recording ends 8 minutes into overtime….
– It’s a good thing I have my ways, folks… which is how I can make my animated gifs before the copyright people can delete them. I hit my source for the rest… which isn’t much to talk about… Sting hits a Scorpian Deathdrop from the top ropes, and then from standing in the ring a second time to win the title. Your new champion, the Undertaker.
The TNA logo comes up, and I’m out.
Here’s some footage of Sting winning the title and ruining everything:
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