Here we are folks, in the build up and hype of WrestleMania (and a Celebration of Professional Wrestling, for that matter), it’s easy to forget that other promotion, Total Nonstop Apathy. But it is still on, believe it or not!

You’ve got to wonder how TNA will attempt to compete tonight, or if they’ll just pump out another typical crash-and-burn episode and save something better for another week. They do have their own PPV coming up soon, and if they’re smart they will build towards it. But they’re not, and likely they won’t. Let’s get the madness, shall we?

I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s iMPACT reviews work.

I just wanted to throw a little love my buddy’s way, Graham Devey, who participated in his first ever MMA match over last weekend. He’s untrained (although, unless you consider the A.P.A. style of bar-room brawling “training”). I think he did pretty good for himself considering this only went one round, and I managed to fit ALL the action in the 15 second limitation of GifSoup in this animated gif. Tell me how you think he did:

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Graham Devey vs. Lance Doore. Graham is the bigger guy. And like L.L. Cool J’s Mama said…

– Tonight’s episode in entitled: “R-V-Damned”

– Ken Anderson is manhandling Earl Hebner down to the ring to start, and demands a microphone for Earl, “because we’re going to have a little discussion.” He wants to know why Hebner rung the bell last week, essentially costing Anderson his title shot… “I don’t know if you know, but this shirt,” yells Hebner, “implies authority and demands respect!” The crowd cheers! “Don’t you ever put your damn hands on me again, or I will suspend you for 90 days…” Hebner tells him tough shit, and the reason he got DQ’d was because he put his hands on Sting. Anderson demands he reverse the decision, Hebner says no…. goes to leave, and Anderson grabs him, knees him in the chest and goes to set up the Mic-Check! BUT NO! Brian Hebner runs in for the save.

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Mr. Anderson should steal this guy’s gimmick… what a great idea and catchphrase for a heel manager, actually…

– “Ahh… isn’t this cute, Daddy’s little boy coming to save the day… what do you want to screw me?” Anderson says and notes Earl has been in the business of screwing people for a long time.

– Sting comes out, and tells the two ref’s to vacate post haste, and gets up in Anderson’s grill. If he wants to pick a fight…. etc. Sting punches Ken in the face and they brawl. Then out comes security to break things up. RVD enters with “Ladies! Please! You’re both pretty, alright?” RVD doesn’t want this victory and tells Earl to add Ken to the title match with Sting at the Lockdown.

– “Man, I love it… I love it! That’s the RVD I brought to TNA! Consider it done, brother!” yells Hogan who enters with Eric Bischoff. Eric needs more ratings because Lockdown is coming up… and he’s got all these guys involved in a steel cage match tonight with Bully Ray, I think.

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Charles Barkley @G: “I can’t wait to see the Rock take out that shitty rapper guy at WrestleFest tonight! It’s gonna be a ring-a-ding-dong-dandy!!!”

G @Charles Barkley: “You’re thinking about WrestleMania, Chuck. That’s on Sunday night… Wait… what? Did you just quote Ed Whalen???”

– The mystery interviewer talks to Anderson back stage, and Ken basically breaks the fourth wall not wanting to comment… calling the “mystery” guy Jason (as in Hervey, of course). I would have liked it better if he called him Wayne Arnold. I know what happened to the people who played Winnie Cooper and Kevin Arnold, oddly enough I had this conversation last weekend at work with a mate. But I wondered what in the hell happened to Paul Pfeiffer, (real name “Josh Saviano”). We were talking about child stars and how most of them are fucked up. Turns out, like Danica McKellar (super hot Math genius), he went on to study Political Science at Yale. So I guess he was a nerd after all.

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Huh… turns out there was a false rumor and urban myth that Marilyn Manson was actually Josh Saviano. Ha ha, call it what you will. It’s kind of a shame he wasn’t… that would have been very cool.

– Cut to Shannon Moore tells us he’s cool and hip, and Scott Steiner is not, and the reason he disrespected Steiner because he has none for Steiner. Steiner cuts a promo asking how taking his chainmail headdress off his head is disrespectful, and calls Shannon a little bitch. Then we get Jason Hervey asking questions to Bully Ray about putting A.J. Styles in the hospital… Bully’s retort is basically he did it because he could, and he has a massive chip on his shoulder, even Hogan wanted to borrow it.

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Charles Barkley @G: “No honkey, I checked out that Stampede Wrestling podcast you did on Monday with PatMan. I was kind of…umm… preoccupied earlier this week. It wasn’t turrible! That Whalen guy sounded cool.”

G @Charles Barkley: “Ed Whalen was the shit. An awesome cat.”

– Guess who’s whining to Hogan and Easy-E? Why it’s Jeffry Jarrett and Karen Angle-Jarrett-Hogan-Abyss-Jarrett. Ok, Karen isn’t Kimberly Page, but still. Anyways, it’s a blah blah type of thing.

– Cut to the announce team who has been joined by Eric Young (who has some big announcement, but we must wait) while Orlando Jordan hovers behind the three wearing rainbow coloured angel wings and ridiculous matching fake eyelashes. I understand that most wrestlers are themselves with the volume turned way up, but come on Orlando. There HAS to be more to you than being gay, or bi, or whatever the fuck. Seriously. I guess the announcement is that Young/Jordan will face Steiner/Crimson, Ink Inc., and mystery tag team! Let’s hope it’s the MCMG’s!

– * Scott Steiner vs. Jesse Neal Shannon Moore. Huh, I guess the announced non-spoiler card I stole was wrong. Or the bookers realized Neal sucks, and Moore sucks less. There’s some decent action here surprisingly. A nice spot includes Moore donning the chainmail headdress of Steiner and attempting a 180 reverse moonsault from the top ropes, BUT NO! Steiner rolls out of the way, then gets the upperhand for a moment. He does some pushups as well. Steiner eventually picks up the win.

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Did I mention Eric Young was wearing a T-Shirt the says, “I Love Tagteaming”? It wasn’t the one pictured above, which I like better. Also, Taz noted at one point in the commentary that Orlando was always behind Young. Yep, they don’t have a deal with GLAAD.

– Post match, Doug Williams and Brutus Magnus attack the exiting Young and Orlando! That’s your fourth (unofficial) tag team, folks!

– Cut to Anderson talking to a picture of himself in a poster for Lockdown, and then immediately to Jarrett and Karen discussing a plan they have (including Jeff staring at the same poster for the PPV that Ken just was). He has a plan B of some kind. Then we go to a music video montage for the Bucks, Generation Me if you will, and whatnot.

– * Max Buck vs. Jeremy Buck – As expected, this match gets underway to some high spots and quick moves. A nice refreshing change of pace. How long will it go? Geez! This is great! They are mixing up all types of ground-based, high flying, and swerve based action. SMILEY FACE! I’d hate to tip any of the copyright people off to one of my better reliable sites for totally legal videos, but I think I dropped a link somewhere in this paragraph. God forbid you skipped ahead to the 11:00 minute mark, smark. Your winner? Max Buck. Great little bout.

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Wow, if the glass wasn’t there, this kid would have been dead WAY before he even realized it.

– Fourtune (sans A.J. Styles) is on the phone with someone. Someone is arriving at the airport or something. Why do people booked for wrestling shows, always do this? Don’t they know about rehearsals, soundchecks, meetings, and whatnot? Fuck. Sorry to nitpick on a show that defies intelligence on a weekly basis, but this has often bothered me on all wrestling programs. I guess it’s from my time working on a daily live television show… oops… fourth wall!!! Sorry, I’m a retarded inbred wrestling fan (bored too), CHEYAH!

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Tele-Bizion. Get it? No? Meh…

– Cut to Winter talking with the zombified Angelina Love. She encourages her to drink from a cup (Kool-Aid?)… I’m thinking they want us to believe the magic voodoo is in the drink? It is an interesting blender concoction of Kip James, B.G. James, and of course Roxxi who have been buried, but rose from the grave for a flesh-eating extravaganza! I made that last part up…. sadly. TNA would’ve booked that though, especially considering how Kip was a member of the Beautiful People for a short time. See? See, how it all comes back to linking previous storylines? Anyways, we’re almost set up for a match… it’s funny that Velvet Sky gets more match time than anyone these days. Even more than Steiner or Gunner and his pal. Also, I found a shit load of cool pictures when I Boolean searched on Google for “Kool-Aid zombie.” Here’s my favorites:

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Oh Yeah!

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I’m pretty sure I’ll pass on a cupfull here…

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While it’s more of an Incredible Hulk reference here, I smell a winner! Oh wait, that’s likely decomposing flesh. Whatever, Green Kool-Aid FTW!

– * Winter vs. Velvet Sky. I hate Winter’s red outfit. It reminds me of women’s bathing suits from the 1920’s, which I remember well. Good times, those Roaring Twenties. I helped smuggle a ton of whiskey into the USA to an old buddy… Al, or something was his name. Cool bro. We partied a bunch…

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Uh oh, looks like Velvet is pretty pissed off, PatMan. What did you do?

– Winter starts strong here, using power slams and heeltastic cheap shots on PatMan’s favorite excuse to invest in Kleenex. Velvet hits a clean looking Bulldog on Winter, a small moment, but one that should be noted. Her implants She is getting better. We get some camera throws to the zombie Angelina Love (fuck it, new rule… she’s a zombie now). The zoomed in camera really brings the botox out in her. Winter chokes out Velvet for the win here as the undead cannibalistic abomination Angelina Love looks on.

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I find the beehive hairdo sexy. But I’m more sick and twisted than Orton or Punk. Seriously, use protection next time you hit that zombie babe you notice in the local bar. Broken blood capillaries will lead to infection. Damn, I’m such a zombie nerd I managed to mix perversion with zombie-logic. On the same token, if there is a breakout in your town, you best have the G on speed dial. I’ve been planning for this since I was 13.

– Mr. Anderson hits the ring immediately after and calls out Sting, who obliges. Ken asks whether he wants him to apologize to him… he then punches the Stinger and they brawl. It turns into a shmoz as Some Internet Guy, Bully Ray, and Abyss enter and triple team the combatants. RVD runs out to make the save, even though he logically shouldn’t. Sorry, used a variation of that work “logic” again… Nothing makes sense here as Sting appears to have help from the Immortal guys, but is not on their side? I don’t know. Fuck this show.

– Karen and Jeff stage a conversation on the phone to 911? Something about Angle coming after Karen coming after her, although we all know he slid off the road on an icy patch and called the police for help. Except that there was no snow reported, nor a call was made… and of course Angle was reported to smell like alcohol. Dude, Angle!!!! Don’t drink and drive. NOT COOL. I could give a shit if you want to drink once in a while. That’s fine by me, I’m drinking right now (because this show makes me do that). But don’t drive. Dude. /Dirtsheets.

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Mario knows how to handle zombified princesses. Kill the brain, kill the zombie. ’nuff said.

– Ric Flair pep talks Some Internet Guy, Bully Ray, and Abyss backstage. Jason Hervey is on fire tonight. Or perhaps the defunct TNA Reaction. Flair is gold as usual, the other guys all look high. Seriously.

– “Winter is one crazy, psychocatic,out-there bitch, it you may. She just waltzes in here in TNA… I don’t know where she came from…” says Velvet to Hervey backstage. Then notes she will get her revenge, and so forth. What I liked here is that she DIDN’T mention the competition, in fact, made it sound like they didn’t exist. Well done. Meanwhile, the “fapping” sounds at PatMan’s place are so loud, the Wonderpod podcast crashed this week. 🙁
I like that show. Especially that Survivor Man G fellow. Seems classy.

– Kurt Angle is here! He calls out Jeff Jarrett, who is accompanied by the Juice Master, Rob Terry. I guess this became:

– * Kurt Angle vs. Rob Terry. Not much here… Terry lands a couple power moves, but Angle reverses and locks on his Angle Lock for the submission win. Post match, Angle and Jarrett mix it up on the entrance ramp, and then we cut to a pre-taped chase scene backstage (filmed by Wayne Arnold).

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zXRM7Ru6WyU[/youtube]
‘Ssup kiddo? Vote for Scrote!

– The police show up quickly as Karen shrieks, and Angle is taken away while questioning the police’s intent. Karen looks on shrewdly. Kurt totally slipped on ice and hit a snow bank.

– Fourtune (sans A.J. Styles) discuss their magical mystery guest, and that they can’t trust anyone.

– I haven’t mentioned the many times I’ve taken a break tonight… yes, I broke my own rules. Sorry… I kept going on to watch other things like NHL highlights, South Park, various other internet awesome, and so forth. Broke the rules… and I am sorry. Umm… McRib’s?

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Jason Hervey’s kayfabe father does not approve.

-* Cage Match: Bully Ray/Abyss/Matt Hardy vs. Anderson/RVD/Sting. We have 30 minutes or so on the recording left… I want to believe that we’ll actually get a half hour event. Yeah, I know…. I KNOW! It won’t happen. The men kill a bunch of time with entrances. I decide to search for “BAMARS” in Google search. I put all of the first letters of the six wrestlers into a word, creating the term BAMARS. Then I realized that this is a pluralized version of 2/3’s of the population of Burma… Huh, I learned something today. The entrances are almost over.

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I’m a fucking banana. Deal.

– We start off awkwardly as the referee Earl Hebner watches the heels triple team the faces, except Mr. Anderson who opts not to enter the steel cage. They keep stomping mudholes on Sting as RVD appears confused whether he is in a brawl, or a tag-based match. I don’t think anyone knows the rules, to be honest with you. Commercials save me! I understand these!

– We return to a minute of Anderson watching his team from the outside of the cage, until Hogan comes out and tells him to get in the cage. Anderson ignores him… Hogan provokes, so Anderson attacks! Hogan no sells! And Hogan (who is wearing a back-cast/support) gets the upperhand. They disappear. The heels remain strong with mostly restholds and whatnot. Sigh…. minutes pass… And suddenly tag-match rules apply? Wait… what? WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS! Brain = dead.

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For no reason. TNA hire me. I can make no sense too.

– They follow tag rules, then forget them again as all men go chaotic again. Earl Hebner stands by and watches it all happen. This makes me think a bit about Anderson’s comments and abuse of Hebner to start this match. Immortal picks up the win, wiht Anderson finally getting involved after Hogan tossed him in the cage. The heels continue to attack… I guess there is ten minutes left in the show! Fuck.

– Fourtune enter the cage and battle with the Immortal Internet Guys. Because, “WOO!!”, Ric Flair locks his brethren in the cage once Fourtune enter, and Immortal takes liberties somehow. For a second the super-by-a-second-swerved that Flair rejoined Fourtune, BUT NO! RUSSO! Fuck. Blood all over the faces, ketchup with those fries? HOLY SHIT! CHRISTOPHER DANIELS! BAH GAWD! KING! BAH GAWD! DANIELS! He enters and fucks up Immortal’s shit. FCC bring it.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RmFgnQ0H_4Q[/youtube]
Enjoy.

– The last five minutes provides us with some highlight clips… and then Jason Hervey goes ballistic. Wayne Arnold to the hilt, as Hervey interviews everyone crash-TV-style and you’ve got to wonder where the years went. Italics for the win.

– Ric Flair talks for the Immortal as they yell random crap for a while. Then Abyss and Some Internet Guy and Bully get their one liners off… nothing quotable. Chris Daniels looks mad. Wayne Arnold is now a rule. Cut to Fourtune all covered in ketchup/catsup. Kazarian is coated in blood. Daniels shows us his hands and yells, “you see this! This is not just blood! This is what TNA was built on!” Nice bit there, an obvious add to Fivetone. That’s not a word.

– Sting says something, and Jason Hervey follows Mr. Anderson backstage who is seen in a backstage scuffle with RVD who drops him.

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The TNA logo comes up, and I’m out.

NEW RULES ADDED: “G’s “THE RULES” reviewing wrestling, currently TNA’s iMPACT“:

Jason Hervey is Wayne Arnold.

Angelina Love is a zombie

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This iMPACT Review Appears on Three Sites!

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Bored Wrestling Fan


A break down of various professional wrestling programs and events from the eyes of the smarky fan! I highly recommend checking out the BWF!

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Wonderpod Online


The official home of Wonderpod, and an assortment of content ranging from all things wide and far… depending on what the author’s feel like writing about. A home for reviews, commentary, pop culture, and fiction just to start. Always worth a look.

BTW, Actually
These reviews started off in a place called Project Wonderboy, a site that shares the name with it’s original founder, “whatever.” But this incarnation was under the Morphine Nation banner. That site is now evolved with all it’s original members at BTW, Actually. This place is all about challenging censorship and political correctness in an intelligent way.

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Shameless Plugs!

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The Cultural Revolution (TCR Comix)
Al Creed’s comics dominate tongue and cheek humour here.

Wonderpod
A weekly podcast about the world of video games, from player experiences to current events in the industry, Bruce McGee, Pat Man, and Gun Sage provide insight into the medium for any gamer (whether casual or “pro”). Clicking the jump will take you to the iTunes page!

LarG Productions
An online music production project, free tunes spanning many genres… check it out!

Thinksobrain
ThinkSoJoE’s band, who is also the boss over at Bored Wrestling Fan. For those digging some sweet metal influenced, intriguing tunes… you really need to grab yourself an earfull.

3 Comments

  1. Wow.

    Just, wow.

    Your nomination for sainthood will arrive shortly. New lows are reached every week, whether one believed it possible or not. I look forward to this review so much every week, but your suffering cannot be imagined. Thoughts I had while watching, in no particular order:

    Stop the HD super-close-ups on Angelina Love. Please. I really like her, but I can't defend this.

    Someone in power must have decided that hot chicks swearing is sexy, because Velvet Sky has quite the potty mouth on tv. If it came off as a natural thing, like when Austin did it, I might not care, but it honestly seems like a deliberate effort is made to cram as many swear words into Sky's promos as possible. I find this unnecessary.

    Since no one watches TNA, no one cares that their inappropriate treatment of homosexuality is vastly more offensive than WWE's. I'm not opening that can of worms again, so don't start a flaming comment war over it, but what happened tonight was appalling. They don't have the top good guy and face of the company directing that treatment at a target audience of kids, that's about it. Taz and Tenay should be ashamed of themselves.

    DANIELS??? WHY??? Why would you do this to yourself, Daniels? It can't possibly be worth it. You should be playing Spider Jerusalem in a movie instead.

    Jason Hervey is the most obnoxious and incompetent "interviewer" ever. Someone should kick his teeth down his throat. Really, he's terrible.


    • Velvet does indeed sound forced and awkward in many of her lines, in regards to the profanity. Good point, there seems to be a directive to have her swear up a storm, and it comes across week. While I'm hardly offended by profanity, it's effect is much more significant when it happens occasionally. I realize that I may be in the minority when it comes to the perception of swear words as a viewer, I'd imagine the fan base that is more concerned with it would take notice if it were used more carefully.

      I'm not sure what Daniels is up to coming back. Perhaps it literally came down to money between TNA and ROH? As much as I doubt he will get to show off his deep skill set in the current version of iMPACT, the foolishly optimist wants to hope he gets that opportunity. At least in the storyline perspective, they put him with the right faction here.

      I couldn't agree more about Wayne Arnold. See, if his job is to toss bullet-points at people while they cut promos, then they need to mute/cut his audio out of the segment. If he is supposed to be an actual interviewer, as you point out, it is incompetent. While I'd argue they should just let Borash do the interviews, the Reaction-style of camera work won't mesh with the traditional interview segments. I wouldn't mind them presenting the two styles during the program, just don't try to make a hybrid of the two.


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