We’re hot off the heels of last Sunday’s Lockdown PPV, one that featured some decent matches (and Kurt Angle almost killing himself, again). What will Wayne Arnold and the crew serve up tonight?

I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s iMPACT reviews work.

– Before we kick off the show, let’s take a moment and wish Jay Lethal well in his wrestling career as it is being reported all over the internet that he has left the company. He’s young, and still has lots to offer any promotion. It’s hard to disagree with his decision considering how little he was being used with TNA.

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I keep thinking towards next Wednesday South Park returns for another half season. April 27th in the US (and on my computer….umm… legally) and April 29th in Canada!

– Tonight’s show is entitled, “Two Horses For Sister Karen.” I have no clue what this implies… pop culture reference? If I don’t figure it out, hit me up in the comments section with an idea to what this means. I’d imagine it refers to Karen Angle-Jarrett.

– Fourtune pyro! And AJ Styles drops down from the ceiling on a rope harness. He shouts that he is back from taking one of these:

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I believe in recycling. Animate gifs included…. especially ones that I made.

– Actually, AJ showed up at Lockdown first helping his faction and getting some revenge. AJ cuts a decent promo, and notes that the Lethal Lockdown cage is still there, so he and Bully Ray should settle the score. Bully comes out and asks AJ if he is serious, and does he know who Bully is, considering he took AJ out of the picture for a month with that Bubba Bomb. “I’m a man, you’re a boy! I’m a warrior, you’re a nobody!” yells Ray. Ray starts that quote using opposites, then hits a bump in what could have been a list of comparisons of opposites. The problem? A warrior’s opposite is not a nobody.

– Thankfully, Bully Ray’s rant is still passionate with promises of violence towards AJ and heeltastically to AJ’s wife and kids. AJ is IRATE!!! Bully feigns running in to fight! BUT NO! Bully doesn’t care for this Lethal Lockdown impromptu match. He has taken everything from AJ, and he will take care of him on his own time. “Go to hell!” says he, as he makes to walk off UNTIL….

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It’s Suicide! No! It’s Christopher Daniels under the mask as Suicide!

– Nah… it’s really just Christopher Daniels who runs in, grabs Bully, and tosses him into the cage with AJ. The door is shut. Lots of awesome action here, as Gunner attacks Daniels outside, and weapons and tables play a role… AJ looks to set up Bully on a table and hit an attack FROM THE TOP OF THE CAGE!!! Bully, anti-climatically rolls off the table and the spot is balked! Bully walks out… end opening segment.

– I enjoyed this! It was mostly two guys carrying the load of the talking, and then two logical minor run-ins leading to action being focused upon in the ring. And action that carries the storyline on without giving away an unnecessary high spot by AJ Styles. I want more, therefore, success!

– God help us, Rob Terry is in the cage (I guess it’s sticking around tonight?), is out with his Pal since we already saw Gunner. Terry wants Beer Money and their tag-titles. Beer Money comes out and asks the fans want… the crowd cheers, and the fans will get the match!

– *Beer Money! versus Rob Terry and His Pal for the TNA Tag Title Belts! But we get commercials, and then return to action already under way. Of course. But who cares, because Beer Money! carries this one to a decent match. They hide the weaknesses of the Juice and his Pal and eventually come out on top, your winners: Beer Money!

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Charles Barkley @G: “Hey! Check out my Zombie Angelina Love impression!!! Jim Jones!!!”

G @Charles Barkley: “HA HA! Although I don’t think it’s about ritual suicide with the Kool-Aid, Barks. Probably more the mind-control thing.”

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Oddly enough, I think I remember seeing ads for this game in comic books… Yeah, they made this. But they also made a video game for the flash-in-the-pan mascots The Noid and Dot!

– Ok, so we cut to a clip of Karen and Jeff Jarrett in a horse-drawn cart. The camera intentionally is bad to make a part of Universal Studios look like something it is not. Naturally, a romantic horse-drawn-carriage ride takes place through a movie soundstage. They talk about stuff, I tune out and write this paragraph instead. Afterwards, Hulk is seen walking to the ring backstage with a bat…

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I’ve played this one! Ha ha! Going old school here folks!

– Hogan is out and shows off his back (brace-free) as he walks down the ramp gingerly. He puts on his tough face, but there are enough falters in his step that it’s clear he’s one hurt dude, brother! Hogan wants to cut to the chase, and notes he is still “the man who made wrestling” and calls out RVD. Too bad this didn’t air a day ago, RVD, huh? I’m sure the title of that episode would have been “No Seeds, No Stems.” Blah, blah, about the chance to enter Immortal. RVD asks Hogan if he remembers the day before he was a heel and carried the business on his back…

QUOTE OF THE NIGHT!

RVD to Hulk Hogan: “But then you turned that back on everyone for ratings. And now instead of going down in business for greatness, everyone just… kind of… wishes you’d get the hell out of the business.”

– Yep, pretty much. Hogan looks distraught and offended. RVD says he has respect, and that “A wrestler today can’t make a living doing a drop kick!” Hogan asks him what he has done and says RVD’s “career has been mediocre at best, dude.” I love including the “dude” and “brother” usage by Hulk. He really still does this… sadly, often so do I. Yes, I did eat my vitamins. Wasn’t religious though, so…. no prayers, but still.

– Out comes Sting, and questions how Hogan can not call RVD a maineventer, or a top name…. especially since RVD will be in main event at the next PPV, Sacrifice. Hogan starts dropping a ton of weed references in a good moment of mic-work. Sting reveals that the “Network” will be here soon (tonight?)… Hogan makes Abyss versus RVD tonight. Good segment, or at least I enjoyed it.

– Angle walks backstage hunting Karen and Jeff… He even ducks down low so his enemies can’t pick his presence up on their HUD radar.

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The_Noid @G: “What’s up?”

G @The_Noid: “Fuck off, Hamburglar!”

– More backstage stuff with Madison Rayne bickering with Tara about Tara being responsible for Madison losing he title to Mickie James at Lockdown… Madison tells Tara she has to win some match tonight to be cool with her again… meh…

– Cut to Longo and Sid are being fed by the man who loves tag-teaming, Eric Young. He’s feeding them beans, and Kurt Angle enters and tells Eric to get buckets as the horses are shitting everywhere. Yes, that happened. I laughed my ass off at the poor taste of humour. Where’s Barkley when you need him? TURRIBLE! Loved it.

* TNA Knockouts Tag Team Title Match: Rosita & Sarita {C} vs. Tara & Madison Rayne. Somehow Rosita and Sarita have the titles, and Hernandez and Anqsdkhflks accompany them. Can’t remember how to spell his name. Anqdsuhfosdoi cuts a bit on the mic, and they do a racial supremacy chant about Mexico. Commercials, and we return. Stupid commercials….

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Spot7UP @G: “Hey check me out, I’m a red circle! I totally associate me with lemon lime flavored soda! MAKE A GAME!”

G @Spot7UP: “At least you know you suck then. Good. Enough with these junk food mascot video games…”

– What looks to be a good start, falls flat. The match ends quickly with Madison getting pinned by Sarita to retain… Tara walks away from the shrieking Madison, but is ignored. More Jeff/Karen stuff… time filler…

– Red carpet in the ring, a crown on a pedestal in it… the two come out, and the crowd is chanting, “Sloppy Seconds! [clap, clap, clap clap clap].” Jarrett is thanking Karen helping him beat Angle in the PPV match.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3HN8L0W8ewY[/youtube]
I’ve missed Sean Avery’s antics this season. I will admit, I do enjoy a good heel in professional sports “entertainments [sic].”

– But after all the love, Angle comes down and screws up the whole scene! He attacks Jeff, and tosses mud/shit/something brown all over Karen! And while Angle won’t lay a hand on the mother of his kids, he knows someone who will… his “mistress.” Janice? Either way, he tell’s Karen to “Get that shit off her face,” before the mistress arrives.

– Hogan confronts Anderson backstage… wants to know about Sting. Anderson ALSO ruined his chance (like RVD) to join Immortal at Lockdown. Anderson asks him WTF and whether he is on candid camera! He’s been screwed over for weeks. Hogan says he hates Anderson, blah blah the past. Anderson comes off the better promo here! Anderson basically puts Hogan in the Old Folks Home.

– * Abyss (w/ Hulk Hogan, brother) vs. RVD – Note: According to pwinsider.com, during this match Abyss had two of his front teeth knocked out! He leaves immediately after for medical care following the bout. For some reason Hogan has an aluminum tube rod instead of a bat now. I guess they lost the bat? Fuck it! Whatever, moving on…. Entrances and whatnot. This will likely suck.

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Sneak_King420 @G: “Stop hating on junk food mascots. You own my game, it’s on your shelf right now, you prick!”

G @Sneak_King420: “Yeah, I guess I do. It was free or super cheap with a meal combo. And it sucked, as does the food… yet I still eat it. G = Glutton-for-punishment. You should have been able to jump out of the bushes and jam a whopper in an unsuspecting victims mouth. But no…”

– Don’t get me wrong, I love RVD. Hearts and Hello Kitty garbage, swoon? What a shitty matchup. At least we get the Color-By-Numbers moveset display by Van Dam, until RVD gets laid out by the aluminum tube given to Abyss indirectly via Hogan. Yawn. Abyss is visably bleeding from his mouth in the post match beatdown. But how he lost the teeth, I don’t know. Matt Morgan CRIMSON makes a reluctant save and clears the ring of the heels. The teeth may very well still be in the ring, but Crimson is too. I guess he is still employed.

– Cut to Sting talking about Hardy, and mentions he wants Hardy back in the TNA family? Ok. And then something about Hogan, I guess… losing interest fast… FFW is becoming the trend…

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Portal 2 is out. Fan boys are running wild. The Wonderpod crew asks whether the cake is a lie in their last podcast of awesomeness.

Matt Hardy Some Internet Guy is angry as hell how Sting tossed away Jeff Hardy’s WWE Butterfly Championship Drug-Induced Ancient Egyptian Title Belt!

– He of the chainmail helmet, Scott Steiner takes exception. And cuts a classic Steiner promo! He’s angry, and kind of incoherent. But still great. But there is no time for clips to remind us, as we cut to Matt Morgan in the ring wanting to get back on the road towards a championship opportunity, and wants it. He need’s to be at the top… the waiting game is stale for him. And me. At least Morgan turns it out here, noting his respect for Steiner bringing collegiate athlete into pro wrestling, but not to underestimate Morgan and his space-DNA. And he wants a match… Steiner accepts? Maybe, but he nut-shots Morgan instead of handshake. Brawling, etc.

– Miss Tessmacher/Tessbacher/some shit, that aide to Eric Bischoff tells us she’s back “to the bitches at TNA.” Ok.

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Hmm… maybe it’s not the cake that is a lie… perhaps it is the baby? Or the cake-baby? Crazy…

– Winter and Velvet Sky are fighting backstage, but the zombie Angelina Love makes the save for Winter. Zombies and stuff… yawn… ok PatMan, here you go (rules are rules):

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Insert implied masturbation joke here.

– * Non-Title Match: Sting {C} vs. Some Internet Guy. Lots of bullshit to start as Beer Money and Immortal, and other folks brawl. After this, the “match” begins. Not much of a match here. I thought about commenting, but we didn’t see anything too special to start…. lots of time left…

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Weak start…

– Oh… wait. I am supposed to write about this, reviewing after all. 🙁 While it’s been better lately… I’m a tired G. Ok, let’s get through this debacle. They give it time, and in regards to Sting being old. Sadly, Hardy and Sting is weak, and Sting wins… but Mr. Anderson interferes… beats’em down and calls for his microphone from the sky. Cuts in on Sting, telling him “I’m not going anywhere any time soon […] and what did I just do? Mic Check? Mic Check? Soon enough, it’s going to be 1… 2… 3…” And that’s where the show SHOULD HAVE ENDED. But it didn’t instead we are treated to hear Karen Angle cry and moan backstage to Jeff about shit falling on her earlier, etc. Shriek. Etc. I tried to avoid this:

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Let the show end… seriously.

– Hogan tells Anderson via cell phone he’ll get his, but Hogan will have none of it, and he will pay the piper. No he won’t, Roddy isn’t showing up anytime soon. Hogan is pissed at “The Network playing Hide the Ball,” and repeats this over and over again. Why didn’t they just end with the match? Nope. Mr. Anderson has to talk some more to Wayne Arnold too… FUCK! More interview shit with Sting yelling, and then the show finally fucking ends…

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The TNA logo comes up, and I’m out.

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This iMPACT Review Appears on Three Sites!

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Bored Wrestling Fan


A break down of various professional wrestling programs and events from the eyes of the smarky fan! I highly recommend checking out the BWF!

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Wonderpod Online


The official home of Wonderpod, and an assortment of content ranging from all things wide and far… depending on what the author’s feel like writing about. A home for reviews, commentary, pop culture, and fiction just to start. Always worth a look.

BTW, Actually
These reviews started off in a place called Project Wonderboy, a site that shares the name with it’s original founder, “whatever.” But this incarnation was under the Morphine Nation banner. That site is now evolved with all it’s original members at BTW, Actually. This place is all about challenging censorship and political correctness in an intelligent way.

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Shameless Plugs!

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HEY YOU! HOCKEY FAN! NOT A HOCKEY FAN? MAYBE STILL A PHILANTHROPIST?

Two friends of mine are participating in beardathon.com, which is a fundraising project for NHL fans who follow the sports’ Stanley Cup tradition of growing out their beards for the entirety of their survival in the tournament. It represents aspects of superstition, and team sportsmanship as well. And for ThinkSoJoE and Rich Flynn of Bored Wrestling Fan, it’s about helping to give back to the community of their favorite hockey team, by also growing their own playoff beards and collect money via pledge. Both men represent the Buffalo Sabres hockey club. Here’s what they are raising money for:

The Buffalo Sabres Foundation has chosen to make its primary focus to (1) assist youth hockey initiatives, (2) support children’s health and wellness initiatives, specifically those that serve the underprivileged and handicapped, and (3) provide support to non-profit organizations that provide vital services to those in need in our community.

They are having a friendly little competition between themselves, ThinkSoJoE and Rich Flynn. They are both competing for the same charity, but against each other for fun. Regardless, ALL funds donated to either will go to the Buffalo Sabres Foundation! So everyone is a winner. Please consider donating to either (or both)!

Donate to ThinkSoJoE? Click Here. Donate to Rich Flynn? Click Here.

The Cultural Revolution (TCR Comix)
Al Creed’s comics dominate tongue and cheek humour here.

Wonderpod
A weekly podcast about the world of video games, from player experiences to current events in the industry, Bruce McGee, Pat Man, and Gun Sage provide insight into the medium for any gamer (whether casual or “pro”). Clicking the jump will take you to the iTunes page!

LarG Productions
An online music production project, free tunes spanning many genres… check it out!

Thinksobrain
ThinkSoJoE’s band, who is also the boss over at Bored Wrestling Fan. For those digging some sweet metal influenced, intriguing tunes… you really need to grab yourself an earfull.

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The Pac Man Cometh… all will be revealed on Wonderpod in about a month! Survivor Man G will explain!

7 Comments

  1. This was your best article yet! I nearly spit tea all over my monitor at several points. That cake is beyond disturbing! I want to give one to someone I know.

    I hated that title from the instant that I saw it. It plays off the title of a 1970 movie called "Two Mules for Sister Sara," starring Clint Eastwood and Shirley MacLaine. MacLaine plays a nun called Sara, who is rescued from Mexican bandits by Eastwood. Both prove to have secrets, but they end up becoming friends. Eastwood's character in the film is named "Hogan." Draw your own conclusions.

    I read in several places that leaving TNA was not Jay Lethal's decision. They seem to have cut him. I stand by my Facebook assertion that they couldn't afford to pay for the real Nature Boy while keeping such a fine impersonator on the roster. We can rehas this all day long, but TNA should have been centered around Jay Lethal and guys like him, as opposed to Sting, RVD, Matt Hardy, Flair, Rob Terry, and the like. Yes, I know….

    Sarita and Rosita are a good tag team. Mexican America is a terrible stable. Hernandez has less charisma than a dead armadillo, and can't talk to save his life. The other guy is Anarchia, not that it matters. Xenophobia, they name is TNA. In 2011, that's pathetic.

    Is Steiner a heel now, or is he just Steiner being over doing whatever he wants to do, whether it makes sense or not?

    Miss Tessmacher? Are you serious? Good lord, what a joke! Again, notice the awkward and unnecessary swearing by a hot chick for no real reason. I'm calling it now, that Kurt Angle's "mistress" will be the former Serena. She had a try-out match at that taping, I believe.

    I hate the Hervey-cam endings. Just end the show, already. It kills it, and there wasn't much to begin with.


    • Thanks for the clarification on the title! That does make some sense, albeit in a drawn out mishandled way. At least there are some connections to the episode… even though it still implies Hogan dominance on a subtle level. I guess I can't be surprised by that one.

      I don't mind Sarita and Rosita. Rosita still comes across a little awkward at times, but for a girl who fits the model-build she's vastly superior to many. Sarita is great, I love her style (except when she does Eddie's little saunter-dance). The stable is a poor choice on so many levels. I realize they want to give an identity to the group, but this approach is beyond a stereotype. It's just dumb. I refuse to learn how to spell Anarwehtskdfhjkfas's name until he gives me reason to care. I don't mind wrestler's borrowing from each other, but to be such a cliche…. I'd rather watch Kerwin White, actually.


  2. Hopefully Drowgoddess is right and it's Serena and not Isis who could probably double as Rob Terry's sister. I would even go for Leva Bates I would watch it but alas Impact wasn't as cluttered as usual so it will get a passing grade. This show also included wrestling which is rare now a days in this "Sports Entertainment" environment. again good post G. Hope to see what happens next week through your blog.


    • I never saw enough of Serena in the WWE as a grappler to know how good she might be. However, if she can go, I hope they do give her a chance. On the same token, I would hope they don't saddle her with "the bald" gimmick. It worked in Punk's faction because it was developed and established over time… it won't make any sense in TNA without putting over WWE. Here's hoping TNA doesn't screw up a potentially good signing.

      Thanks again for reading Pintnoir! Also, hit us up whenever you like if you want to contribute!


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