The build to TNA Sacrifice continues… or so I’m told. I’m not sure how many people order the PPV’s, after all. Nonetheless, this is the first taped episode since we saw Obama use Hogan’s Real American theme song on Saturday’s event, and the declaration that Osama is dead. Theoretically, TNA iMPACT has lots of news worthy stuff they can use to stroke Hogan’s ego. I hear they are also no longer called TNA either…. or so they say… let’s find out, shall we?

I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s iMPACT reviews work. There was a slight “rules” to G watching the show. Something I forgot, that should be in there. Rules update is at the very end.

– Happy Cinco de Mayo!

– Tonight’s episode is entitled: “The Network is Coming.” Right. We’ve had “they” as our comers-in-question twice in… what, like 6 months? C’mon, something original?

– Hogan with Immortal, like Some Internet Guy, his pal, Rob “the Juice” Terry, Gunner, etc., run down a ringside RVD and Sting. Sting tells us a representative of the Network is coming next week, and it’s a “she.” A brawl breaks out as Immortal attacks company guys like Al Snow and so forth, so RVD, Sting and Fourtune enter and clear the ring. Robert Rhoode grabs a microphone and calls out Hogan, and it’s Rhoode’s time to talk. He wants to talk about “what comes from my heart.”

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Why might this be here… read on… and watch on, actually…

– He notes Hogan inspired him as a kid to become a wrestler, and that even after all of this he has one thing. Rhoode has pride. He informs Hogan that he busts his ass and earns every penny he earns here, and is “a blue collar worker, and half of America are blue collar workers.” Then Rhoode notes “You ruin people’s lives Hulk. […] You don’t give a damn!” Holy fuck! This is a great promo by Rhoode, a sincere Robert shoots about Jay Lethal being fired, his friend.

– You should watch this part. You can do that here (might require a sign up though, it’s free). Start at the 4:48 mark, smark. Don’t be lazy. I get paid nothing to say this, and have no affiliation… but if you are reading this you are likely a wrestling nerd like me, so enjoy the present. Thanks for reading… anyways….

POSSIBLE LINE OF THE NIGHT (WATCH THE DAMN CLIP):
– Rhoode: “The games are over Hulk! So let me properly introduce you to myself… My name is Bobby Rhoode. And I am the man who is going to stand up to you, you selfish son of a bitch. I am the man who is going to be the man who is going to stand up to you, because next week… things are going to change.”

– Hogan smiles in a really evil way (Credit to Hulkster heelishly playing the coniving bastard power authority in one excellent facial expression). End segment. I hope Rhoode takes advantage of this or at least gets a chance to do so.

– Karen Angle has an offer for a Velvet Sky who is called out of the dressing room backstage. Velvet Sky + PatMan + Kleenex = Happy Ending. See? The rules are mathematical now. Awesome.

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I am starting to wonder if Daffney has found a way to invade the rules of G watching iMPACT…

– Cold Blooded Matt Hardy Some Internet Guy cuts a decent promo backstage about Bobby Rhoode, and that Hardy will have a special OMG SECRET tag partner to challenge Beer Money! at Sacrifice.

* Sangrieto vs. Suicide. Suicide is introduced from Parts Unknown. Survivor Man G might know a thing about that. Sangrieto is a lucha from Mexico. His name means “Bloody, blood thirsty, in a blood sport,” Tenay tells us. He’s TNA‘s iMPACT’s answer to Sin Cara? Mayhaps. I watched this match twice.

– Sangrieto goes over Suicide in his debut match! This was a great little lucha bout, so a smile is placed on my face.

For both J.T. and myself. I grab number two… cold, cold beer…

– Backstage to Hogan and Easy-E. The two are concerned about the Network. This will likely be the theme of the Wayne Arnold segments for the night… probably won’t comment on them unless something relevant emerges other than that.

– Mexico America is in the ring for Cinco de Mayo! The heels drop the confetti and the Mexican Flag. USA! USA! chants from the crowd as the Chavo guy talks history (sadly limited). Instead, he swerves into typical racial biased cliches, as does Sarita calls the Spanish announce team to join the party. Kind of a shitty segment, but at least Hector Guerrero is involved. The MA likes Hector, but the other guy is Puerto American, and that doesn’t fly with the heel faction. Hector defends his co-announcer…

– Naturally Inc. Ink runs out, because… umm…. I’ve got nothing. Ahh… Jesse Neal/Neil/Niel/Kneel tells us not to disrespect USA! USA! Etc. Nationalism, etc. I’m Canadian, so I don’t care. Also, puppies in the snow!

That’s not just any snow. That’s fucking Canadian snow, bitch. Hockey. Etc. See? I can do that too…

* Bully Ray & Gunner vs. AJ Styles & Christopher Daniels – Last week Gunner looked ok, and this match looks good on paper. Bully Ray has a great heel role these days too. Great start, and Styles and Daniels hit a neat little move combination akin to that of the Eliminator’s finisher. After a short decent fight, Tommy Dreamer runs in and looks to play face BUT NO!!! Instead Dreamer PILE DRIVES AJ Styles! Bully Ray looks on happy as Dreamer seems semi-reluctant about the whole thing…

Bully talks into the camera as our WTF RUSSO swerve settles in…

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H4hGSR5njZE[/youtube]
This happens twice. Love this cover of Snoop Dogg. Double G.

– Backstage Wayne Arnold stuff… Styles and Daniels talk to Kaz about the interference… Bully Ray and Some Internet Guy discuss stuff too… etc.

– Winter feeds the Zombie, Angelina Sky food. She talks mischief and magic, and all that brain washing stuff…

– Velvet Sky will hear of Karen’s offer…

Whoop dee doo?

– Karen continue’s her Clouseau investigation from last week… Karen is convince Velvet it Angle’s Mistress. Velvet destroys Karen on the microphone here. Yes, Velvet. She completely shoots down Karen’s allegations about her being Kurt’s mistress. Fucking brilliant. Loved it. Since Velvet and her are “BFF’s no more,” she has a “girl” she’s had her sights on… Jeff Jarrett is called a “Big Daddy.” Then it gets catty, and bleh. Also meh.

– Big Daddy?

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Nahh…

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Nope.

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That WOULD BE AWESOME. But no.

– Kurt Angle will be in Velvet’s corner next week in a match between the two females. Also, expect that Sean Waltman may be buzzing on Twitter next week too. For the wrong reasons. Cat fight stuff turns out to be fucking fun to watch. Of course, Velvet unnecessarily uses profanity, much to DrowGoddess’s chagrin.

– His Pal and Rob Terry go to Eric Bischoff wanting to help, but since both are scrubs, Eric will fire one of the two who lose against each other tonight! Send both to the curb, says the man occasionally known as G.

* Rob Terry vs. Murphy. Yawn. Someone gets fired (I think, or one person is kicked from Immortal, so same thing). Hossfest. Nothing special here, as Rob Terry pins His Pal Murphy. Yeah, I’ll name the guy as it is likely the man who earned a “rule” in my reviews is likely out of job…. actually both of them are as backstage Hogan calls the match bad, and that he’s done with both of them.


Completely missed chemistry. Also, hockey playoffs and IIHF action = better than this.

– Crimson and Samoa Joe have words backstage about not helping each other. I guess. Ok.

* TNA Knockouts Title Match: Mickie James {C} vs. Miss Tessmacher. OR… injured versus incompetent. Mickie still carries “Miss” to a few minute match, but of course retains.

– Madison Rayne comes out and points out that she didn’t have to give James a rematch, but did it anyways, and wants to same favor. James says ok, as long as Rayne puts something on the line like James did with her hair… Rayne agrees, so James’ says that Rayne has to put the contract between Tara and Madison on the line thus rendering Tara free. Rayne shrieks and agrees (Tara smiles), but the shrieking activates the rules of G:

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Classy AJ knows how to talk to women? Not likely… but to Madison and Tara… well, that’s kind of historical now, isn’t it?

– Brian Kendrick, Amazing Red, and the Bucks go to talk to Bischoff about not being used and that what happened to Jay Lethal won’t happen to them too… Eric’s response is that they need to grow 16 inches, and calls them “sawed off runts” and to quit if they don’t like it. BOO! BOO, I say.

– Videos remind us that RVD was never pinned for his title, and that Sting thinks that makes this a good match for Sacrifice. Continuity prevails here.

* Jeff Jarrett, Zombie Angelina Love & Winter vs. Kurt Angle & Velvet Sky

– After all the intro-hooplah, Jeremy Borash does a fine job introducing the combatants. Winter and the zombie mix things up with Velvet to start. Then commercials kick in…


This girl seems to be orbiting. But centripetal force doesn’t work that way… Physics? Fail.

– The living dead Angelina Romero put Baby Velvet in a corner with beat downs through out our commercial extravaganza! This lasts seconds as Double J and Angle mix it up. We get some quick action and catch-as-can stuff, until Angle locks in the Randy Orton Lock on Jarrett… Karen gets involved, as does Velvet, and the heels, confusion, etc. Velvet hits a double DDT on Zombie and Winter FTW! ? ? Ok.

– Post match, Kurt congratulates Velvet on the win. Then Angle tells Karen she is about to enjoy a nightmare, one she cannot fathom or think of. He calls her/him/it the chosen one… next week. “Oh, that is real… that is damn real, bitch,” Angle tell her.

– Hogan and Bischoff go to leave, but find their car spray painted stating: “You’re Next” and pine about it being Goldberg… then drive off as Kendrick, Red, and the Bro’s laugh about it…

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The TNA logo comes up, and I’m out.

Wait a second… somethings wrong here… something is not right.

Hmm…

Hmmm….

Hmmm…..

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Charles Barkley @G: “Sigh… yes. Again. Bail?”

G @Charles Barkley: “Bastard.”

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This iMPACT Review Appears on Three Sites!

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Bored Wrestling Fan


A break down of various professional wrestling programs and events from the eyes of the smarky fan! I highly recommend checking out the BWF!

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Wonderpod Online


The official home of Wonderpod, and an assortment of content ranging from all things wide and far… depending on what the author’s feel like writing about. A home for reviews, commentary, pop culture, and fiction just to start. Always worth a look.

BTW, Actually
These reviews started off in a place called Project Wonderboy, a site that shares the name with it’s original founder, “whatever.” But this incarnation was under the Morphine Nation banner. That site is now evolved with all it’s original members at BTW, Actually. This place is all about challenging censorship and political correctness in an intelligent way.

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Shameless Plugs!

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HEY YOU! HOCKEY FAN! NOT A HOCKEY FAN? MAYBE STILL A PHILANTHROPIST?

Two friends of mine are participating in beardathon.com, which is a fundraising project for NHL fans who follow the sports’ Stanley Cup tradition of growing out their beards for the entirety of their survival in the tournament. It represents aspects of superstition, and team sportsmanship as well. And for ThinkSoJoE and Rich Flynn of Bored Wrestling Fan, it’s about helping to give back to the community of their favorite hockey team, by also growing their own playoff beards and collect money via pledge. Both men represent the Buffalo Sabres hockey club. Here’s what they are raising money for:

The Buffalo Sabres Foundation has chosen to make its primary focus to (1) assist youth hockey initiatives, (2) support children’s health and wellness initiatives, specifically those that serve the underprivileged and handicapped, and (3) provide support to non-profit organizations that provide vital services to those in need in our community.

They are having a friendly little competition between themselves, ThinkSoJoE and Rich Flynn. They are both competing for the same charity, but against each other for fun. Regardless, ALL funds donated to either will go to the Buffalo Sabres Foundation! So everyone is a winner. Please consider donating to either (or both)!

Donate to ThinkSoJoE? Click Here. Donate to Rich Flynn? Click Here.

The Cultural Revolution (TCR Comix)
Al Creed’s comics dominate tongue and cheek humour here.

Wonderpod
A weekly podcast about the world of video games, from player experiences to current events in the industry, Bruce McGee, Pat Man, and Gun Sage provide insight into the medium for any gamer (whether casual or “pro”). Clicking the jump will take you to the iTunes page!

LarG Productions
An online music production project, free tunes spanning many genres… check it out!

Thinksobrain
ThinkSoJoE’s band, who is also the boss over at Bored Wrestling Fan. For those digging some sweet metal influenced, intriguing tunes… you really need to grab yourself an earfull.

G’s “THE RULES” reviewing wrestling, currently TNA‘s iMPACT:

Whenever Godzilla is mentioned, Charles Barkley will “tweet” G, and mention he fought “A Godzilla” once. G will point out it is the creature’s name, not the species.
Beer Money! always has an exclamation point. Fuck grammar.
Jason Hervey is Wayne Arnold.
Angelina Love is a zombie.
While I might not watch the live-to-tv airing, I will get the review of the show up the night of… but I WILL record it (PVR), so I can FFW through commercials.
If I pause for any reason, or rewind for that matter, I will make note of it. It’s TN-Fucking-A, I can’t save face admitting I’m watching it at this point anyways.
I edit in real time, in the sense, while the show is on my television.
MATT HARDY IS NOW “Some Internet Guy”
D’ANGELO DINERO is “Your Pope, my Pope, THE Pope”
GUNNER AND MURPHY ARE NOW GUNNER AND HIS… PAL courtesy of Ric Flair….
“Shut up hooker!” AJ Styles line http://www.gifsoup.com/view3/1550422/classy-aj-o.gif
“Heeltastic” – DrowGoddess needs more, and since she’s awesome, I’ll provide it.
Velvet Sky appearances require animated gifs and PatMan references.
“Heavy Burtation” occasionally something makes no sense. http://wonderpodonline.com/?p=1720
Michelle McCool references are renamed “Michelle McRibs” even though she is not on this show (Former Smackdown rule, that MUST apply).

7 Comments

  1. Of course she has. Daffney can invade anything that she likes. 😉

    Roode is awesome. But we already knew that. Oh, sorry –

    If Sangrieto really is Amazing Red in a mask, as I've heard, does this mean that he'll get more of a push than he usually does?

    "Puppies in snow" > everything

    My chagrin just fails to grasp the point of overdoing the Knockouts' swearing on the level that they do. It just seems so forced and fake, particularly with Velvet Sky. Like hot chicks can't string three words together without two of them being profanities. We get it, you aren't PG and sexy women cursing gets you off. Stop trying so hard!

    Nothing means anything on this show. Not titles, not alliances, not characters, not wrestling, not anything. That's not me being smarky, or harping on the negative, that's me shaking my head in disappointment and disbelief. There is not one compelling reason to watch this product. TNA is now every Adam Sandler movie of the past several years. A guy gathers his friends, throws together a sketchy reason to be on camera, and proceeds to have a good time with his buddies on camera before presenting it to the public as a legitimate product. Despite Jeff Jarrett's assertions, TNA is boring beyond comprehension. One would think that jaded cynicism would have rendered this statement void, but the idea that someone writes this mess isn't nearly as appalling as the idea that other people approve it to air. Until the bubble bursts, more dreadful is all that there will be.


    • I can't believe that the Big Daddy reference tied into your analysis of the the show. Odd coincidence, but I completely understand your point… it's just strange how it plays out. Of course, it could also kind of lend itself to the third Big Daddy reference of BioShock which is based on the writings of Ayn Rand. So it gets creepier.

      I was thinking that Sangrieto looked familiar, but couldn't place the guy. The mask covers all the hair, but his style and gait… It kind of makes sense as to why Red was part of Kendrick's angry Job Squad for the tapings.

      All in all, I enjoyed tonight's episode for that match, and Roode's promo. I don't think it was as boring as past episodes have been, but certainly nowhere at the level of the Pre-Hogan/Bischoff period. If I was able to predict things, I'd start a death watch for the show. Apparently the Carter Matriarch is in charge of the budget of the program now, which is a sign that Panda Energy is starting to show concern (for good reason). Perhaps the Network angle is inter-related?


  2. Great Post. This show was excellent and by that I mean excellent by Impact standards. I thought to myself as I watched that I loved the episode for being better structured (again by Impact standards) and the recent ratings for this episode proved that. I do want to know how I can summit a column on this site. I have one brewing about the change to Impact Wrestling and what I would love to see happen. If you can get back to me G I would appreciate it. Thanks again for the post.


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