iMPACT 05/12/11By G · · 7 Comments
Time to watch the little promotion in Florida that couldn’t, right?
I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s iMPACT reviews work.
Let’s get on down… to it, shall we?
– Bischoff confronts Hogan, who is pacing out front of the arena with his lead pipe awaiting “the Network.” Then we cut to Karen Clouseau-Jarrett-Angle clips. Tonight Angle’s mistress the “chosen one” will be here to tonight. When I was a kid I heard that if I dug a hole in my backyard deep enough, I would end up in…
I’ll make the reference instead.
– Tonight’s installment is entitled, “The Network’s Revenge.” No metaphors or pop culture references (I think) tonight. Just the facts, ma’am.
– Opening bit is Jeff and Karen in the ring calling a truce. They are scared. Good promo by Jeffry Jeff Jarrett here, but it is a fairly classic cowardly heel bit. Karen is also concerned and scared about the mistress… she attempts to turn face and apologize. Ha ha! Of course out comes Kurt wearing his “Basebrawl” TNA shirt. Kurt notes that Karen and Mr. Douchebag have kept pushing him… not cool. He’s tolerated it for the kids, but he doesn’t even know Karen anymore, and why he ever married her. Calls her a gold digger. Kurt wants his just due at Sacrifice…then he calls the mistress his “business partner.” The Network representative will properly introduce her later. He also teases that Jeff knows who it is. Of course.
– Tara and Madison Rayne versus Mickie James and Miss Tessmacher. Tessmacher is a face? Whatever. Tessmacher puts her glasses in the corner, but in a place where they totally could get stepped on. Stupid.
– We start off with Mickie and Tara who engage in some chain action. Nice. Madison shrieks at Tara when her and Mickie have a handshake spot. Madison shrieks some more, and tags Tara who turns to confront her high pitched noise. Mickie tags in the Tessmacher who ends up on top off Madison’s shoulders and rolls up Rayne to win.
– An argument between Flair and Hogan/Eric as they question Flair’s loyalty, and turns into Flair telling Hogan he’s got to chill and they are on the same page. Flair is great here, I fucking love that he can save any segment… always.
This is one ridiculous goal.
– Our first Wayne Arnold backstage segments begin. Tara cuts a retarded promo about Madison, who walks in… Tommy Dreamer is next who doesn’t want to talk about last week, and he is interrupted by AJ Styles about the same thing. Styles is told he is too young to know what’s going on. Styles notes he is a grown man with three kids. ABOUT TIME! Dreamer says Styles won’t understand… Styles challenges Dreamer at Sacrifice. Dreamer says, “Maybe nobody really knows who I am. Walk a mile in my shoes… what would Tommy Dreamer do, AJ? What would Tommy Dreamer do?” This went pretty well.
– Arnold with Sting. Blah blah, cliche, blah.
– Beer Money! is out in suits and here to talk about Matt Hardy’s magical mystery teammate for the tag titles at Sacrifice. Bobby Roode implies we all know who the partner is, calling out Matthew. Matt calls them nobodies, essentially. He’s good here. See, he even earned the right to NOT be called Some Internet Guy this week as his promos have really improved as of late. Credit. Things get real nice and heated as Hardy calls Storm an alcoholic… making Storm walk right up to Hardy and get’s into serious-mode. He takes a quick sarcastic swig off his beer first, ripping the cowboy hat from his head and the sunglasses from his face.
– James Storm gets serious for a moment, and for that… I give him the LINE OF THE NIGHT. Well lines… whatever.
“Oh… you don’t need to back up…. Let me tell you who I am! I’m the man who will walk into a bar and will bust you right in your face! And then… I will walk out with your girlfriend and take her home, and make you buy me a case of beer to come over to watch me and her have a good time! So what you need to do, is shut your damn mouth, and get your brother out here… and see how great you really are.”
– That was fucking awesome. Very natural, and well delivered. Kudos Mr. Storm. Hardy tells him to step off, since this will happen at Sacrifice. And it’s not his brother. The fans will have to pay to find out on Sunday. Wait? What? Braden Walker walks out?
– Nah, it’s the Wildcat Chris Harris. Yes, him. Interesting. (Spoilers already spoiled this for me).
That Lacrosse goal earlier, reminded me of this one on Toskala. Ridiculous.
– Suicide versus Sangrieto. So Daniels versus Amazing Red. I like me the lucha style, modified or not. I won’t call the action, move by move. I never do. This is high speed, action packed match that mixed up a variety of styles, and thereby a fun watch. Sangrieto does a spot were he lifts his mask so he can mouth taunts… liked that…. Suicide is prone as Sangrieto misses a high spot, but NO! Reversal, pin? NOOO!! Sangrieto lands a move that is an RKO/Diamond Cutter but jumps off the second rope backwards to land it! Great finisher!
Robot baby, I guess
– Out comes Ric Flair and Immortal to ring to talk. Hogan too, and he is calling bullshit on the Network… he wants the representative out here. Up next!!! Commercials!
– We’re back! And out comes Mick Foley! Fuck yes! Foley right away gets down to business, and he’s the guy. He’s the Network! Bischoff gets in the way, so Foley drops him. “I’m a network executive!” shouts Mick. “This show isn’t about you, and you, and you…” pointing at Jarrett, Flair, and Hogan, “This show is about wrestling!” Wow. Foley changes the name of the show to iMPACT! It’s all about that wrestling matters, and fuck the rest of that shit. He books a 25 man Battle Royale with Cheese. I love this. I can’t swear enough to express how hard I am crossing my fingers. Sports Entertainment? No, I don’t want that. I want wrestling. Also Chyna.
– Yes, Kurt Angle’s mistress/business partner is Chyna of the late nineteen-nineties. It’s true, it’s damn Barkley…
Charles Barkley @G: “Nope. In jail.”
G @Charles Barkley: “My bad.”
– Foley talks a bit with Wayne Arnold backstage, Chyna is their. She says nothing with the botox injections keeping her face immobile. Then we get Mr. Anderson with nothing much to say….
– Abyss versus Samoa Joe versus Crimson. It’s pretty much a brawler match, and a result we don’t get too much. Crimson takes advantage of a Black Hole Slam, wins… but Samoa Joe and Abyss both have none of it post match. Abyss hits the beat down, as Joe walks out…. Time I will never get back ends. BOO!
– It’s faction time! Fourtune and Immortal make their way out and fill the ring. And it gets more crowded as Mr. Anderson and Kurt Angle get involved. Damn I love a Battle Royal. The ring is full, and there is no way I am going to cover all of the crowd here. Theoretically this match has 30 minutes. Yeah right. Haven’t seen Velvet Sky tonight. Rules are rules, especially when they are not:
HEY PAT! DAFFNEY HAS TAKEN OVER!!! RULE CHANGE IS OFFICIAL? CAPS LOCKS?
– Bully Ray is pretty heeltastic amongst a clusterfuck of guys trying to make sense out of the situation. Various random guys are tossed early, and there are Knockouts outside the ring based on their affiliations with men in the ring (e.g. Mexican America). I think his pal is/was in there. Gunner too. Jesse Neil/Neal/Niel is out. No one cares. So is Robbie E, etc. Wash, Lather, Rinse, Repeat. Notably, Hardy cheats Roode out of his spot, building that feud.
– With about 10 men or so in the ring, Bubby tells Dreamer to do what he’s told. We don’t see what that is though… Before we cut to another commercial, your Pope, my Pope, THE Pope takes out Devon in what might be a start to a program. Angle takes a taunting Pope out afterwards.
Loving the clusterfuck!
– We’re back, and our final six are AJ Styles, Angle, Dreamer, Bully Ray, Mr. Anderson, and Jeff Jarrett. 10 minutes left. Yes, a half hour match on TNA, where “Wrestling Matters,” according to Mick Foley.
– Ray cheats the ref and escapes an elimination, Dreamer eliminates Styles and highfives Ray. Then Ray takes out Dreamer. Down to four…. Ray and Anderson appear to be out…. Angle and Jarrett sell a PPV match by giving it to us now… Kurt gets distracted by Karen, ELIMINATED! Jarrett stands seemingly victorious… but Chyna is out! She turfs Jess and stares down Karen… but the couple flees the botox! Meanwhile, Ray and Anderson crawl back in to scrap (match is still on?). They draw it out a little giving us Anderson a win in the Battle Royal. But TNA needs to give us more segments.
– Yep, Mr. Anderson is the number one contender for the title against Sting. Osama Bin Laden line, not worth quoting. Wayne Arnold segments ensue including Sting being interrupted by RVD. This show was better than many we’ve seen. See…. I’m being positive, right? Time to play some video games. Later.
The TNA logo comes up, and I’m out.
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