Home ▸ Impact ▸ iMPACT: 12/09/10. Lot’s of Things Come in “Two’s”

Last Sunday was the Final Resolution PPV. So naturally, with everything resolved, there will be no more conflict. Total Nonstop … umm…. umm… presents: iMPACT!

I generally take a peek at the non-spoiler card for shows I suffer through and review. And normally I don’t start off these intro segments with any reference… but tonight is different. Daffney is back on my television tonight! Let’s find out if TNA presents her as a threat, or uses her as enhancement…

🙂

– Eric Bischoff and Flair meet with Fortune/Immortals backstage blah-blahing about the Dixie Carter injunction, and trying to motivate the men to stand up for the WWE control they are about the possibly lose. “No more losers,” states Eric after berating AJ for losing his TV title. Enter Rhino, asking where’s that contract you promised me? Eric writes “NO!” with a green marker on a sheet of paper. No more losers.

🙂

– Then the heels hit the ring to introduce Jeff Hardy who retained on Sunday. More praise and whatnot, until Matt Morgan brings a lead pipe down with him to the ring after being called out by Eric. Eric spins everything to argue Mr. Anderson blew Morgan’s shot for the title, and Morgan will face Anderson in a match for a number one shot at the title. I enjoyed Bisch here…

– Cut to Bubba, who introduces the “new” Devon… who says, “Oh my brother! Testify!” While this might really tank, it does follow the who premise Bubba suggested, in that he could carried anyone to their team’s success.

Charles Barkley@ G: “I think that bunny in that last picture was talking to YOU, G!”

G@ Charles Barkley: “That was just awesome, Barks….”

– Ink Inc. vs. Team 3D. Well, it’s the fake Devon. This is what it is. The fake Devon is alright for what he is allowed to do here, but his story is that he is booked weak to imply that he indeed is not a comparable replacement? Hmm…. doesn’t look that way as Bubba sets up a successful “What’s up?”. However, as they go to do their table spot the faces turn things around and the fake Devon is pinned. Bubba proceeds to beat down the fake Devon, BUT IN RUNS THE REAL DEVON! But… you already knew that would happen…

RIGHT?

– I guess to one up Mickie, Tara is going to sing her entrance song with Generation Me playing a boy band with no-shirts role, and continuing Tara’s Cougar gimmick…. because hey, Vickie Guerrero/Cougar Town, right? And Desperate Housewives is certainly still the cat’s meow of cutting edge? I digress… mostly because this segment will feature at least on Mickie James run in as well. And I actually love Tara in the ring, just not the rolling gimmick changes. The Cougar deal… why can’t she just kick ass and take names? Meh.

– Matt Morgan searches for his buddy Mr. Anderson, and we cut to the musical shit. The dancing and pantomiming is so turrible here, it must be farce…. hamming it up. And the previous paragraph I wrote is exactly what we see happen (so the hamming is that extra jammed-in TNA gimmicktaculor content! These people save NOTHING for outtakes on DVDs! NOTHING! Mickie challenges Tara to a steel cage match tonight. Ok, they got one more thing in…

I went to Google Search with “safe surf off,” and seek “Cram it in there.” Should’ve known better! HAHAHHA!!! But you get Wasteland food from the Fallout Universe since I’m hooked on New Vegas on the 360 right now.

– I missed some talky bit, oh well…

– The Motor City Machine Guns vs. Gunner & Murphy. It’s Fuck, yeah! versus Fuck…. No… Really? Yawn… essentially. Beer Money!, who continue their war on proper punctuation, come down to tailgate at ring side. Shots of James Storm drinking beer on commentary ensue…

– This match was a waste. And by waste, I mean because Gunner & Murphy were in it. Slow hoss, David versus Goliath, boring from them. The MCMG’s keep me watching because of their explosive high spot outbursts. Those of course where excellent. Alex opts for a DQ finish as he takes a night stick to Gunphy.

– Winter is NOT Mr. Snuffleupagus this week. A segment with the Beautiful People ensues, with Winter revealing herself to both women. Velvet Sky is actually pretty funny here… ha ha… and for the mighty PatMan, and speaking of perversion… here’s the obligatory (some of my posted gifs are like a drinking game, BTW):

I like this move… looks like you wouldn’t get up real quick. SMALL DETAILS ARE IMPORTANT WHILE THIS SENTENCE’S LETTERS ARE BIG.

– We see Matt Morgan talk with Anderson. Morgan neatly points out what he gave up turning on the Immortals to defend Anderson’s injury angle. Anderson points out his suffering and time off makes him justified as well to have interest in looking out for himself.

– – The Beautiful People vs. Daffney & Sarita. I like this match on paper. I root for all of them (memo to fellow Canuck Angelina Love: eat food). Let me just say, Daffney’s entrance was fucking awesome. I’m not a massive gothic/macabre fan, honestly, though I appreciate much fiction/film/etc from the genre. Simultaneously, her entrance was perfect for her character if you ask me:

Sarita’s kind of funny here too. Personality? Check. Ditto.

– Sarita talks a little smack to the BP’s about finishing shit, and then we get underway…. and we do get a fucking solid match here. Not long enough, but you already knew that. The Beautiful People pick up the win, and yes Daffney is enhancement here. Sarita calls Velvet Sky a loser (with the L sign to the forehead) as she leaves my dear Daff dying. hahaha. Sadly, another loser reference. Idea jar empty, Russo?

Over use?

– I’m not sure how many video packages/hilights/etc I just FFW’d through, but it was a lot.

Charles Barkley @G: “What’s up with bunnies calling you loser tonight, Doc?”

G @Charles Barkley: “… I see. Attempts at a subtle Warner Brothers character reference, Chuck?”

– A casket is wheeled out. Then a dancing congregation of choir singers dance down to the ring and continue their dance moves as the discombobulated voice of D’Angelo Dinero ushers in a fantastic sermon-esque promo. He talks of bringing the people up, and sharing in the holiday season, etc. Not as cheesy as it sounds (some might argue, I suppose). He’s basically shilling an Evangelical style, but also philanthropic new outlook for the Pope. We never see him, just the open casket that is illuminated in white light surrounded by the congregation. I felt this was effective in that it builds suspense. We have to now wait… Excellent!

This dude gets more serious than Lance Storm… speaking of which, it’s time for a match!

– Douglas Williams vs. Abyss. Ohh… c’mon, Abyss? I’d take Shark Boy (happily) over this. Williams is being wasted. Just like those goddamn disrespectful rabbits, we get a duplicate waste of pairing… and for the Television Championship no doubt. I understand that Immortal Fortune wants to book one of their guys to get AJ’s belt back…. but why not Kaz? Or a rematch with AJ? C’mon!

– Douglas Williams retains, thankfully. Nothing special here, just another David/Goliath matchup. AJ attacks Doug post match, since that hasn’t happened tonight.

This kid should have sadistically taken a blowdryer to the snowman instead. Slow, but effective.

– Hey hey! Here’s a guy who sold out, and likes beating up children in MMA dojos! It’s Double J, Jeffry “Jeff” Jarrett! He tells us he’s the most feared athlete in the world today and he proved it in that shitty PPV match with Samoa Joe! They bored us into being convinced, apparently. “I’m throwing out the first Double-J, Double-MMA challenge,” he tells us. And he’ll give the winner 100 grand. Borash interrupts and clarifies the stip. Borash finds tons of people in the audience, including a hoss who Jarrett denies. This is actually really fun! Jarrett picks a guy who looks like a total scrawny indie guy smark. Jeff wins swiftly.

– The Steel Cage Match between Mickie James and Tara… Tara rides out on her motorbike, so they acknowledge our so so short attenti… Hey where’s her fucking spider, anyways? They brawl outside the ring because we have to see that at least twice per episode when knockouts are involved… commercial.

I crack another beer. Diversions ensue…

– Last week I mentioned that a match that can be completely described in words is one that doesn’t need to be performed. Tonight, I have to give credit to both Mickie and Tara for putting on a pretty damn fine bout:

Good job by both, I don’t remember seeing a main event featuring female wrestlers in a cage.  And they worked hard.  So Kudos. G’s your hookup until they take it down…

– If you didn’t watch….

N
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S
P
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– James launches herself from the top of the fucking cage onto Tara after a long classic match, and this allows for a pin. Mickie wins! CARNAGE.

– The TNA logo comes up, and I’m out… eight minutes ago, technically. Reaction officially starts I guess.

Also:

The trend of doubles continues. This time, it tastes less like dog piss.

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Random Bored Wrestling Fan Reference:

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I think that it is only FAR from fair that I shill the Bored Wrestling Fan in this spot. The Morphine Nation is current down/issues. And I’d like to pimp my Scottish Commonwealth fellow smark, Mr. Jamie Kennedy. Check this bad boy out: Full House

– Speaking of which… Where you at Bob Sagget?

The facial expressions here tell their own story!

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Shameless Plugs!

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Bored Wrestling Fan
A break down of various professional wrestling programs and events from the eyes of the smarky fan

The Cultural Revolution (TCR Comix)
Al Creed’s political humour comics dominate tongue and cheek humour here

Project Wonderboy
A site dedicated to pop culture and media. From film to video games, MMA to hockey, and so forth.

Morphine Nation
An off-the-cuff, non-PC humour website. Originally founded by Destructoid’s Jim Sterling, the Morphine Nation provides a haven for content and criticism.

Wonderpod
A weekly podcast about the world of video games, from player experiences to current events in the industry, Bruce McGee, Pat Man, and Gun Sage provide insight into the medium for any gamer (whether casual or “pro”).

LarG Productions
An online music production project, free tunes spanning many genres… check it out!

Thinksobrain
ThinkSoJoE’s band, who is also the boss over at Bored Wrestling Fan. For those digging some sweet metal influenced, intriguing tunes… you really need to grab yourself an earfull.

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