iMPACT: 12/23/10By G · · 4 Comments
IT’S WAFFLE TIME!
Often cited as one of the busiest shopping days of the year, December 23rd is one of madness in the malls. How better to celebrate the insanity, than to delve into the inane booking that is iMPACT? Furthermore, it’s the holiday season, and with that, I’ve invited a particular TNA talent to express his sentiments for merry times and jovial festivities! AJ?
AJ Styles @G: “SHUT UP HOOKER!”
G @AJ Styles: “And a shut up hooker to you, as well!”
– Immortal/Fortune all come out to have an official weigh-in (now with 100% more Rob Terry). Ric Flair gets the microphone first, naturally. He points out there is a stranger amongst them, and he is trying out to be their body guard. Matt Morgan interrupts Eric Bischoff (who wasn’t saying much anyways), but Eric and ‘Naitch play it up a bit. Morgan then calls this all a sham, they know he’s going to win… Eric has brought two doctors to test out Anderson and Morgan to see if they are good to go. MICK FOLEY IS HERE!
– Foley notes he has not been on iMPACT since October 7, 2010 versus Ric Flair. A great bout it was indeed!! I voted it one of the 5 matches of the year in the upcoming Brain Buster Awards (which should be available here in the near future).
– Anyways, Flair and Foley have a great back and forth, Foley starting mentioning HE TOO HAD A CONCUSSION! CONCUSSIONS FOR EVERYONE! Flair tells him he has fought for years through injuries… yelling, of course. Foley admits he’s been part of the problem. This was awesome:
Yeah, I think Foley could make a case for him contributed to excessive spots in wrestling…
– I still am not particularly sure what just happened here. But it brought out the best of the two wrestlers and Bischoff as well.
– Jeff Hardy, of all people, visits Matt Morgan and has an off-heel conversation showing him respect, and talking about being wrestlers and that they themselves should decide if they are going to put their bodies on the line. Surprisingly, Hardy comes across very natural here, and I will be the first to admit cut a convincing promo! 14 year old girls everywhere
that are actually watching this show swoon believing their Jeffy Bunny is coming back to the light side. Doubtful.
Charles Barkley @G: “Check out my Million Dollar Man impersonation!”
G @Charles Barkley: “Wouldn’t it have been more appropriate to have knocked a basketball out of a little kids’ hand on the final bounce? You know, because you are a former basketball player? Huh?”
– Fuck yeah, it’s the Jeffy Bunny Jarrett and his $100,000 challenge.
– Jarrett cuts an excellent rendition of the shtick, but is opening the thing up to the pro’s in the back (likely because marks were showing up to take him up on the challenge, legit). His opponent?
– Amazing Red versus Jeff Jarrett. It’s a shorty of a match, which is very molded as a MMA style of bout. Jarrett essentially dominates, and submits Red. Post match, they have a kayfabe a la MMA discussion where Jarrett tells Red to bring his little brother next week. The iMPACT zone loudly chants “ANGLE! ANGLE! etc.”. I am still on board with this Jarrett storyline. Tonight came off more awkward thought.
– Tara and Madison talk in their plastic paneled “dressing room” and one of them is a hooker according to AJ Styles. AJ isn’t in the segment, but we all know he is elsewhere possibly ordering a prostitute to be quiet. And which of the two women is the “hooker”? See, another mystery left a mystery. This segment obviously doesn’t keep my attention as I typed the contents of this paragraph instead…
G @Charles Barkley: “What did you think of that segment, Chuck?”
Charles Barkley @G: “It wasn’t just turrible… it was ^”
G @Charles Barkley: “I see… wait! What? “
-#1 contender’s match to face the TNA X Division Champion Jay Lethal: Kazarian vs. Robbie E. Max Buck vs. Jeremy Buck. Jay Lethal joins commentary… This is a fun match, with the Bucks demonstrating some fantastic looking team-based spots. Kaz hits a sick reverse piledriver on one of the Bucks! Picks up the win. Worth the watch… Kaz puts Lethal on notice, but Lethal keeps his announcer headset on as he responds. Weird.
– During the break, Sarita chokes out Velvet Sky backstage with a belt, then beats her down, until Velvet turns things around and they have the seemingly compulsory “Knockout Backstage Brawl” bit… what is this? Like the 8th week in a row or so? Speaking of compulsory, this one’s for the PatMan of Wonderpod!
Working all aspects of the business. Excellent.
– Eric Bischoff talks to the two heel factions in his office, about the lawsuit deal with Dixie Carter, and the significance of holding the championships as leverage. I don’t think lawyers care about pro wrestling titles. But, an owner might if it were not for kayfabe. Brain hurts…. attempted to think critically again… oww….
– Everyone’s favorite marijuana advocate
RVD Jeff Hardy Brian Kendrick who cuts some more Jedi Knight stuff. Odd bit, he buys a cookie from a lady who seems like she is patronizing him, literally pushing him out the door. What?
– The Finals of the TNA Knockouts Tag Team Title Tournament: The Beautiful People versus Madison Rayne and Tara. Angelina Love comes out solo to start, a result of the backstage good times with Sarita. Madison (possible Hooker) Rayne heeltastically tells us she can count to two, noting Angelina is on her own! HAHAHHA! She is also still wearing ineffectual chainmail once again! And fellow potential prostitute, Tara, almost looks the part of Xena: Warrior Princess. Fuck, I have to pause and rewind as I get distracted by things of a Dungeons & Dragons nature.
– Angelina sells the heroic beaten down versus the numbers game here. Things get funky, as Winter comes out to help Angelina Love, and as a result helps Angelina win! Then the announcer states the new tag champs are Angelina Love and…. WINTER! Even Taz’s brain hurts on commentary here! HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT WORK? DOES THAT MEAN THAT I COULD HAVE JUMPED THE RAIL, ATTACKED THE HEELS AND BECAME CHAMP TOO? CAPS LOCK, PEOPLE. CAPS LOCK…
– Angry Christmas moments…. RAR!
Chevy Chase saying… ummm… I’m sure he must be saying “Merry Christmas!”
– Comedy bit with the Pope who is having his private phone call’s privacy infringed upon by a camera clearly peeking through an ajar door. Pope’s person on the phone discuss raising money for kids (apparently… what a potential for an evil heel swerve, though). Eric Young, with his title from the trash, shows up dressed as Rudolph and Orlando Jordan in a Santa costume reminiscent of the Hooter’s Girl uniform from last week. They donate money to the unnamed cause. Pretty funny shit!
– TNA Television Championship Ironman match: Douglas Williams versus AJ Styles. 15 minute time limit. That always makes me laugh… then cry. Why? This match could be awesome, as we’ve seen the two put on clinics lately. But the time limit almost always means a death warrant for a match on iMPACT. It’s a fucking Ironman match, so it better not end on interference.
– I am surprisingly impressed that this match delivers up until a commercial break… of course, even though it’s taped, we’re shown action we missed during the break. AJ hit a nice looking Styles Clash into a roll up pin attempt. Fall one missed because of unnecessary commercial-cuts. Obviously… AJ teases the countout spots as the referee yells at him. AJ awesomely calls the man a hooker (well, no. He did not), but he does point out that he is winning! Loved this.
– The grapplers tease a number of near-submissions and AJ continues to heelishly walk around and kill time. PYSCHOLOGY FTW! After a bunch of brawling, and power moves, we hit the final minute of the Ironman match…DOUGLAS WILLIAMS sneak attacks AJ with a double somersault rolling pin, tying the match! They set up a pin on AJ at the final 3 seconds, but the referee is forced to call it off as AJ’s foot was under the rope! The match ends as Earl Hebner gets word that we’re going into five minute overtime! THANK YOU TNA! I DON’T CARE WHY, AND WILL TAKE THIS AS A CHRISTMAS PRESENT.
The following yelling via capslock was brought to you by Al Creed and the good people at TCR Land.
– Another tired, and well-sold five minutes ensues, landing with a reverse suplex from the top ropes on AJ courtesy of Douglas Williams. The clock runs out right after the spot… more OT? More thoughts about hockey because I’m Canadian?
Up close and personal, like the Reaction segments…
– Post match (again, I know), AJ says, “…these people want a winner, what do you say?” Williams says no. You had your rematch, and no deal. You got OT, and still couldn’t get it done. AJ questions Williams’ ability to be a fighting champion, and Williams says he can get his rematch at Genesis if he puts something on the line… his membership with Fortune. Bischoff comes down and more or less agrees with Williams. Whether AJ likes it or not, this match is set with the stips above.
Matt Cooke is considered a cheap shot artist. CONCUSSIONS FOR EVERYONE!
– Ken Anderson joins Taz and Tenay via satellite discussing his medical condition. So, he wouldn’t have made the Eric Bischoff medical test thing at the beginning of the show afterall. WTF? Anderson, shirks the questions about his condition. He’s rather confrontational, and angrily ends the interview not answering whether he is willing to bring medical paperwork to prove his condition.
– TNA World Tag Team Championship match: The MCMG’s and Matt Morgan and Rob Van Dam vs. Beer Money, Jeff Hardy and Abyss. What a silly stipulation. How does this work? RVD says he doesn’t care how this works, let’s do it! Brain is now turned off! YAY!
– I lied. It’s explained that if “Team Beer Money!” wins, Storm and Rude get the tag titles. Now I realize this connects to the Eric speech on titles meaning leverage (even though that made little sense). The heels are introduced as “Immortal.” I thought they were “Team Beer Money!” AND, if the people set to benefit from the win here are introduced as a faction, they are technically part of “Fortune”… NOT “Immortal.” Details matter TNA, that was stupid.
Sometimes I just want to do this when I watch this show.
– After a bunch of entrance bits and a commercial break, we get down to business. Of course, the match is currently underway…. I don’t expect much here, even with titles on the line. I’ll give Morgan some credit, at least in the opening minutes. He hits some nice spots for a hoss big man, but this is shortly forgotten about as the MCMG’s steal the show with Beer Money whenever either team has a representative in the ring. Both Drow, and myself, want more of this tandem for Christmas.
– We get a bunch of Clusterfuckery from the heels, as the seconds of the official broadcast tick away… Alex Shelley plays the face-in-distress throughout. The old isolation story is played out (and Shelley works hard to sell it).
– The TNA logo comes up, and I’m out.
– Theoretically. Stupid overrun time on a pretaped show from almost a month ago. Shelley FINALLY turns things around
– Reaction starts introducing the match in progress as if we didn’t know what was going on. WHO THE FUCK WATCHES REACTION THAT DOESN’T WATCH iMPACT? STUPID. MIKE TENAY… YOU WIN A CAPSLOCK TOOL AWARD. More clusterfuckery, until we start up the “everyone hits a finisher” segment… Sabin lands a top rope vaulted DDT spot for the win, and retains the tag titles for the MCMG’s. Damn fine match though, all smarkiness aside. Not a MOTY, but who cares? It’s fucking iMPACT.
In all seriousness, enjoy the holidays and whatever you celebrate. Or the lack there of, and in such case, just enjoy a day off! Later Smarks!
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