Well since this week is Bound For Glory and Cock Talk will mostly be a TNA themed program, I figured I dig up from the vault this little gem from the past where Joe, Sabuisgod, and myself helped out friend and original member of The Triumvirate of TN-Awesomeness Fritz Stephey with his Impact real time coverage. This was in April 2009 and while I had done a few articles and show reviews, this was my first time doing any type of real time coverage so I was quite nervous so some of what I typed probably didn’t make much sense. So without further ado, here it is:

Hello and Welcome Readers to a SPECIAL EDITION of The TNA: iMPACT! Real-Time Coverage. Tonight, I will merely be moderating the report, occasionally throwing in lines of commentary…the real coverage, is being handled by fellow readers! This is the idea I mentioned earlier, for the TNA PPV Coverage. Tonight, you’ll get a taste of how that will roll.

The Participants? None other than the greatest Trio in Wrestling Forum history EVER, and our well-respected collegues. Tonight, WWIs own JT, ThinkSoJoE, Drowgoddess and SABUISGOD, will be bringing you coverage! And with that, let’s kick this show off!

-JT-
Hey everybody, JT here with the 1st half hour of iMPACT on Spike TV. Thanks Fritz for allowing me the opportunity to do this, even though this is my first time doing real time. So, let’s get ready to Cross The Line!!!!!!!!!!

Last week Samoa Joe won a date kidnapped Sharmell. What happened, did he force her to see 12 Rounds, make her watch HHH-Orton form Wrestlemania 25 in slo-mo, or just watch a “Best Of Eric Young” DVD? ( Fritz Note: I must’ve been high or something…Joe kidnapped Sharmell? Kinky…well, what do you expect from a show with the initials TNA? )

Also, Kurt Angle argued with Jeff Jarett, and Sting argued with Foley too I think. There was some wrestling too but I didn’t really pay attention. (Fritz note: Can’t blame you…)

Alright, TIME TO CROSS THE LINE PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tonight may shock you people, it’s not for the faint of heart, flesh will be torn, blood will be shed. Tonight, Who’s calling the shots?????

Hey TNA’s theme has Cross The Line in it.

Here comes the Main Event Mafia, it’s been awhile since we’ve seen them. [/sarcasm] Angle looks mad. Sting wants answers. Cue Jeff Jarrett to a big pop. Sting wants’ to know what he had to wrestle Joe last week and wants to know who’s running things. More talking, Jeff mentioned he’s knee deep in BS (Fritz note: Comes standard with the territory…) and said that he’s running the shots. Sting thinks that Foley needs a warmup match and it shouldn’t be a problem if Jeff’s running things. Jarrett said “Respect my authority” or something. Sting mentions hes been wrestling like forever and he should be in control becaude he’s the champ. Then Steiner inerrupts and mumbles something. The MCMG comes out (for our Drowgoddess on her birthday) (Fritz note: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DROW!!!). Don West screams. The MCMG play videogames instead of wrestling, I want to do that. The MCMG want Foley because of the Turkey Bowl last year where Alex Shelly was made to wear a Turkey suit. Jeff grants it and we have Mick Foley vs the MCMG in a handicap match.

To the back, JB is shocked. Foley says “That’s The Way I Like It.” (Fritz note: Not to mention the Leopard sport coat that Foley was sporting…) And then rambles on. JB wants to know how to tweak a match. I do too.

Commercial break- Buy the new Jeff Jarrett DVD or Kurt Angle will find you & kill you.

Back- TNA had some usless fact that I missed.

Look more talking, now between Foley and Jarrett. Foley is acting more insane than before the break.

Match- Sheik Abdoul Bashir vs. Suicide- Bashir came out with his posse, whomever they are (I shoud pay more attention to these shows). There were “Fallen Angel” chants. I like how Tenay and West are talking about the MEM and not the match they’re watching. West starts his heel talking. Bashir wins with a DDT on the X-Division belt. Pretty good match. Lights go out and a KO’d Suicide disappears.

Promo for NEXT SUNDAY’S PPV. I don’t want to hear from anyone that they didn’t know next Thursday. (Fritz Note: FINE! There’s a PPV NEXT SUNDAY!?!?!?)

We then cut to the Beautiful People walking in the back. Where, who knows? All I know is that the had a pair of scissors.

Commrcial break.

And that’s a good time for me to exit, thanks again Fritz!

-ThinkSoJoE-
Welcome to quarter two of Triumvirate Takeover night here on World Wrestling Insanity! JT, myself, Drowgoddess, and SABUISGOD are here to bring a little bit of the craziness that is Thursday night on the Insanity Forums (and perhaps shill BoredWrestlingFan.com and VinceRussoWatchesHisBeardGrow.com while we’re at it!) (Fritz note: I’m all for shilling!).

Before the break, we saw The Beautiful People wandering around the halls with scizzors. Surprisingly, the dumb blondes that they are, they weren’t running with them.

From the USS Cole, Jesse Neil is hanging out with Lauren and Rhino. Why, I have no idea. Rhino tells the guy’s story for him, pretty much. The guy talked about how another guy he met taught him the ropes and they had pro wrestling in common. One day, they got attacked by terrorists. He got injured, but he wanted to stay and help his shipmates. He later found out that he lost his best friend. That day, part of him died inside too. (Fritz Note: I just kinda did too…because this sounds like a pretty horribly written story by TNA Creative) He misses his friend, and that’s why he’s backstage at a TNA show. Rhino says it’ll be his honor to train him to wrestle. Neil shakes Rhino’s hand, and Lauren tells us they’ll keep us updated on his progress.

The Beautiful People are taking on Kong and Saeed, Booker T faces Samoa Joe, and Mick Foley takes on the Motor City Machine Guns later on tonight.

TNA is coming to a bunch of cities. Good for them. LockDown is April 19th, and Jenna Morasca will be at the fan thingy beforehand.

Backstage, the Beautiful People are beating down Raisha Saeed, and they cut her hair.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK> (Meanwhile, Fritz’s Flyers lost to the New York Rangers and killed off the playoff hopes of my Sabres. Oh well, more time to work for BoredWrestlingFan.com after Saturday’s season closer)

So, for the benefit of those with short attention spaaaaaaaans: The Beautiful People cut the hair of Raisha Saeed.

ROUGH CUT: Team 3D started a wrestling school. Any chance of me, I don’t know, getting a wrestling segment during my 30 minutes of World Wrestling Insanity fame?

Earlier today, Mike Tenay sat down with Sting. He thinks it’s obvious that Sting is just as surprised as everybody else at Mick Foley’s actions. Sting admits that he was. It’s a 20 year friendship, a 20 year history between them. If you had to put logic to something Mick Foley does, he’s not a dummy. Mick will start at the very top, hence why he bashed in the head of the World Heavyweight Champion. Tenay asks what Sting thinks is going through the mind of Mick Foley. Sting says he’d better be able to tell you what Kurt Angle would do in situations than Mick Foley. Tenay wants to know if Sting is thinking about retiring. Sting says if he gets a knee injury now, there’s no comeback. He’s reminded of 1994 in Germany, when he saw Cactus Jack wrestle against Vader and get his ear ripped off. He really tells a long story about it. I mean, come on. We’ve only got two hours, Sting. He thinks Foley will be in his element at Lockdown, and he knows it could be his last match.

Back in the arena, Mike Tenay tells Don West that he thinks Sting should be concerned. West agrees, but says that Sting is a survivor.

Do I get a wrestling segment? Doesn’t look like it – Mick Foley speaks – NEXT!

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

Earlier today, Lauren confronted Abyss about his abuse by Dr. Stevie. She yells at him, telling him that everybody saw Dr. Stevie attacked him. She threatens to report him to the Department of Health. Abyss talks her out of it. She says she’s going with him to the next session.

BANG BANG!

Mick Foley is heading to the ring. For the record, I’ve been doing this review for 20 minutes, and this is the first segment that has involved the six-sided ring in any way, shape, or form. The rough cut segment had a four sided ring in it at some point.

Foley says “to tweak, or not to tweak, that is the question.” Why would he tweak a match like himself against the Motor City Machine Guns? He decided to tweak because of what’s in his notebook, which apparently is his next book called “Crossing The Line.” He says that he thought his son looks ridiculous with his haircut. Then he got a birthday card on his refridgerator. It was a happy birthday card with a picture drawin in it of the MCMG. Dewey wants to look like Alex Shelley. Guess what, so does Huey. So, in light of these facts, tonight’s match is a first blood match, with Sting as the special guest enforcer. He’d like Jeff Jarrett to be there to do whatever founders do at ringside. He tries to keep his home a Machine Gun free environment. When he’s done tonight, no child will ever want to look like Alex Shelley again, because Foley is going to carve him up like a Thanksgiving turkey.

TO THE BACK: JB asks Booker T the whereabouts of Sharmell. Booker says that normally, he’s laughing and joking around, but this is serious business. He’s an entertainer, but what happened last week had nothing to do with entertainment. sharmell hasn’t been the same since. Can’t get a word out of her. Tonight, Booker’s got Joe, and he wants Joe to know that what’s going to happen tonight will be all up to his imagination. Kurt Angle says he’s the leader of his team at Lethal Lockdown, this has nothing to do with that. He’s coming to the ring with Book, and if Joe wants to unleash the Nation of Violence, he can unleash it on Kurt.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

That’s it for me, kiddies! Total time of wrestling during my segment of this review: 0 minutes and 0 second. That’s 30 MINUTES of NO WRESTLING on a program whose old slogan was “WE ARE WRESTLING.” Drowgoddess has been reviewing iMPACT for BoredWrestlingFan.com for so long that I’d forgotten how horrible it actually is to try and write about this crapfest. I don’t know how I even watch this show, let alone how Fritz and Drow can review it every week. Speaking of Drowgoddess, she’s up next!

-Drowgoddess unfortunately has been expeirence on/off technical difficulties, so I was ready with back-up just in case.-
We’re back! During the break, AJ met up with Samoa Joe to tell him he’d back him up…Joe tells him his nation is of one.
Samoa Joe is taking on Booker T…AJ took Kurt Angle out of the equation and Joe picks up the win after a sidewalk slam. Very quick match…
We get a video package of ODB and her Date winner. I sure hope they used protection…the sad thing is, if not…I’m thinking the date-rape kit needed to be used on HIM. They met Woody Woodpecker and played with balls…I’m not making this shit up…
Rought Cut: Team 3D talked about what makes Tag Teams Great and discuss some Great Tag Teams. Up next, Steiner/Storm!!!
During the break, Nash ran into Survivors Jenna Moresca (sp?) All we saw was a clip of them looking at each other…okie dokie
Backstage, The MCMG are with Lauren. They mention video games again, and they offer up their IWGP Titles for Foley to take…they’re confident they’re walkin’ out winners in tonights first blood match.
Up next, Steiner vs. Storm! In a decent match, Nash low-blows Storm! Team 3D, who were at the announce table, Rush in to save Beer Money INC. They do the exact same thing as last week…pay respect.

-SABUISGOD-
Last half hour after the break….and welcome to my world! Got all my commercial swag- My “h
old it to the light” prayer cross, my snuggie put-on-yer-robe-backward blankie, my shamwows and my slapchop….BOOYAH!

JB shills the text “insider dirt” and then we go to the Beautiful People. Apparently Angelina Love has PMS. She wants to be the #1 contender, dammit! (What happened to #1 SoJo, I wonder?)Kong’s ugly, Taylor Wilde is ugly, Daffney is ugly, and earlier tonight, Raeesha Saeed got ugly. So lets see it again. MEH

Then back to the front so dumb and dumber can shill the PPV.

And out comes Kong-ALONE. Apparently getting your hair cut off is too traumatic- even if you wear a mask. Next out is her opponents- Maddy Raine and Velvet Thighs…I mean Skye.

Dammit, but Greg Helms is a lucky SOB!

Belltime, and its punch and kicks a-plenty on Big Kong Vader. Try a clothesline/miss a clothesline grab an armbar and down goes Vader.The beauties lay in some kicks, but two blonde bims arent enough to do much but piss off Big Kong. Tornado DDt attempt by Sugarpants Skye is blocked, but when Big Ugly turns around after a chokeslam attempt- SURPRIZE! Missile dropkick by Maddy Momma.
This pisses Kong off and she lays out both of the strip club rejects. KongBomb attempt on VelvetThighs meets a chopblock and Kong flat on her back in a position I’d wager 99% of all males would want to be in- Velvet is sitting on her face. Appparently Kong is no man. She shrugs Sugarpants off and rolls her up for the three.

Wanna guess what happened next? If you guessed “Velvet and Madison ripped off their clothes and started making out mid-ring” you’d be wrong. PMS Skank joined Skinny Skank and Clumsy Skank for a 10 second beatdown of KongVader before the scissors come out. Bald Kong? SAY IT AINT SO!

It aint. Taylor Wilde(no relation to Oscar Wilde I’d wager) scares all three off with a mean look.

Next we see Foley and Barbie headed to the ring. But first we gotta squeeze some more commercials in. God knows theres been too much excitement in Orlando tonight.

As we return, Jeremy B is shilling his metrosexual ass off. Joined by Double J, JB wants to know Whazzup with the behind the doors BS with Big Poppa Pump? The King of these here Mountains tells metro boy its NUNYA BIDNESS, SON! But theres a former TNA Champ coming to town…..and next week he’s in a lethal advantage decider(but apparently not the match….WHAAA?) against Big Ol’ Sexy His Bad Self, Kevin Nash. Assuming Kev can actually make it to the ring without tearing a quad, getting a staph infection, having a heart attack, or shattering a hip.

Back out front, and we gotta have a grand entrance by the “Enforcer” in a gay looking purple Sgt. Pepper Jacket. What the hell is he gonna enforce? Bad taste in attire?
Next comes The Motor City Machine Guns- and somewhere in Texas, Drow comes also(HAH!) I just figured out the point to your hand thing. The creases in your hand form an “M”. Wow. Only took almost a year to catch that one.

Next out is Foley with Barbie the Bat. THis causes Mike Tenay to utter the most douchebag of all douchebag comments.
“This must be Mick Foleys tribute to the first week of major league baseball. Or its a weapon.”
We got 9 minutes for this. WOW.
Match starts with Foley and Shelley. In the words of Dusty Rhodes “They is a-clubberin each others!” Shelley and Foley go to the outside, and Sabin hits a WICKED dropkick off the apron, and Mick’s skull does its imitation of a Spalding basketball. The Guns go into the ring and hit a double suicide dive on Foley. His head hits the rail, and a few more braincells say “sayonara, Foley-san”.

How do you top that? By going to a commercial, thats how. 53 minutes into hour two, and we got 3 minutes of commercials to shoehorn in. By the time we get back, its gonna be take it home time, boys!

We return to Sabin and Mick doing the clubberin this time. Foley misses a shoulderblock into the corner on Sabin, and this sets up an Air Shelley flying forearm on the hardcore legend.Sabin goes up top for the missile dropkick, and then its raining enziguris on Dude Love!

How do you kill the momentum? Sabin does a mocking Stinger pose, and the enforcer is getting steamed and ready to do some enforcing! Scorpion Deathdrop on Sabin, and in the ring-I guess Mick and Shelley are going tooth and nail. I dont know, because all the cameras were on Sting.Mick floors Alex, and points to his groin……And out comes the creative genius of TNA, C.B.DeSocko! Mankind sinks in the mandible claw and chunks A-Shel to the outside. Thats when the ref notices either Socko just started his period, Foley has a hangnail, or Alex has periodontal disease, and calls for the bell.

But the party isn’t over, no siree! Mick goes out and its Barbie time. After a rediculously long pontification by Mick, he gets back in the ring with thoughts of mayhem ricochetting thru his cerebellum. Just as Barbie and Shelley are about to make acquaintances, Stinger waffles Mick with a chair, and Mick comes up bloody. Then the ref signals for the bell again. Who won- Whoi knows and who cares- STING is out here! Don’t bring logic into this!

Mick and Steve start scrapping. If they were on a Pier somewhere numbered six, I’d call it a pier Six brawl. But they aren’t, so I wont. Security comes out to show just how volatile the sitch is…..and we fade to black!

WOW! Hope you enjoyed my portion of this momentous night. Happy Birthday Drow, and G’night Mrs. Callabash- where ever ya are!

– See more at: http://www.wewantinsanity.com/am2/publish/Impact/impact4909.shtml#sthash.hYGWv8v2.dpuf

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