Impact Wrestling 05/09/13By Noyce · · Leave a Comment
The show starts with the usual “previously on Impact” segment. I’d tell you what happened last week but I already told you last week.
The show starts properly with guys from the BFG series cutting promos about the gauntlet match. Even the guys who have no chance of getting in the top four with the 20 points. They imply instead of getting in the top four they will just ruin someone else’s chances. At least TNA remembered these guys have no shot, and now they have motivation to be in the match.
Aces and Eights come out to the ring. Bully says that the Aces and Eights are still in control and that without his brothers he’d be nothing. He says they bang together, then repeated this with his arms around Brooke…I’m not liking the implications that they gang bang Brooke. That’s not PG. Bully gives every member of the Aces and Eights a hug except Kenny and talks to Toto.
Bully calls Kenny the best Vice president ever and he loves Kenny more than he loved Devon and they hug it out. Bully sets up a lot of matches involving Aces and Eights and accepts Sting’s challenge. He even brings up the beating he gave him at Slammiversary. I’m glad someone remembers that match. It ends with Bully saying he’s going to stay outside the ring and watch Knux battle Sabin, which is next.
Chris Sabin vs Knux
This seems like quite a downfall for Sabin. Sabin held up pretty well and focused on the legs to keep the big man down. I don’t get why he wasn’t allowed to do this with Bully and come across as a legit competitor. Knux just dominates after this for some two counts. So much for Sabin looking good. Speaking of Sabin, he managed to mount a small comeback after Knux got his foot stuck in the rope. Bully gave Knux a hammer but Sabin is the one who uses it for the DQ loss. Sabin argues with the ref after blatantly hitting Knux in the head right in front of him. Is he really surprised he got disqualified?
There’s an Impact insta-fact, basically ripping off the “did you know?” segments. I’m not happy with how much I say fuck in these reviews but really it’s the only word to use for shit like this.
Backstage with Velvel and Sabin. Sabin says he didn’t bring the hammer into the ring. It doesn’t matter who brought the hammer in, what matters is who uses it. He said something has to change and he should still be the champion and Velvel said he doesn’t need the hammer and this segment is so damn stupid. Sabin said “This is crap!” and really, he’s right. Thankfully that’s when it ended.
Mickie James came out and she’s excited to be in Cleveland where the Rock and Roll Hall Of Fame is and said she’ll be there one day. I do think she’s more likely to be in there than in the WWE hall of fame. Mickie’s upset she didn’t get invited the VMA’s, or nominated, but she doesn’t need the VMA’s because she has the MJA’s. That’s right folks, she made herself a little trophy. Hopefully she won with “Number One With A Bullet”. The same bullet I wanted to put through my head. She says it’s hard to be a breakout star and the Knockouts champion of the century and a bunch of other stuff. ODB comes out and says the only thing Mickie needs to be worried about is her, ODB, taking that “Knocked Out” title. Mickie gets in a cheap shot and the beatdown starts. It doesn’t last long and ODB poses with the title. Mickie gets in ODB’s face and ODB rips Mickie’s top off and Mickie runs backstage while using the title to cover herself. Thing is, Mickie was wearing a tube top that covered her up way more than her wrestling attire and the world has seen her breasts. That was painful. For me, not Mickie.
JB is backstage with the two men who will be kicking off the Gauntlet match. Remember folks, in TNA a gauntlet match is a Battle Royal. He says they’re both mathematically eliminated from the tournament and asks them what they have to gain. Jay Bradley says even if they don’t have anything to gain they can still add something. Some organisation paid him off and tells Hernandez he’s willing to split the cash. I wonder who paid Bradley off. The Fed? Aces and Eights? The released talent?
Aces and Eights are backstage and Knux is eating a sammich. What fell in his beard is dessert. Beards are awesome. That is all.
12 Man Gauntlet Match for 20 BFG Points
Even though Christie Hemme called this an over the top rope battle royal I assure you it’s a gauntlet match. The match starts with a promo. Yep. Bradley says all he has to do to get his money is eliminate a certain someone and if Hernandez helps him, he’ll help Hernandez’s wallet. Hernandez responds with a beatdown. So, that’s a yes? Joseph Park is the third man out. Bradley beats down Park but Hernandez saves him. Kenny is out next and goes after Park. There’s a break and when we come back Park is in the ring and Joe is on his way down. Then AJ came in. AJ runs in to his heel music and eliminates Park and almost eliminates himself. It would be hilarious if he eliminated himself from the BFG series two weeks in a row.
Kazarian comes out next and goes after AJ. Joe uses an Enziguri kick to knock Kenny off the turnbuckle and eliminate him. Next out was Daniels who attacks everyone before focusing on AJ with Kaz. There was a dude in the crowd with a giant appletini sign which gets an Appletini chant which causes Daniels to shout “I don’t need your help!” I’m not sure if he was shouting at the crowd or the dude with the Appletini sign. Joe fights off a double team by EGO and tries to eliminate Daniels but Kaz saves him. EGO focus their double team efforts on Hernandez and eliminate him as Jeff Hardy makes his way to the ring. There’s another commercial break and we come back to Bobby Rooooooooooooooooooooooooode making his entrance. Roode goes after Hardy while Bradley goes after AJ and it ends in AJ eliminating him. So was Bradley asked to eliminate AJ? Who would want AJ eliminated? I expected it to be a member of the Main Event Mafia that Bradley went after. Austin Aries comes out next and takes out Daniels and Kaz and all three members of EGO go after him. Magnus is the last man out and he pretty much takes out everyone still standing. Joe gets eliminated by Roode and Kaz. Bobby throws Jeff Hardy out. Kaz is taken out by AJ. Magnus gets tossed out by Daniels and we’re left with the final four of AJ, Roode, Daniels and Aries.
AJ uses Roode to eliminate Aries and proves he has no intelligence. He eliminated Aries and left himself in the ring with two guys who were going to double team him. Thankfully shortly after that he eliminated Roode and it was down to AJ and Daniels. AJ is in face mode with springboard attacks and pele kicks and he knocks Daniels out with a clothesline. Sweet, AJ wins and I get what I want. Thanks Impact! It would have been nice to see more of AJ and Daniels though as they had a stip a while back that those two would never fight one on one again. The new final four is AJ, Magnus, Aries, and Roode. Take that Hardy!
Backstage Bully says he can’t even look Kenny in the face and asks Kenny what he’s done for the club lately and Kenny says he’s been busting his ass. He just put everything on the line for the club. Bully threatens to beat Kenny with a beer bottle, rip off his jacket, burn it and then piss on it. No, seriously. He tells Kenny to fall in line and not disappoint him ever again.
They show a replay of the end of the guantlet match and I saw a Claire Lynch sign that I didn’t see during the match itself. This of course leads to AJ cutting a promo backstage about how he was out of the tournament and now he’s at the top of the table and he’s going to win the BFG series and take everything Bully has.
There’s a replay of Hogan telling Bully he’ll be fighting Sting and I’m pretty sure they edited it. In this version Hogan said “Let me introduce you to your next opponent brother, the man they call Sting.” and I’m pretty sure last week he said “You’ll be defending the title this week against this man, the man they call Sting.” I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure it was edited.
Backstage Sting is with Rampage and says he can never wrestle for the title again. They’re really shoving it down our throats that this stip exists which is funny because last week WE shoved it down THEIR throats. We get this stip exists! We reminded you! Don’t tell us about it, tell Hogan. Sting says it doesn’t matter he can’t go after the title and thanks Bully for showing him he needs a family of killers. A family he has now. This might be the last chance he has with Bully and he knows he can do it because he has Rampage with him.
James Storm and Gunner vs Wes Brisco and Brodus Clay
Brisco and Brodus interrupt the entrance of the champs and the match starts. The teams fight outside for what was definitely more than a ten count and James Storm sprays beer on Brodus and the crowd. Is there anyone on this roster that doesn’t have some kind of addiction? Things finally move in the ring with a double team on Brodus and our legal men at the start are Brodus and Storm. Storm starts off strong but the Aces of Funk start double teaming him. Storm hits a Codebreaker which Tenay refers to as “The Double D’s” and tags Gunner in who lays waste to Brodus. Wes breaks up the pin and things descend into madness. The champs use a pretty sweet double team move where Gunner catapaulted Brodus into a DDT by Storm, so that was something. Brisco distracts the ref and Brodus hits Gunner with a chain for the pin.
There’s an in ring segment with JB and the final four of the BFG series, except AJ who gets his own entrance. He came out to the guantlet match using his heel music and now he’s coming out to his face music. He’s even took off his hoody of +4 moodiness and replaced it with a baseball cap of +10 babyface. JB asks him who he’s going to face and he chooses Aries. Aries promises the winner when AJ and Aries meet in the ring will be the fans. Roode gets the mic and says the reason EGO became a group was so he could get in the final four. Magnus may have beaten Roode early on in the series but he’s different now and he’s going to walk out of Bound For Glory with the championship. Magnus cuts a promo back and hits the crowd with a Cheap Pop. Roode may have a few friends but Magnus has family and he will go on to become Heavyweight champion for the first time in his career. A girl can dream.
Sting vs Bully Ray in a non-title match
Bully comes out with Kenny, Toto and Brooke and some dude in the crowd was holding up what looked like a dollar bill to Brooke, presumably hoping for a dance. Stay classy. JT Hogan is seen in the crowd holding a sign saying “Hulk, I am your brother.” It was actually a woman holding it up which means it wasn’t JT Hogan, but Mavenfan which means Mavenfan vs JT Hogan is now a Brother vs Brother match, brother. Bully reminds the audience that it’s a non-title match and about Slammiversay. I told ya, remind Hulk. Hulk gets a mention as Bully says screw you to Sting and Hogan and then Hogan comes out. With how much they’re mentioning this stip I wouldn’t be surprised if they overturn it. Hogan bans Toto from ringside and makes it a no DQ match. Sting starts things off pretty quickly and hits a chair shot before the break starts.
Bully is still being pounded with chair shots after the break. So not only did Sting hit him with chair shots all throughout the break but Kenny stood and watched it happen? No turn here folks. Bully goes to hit the ref with a chair but settles for breaking Sting’s back instead. Bully goes outside and Taz hands him a knife. Bully slices up the ring covering to expose the wooden ring under all the padding. I don’t think they should really have showed how padded the ring is, and maybe Bully should have gone after Sting with the knife. Sting locks in the Scorpion Death Lock and Aces and Eights come in for the save. except for Kenny who stays outside the ring. The Main Event Mafia come out there’s a huge brawl. The Mafia and Aces and Eights fight their way into the back and in the ring Sting misses a splash and Bully teases a Piledriver onto the boards but Sting counters. Sting goes for a Scorpion Death Drop but Bully holds onto the rope and Sting gets a head full of wood. Just like that time he dropped himself onto the chair. He should doing that move, it just keeps ending with him bashing his head on stuff.
Kenny pulls out a hammer and mocks Bully with it and throws it into the ring miles away from anybody. THIS is the side of Kenny I hate. Bully taps and Sting gets the win. Kenny grabs the title, a mic, and mocks Bully. The crowd cheers and I guess this counts as a face turn. Kenny reveals he’s facing Bully next week for the title and calls himself Bully’s worst nightmare and introduces himself to Bully. The crowd cheered and chanted Anderson so, yeah, the face turn has happened and I’m already sick of Kenny’s face character.
It was actually a pretty decent show as per usual. I seperate Impact from TNA and can enjoy the show. TNA is a huge mess backstage but outside of Hogan and the BFG series mess up it hasn’t really shown much on screen. There were some logic gaps and some stuff I wasn’t a major fan of, but I’d happily give this show a 6.5/10.
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