Impact Wrestling: 07/07/11By G · · 3 Comments
Back on Thursdays, is this G here. Yep, another week of craziness bookended by a long weekend up North and down South… which included all the drama of the NHL free agent frenzy. But you don’t care about holidays or hockey, no valued reader. You want to know what happened over in Orlando… and who Sting will emulate, tonight? Hell, I’ll even toss the Power Poll at the end for you!
It is the go-home show before this Sunday’s Destination X PPV.
I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s iMPACT reviews work.
– We start off the show with Bully Ray, Gunner, and Steiner in the ring, Bully immediately notes, “Talk is cheap” and calls out Mr. Anderson. Ray mocks Anderson, and tells him to shut his mouth and listen. Ray notes while they are pissed at him, they were quite happy with his terribly executed Mic Check on Sting last week. But they doubt he can beat Crazy Heath Farley and defend his title, so Ray tells him that they will have his back along with Immortal, as long as he does what they say. Steiner talks about screwing, I guess, but also that tonight he will HAVE to make a decision whether he is with them. GROAN… Gunner takes the mic… he is still sporting his scar on his forehead when he was cut open by the water of DOOM! The same water that took out R-Truth a little while ago. Lights shine in the rafters and we see Stinger all crazy like. The lights go out, and it’s Kurt Angle, whole clears the heels from the ring. Angle approaches Ken and tells him while he has to make a decision tonight, not to make it hard on himself.
– Quick bit with Beer Money! Redneck Jesus asks Roode if he is doing good in his healing… and Roode is facing Crimson in the Bound for Glory tournament. Hmm… BFG Tournament? BFG? That sounds awesome!
This would be a very short tournament though….
-* Crimson vs. Robert Roode. This gets a lot of time. Roode is great, and carries the hoss to a passable match. Roode loses though, with Crimson picking up the points and Roode remaining shut out alongside Samoa Joe and My Pope, Your Pope, THE Pope D’angelo Dinero.
I find it just awesome how facebook attempts to use localized advertising. They try to aim it right at you, and often use pictures that are clearly lifted from other sources. A funny coincidence when I saw this little gem…
– We see the back of Abyss flipping out and going through a dumpster. He can’t find his mask!?!? Why did he throw it out in the first place? It doesn’t matter as we cut to Brian Kendrick walking out of the dressing room with Abyss’ mask on.
– Kendrick is in the ring, and claims he will give the mask back and doesn’t want violence… Abyss comes out with a towel over his head. Kendrick goes into a really well crafted rant, with poetic rhyming, reference to faith and philosophy. This whole promo helps to push the Destination X. Kendrick wants to help Abyss remove his mask gradually, but his goal right now is to beat him on Sunday for the X-Division belt… refers to the mask as his security blanket and then returns it… Abyss redons his mask and ATTACKS! Kendrick is tossed around and booked weak! What the fuck is this noise? Is DG right? Are the rumors about Hogan and Bischoff want to kill the X Division by claiming that the PPV won’t draw? Don’t other
TNA PPV’s by this company lucky to get 8000 buys? If you have $35 or so, grab some buddies and prove them wrong… even though by the outcome here looks like there is no reason to see Kendrick as competition. Bullshit booking here.
These guys have been playing WAY too much Assassin’s Creed! Actually, no. You can never play too much of that series.
– * Jack Evans vs. Tony Nese vs. Jesse Sorensen. Fuck yes! Evans does some sick looking break-dancing after bouncing into the ring. If Kendrick’s promo was the highlight of the talky talky tonight, this is clearly the flippy floppy spectacular of the same night. It’s interesting how they put the colours of the competitor’s garb beneath their name at the start, but Taz fucks it up right away calling Purple, Fuchsia. Whatever. See, this entertained the hell out of me. This is what this smark likes in his wrestling. After a ton of spots, and near falls, Evans lands a nice looking 360 splash to pick up the win. All three of these guys should get contracts.
Huh… a guess from their point view he’s a cold blooded murdering bastard. But will be found innocent in a US court of law though. That’s how these things work.
– We get a bit with British Invasion v.2 (featuring Magnus, Williams and Terry), talking about the importance of getting the tag titles back from LAX. They’re not called that? Whatever. The cool thing here was during the conversation we see clips of Not-Chavo and his ilk attacking the Wankers. They issue an open challenge to any team at Destination X. Then a bunch of clips rip by announcing an Ultimate X match for the number one contender between Shannon Moore, Robbie E, Amazing Red, and Alex Shelley. Then we get Velvet Sky telling us tonight’s match, getting bullied etc. Her shirt says “Rock out wit cha Knockout.” Spelling for the win. Yes, I was looking at her tits… sorry ’bout that, right PatMan?
So, does anyone else think TNA rebranding the name is a terrible attempt to avoid paying out Daffs?
– Sting is lying a top some lockers backstage singing “Eye of the Tiger.” Enter Angle, and Heath Farley remains in his over the top in his insanity. Angle is unsure if he can trust Captain Crazy. He assures Angle he’s good… but then as Kurt leaves Sting talks to himself, absorbing more Heath Ledger, Jim Carrey and Chris Farley, and I think Jack Nicholson might be in the gelatinous cube as well now. And you know what they say about Jell-O, right? There’s always room for more. Next week, it’s got to be Bill Cosby.
Bill Cosby @G: “I think I’ll pass on the slow death that comes with suffocation, thank you.”
G @Bill Cosby: “I liked Mushmouth. He liked hard drugs. It was a win win with that character. What happened Bill?”
– * Handicap Match: Velvet Sky vs. ODB and Jackie. If Velvet wins, ODB and Jackie are (storyline) gone forever! Straight to hell! Do not pass go, etc.! This match is kind of bleh. After a bit of face power by Velvet, the numbers game takes over for a while… ODB goes to hit Sky with a chair, but cold cocks Jackie… this leads to a DDT on ODB and Velvet takes the two off television.
– Devon and the Pope confront backstage. Pope offers Devon a pair of shades. Devon is threatening-like. It’s all because of this weird untelevised program they have with Devon’s wife and kids, and so forth. I have no idea why or what this is all about. Pope mentions something about teaming… ok.
Yeah, the bird part got my attention first. Then I realized the Tiger has no tail. No seriously, that’s cruel. How is it supposed to bounce around with his friend Roo without a tail? That poor creature. The Kangaroo, I mean.
-* Jerry Lyn vs. AJ Styles vs. Christopher Daniels vs. RVD (Four Corner’s Match). Just prior this match, we are shown a video package with Daniels and Styles and this weekend’s match. Other than this match, the brief British Invasion bit, and Kendrick’s destruction, we’ve seen little to promote the PPV. And we’re at the 75 minute mark. Are they aiming at 10% of the show to sell the event, Bischoff? Hmm…
– After lengthy entrances, Styles and Lynn start us off. The two work well together for a bit, trading holds, then do the face hand shake of respect and Lynn wants RVD. Styles tags him in. Four faces in the match, folks.
This is what happens when four faces square off. BTW, the answer as to who wins? Harrison.
– Things pick up, after a bunch of nice-guy stuff, Lynn reverse piledrives Daniels, and then Christopher eats a 5* frogsplash allowing RVD to pick up the win. It’s certainly not a horrible match, it was worth watching. I was excited about it, but then really saw the biggest flaw being the story couldn’t progress without turning someone heel. With that being said, there would be no logical reason to turn any of them here without having some kind of future storyline in place for that heel turn. Weird. So is Russo swerving us, by NOT swerving us? Too subtle. It must just be TNA fucking shit up again.
– Eric Young has an RV he calls his portable dressing room. He plans on driving it to Hollywood to take on TV stars. I did laugh at this. Part of me likes this, and another part of me would rather see him attack Wayne Arnold in the parking lot every week for no reason, shouting, “What’s the Frequency Kenneth?” the entire time.
-* James Storm/Matt Morgan vs The Pope/Devon Dudley in a what-the-fuck-is-this-comma-you-have-a-PPV-to sell-on-Sunday match. Seriously? WHY? Morgan seems reluctant to tag James Storm… and the Redneck Jesus is dismantled further by the Pope. Then tags occur and Morgan and Devon square off. We get a decent match, until it looks like Morgan “tweaked” his knee (and while he rolls into the ring to prevent a pin fall later, never actually stands up again). Pope lands a belt shot on Storm allowing Devon to get a pin. Wait… What? Whose belt is that?
– We get another video of Jeff Jarrett in Mexico with Karen Jarrett-Hogan. I guess we will see them next week to celebrate Jeff taking over Mexico. Then Hogan appears to punching crazy Sting backstage.
Charles Barkley @G: “What are you up to G-Man? I just playing the best video game ever, Shut Up and Jam!”
G @Charles Barkley: “Watching Impact… your game was certainly better than Shaq-Fu.”
– * Handicap Match: Sting and Kurt Angle vs. Bully Ray, Abyss, Scott Steiner, and Gunner. Sting is laid out backstage via Hogan… so it’s a four on one. Great. Bully to start, tags Gunner who is manhandled because… well… he’s Gunner. So enter the Abyss, who gets an Angle Lock for his troubles. Quadruple team! The heels make some questionable tags and the like, as the beatdown of the Olympic Champion continues… Bully eventually calls for his chain necklace and shoos Brian Hebner away. Ken Anderson enters… Hebner is instantly back. Shouldn’t going at a referee be an instant DQ? Great officiating, as he allows Anderson to steal the chain, and run off the heels… and just when it looks like he’s anti Immortal, Anderson lays out Angle allowing for the heels to pin Kurt and win. They yell and stare at Anderson wondering WTF it this? Anderson jumps into the arms of Abyss and Hogan comes out clapping… Gunner and Abyss hold Anderson on their shoulders. Oh yeah, don’t forget there’s a PPV this Sunday Tenay tells us as…
The Impact Wrestling logo comes up, and I’m out.
Hi Colt Cabana!
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(I have absolutely no clue which week’s of shows are involved here, but I actually voted… so…)
1. John Cena (8)
2. CM Punk (1)
3. Randy Orton (4)
4. Alberto Del Rio (7)
5. Sheamus (NR)
6. Christian (9)
7. Mark Henry (2)
8. R-Truth (5)
9. Alex Riley (NR)
10. Zack Ryder (NR)
Fallen Out Of The Top 10:
Davey Richards, Rey Mysterio, Sin Cara
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