Unlike most Mondays, I wasn’t home for the first 30 minutes of RAW. The only thing I know about tonight’s episode is that The Wyatt Family were trending on Twitter before the show even started. That said, I feel like crap, haven’t been home in over 24 hours, and I’m hoping I don’t fall asleep in the tattoo chair tomorrow while getting inked. Fuck it, let’s go!
Stuff, stuff, stuff and stuff, history and stuff and stuff, people, people, someone’s name, history and sports. Big disaster, someone’s name, stuff and stuff and stuff and stuff, history, someone’s name, something I don’t know. Famous guy, movie star, don’t know who these people are, stuff and stuff and history, yelling really loud at me. Yes. That’s how many fucks I give right now. Also, I play by my own rules. Screw you, SmackDown review!
RAW kicks off with a brand new Wyatt Family vignette! Can’t wait for their debut tonight! They’re coming!
And we go from the Wyatt Family theme (“Broken Out In Love” by Mark Crozer, which has now apparently been renamed to “Live In Hell”) to the terrible Monday Night RAW theme song, which is still not nearly as bad as the Nickelback song they had for a while.
Brickie kicks things off. I like it so far. Vickie Guerrero says she’s climbed the ladder to success in the WWE, then climbs the ladder that’s in the ring. The fans chant “fall.” I’m chanting that myself. This summer stuff bites. She puts her tenure as Managing Supervisor over. She’s got that performance review dealie later on tonight. She’s interrupted by Jerry Lawler, who says “Excuse Me.” He tells her that the McMahons will use all factors in the job review, including the opinion of the WWE Universe. You can vote on the WWE App. Well, you could’ve if you watched the show. Says the guy who didn’t watch the show until now. Vickie tries to suck up to the fans. Then she says she’s booked a face to face between John Cena and Mark Henry, then Christian vs. Kane, Randy Orton vs. CM Punk, and Sheamus vs. Daniel Bryan. Which is now.
RVD Highlight: Winning Money In The Bank at WrestleMania 22. Which I could’ve bought for $5 earlier today on DVD.
<Commercial break. Yeah, I know there’s supposed to be a graphic here. I feel like crap. Look up your own damn meme.>
Daniel Bryan vs. Sheamus
Man. I really don’t feel well. Hopefully I’ll feel better by the morning. Screw it, FFW! Sheamus fights out of a Yes Lock attempt and locks in a Clover Leaf, which Bryan reverses into a rollup, and a pinfall victory. Cool finish. Not sure how the rest of the match was, but they gave it some time. Could’ve been good. I really don’t know for sure. After the match, they shake hands.
Apparently, WWE.com tried to find the Wyatt Family. We’re treated to shaky camerawork. Which is what I really need right now. They guy is told it’s a couple miles down the road. AJ tells Big E to protect her from Kaitlyn when Dolph Ziggler comes in. Ziggler sends E away, and complains that AJ hasn’t been out to the ring with him. She says she’ll do anything to make sure Ziggler and her walk out of Money In The Bank as Champions. She asks if he wants to go all the way. He says yeah, all the way to his third World Heavyweight Champion. Then they kiss. Intersting dynamic with Ziggler being face and AJ being heel.
Mark Heny highlight package airs.
Sierra. Hotel. India. Echo. Lima. Delta. SHIELD. My boys are on their way to the ring, or at least two of them are, the WWE Tag Team Champions Roman Reigns and Seth Rollins. But first…
RVD Highlight: RVD vs. Eddie Guerrero in a ladder match on the May 27th, 2002 episode of RAW. Not pictured: The idiot fan who tried to attack Eddie in the middle of the match.
Tons of Funk are the opposition for the WWE Tag Team Champions.
Tons of Funk vs. The Shield
FFW, even though I’m feeling better. Sweet T hits the Baldo Bomb, but Rollins kicks out at 2. Reigns gets the blind tag, Rollins takes out Brodus Clay, and Tensai eats a spear from Roman Reigns, giving The Shield the victory. They’ll defend the tag titles against the Usos on Money In the Bank Kickoff.
Up next, it’s a Mark Henry and John Cena face to face. Suddenly I feel ill again.
Wyatt Family search: Some run down apartment somewhere. Erick Rowan in the sheep mask is doing something or other, when Luke Harper tells the reporter to follow him.
Fuck man, follow up the Wyatt Family with John fucking Cena. Why? Fuck this segment. FFW! Cena calls out Henry for calling him out on Twitter earlier. Henry shows up. He tells Cena he should be afraid. Blah blah blah title validates career, blah blah blah. It’s a pretty ok promo segment between the two. Cena basically challenges Henry to start Money In The Bank now, and Henry says he doesn’t work for free. Then he says he’ll give Cena a sample. Henry makes Cena flinch, then runs him over with a clothesline. Cena goes for the AA but collapses under the weight of the World’s Strongest Man, who drops Cena with a World’s Strongest Slam.
Randall Keith Orton is watching (standing up) backstage. Josh Mathews asks him about facing CM Punk tonight. Orton doesn’t believe Punk is the Best in the World. Orton says if he wins MITB, he won’t hesitate to cash in on John Cena if Cena retains and winds up in a vulnerable position like he was just in.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK GOES HERE>
Miz is on commentary. Fuck. Jericho is out first for this match, which will likely be against Curtis Axel, since Miz is at ringside. We relive Ryback bailing on a match with Miz last week due to injury. Oh look, it’s Curtis Axel. Didn’t see that coming. Paul Heyman is wearing sunglasses. Let me guess, because Axel’s future is so bright? No, apparently he was injured on SmackDown by Alberto Del Rio. He got a black eye. He’s here to bask in the perfection of your Intercontinental Heavyweight Champion, Curtis Axel. Axel picks on Jericho’s light up jacket. All Axel needs is the shine of the Intercontinental Championship to let everybody know that Axel has arrived.
Chris Jericho vs. Curtis Axel (w/ Paul Heyman)
No. No Miz on commentary please. FFW! Axel gets into it with The Miz as Heyman instructs him to get back in the ring. He does, and eats a Codebreaker. Jericho picks up the victory. It’s Heyman’s first loss as a Paul Heyman Guy.
<COMMERCIAL GOES HERE>
RVD Highlight: RVD vs. Christian on 9/29/03 for the Intercontinental Championship in a ladder match.
Josh Mathews asks Rhodes Scholars if they are at all concerned that the SmackDown MITB match will effect their friendship. Sandow says if he doesn’t win, he’ll love to see his best friend win. Zeb Colter interrupts with Swagger and Cesaro. Wade Barrett interrupts Colter. Fandango interrupts everybody. They keep telling him not to say his name. He does anyway and Barrett floors him.
Wyatt Family search: Harper tells the reporter not to stray. Which he does. Harper sends him to the left, through a door. Bray Wyatt has been waiting for the guy.
Sin Cara vs. Alberto Del Rio
Oh, who the fuck cares? Ziggler’s music hits mid-match. He decides to introduce Del Rio the way he deserves to be introduced. He calls Del Rio a coward and says he has a small penis, basically. Del Rio comes out after Ziggler, and a brawl breaks out. Sin Cara flies and takes out Del Rio. Ziggler’s music hits, and apparently we’re done here.
Vickie’s job evaluation is next. Voting is still open. Well, it was when this aired. That was hours ago.
Ray Rice is in the crowd. Fuck you, Ray Rice. You’re only a Super Bowl Champion is because the referees handed it to you. Fucker.
The bosses are here, look busy. You know, I think this entire storyline is just a dig at WCW. Vickie has no idea who to go to as far as a boss and they all tell her different things. Stephanie McMahon thanks the fans for voting. She gives the floor to Vickie. What the fuck is Vickie going to do with a floor? Stephanie has her sit down while giving her speech. Vickie sucks up to the McMahons and the WWE Universe. Stephanie calls bullshit on Vickie bringing back RVD, The Rock, and The Undertaker but not mentioning Brock Lesnar. She asks if Vickie thought bringing back Brock Lesnar was a good idea. She admits to signing Brock and apologizes for Brock attacking Vince and Triple H. Vince says bringing Brock back was a stroke of genius. He calls Vickie highly entertaining. Triple H interrupts. He says he’ll admit that Vickie can occasionally be unintentionally entertaining, but she’s terrible at her job. He calls her out for screwing up the video game unveiling and getting booed out of the building every week. He says she has the most annoying voice in the history of broadcast television. Vince says she does have a unique voice, but he admires her. In fact, he thinks she should be named permanent General Manager. Triple H calls Vickie a spineless puppet. He proposes that Stephanie decides Vickie’s fate, since this was her idea in the first place. They argue over if this should be about business or entertainment. Stephanie says fuck it, we’re going to let the fans decide. Did she pass, or did she fail? The fans say…. She failed! 75% – 25%. Vickie is done. She shrieks about how this is not right. Stephanie says she’s got two words for her – You’re fired. Vickie throws a tantrum in the ring. The fans chant “Goodbye Vickie.” Mr. McMahon takes the mic. He asks if the people are happy. They’ve broken Vickie Guerrero’s heart. Vickie didn’t fail, each and every one of these fans just failed. They threw away what could’ve been the most entertaining GM of RAW of all time. Vince is going to make the decision for the fans. They need a new GM of RAW – and it’s Brad Maddox! Brad Maddox is the new General Manager of Monday Night RAW!
RVD Moment: RVD & Jeff Hardy team in a tag team TLC Match.
Vince McMahon is consoling Vickie, who says she loves her job. Vince says he’ll make it right. Brad Maddox comes in, he says he’s sorry about what happened. He says Mr. McMahon will not regret his decision to make Maddox the new GM. Vickie starts slapping the shit out of Maddox.
Kane is on his way to the ring. He’s facing Christian.
Kane vs. Christian
FFW because I still don’t feel all that great. Kane catches Christian with a chokeslam and picks up the victory.
The Wyatt Family vignette interrupts Kane’s celebration. Bray Wyatt is sitting in his rocking chair, he says he has no followers, only brothers and sisters in the name of cause. People are sheep, they need to be led. They worship war. Wyatt created war. Wyatt understands that this is not the beginning, it’s the end. He lights a lantern – “we’re here.”
In the arena, the lights are out, and Bray Wyatt enters with the lantern. Erick Rowan is with him, I can see the sheep mask. I’m sure Luke Harper is there too. Wyatt sits down and blows out the lantern. The lights come on, and Harper and Rowan attack Kane. They sit him up with his head resting on the steel steps, and ram the other half of the steps into him. Wyatt comes around to that side of the ring, drops to his knees, and looks to the sky, as the idiot fans chant “Husky Harris.”
Before the break: The most beautiful thing you’ll ever see in your life – The Wyatt Family have arrived.
Backstage, a dejected Vickie Guerrero has her stuff packed and is slowly walking out of the arena. She stops, and she sees Ryback, who sets her stuff aside and gives her a hug. He says she deserves better, it’s going to be ok. Da fuq?
Let’s ruin the great thing we just did by having The Bella Twins on commentary. It’s AJ Lee and Alicia Fox, with Big E Langston, taking on Kaitlyn and Layla. Hey, wasn’t that stupid Total Divas chick supposed to debut? Who gives a fuck anyway, right?
Kaitlyn & Layla vs. AJ Lee & Alicia Fox (w/ Big E Langston)
FFW. Kaitlyn spears AJ on the outside and starts wailing away at her. The referee pulls her off. Apparently, there was no finish to the match.
Josh Mathews asks Punk about his match with Orton. Basically he says he’s the best in the world, and Sunday when he wins Money In The Bank again, that makes him the best in the world.
Randy Orton vs. CM Punk
FFW because Orton is in this match. I’m feeling better, but that’s been on and off all night. Punk counters an RKO with a kick then drops Orton with a GTS for the victory.
Daniel Bryan attacks Punk after the match and tosses him shoulder first into the steel ringpost. Bryan grabs a ladder from underneath the ring, and he goes after Orton. He nails Orton with the ladder, and sets it up mid-ring. He climbs up and grabs the briefcase. RAW goes off the air with Bryan holding the briefcase high above the ladder.
Thoughts: It’s easy to get through RAW when you’re sick and FFW through everything, apparently. Kane tasted the wrath of the Wyatt Family. Could they take out the Big Red Monster and theoretically have Bray Wyatt take his place in the Money In The Bank all-stars match? I’d mark the fuck out for that. Do it! The end. Author Mark Noyce is scheduled to join us this Sunday on BWF Radio! 2PM Eastern on Ustream!
Like this post? Subscribe to our RSS Feed today and never miss another!