RYTMANS RAW RECAP – REAL TIME! (I HOPE)By RYTMAN · · Leave a Comment
From WWE.com – Triple H has thrown a WrestleMania challenge at the feet of Brock Lesnar, but will The Anomaly accept a rematch with The King of Kings at MetLife Stadium? Also, what awaits CM Punk now that his own bout with The Undertaker is set?
TONIGHT! I! ROBERT! RYTMAN! WILL! – Okay I’m sorry. Tonight I will attempt to bring you a real-time(ish) report on tonight’s Monday Night RAW. I got Triple H and Lesnar, I got Punk on Taker, and I got an upset stomach.
Here we go!
We’re opening with a tribute video to Paul Bearer, featuring a montage of his moments with Taker and a cavalcade of co-stars.
And here comes the Undertaker.
Side Note; I will be following WWE on Twitter to keep up with anything I miss, and most likely will be quoting directly from their Twitter feed.
Taker is in the ring with a small silver urn on a stand. He does the pose as William Moody’s memorial pic comes up on the tron AND C.M. PUNK JUST INTERUPTED IT!
Punk is out smiling in a gray hoodie, with a mike.
Punk is out here to pay his respects to the Undertaker, and apollogize to Taker… for his loss at Wrestlemania. The one silver lining in all this is, to Paul Bearer, the Taker will always be perfect, but next week won’t be any heart-felt tributes to Paul Bearer. Next week will be a tribute to Punk breaking the streak.
Next up, Big Show v.s. Rollins.
During the break, Kane – upset with Punk’s disrespectful interuption, attempted to choke-slam him off the stage. Punk escapes and Kane rampages backstage, taking out anyone in his way.
Big Show is in the ring, and we’re recaping Show taking a Shield-Bomb from last week.
Seth Rollins makes his way to the ring through the crowd, with the Shield in tow.
BIG SHOW VS SETH ROLLINS (W/THE SHIELD)
At first, Show tosses his enimes around like toys, but he’s overwhelmed by the numbers. The Shield attacks getting Show the DQ. Show fights back but the Shield leaves the Big Show lying in the ring after the triple-power bomb.
WINNER BY DQ: BIG SHOW
Backstage, C.M. Punk complains to Vicki (and Brad, her assistant,) demanding she “put a leash” on Kane’s little brother. Vicki responds by booking him in a No DQ match with Kane.
“May God have mercy on your soul.” – Vicki Gurero.
Daniel Bryan is out next for his match with Dolph Ziggler. We get a recap of last Friday when AJ Lee tried to give Bryan grief about losing the World Championship in 18 seconds.
“With Dolph Ziggler, you should be used to things lasting 18 seconds.” – Daniel Bryan
Back from break, we get a “Remembering Paul Bearer Segment,” featuring his first appearence on WWE tv, on the “Brother Love Show,” with the Undertaker. 02/16/1991
WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPION DANIEL BRYAN VS DOLPH ZIGGLER (W/AJ LEE & BIG E.)
As the match gets underway, Cole and Lawler at ringside, mention Bryan’s “Beard Battle” on Twitter w/
@joshreddick16. Bryan is in control as Lawler compares AJ to the Wicked Witch of The West from “The Wizard of Oz,” refrencing her taking a bucket of water to the face on Smackdown last Friday. Bryan has Ziggler on the floor but Big E. steps in front of a dive attempt by Bryan as we go to break…
We come back with Ziggler in control but not for long. Bryan is dominating Ziggler with his speed, agility, and kicks. Bryan tries a belly-to-back off the top rope, but Ziggler twists in mid-air and gets a two-count, landing on top of Bryan. Ziggler hits a hot-shot and the “fame-asser,” for two. Bryan gets in the no-lock but AJ distracts the Ref while Big E. pulls Ziggler into the ropes. Bryan has to break. After an exchange of missed shots and counter-holds, Ziggler gets the three-count with the Zig-Zag.
WINNER: DOLPH ZIGGLER
Rytman Remark: Nice to see AJ/Big E. finally figured out how the whole “distract the ref thing” works.
Ziggler gets a kiss from AJ and Big E. gets to batter Bryan with a Big E. beat-down.
We get a recap of the Triple H/Brock Lesnar feud going over everything leading up to Triple H’s challenge last week. Lesnar will be here tonight to answer the challenge.
WWE Slam Of The Week – Honky Tonk Man’s guitar shot on Heath Slater last week.
Brodus Clay and “Sweet T” (Tensai) are out with the Funkadactyls. Ring announcer Justin Roberts introduces Fandango, but he no-shows. Tensai grabs the mike and demands Fandango get out here.
A sexy ballroom dancer comes out, followed by AND I AM NOT DOING THE STUPID PRONOUNCIATION BIT Fandango. He calls Tensai an “abomination” and an embarrassment to everyone, even here in the Midwest, where we no nothing about the arts. He demands his name be spoken by the “sensual lips,” of Funkadactyl Naomi, saying she’s the only one with any rhythm, and she’s “better than this.” Tensai steps in and Fandango says thanks to him, we don’t get to see his debut.
Rytman Remark: So, we care about Naomi now?
Side Note: Was Naomi the one girl on the all-Diva edition of NXT that seemed to know what she was doing?
We get a trailer for the new G.I. Joe movie staring the Rock and go to break, with THE NEW AGE OUTLAWS going up against Team Rhodes Scholars after the break.
Remembering Paul Bearer – Wrestlemania XX – 2004, Paul Bearer leads Undertaker to the ring.
In the ring, we have Damien Sandow and Cody Rhodes doing a parody of the NAO’s entrance in Sandow’s own signature style,
“The folowing interpritation, is brought to you by taste and good form…” – Damien Sandow
“Derh-nuh-nuh-nuh…” – Cody Rhodes
“Oh, you were not aware of this?” – Damien Sandow
“Derh-nuh-nuh-nuh…” – Cody Rhodes
“Your posterior better contact someone at once!” – Damien Sandow
“Ladies and Getlemen, young people of all genders and ages, taste and decency proudly present to you, the re-united future tag team champions and best friends, the essence of mustachioed magnificence, the intellectual savior of the masses, TEAM RHODES SCHOLLARS!” – Cody Rhodes
“And if your not… down with that, we’ve got two words for you…” – Damien Sandow
“YOU’RE WELCOME!” – Team Rhodes Scholars
The NAO come out, plaining to show them how it’s done…
“Lord have mercy, this one’s for you Percy.” – Road Dogg Jessie James
“Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages, De-Generation – X, proudly presents to you, the five time WWE…TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS OF THE WORLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLD! THE ROAD DOGG JESSIE JAMES! THE BADASS BILLY GUN! THE NEW AGE OUTLAWS!” – Road Dogg Jessie James
“And if you’re not down with that, well we just got two words for ya!” – Badass Billy Gun
“SUCK IT!” – The New Age Outlaws and WWE universe.
TEAM RHODES SCHOLARS VS THE NEW AGE OUTLAWS
And just as I typed that – HERE COMES THE PAIN!
Brock Lesnar is out and F-5’s both NAO’s.
Heyman has the mike.
“Brock Lesnar doesn’t play games, he hurts people.” – Paul Heyman
Heyman runs down the list of people important to Triple H that Lesnar has hurt, including Shawn Michales, Vince McMahon, and now the NAO. Lesnar will face Triple H at Mania – IF he agrees to let Brock/Heyman name the stipulations AFTER he blindly signs the contract.
“And if you’re not down with that, I got two words for ya, BRRRRRROCK LESNAR!”
We’re reminded of Punk vs Kane later tonight as we go to break.
KOFI KINGSTON VS MARK HENRY
Almost a complete job by Kingston. Henry boots Kofi out of the ring with a kick. Kofi Komes back by side-steping Henry into the post and hits the Superman punch off the steel steps. Kofi gets HUGE AIR with a body-press attempt, but get caught in the World’s Strongest Slam for the three.
WINNER: MARK HENRY
Backstage – Cody is flirting with Divas Champ Kaitlyn, when Sandow interupts, followed by THE BELLA TWINS! Apparently they’re back and Sandow has a double date set-up with them for himself and Cody. Kaitlyn bails while a Bella grabs Cody’s ATTENTION (you pervs.) Vicki walks in and tells them the date has to wait. Since their scheduled match was scratched, they’re getting a new one, against Sheamus and Randy Orton.
“You’re welcome.” – Vicki Gurerro
Ryback hits the ring as we go to break.
Rytman Remark: Do I have to blow somebody to get Page on the main roster? And the Bellas? Nice to have boyfriends in good graces with HR.
RYBACK VS HEATH SLATER
Henry comes to ringside to glare as –
Rytman Remark: Seriously? Do you need anymore than that?
Drew McIntyre jumps Ryback and takes the Shell-shock as Henry storms the ring. McIntyre becomes the prop in a one-up contest as Henry/Ryback take turns bouncing him around. Henry leaves with no more than some words being exchanged.
Later tonight, Rhodes Scholars vs Orton/Sheamus, Punk vs Kane, and Alberto Del Rio vs Antonio Cesaro next!
We come back to a preview of “THE CALL,” a new WWE films release staring Halle Berry and WWE superstar David Otunga.
Cesaro is in the ring, and Ricardo is out to intro ADR.
WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION ALBERTO DEL RIO W/RICARDO VS. WWE U.S. CHAMPION ANTONIO CESARO
As Del Rio walks to the ring, we get a PIP promo from the World’s Champ.
“I was born in Mexico, but I was made in America.” – Alberto Del Rio
Cesaro is on the defensive until he yanks Del Rio off the ropes by the ankles. Cesaro beats ADR down but misses a charge into the corner, and Del Rio hits a flurry of offense including a tilt-a-whirl back-breaker and a Back-Stabber with Cesaro hung on the middle rope. Cesaro takes over, meeting ADR in mid air with the European Upper-cut, but Alberto gets the submission by countering a German suplex into the cross-arm-breaker.
WINNER: ALBERTO DEL RIO
Backstage, Kane is being interviewed about how tough things have been for him. Kane says nothing. He holds up the urn from Taker’s tribute, and walks off.
“SAY SOMETHING!” – A**Hole in the crowd.
Rytman Remarks: I know Kane is not Paul Bearer’s son. I know that’s an angle. I STILL SAY THE JERK IN THE CROWD WAS BEING A DICK!
We’ll get a preview of ROCK/CENA at Wrestlemania next.
Remembering Paul Bearer – 1997, Bearer introduces Kane to the WWE.
Video Package tracing the Rock vs Cena timeline going back to last year’s Wrestlemania, highlighting Cena’s and Rock’s wins at the Royal Rumble.
Orton makes his entrance as we go to break.
We come back with a recap of Lesnar attacking the NAO, setting up the tag match w/Orton and Sheamus for team Rhodes Scholars.
RANDY ORTON/SHEAMUS VS TEAM RHODES SCHOLARS
The Rhodes Scholars are in the ring and Sheamus makes his entrance. Sheamus starts out strong until Sandow pulls the top rope down, letting Sheamus spill out. Sandow and Rohdes double team Sheamus until Orton tags in and takes over. Sandow saves Rhodes from a mid-rope DDT. Orton clocks Sandow, Rhodes sends Randy into the post, and Cody takes over. Orton turns the tide with a superplex and Sheamus makes the hot tag. Rhodes takes an RKO, Sandow takes the Brouge Kick, and the “Celtic Vipers,” (as named by a fan on Twitter,) get the three-count.
When we come back, Miz and Wade Barrett on “The Highlight Reel” with Chris Jericho.
During the break, Sheamus and Orton get beaten down by the Shield. Orton takes a flying knee and Sheamus takes the spear.
We get some fans on “Tout,” sharing memories of Paul Bearer.
Jericho is out for the Highlight Reel, in the sparkly jacket.
“Is this jacket working? They’re very tempremental.” – Jericho
Apparently, there was something wrong with the “Jeri-tron.”
“Did you see my magic trick? I made my Jeri-tron dissapear.” Jericho
Miz is the first guest out. Miz says it’s great to be a guest for a change. Jericho mentions his lack of furniture. Jericho plays up Miz’s success with “Marine 3,” showing a clip, when Intercontinental Champion Wade Barrett comes out, with a clip of “Dead Man Down,” his feature film with Colin Firth. Barrett says THAT is a feature film. Miz does an imperssion of Barrett. Barrett insults Miz’s acting range. Miz mentions Barrett not winning match in weeks. We get into the “really” bit until Jericho chimes in with his own take.
“Ruh-hehehehehehehehe-ly.” – Jericho
“How bad is this?” – Michael Cole
Barrett threatens to drop Jericho, Jericho takes off the sparkly jacket and reminds Barrett that he help him make it through NXT and has held the Intercontinental championship a record nine-times, and threatens to make it ten. Brad Maddox comes out on behalf of the Super Hero Management team of “Briki,” (him/Vicki,) and orders Barrett to defend his title next week against the winner of a match between Jericho and Miz. Brad then asks that someone come out to clear the ring, that didn’t have anything in it.
“This could be the worst segment in RAW history.” Michael Cole.
Rytman Remarks: BURYING THE BIT DOESN’T HELP YOU JACKASS! Seriously, Cole bitches over Maddox’s lines so much you almost miss the announcement. Side Note: Is Maddox being a space cadet supposed to be a rib on someone specificly? Cause it’s a looooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng list of candidates.
JERICHO VS MIZ
We come back from break to the match. It’s kind of a rushed back and forth, that ends with Jericho side stepping Miz into Barrett, who joined the announce table. Barrett goes after both men, and gets his butt-kicked. This ends with Barrett taking the Skull-Crushing-Finale and the Code Breaker.
From there, we go to Ricardo and ADR doing a parody of Jeb Coulter and Jack Swagger’s YouTube videos. Backstage, Swagger is pissed.
Remembering Paul Bearer- 1995 – We get a bit with Paul Bearer and Mr. Fuji being grilled by one of the detectives from “NYPD Blue,” while wearing a dress. Taker’s music hits, the lights go out, and Fuji’s in the dress when they come back on.
Jack Swagger is out with Jeb Coulter. Coulter has the mike and is not in a good mood. Sin Cara is in the ring. Coulter turns his attention to Sin Cara. He accuses the WWE universe of being “programmed” to like Sin Cara and calls Cara a “Mexican jumping bean” and a “thief,” saying there’s little Sin Cara’s sneaking into our country 365 days a year. He blames us for letting it happen and says he and Swagger will speak for us if we’re too afraid too.
JACK SWAGGER VS SIN CARA
Quick match that Sin Cara actually dominates w/his fast-paced high-flying style, until he dives into a boot by Swagger. Swagger works the leg and ankle of the luchador legend and gets the win with the “Patriot Act” submission.
WINNER: JACK SWAGGER
We go to a promo for “The Call.” Halle Berry is doing press when David Otunga interrupts her with a phone call, warning her that a co-worker of his got her number after threatening him. Her next call is from KANE! He goes derpy fan-boy on her until she hangs up on him. From the interview, Halle sets off Kane’s pyro with her frustration.
“Does that mean we aren’t going on that picnic?” – Kane
We come back from break to a rewind of Kane going after Punk for interrupting Taker’s tribute.
Punk is out, followed by Kane, as we’re told Ryback will face Mark Henry on Smackdown this Friday.
C.M. PUNK VS KANE
Kane carries the Urn that was part of the act for so long. Punk scores a charging drop-kick to the outside, and goes after Kane with stomps and kicks and-
Well hello Blond in front row, black t-shirt.
MATCH! RIGHT! It’s a brawl on the outside. They hit each other with whatever they can grab. Kane throws Punk back in the ring. Punk fights off a super-plex attempt and hits and elbow off the top rope. Kane comes back and hurls Punk over the ropes.
We go to break.
We come back to the chaos. Punk slips out of Kane’s grasp and scores a hit. Kane reverses a whip and sends Punk into a chair wedged into the corner. Kane unloads on Punk with high-impact moves, and proceeds to tear the place apart, peppering the ring with chairs. Punk reverses a choke-slam attempt into a DDT on a chair and takes over. The match goes back/forth until the Taker’s bell tolls. A distracted Punk takes a choke-slam and Kane gets the three-count!
After the match, Punk nails Kane from behind with the urn. Taker comes to the ring and runs Punk off.
Up on the stage, Punk has the urn and mocks the Takers classic pose.
Punk has the urn, Taker has a vendetta, and RAW comes to an end.
Like this post? Subscribe to our RSS Feed today and never miss another!