Smackdown 03/02/12By G · · 2 Comments
Ahh… back to our normal time slot on Friday. And since it’s not live, that means the WWE can edit and do their Smackdown illusion much better… which also means we won’t get 50% video packages,… or will we? Only one way to find out! Let’s hop to it, shall we?
The Rock had some stuff to say off the air after RAW ended on Monday. If you haven’t already seen this, here’s a fan cam. Of course this depends how quickly YouTube gets told to shut’er down:
I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question.
– The show opens from the birthplace of Grunge music, Seattle(Bucks), Washington. We’re hopping right into action! Good, I can get to drinking the beer… my bad, Sheamus wants to talk. He reminds us he won the Royal Rumble (oh yeah) and makes the obligatory point to the WrestleMania banner. He notes that Daniel Bryan reminds him of himself and his first win of a World title. He became so wrapped up in himself, he became something he hated: A Bully. He needed someone to remind him of who he was, and knock his block off… and he will be that guy for Daniel Bryan. EXCUSE ME!!! Vickie dips into the meme recesses of the internet with:
– Dolph follows up with a pretty good little rant, and tells Sheamus his hair is on fire. Sheamus retorts by calling Vickie old. Then HOLLA HOLLA PLAYAH! Teddy Long is out to book everyone against the Undertaker tonight, playah. Actually no, he books the two of them in a match. NOW I can begin to enjoy my beer.
* Sheamus vs. Dolph Ziggler. Damn, Ziggler has some weird ring boots… white on the parts facing inwards, black on the side facing his arms. So when he puts them together, they look like an Oreo Cookie. Sheamus teaches children to count at home shortly after eating a sweet dropkick sandwich from Ziggler. Still not disqualified. Listen to last weeks BWF Episode 13 to get what I mean… I don’t have time to recap, I’m more concerned that Oreo Cookies. They turn 100 on March 7th, 2012.
Charles Barkley @G: “Cool story, bro.”
G @Charles Barkley: “You know, I could make an Oreo Cookie joke Barkley… still yeah, there’s a match going on…”
– Both men utilize a number of restholds in this bout, but with the smattering of high octane moves in between, it actually makes both look great. Sheamus grabs a near fall in what almost looked like a piledriver turned into a modified slam! Cool! Dolph returns to his vintage (fuck you Micheal Cole) sleeper attempt. After numerous attempts, Sheamus Hulks up and twists his position to toss Ziggler to the floor. BACKBREAKER on Ziggler! BUT NO!! Attempted Celtic Cross, reversed into a Fruit Rollup (I wonder how old those are?), NO!!! Another backbreaker attempt, NO!! The crowd is super hot for this match at this point… Swagger attempts a run in to no avail…. Sheamus lands his new modified side slam finisher for the pin and the win! GREAT MATCH!.
This would make me watch ping pong.
– Post match, they discuss this GM swap deal they’ll be doing with Long and Laurinitaus running their respective opposite shows. Backstage, Long hangs up on Askana to address Johnny Ace and David Otunga in his office. THE OTUNGA COFFEE MUG WARDROBE MATCH IS BACK LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER. Purple and black for the win! John wants an apology, Long says the hell with that, and tells Otunga he’ll be facing the Mediocre Khali on RAW. Then “leave my office before I put some stank on yah!” Otunga sniffs his armpits, and John tells Long to relax. I laughed.
Yep. This meme’s got him there. He is still a “special attraction” like The Undertaker.
– We’re reminded of the spitting cobra gimmick Santino had last week with Heath
Farley Slater. Joe mentioned he liked Pintnoir’s use of that nickname (which I coined, not him on BWF Radio 13. No worries, if I create any nickname, the good people at BWF and WPO are more than welcome to use it…). So now we get the “pay-off”…
– * Heath Slater vs. Santino Marella. Micheal Cole, as per usual, forgets there is a match in the ring and rambles about the GM feud. It’s an entertaining bout, short, but sweet. As Slater attempts a top rope maneuver, Santino bounces off the ropes to crotch him, then unleashes the Cobra and pops him one while seated on the top turn-buckle. Pin, Win, and the trombone is played in post match celebration.
This was an animated gif BEFORE the internet. Just saying.
– Eve is talking to Natalya, and she is condemning her for using Zack. Eve says that the way she’s being treated stinks. Then Natalya farts a squeaker on Eve, and says “No, THAT stinks.” Yes, this happened. Fuck this gimmick, albeit that was funny.
Pictured above: Joey Mercury “training” with the Hardy Boys. Remember that? Ughh….
– * Natalya vs. Eve. Thank you Lillian Garcia for billing Nattie from CALGARY ALBERTA CANADA. Out of complete disdain for the retarded gimmick, I am not going to write much about this… I should note that the crowd is very hot, and chanting “hoeski” loudly as Eve comes out. Midmatch, they chant, “We want Ryder.” Eve wins with some weird rollup out of a submission attempt for the win. Don’t waste your time with this one.
I go switch my laundry from the washer to the dryer… I totally break the “hours of operation” every Friday while I do these. I know what you’re thinking, oh G, you rebel you! Actually my elevator is been out of service in my building for two fucking months and I live on the top floor… but since I always pound back a couple wobbley-pops while I do these reviews on Fridays, shit like this is bound to happen on of these days.
– Cody Rhodes is out to continue his Chronicles of Big Show’s embarassing moments at WrestleMania. Akebono (who is the final competitor in some Japanese Sumo Celebrity show upcoming featuring Big Van Vadar, seriously) and Floyd “Money” Mayweather. Rhodes is spot on heel here, and before he can show us another clip in heeltastic fashion… WELLLLL!!!!!! hits and Show makes his way down. Show has fun with some kid (Make A Wish? I’ll never make fun of that), putting a touque on the kid’s head. We don’t wear beanies in Canada folks, it’s too fucking cold. Rhodes tries to sneak away, and Show comically asks Rhodes to come back to watch the clip as “friends,” HOLLA HOLLA PLAYAH! Long comes out, and says he understands Show’s deal, playah. They’ve spoken about this, and IT’S A WRESTLEMANIA MOMENT as Show will face Rhodes at WM for the I.C. Title! FUCK YOU SHAQ! 🙁 I wanted to see that. Oh well, that one is booked, and another match is booked:
– * Big Show vs. Mark Henry. Yawn. FFW on speed setting 2. Mark Henry exposes a turn buckle, and tosses him to the outside, near countout… makes the ring apron and eats said exposed turnbuckle… commercials and shit… Somebody holds up a sign on the hard camera that says, “Punch Pie.”
Umm… ok? That’s relevant. I’ve heard of a cunt-punch before, but…. fuck it.
The hell with Linsanity, sign this guy. At least for a game of horse.
– Cody Rhodes has appeared to join commentary, so I go back to real time. Rhodes calls him a choke-artist, and a day-to-day player… not a big-game player.. playah? Holla holla? YAWN! YAWN!! YAWN!!! The two big men swap punches, and Rhodes continues to slag on Show now that the match is set. There will be no Shaq-Fu at WrestleMania folks. I pound my beer, and get another to make it through this one. This is like watching two full cement trucks in the Daytona 500. Should have been rained out… meh. Big Show wins, I guess he kicked out of the World’s Strongest Slam, but sells some kind of injury to the chest. I guess.
– We get a sneak peak at Drew McIntyre’s new playboy gimmick? Nah… Long tells him tonight is do-or-die, or he’s fired. Again. For like the 1293084093127859065913706654091749017834908103975401275401275490135701754901835091735971075491-03257-1375-1375-1372854185150309125790275901375901375401637590135176095 time. Yes, those hyphens in that denomination were intentional.
– Matt Striker interviews Randall Keith Orton. My DVR goes to sleep, and not in the good CM Punk way. He’s back and he’s angry he says… in monotone. BOO! The crowd pops, because they are there live and assume he’s entertaining. Thank god he is wrestling someone like Daniel Bryan or I would be FFW’ing that match.
Speaking of basketball, this is a slick fake. Number 32 in the dark jersey is a huge dude.
– * Drew McIntyre vs. Justin “The Man With the Best Shining Wizard In the WWE” Gabriel. Fuck that werewolf shit. I’ve never seen him turn, and they call him a lycanthrope. McIntyre’s facials at the start (not bukkake, perverts) sell his frustration. Good little bit. Josh Matthews calles Gabriel “The High Flying Affeciendo.” That’s a good nickname too. Gabriel dominates to start, and lands his finisher! It’s over! Dude is fired? HOLLA HOLLA! To piss in his face (isn’t he the face GM?), Long appears on the Trinatron and publically fires him. Add another one to Team Laurinitaus.
Die Twitter, die!
– It’s probably a good thing for MVP that Long wasn’t a stickler for “rules” with losing streaks.
– Some add for the straight-to-DVD throw away movie “Bending the Rules” starring Edge. I guess Matthew Lillard passed?
Matthew Lillard @G: “Cool story, bro.”
G @Matthew Lillard: “That was old, and not funny at the start of this review. Hey! Just like you! Burn. Well, I did enjoy you as the retarded lackey in the first Scream movie. I guess every generation needs a “Pauly Shore.” Sadly, every generation does not get a Paul E. Dangerously.”
– Hey, have you checked out Wonderpod episode #100 yet? Get on it, people. Hell, just like the Rock, even I show up live for one the biggest events of the show.
– Daniel Bryan cuts an odd promo reminding us he’s from the same state. hailing from Aberdeen, WAS.. He goes over his acolades in a propanganda style, skewing the results towards his perceptual favor, like any fucking great heel would do. Win. Watch this.
Look, if you’re going to rock the three footer… remember that’s a lot of smoke, folks. I’m not going to get all political here. Bill Goldberg inhaled MUCH worse smoke from his pyro back in the WCW days.
* Non-Title Match: Daniel Bryan vs. Randy Orton. Bryan enters as if he has already the match, At this point, this G is too tired to do much more than watch. And, yes, the beer isn’t helping. Good slow build in the first segment. Bryan keeps the action going, as the Viper attempts his revenge,
Totally unrelated animated gif:
Looks like the Fatal Fourway is a lot older than I thought.
– Today sucked, I am tired. This was a pretty damn good match, but my typing fingers won’t agree with sleep depravation and few Canadian Night Caps. Kane interferes midway, and the bell is rung as a countout. Orton and Kane fight outside, because….umm…. Goodnight Moon, FFW? Nah, GGW! Kane tells Orton, “Welcome back.”
– Otunga and Johnny Ace as the show fades. John books Aksana versus Kane next week when he books Smackdown. Otunga drinks from his wardrobe-coordinated coffee cup and utters, “really.” Elsewhere, I can only assume The Miz is crying in the fetal position.
I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.
The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.
This Smackdown Review Appears on Two Sites!
Bored Wrestling Fan
A break down of various professional wrestling programs and events from the eyes of the smarky fan! I highly recommend checking out the BWF!
The official home of Wonderpod, and an assortment of content ranging from all things wide and far… depending on what the author’s feel like writing about. A home for reviews, commentary, pop culture, and fiction just to start. Always worth a look.
The Cultural Revolution (TCR Comix)
Al Creed’s comics dominate tongue and cheek humour here.
A weekly podcast about the world of video games, from player experiences to current events in the industry, Bruce McGee, Pat Man, Glasenator, Jonkind and/or Gun Sage provide insight into the medium for any gamer (whether casual or “pro”). Clicking the jump will take you to the iTunes page!
An online music production project, free tunes spanning many genres… check it out!
ThinkSoJoE’s band, who is also the boss over at Bored Wrestling Fan. For those digging some sweet metal influenced, intriguing tunes… you really need to grab yourself an earfull.
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