Smackdown 03/15/13: You Probably Should’ve Watched This Episode, Jerk.By G · · Leave a Comment
Step 1: Steal a time machine
Step 2: Go back to the 1980’s and find yourself a Pogoball
Step 3: It’s hopping time, motherfuckers.
Let’s do this shit.
I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question.
– There is no voice over guy this week. So there goes that gimmick. Too bad, because I was planning on using something like: “While spelunking, you come across an ancient cave painting depicting…”. WWE went and ruined it. We do get a replay and voice over by Michael Cole showing Team Beta’s attacks on Sheamus and Orton from RAW. It’s just not the same. Sheamus makes his way out to the ring… following by Orton. Brad Maddox joins commentary and hits a red button on the desk. White smoke is seen rising out of Australia as ThatDamnDoubleC of the BWF/BWF Radio has finally come to a papal decision. “Perhaps Jack Swagger is visiting down under?” our Aussie correspondent suggests. Backstage Joe and My Pope, Your Pope, THE Pope, Jorge are seen sprinting down the hallway putting tactical armor.
Joe: Hurry up, “Francis.” Good thing Maddox is in on Operation Robot Slaying…
Jorge (wheezing): Dude, I shit you not. I’m not cut out for this running stuff…
Joe: Maybe Team Omega can delay things for us? (Joe hits a red button located one of his utility belts).
Team Omega comes out to the ring…
SILENCE! What happened last Monday on RAW was nothing short of a professional and managerial abomination! Not only was our sure fire victory over The New Age Outlaws taken from us… Not only was our post match endeavor with The Bella Twins postponed… But we were put in a match that we were neither physically, nor mentally prepared for against these two vulgarians. My uncle, Minis (?) Sandow told me a story once, and it goes like this…
Cody’s Mustache (cutting off Sandow):
You don’t deserve the story. It’s simple. You ruined our dates. You ruined our night. Now it’s time for us to ruin yours.
– * Sheamus & Randy Orton vs. Team Rhodes Scholars. J.T. is seen in the audience holding up a sign proclaiming how he thinks it’s cute that Unmixed Strawberry Yogurt and Randall Keith Orton are dating each other. Meanwhile, Team Rhodes Scholars get down to their role as perennial jobbers towards WrasslerMonkeyMania. Action goes to the outside of the ring, and 16.3 Pogoball advertisements air.
Fuck you, water. Milk, you’re not any better… and plus you come from a cow’s dick.
– And we’re black. No, that was not a typo you racists. Actually we’re all varying shades of brown pigment. Look it up, bigot. I’m not angry, I just play an angry guy on BWF Radio (every Sunday at 2PM EDSTDs. Like Jorge’s herpes).
Phoenix Coyote, Mikkel Boedker, is the first Player of the Game World Title holder for his team’s new honarary belt. Pretty sweet, huh?
– Now we have really returned. Sheamus has been cast as the-face-in-distress in this movie (Vince makes them, god damn it!), and takes a pounding as the heels dominate. What’s this? Randall Keith Orton gets the hot tag? Team Alpha finally makes it to the ring, as Rand-bot hits his draping DDT on Rhodes. J.T. hops the barricade to join them, but it’s too late. RKO on Rhodes as Team Omega is defeated and the quasi-faces win. The Pope passes out from exhaustion, Joe realizes they forgot the motor oil weaponry in their haste, and J.T. accidently hits the FFW button until he finds himself back in his seat munching popcorn and drinking whiskey.
Hey, we’re going to have a good time. For sure, and… wait, what in the fuck is over there?
– Poor J.T. missed an awesome Team Beta video by The Shield who inform us of their destruction of almost all the shitty faces on WWE. Even more so, they tell us that the biggest injustice in the WWE right now is that they do not have a match at WM. Orton and Sheamus to find a partner for a match at the PPV. It looks like it’s official, they just need to get Big Show to sign up (or it would seem). Great match, great follow up promo.
There’ so many B A Star jokes to be made here.
– Will Brock Lesnar fight H-Cubed at WrestleMania? Clips from RAW after Lesnar murdered the Stone Age Outlaws. I hope the stip is that everyone in the audience gets F5’d. Yeah, Joe, I’m looking at you, buddy.
– Backstage Sheamus and Randall Keith Orton meet with The Big Show about tagging at WM 29. Show doesn’t trust them at all, but he is willing to help out due to recent events. Show is not let into the shitty-face club. That honor goes to The Ryback. Show runs off crying. J.T. is seen in the audience holding up a foam-finger that says nothing. It’s just a foam finger. I grab that foam finger and beat down Val Venis in WWF No Mercy for the N64. I never noticed J.T. in that game before. Dude gets around.
The handshake heard ’round the world. Not pictured: The Big Show.
– * Layla & Kaitlyn vs. Tamina Snuka & Aksana. Oh god. Reread who is in this. Read it again. Are you blind yet? Has your brain blocked it out? Guess what? THE BELLAS ARE BACK TO SAVE DIVA WRESTLING! They discuss things with The Funkadactyls after the match ends. Great. The Bellas call them Hoochie Mamas. I’m going to fastforward the shit out of…. KABLAM! A stick of dynamite explodes beside me as I watch the left side of my face and arm fly through the air and land in a pile of bloody mess in my living room! “Watch the damn match,” my secret assailant whispers into my left ear. I don’t react since that ear is gone. He tries again on my right side. “MY CARPET!” I scream with half my mouth intact. “Your carpet?” my attacker retorts, “You mean the carpet that was covered with dust and filth, and was frozen into ice last week? What? You think you are getting your damage deposit back after the antics you’ve conducted in here?” I scratch my head, unintentionally causing part of my cerebral cortex to fall out of my opened skull. “Whatever,” I reply, “Everybody rubs their ass across the carpet like a dog with ring worms. Toilet paper is the biggest scam product in history.” But it’s too late, my assailant has left. I hear a tapping at my balcony door and notice The new Pope, Jorge, using my left severed arm to wave good-bye to me as he uses another stick of lit dynamite shoved up his ass to propel him into the cosmos shouting something about his people needing him. That was a great Divas match.
Sidney Crosby smells what The Rock is cooking.
– * Dolph Ziggler (with Dat Ass and Biggie Smalls) vs. Kane (With GoatFace-Killer of the Wu-Tang Clan). Kane goes on the immediate attack as he is also a massive Pogoball fan and thinks Dolph looks like a fun ride. This really is the Kane show, until A.J. attempts to distract her former friend-with-benefits, and GoatFace-Killer and Biggie Smalls have a rap battle outside the ring. I can’t remember which “coasts” they represented during the mid-nineties rapper killing spree, nor care, but all of this serves to allow Dolph Ziggler to hit the Zig-Zag and roll-up Kane like one a Jack Swagger Triple-Cone-Special for the munchies and a stop at McDonald’s (open 24 hours at most locations) for some amonia-soaked chicken McNuggets featured in that internet viral article from a year ago. Yeah, the one where the Nuggets looked like salt-water taffy. Then Biggie Smalls puts on his Burger King hat, says his name three times in the mirror, and runs into the ring with Butters Stoch and fucks up Kane post match.
The fuck they did!
– Another Ric-Rod and Alberto Del Rio parody video airs about Americans being made of the “Right Stuff.” Wasn’t that the name of that NASA movie from the 1980’s? Hmm… but the leader of the space station is an upstanding Canadian. Not ‘Murican. Not Mexican. He’s part of the Commonwealth. Fuck NASA.
Eat it Jorge. I think illegal immigrants might steal your herpes.
– In all fairness, while I am a total patriot and love the fuck out of Canada, I can take a joke. Kudos for making the point about illegal immigrants on Canada’s dime. I laughed. Even Jericho laughs backstage. Swagger confronts him about it, and also calls him a fake American (but he was born in America and holds dual citizenship). Jericho shuts both Swagger and Coulter down with undeniable logic.
– Clips are shown of JBL kicking the shit of Mt. Death for charity because he rules like that. He totally soap-raped that mountain.
– * Fandango (with unnamed dancing girl) vs. Mediocre Khali (with the lovely Natalya). Fundimple stops his entrance and calls bullshit on Khali’s shambling as a dance, and wants to hear Khali pronounce his name. Yep, they picked the least articulate guy on the roster to do this. Too bad Hornswoggle can speak now, because him being mute would be even better. Khali blows it, and hopes that Khali has a lot of money, because he will have to reimburse everyone in attendance and walks out. As long as knees are not considered currency, Khali should be ok.
@G @Charles Barkley: “Umm… thanks for sharing?”
– Clips of Cena/Rock over the last 2,421,154 days air.
– Mookie Blaylock interviews Arse and Robot about recruiting Ramstein as their partner, but then Team Beta attack them for being terrible faces. They lay them out and toss them into stuff at catering ensuring no one gets a meal during the show. Reigns mumbles something about the food not containing nutritional daily minerals, vitamins, and steroids as the Shield saunter off to Burger King to pay tribute to Biggie Smalls. Mookie is seen illegally downloading the “Ten” album by Pearl Jam, also mumbling something about “Vedder not even sending him a comp copy.”
Julia clearly doesn’t “get it”.
– Back, backstage, Boston Tea Party tells RZAback to not worry about The Shield’s attack on Sheamus and Orton, and to focus on his match. RZAback quickly stops by GoatFace-Killah’s locker room, and they pen another hit for the Wu.
– * Mark Henry vs. RZAback. This match is barely underway as The Shield show up and stand outside with J.T., all holding up signs saying “It’s” “Go” Time,” “Bitches!”. The Shield all run in and beat the snot out of RZAback as Henry bails and joins J.T. in the audience exchanging stories about munching popcorn and drinking beer. They’re besties now. Triple powerbomb on RZAback. Henry finishes his popcorn, then lands a World’s Strongest Slam on the fallen gangsta rapper… pulls him up and slams him again. Henry decides a third time is always funnier when delivered in angry fashion. “Welcome to the Hall of Pain!” screams Henry as the crowd screams, “Feed me more!” to close the scene.
– * Jack Swagger vs. Chris “The Complete Canadian, Canadian” Jericho. I kind of expect Jericho to do the job here like Nick Diaz will to GSP in Montreal tomorrow night. The Francophone is going to eat him up like a big ol’ tasty pile of poutine (or all-dressed ruffles, now made saintly by our new Pope Jorge). For those non-UFC fans, look up the UFC media conference call when Diaz loses his shit on GSP around the 18 minute mark. Pretty funny shit. Anyways, this match looks to get a bunch of time, and with two technically sound guys, you know you are getting a treat, you spoiled smarks. And that’s what you get. I can’t even complain about this match, and I contribute to the IWC. The fuck? The two hit their spots, but in a pretty damn fluid way, telling a story that I think you will enjoy. Just go watch it. Watch the whole damn show. After many well executed near-pins/spots, Swagger powerbombs Jericho for the win with a bloody lip FTW.
75% of wrestling usually? Yep.
– Overall, this was a fantastic episode of Smackdown. We had members of the Wu Tang Clan, good bouts, Team Omega debut (even in a loss), Big Show cry, catering ruined, Brad Maddox on commentary, and pogoball references. You probably should have watched this, but you didn’t. Good job. Now go stream it on some illegal site and put the lotion on it’s skin as Joe beats you off, because I haven’t made that joke this week yet. Joe loves doing that. He’s a team player. In regards to RAW, the last time we saw Paul Bearer,. he was locked in a walk-in fridge. Punk put the urn in his fridge. Symbolism, anyone? R.I.P. William. The IWC needs to shut the fuck up about RAW. It’s not like Randall Keith Orton told Taker he was in hell.
I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.
The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.
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