The Road to WrestleMania trundles on! We’re less than 3 weeks away from The Grandest Stage Of Them All!

Special thanks to the First Lady of BWF, Drowgoddess, for taking care of SmackDown! duties last week!

This week’s report should have reached you sooner, but I’ve had a busy weekend (for a change)! My Saturday was spent watching my beloved Braehead Clan get destroyed by the Sheffield Steelers in the ELITE League. Most of today has consisted of chart-related geekery because Wheatus’s ‘Teenage Dirtbag’ re-entered the UK Top 40, ten years after its release!

Time for a cheap plug – if you ever liked Wheatus (or like the sound of dark, proggy, quirky pop-rock…), check out Wheatus.com and get some free music!

That’s quite enough exclamation marks for now. On with the show…

Generic WWE lackeys are seen constructing Michael Cole’s ‘Colemine’ booth at ringside, as Tony Chimel introduces him as ‘the voice of the WWE.’ I can’t wait to see Jerry Lawler kick his ass at ‘Mania. Hopefully Good Ol’ JR gets a few shots in, too!

Edge vs. Brodus Clay: According to Drow’s report last week, Josh Mathews referred to Brodus as ‘King Hippo’? That’s an awesome nickname. Admittedly, I didn’t watch much of NXT4, but Clay is instantly memorable. During this match, the audio of my SD! feed goes out of sync with the video, so this should be an interesting episode… Having Brodus as Alberto Del Rio’s enforcer is a clever move – I can’t think of any better use for the big man. Del Rio and Ricardo Rodriguez try to interfere, but Christian appears to even the odds. The distraction is all Edge needs to take Clay down with a Spear. Del Rio pounces on Edge after the bell, and Christian soon joins the fray.  Teddy Long’s music hits and the GM announces that Del Rio and Christian will face off tonight… and to ensure it stays one-on-one, that match will take place in a steel cage! Your winner: Edge

Champion vs. Champion – Sheamus vs. Kofi Kingston: What are these men doing for ‘Mania? I don’t tend to read any dirt sheets, so I don’t know what the current rumoured plans are for either man. Maybe they’ll want to come round to my house to watch? I’ll have plenty of chips and dips… It’s good that Sheamus’ supposed ‘losing streak’ is over – that gimmick never works. Remember MVP’s? The action spills outside, and Sheamus uses the steel steps as a weapon. We return between the ropes, and Kofi is taken down with a Brogue Kick. Your winner: Sheamus

Backstage, Big Show tells Kane they need to put their differences aside and take the tag titles from The Corre tonight.

Trent Baretta vs. Cody Rhodes: My excitement at seeing Baretta on my screen is swiftly trampled as Rhodes’ new music startsplaying. It’s like they sucked all the awesome out of the original! Cody comes down to the ring wearing a suit, with a black towel covering his masked face. Drama queen… Cody uses his mask as a weapon, as he headbutts Baretta. How is that allowed? Another headbutt follows and it looks like Baretta is out cold. Cody picks up an easy pinfall victory. Your winner: Trent Baretta

We get another video of Shawn Michaels weighing in on the Undertaker/Triple H match. Nuff said?

Layla vs. Kelly Kelly: Michelle is on commentary once again, complaining that Kelly Kelly sticks up the venue when she lifts her arms up. For a Layla/Kelly bout, this is considerably better than past encounters. Kelly climbs the turnbuckles, but McCool causes a distraction from ringside and Layla takes full advantage for the win. Your winner: Layla

WWE Tag Team Championships – Justin Gabriel and Heath Slater vs. Big Show and Kane: A few minutes into this bout, Big Show flattens Slater with a Chokeslam, but Justin Gabriel pulls the referee out of the ring before he can count to 3. Tut tut! The match is thrown out, and Kane and Big Show look to exact revenge, but Ezekiel Jackson and Wade Barrett appear and take the giants out. Barrett even hits Wasteland on Big Show! The Corre pummel Kane with the steel steps, then try and Flapjack Big Show through the announce desk. The table doesn’t quite break (…how in the name of God?!), but their message is received. Your winners: Big Show and Kane via DQ

Todd ‘Dead Eyes’ Grisham is backstage with Alberto Del Rio, and the out-of-sync audio makes The Grish seem all the creepier.

Jack Swagger vs. Chris Masters: One of these men gets an entrance; the other doesn’t. One is currently on the WrestleMania card; the other isn’t. Guess who’s winning tonight? Michael Cole announces he will use the ‘An-Cole Lock’ to beat Lawler. Nice! Swagger works Masters’ ankle throughout this bout, and he soon has The Masterpiece tapping. Michael Cole leaves his Colemine to join Swagger in the ring – he even locks in his An-Cole Lock on Masters! That’s gotta hurt. Y’know, the guy’s spirit? Your winner: Jack Swagger

Rey Mysterio vs. Ted DiBiase: Like above, I wonder who will leave this match on top? The only ‘angle’ to this match is the fact that DiBiase used to team with Rey’s ‘Mania opponent, Cody Rhodes. At least DiBiase is getting a match! The dude needs an overhaul if he’s ever gonna rise through the WWE ranks again. We get a nice predictable finish, with Rey hitting the 619 and following it up with a top rope splash. Maryse looks thoroughly unimpressed, marching off and leaving DiBiase lying on his back. Your winner: Rey Mysterio

We get a rundown of the WrestleMania card. Is it bad that I’m more excited about Snooki’s match and Lawler/Cole, than I am about either world title match?

Alberto Del Rio vs. Christian: Considering how short Del Rio’s WWE run has been, it’s amazing how much of an underdog Christian feels in this match. I’m not sure how to describe the cage spots in this match without boring everyone into a coma, so let’s just say that both men ended up dangling on the outside of the cage, with Christian falling down first for the win! Del Rio attacks after the bell, grabbing a mic to inform us that he is about to destroy Christian. He’s halted in his tracks by Edge, who starts beeping the horn of Del Rio’s very expensive Bentley. Edge grabs a steel chair, talking about how he’s going to destroy the car, but Brodus Clay appears from the back and stampedes the Rated R Superstar. Del Rio then delivers a Conchairto to Edge’s left hand. Ouch. Your winner: Christian

That’s it for another week! Cheers!

 

2 Comments

  1. In retrospect, I probably should have come up with something relating to Christian Cage, but I'm far too lazy and unimaginative at this time on a Sunday night!


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