Smackdown 03/23/12: Living in the Past?By G · · 1 Comment
Hey hey! What’s going on WPO Crew! AudioMaster G here! Oh wait, that’s my alter-identity on the Wonderpod-cast that usually airs on Fridays… just felt odd this week not hearing that spiel since the computer ate Bruce’s homework. But it is what it is. Speaking of which, it’s time for the holding pattern that is WWE television leading up to the Grand Daddy of Them All, WrestleMania 28! I’m sure tonight will entertain, but don’t expect much advancement in any storylines…. well, perhaps some members of Team Teddy will be announced. Regardless, get your ring gear on, call your Momma (he WILL appear), and let’s get to it, shall we?
Not single one was given that Monday.
Quick Shill: A fellow wrestling buddy of mine is promoting a HUGE music event, MTT Fest on March 24-25, 2012 in Calgary, Alberta, Canada. If you know anybody who lives in or near the Calgary area (or yourself), I highly suggest you check out this two day music festival featuring the likes of dean & britta (galaxie 500) sonic boom (spacemen 3) damo suzuki, to name just a few. Ticket information here. “Let the cosmic journey begin.”
I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question.
– We kick off our show with Daniel Bryan coming down to the ring with AJ, who hands the microphone to her boyfriend. The crowd boos heavily before he speaks. “The first thing I’d like to say is,” he begins, “YES! YES! YES!” Then he asks AJ to tell the crowd what it’s like to be involved with the World Heavyweight Champion. She begins by saying she is in a match tonight, and is cut off by Bryan who tells her to answer the question. She calls it heaven. Then talks about spooning… err… cuddling. And then puts him over. You get the idea. Then Bryan makes her say that he is a great lover… and that he will win over “The Big Irish Brute” at WrestleMania. “Let’s hear it for me!” shouts Bryan, “YES! etc.” AJ does a great job here, actually.
Real sports are more fake than wrestling.
– Out comes the Great White Irish Brute, fella. He mentions he threw up in his mouth backstage, and questions AJ’s proclamation that Bryan is brave and courageous. Sheamus gets serious and angry looking, and calls him Danny. The crowd immediately follows suit. “Well Danny Boy,” he continues… and again the crowd eats it up like a bowl of spider stew. He promises to kick Danny Boy’s teeth down his throat. End segment. It was pretty damn good, and reminded the crowd that this match is actually still on the card. Seriously, talk about neglecting your Royal Rumble winner and WH Champ.
– Speaking of being ignored:
– Speaking of spider stew….
– *Mark Henry vs. R-Truth. Truth comes down to the ring, but converses with the invisible Little Jimmy, bumps butts, and holds his hand while skipping down the ramp. Hilarious to this Little G. Truth goes hard at Henry, to no avail. This match looks to be predictable. Henry Jimmy-handles Truth with a series of punches and clotheslines, and tossing him around. Truth gets some wind, hits a DDT, but is caught in midair from a top rope leap into a World’s Strongest Slam. Henry is your winner.
– Yokozuna Hall of Fame video. I think I missed this on Monday, but I’m sure it aired then first.
– The elevator in my apartment works again. I love that the landlord said it would take a month initially, and in reality it took 2 & 2/3 months.
– Zack Ryder meets with Teddy, Santino, Kofi, Aksana. Ryder convinces Teddy to let Hornswoggle to be Team Teddy’s mascot and The Mediocre Khali to join the team (he enters dressed as Ryder). Ryder leads the team in a “Woo! Woo!” and then all say “You know it!” Cheesy? Oh yeah. Was I entertained regardless? Yup.
Who is Lord Tensai? It’s A-Train/Prince Albert/Matt Bloom. Did he finally shave his back? Only time will tell. I guess that Twitter swerve was ineffectual, huh?
– *AJ vs. Brie Bella. Daniel Bryan continues his coaching at ringside. Not as vocal this week as last, but still adds to the match. The problem is that it was his hockey-dad enthusiasm was what made the original incarnation my favorite moment of Smackdown last week. Not so much this time around, but it was still enjoyable. Notice how sentences into this match review, I haven’t even mentioned the “action” in the ring? Coincidence? The other Bella goes to interfere as AJ locks on an armbar or something to her sister. Bryan stops the twin, allowing AJ to pick up a submission win.
– The twin grabs the microphone and says her and Brie don’t always agree on everything. The twin mentions (what the fuck is her name again?) she is rooting for Team Teddy while Brie is rooting for Team Johnny. What a waste of time this part of the show was.
All this whining and crying by fanboys and fangirls about the ending of Mass Effect 3 is a result of abusing Joker’s crew. Payback’s a bitch.
– Vickie Guerrero “EXCUSE ME”‘s her way out to introduce Jack Swagger, who is still rocking the little boy haircut look straight out of the episode of Seinfeld where Jerry is reluctant to switch barber’s even though his lifelong guy has gotten really senile with age and thinks Seinfeld is 12.
Lego Battle Royales (with cheese) are always epic.
– *Jack Swagger vs. Zack Ryder. Hornswoggle is running around outside with a giant blue Team Teddy flag. Booker and Cole bicker over who has the better team. Again, although I wasn’t crazy about the Bella talking, at least they are really developing this WM match. Meanwhile, this match is pretty solid. Both men work well together, and tell a good story. Swagger implements a nice chain sequence on Ryder with two reverse one-arm overhead slams, into a submission choke with the same arm! Ryder manages to get back into it with a faceplant, flying corner punch, and a kick to the skull. Attempts at finishers fail, and then Vickie shrieks at Swagger to help her flee from a perverted Hornswoggle. This allows a distraction win for Ryder!
Charles Barkley @G: “Can’t make it this week, living in the past.”
G @Charles Barkley: “It has nothing to do with the NCAA March Madness Tournament? Right?”
– We are shown a clip of Cody Rhodes talking about his feud with Show. Nothing really develops here, except Rhodes makes mention of WM taking place on April Fool’s Day. Isn’t it the case that if you play a trick on someone after 12:00 PM, you’re the fool. Here’s the thing, I never got that disclaimer. Why is it called April Fool’s Day then? Isn’t it a half day? Wasn’t I just talking about Jerry Seinfeld a couple paragraphs ago? What’s the deal with that?
Ahh, the good old days… when consequences for one’s actions were trumped by a good laugh!
– *Kane vs. Big Show. Oh god. If you follow my reviews, I am incredibly biased against big lumbering guys taking on other big lumbering guys more than any type of wrestling bout possible. FFW’ing on 3/5 speed until the inevitable interference or non-finish… If you’re a fan of guys punching and kicking each other the entire match, this one’s for you! Kane does land a rare drop kick to a seated Show. Kane attempts his top rope chop, only to land into the setup for a chokeslam via Show. Rhodes interferes, match is called a DQ as Show wanders into the crowd trying to find a fleeing Cody. Enter the Viper. RKO on Kane.
Charles Barkley @G: “Not at all, Kenny. That play was turrible.”
G @Charles Barkley: “Ok… wait, KENNY? What?”
– Totally unrelated, but I finally got a win with Jake “The Snake” Roberts on The Big Boss Man in WWE WrestleFest on my iPhone today. I swear they made Roberts’ DDT less effective in this revision of the original arcade cabinet classic.
– Anti-Bullying video package with WWE talent. Yep.
– *Brodus Clay vs. Heath Slater
I’m still not sick of this gimmick. BOOM!
– This week, the entrance is given a green theme. They kind of missed the St. Patrick’s Day theme by a wee bit. Whatever, still loving it. Heath Slater mocks the entrance at ringside, likely upset he didn’t even get one himself. Slater actually gets some offense in, but the Funkasaurus will have none of it. He gets angry, and brings back his inring talking with a “My Bad.” Put this man on Team Teddy damn it. Brodus for the win.
– A #NewWWEcom ad airs. It’s full of “legitimate” tweets, including one where some mark says they can’t sleep because of #NewWWEcom. WTF? Is the site a fucking clown looming over the bed of Bart on an early The Simpson’s episode? Who got that? Anyone? I know of another clown who is going to eat you, and inspired the name of one of my favorite skate-punk bands of all time.
One of the guys I work with at night was like this today. All crazy like. Fun times.
– And since I reference the band Pennywise, I get all homesick and go watch this epic song’s video. Love the bass solo in this one. That whole Unknown Road album is a winner in my books.
– Then the handgun theme of that video reminds me of my first concert T-Shirt I ever bought back on Pearl Jam’s Ten album tour…
The front of the shirt, starring Jessica and her choice. You can buy it through this link. I already have one, albeit well-faded and worn. And original. I had to wash it after the show to get the sweat and marijuana stank out of it I absorbed in the moshpit.
The back of said shirt…
– See what you people do to me? I go on retro-tangents for this shit. Fuck. There’s still more Smackdown to go around.
– Then I realize that the Pennywise reference that started this debacle, was written by Stephen King. A man who also wrote “The Body.” That story was recreated by Hollywood in film version named “Stand By Me.” A story which features kids with references to guns, and shared a song title of a classic song covered by Pennywise. Shit comes full circle sometimes in my distractions: [youtube kEB7QYzT-Ws] Fuck sakes…Do it Fletcher!
This kid is deciding whether the dead are walking, or white people continue to not know how to dance.
– Ryder and Eve talk backstage. Not much here, Eve tells Ryder about some dinner they were to have together happened with someone else. Eve walks off all smug.
– RAW Rebound, Already saw this last Monday, don’t care. The Memory Remains. Yes, that goes against my italicized disclaimer at the start of every show review….
– *The Mediocre Khali vs. Dolph Ziggler. More GM storyline stuff. Christian joins commentary. I expect this to be short, sadly. Dolph should win here, not this crippled giant. John and David accompany the Showoff to the ring (yes, Otunga’s coffee mug continues to match his outfit even though they fucked up the streak a couple weeks back). Khali does his typical little-effort match style as Ziggler bumps like a champion when he should not be in this situation. Ziggler locks on a sleeper hold just prior to Johnny Ace (who joined commentary and suggested Cole should be their team mascot with the singlet)… then Johnny rings the bell and calls the match. Long says fuck that, and that “we don’t roll like that,” and restarts the match. The referee begins the count, and The Mediocre Khali wins as a result.
That’s the way she rolls.
– *C.M. Punk and Sheamus vs. Daniel Bryan and The Miz. Ok, one of these people doesn’t belong here… and that guy is our likely “fall-guy.” They give this 16 minutes post entrances, so I go into just-watching-mode. It’s 1:30AM. We start off slow with everyone getting some action. I can’t expect a clean finish here, but appreciate the back and forth we do get.
There’s an app for that! Seriously, I wouldn’t lie to you. TRY THIS AT HOME!
– An early face hot tag is teased via Punk, but a Bryan distraction prevents the top rope Macho-Man-Elbow-Drop tribute via Punk on Miz. Miz’s subsequent DDT is lost on Punk… This lead to some brawling which leads to a sweet kick to the back of Miz’s skull by Punk. Both crawl to tag their teammates, but Sheamus wins the coup, and teaches children at home how to count on Miz, Pin, Win. Sheamus does the obvious, and pins last year’s WrestleMania headliner. We’re done here. Off to play Skyrim… again… I live there now.
Featured above: Every single comments thread on YouTube, ever.
I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.
We’re not done with Punk covers, dammit. Me Me First and the Gimme Gimmes.
The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.
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