Smackdown 04/04/14: So much FFW…By G · · Leave a Comment
Not worth your time.
“I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. Sometimes I attempt to write something funny in this disclaimer section. This is not one of those times..”.
– Mikhail and Joseph kick off the show noting there will be very little on this episode, and HEY, HEY! Here’s one of two matches, bitches.
His other knee was sore, alright?
– * Titus O’Neil vs. Dolph Ziggler (inconsequential rules match). It’s all banter about the Adrian Adonis Memorial Fabulous Boa match, in which all involved had to dress in Bumble Suits and dance around like in the No Rain video by Blind Melon. Gunner’s Dad is seen at ringside wearing a beer-hat. This match is watchable, as Ziggler is doing his best to bump, and Titus clearly wants some TV time. They both take advantage of this opportunity to essentially main event this episode by jerking off Billy Kidman in Gorilla position. Ziggler hits the ZigZag and picks up that win over Titus.
– A whole ton of WWE Excess segments to follow, and Renee Paquette has developed a lisp. It’s extremely noticeable, WE THE PEOPLE, and one has to wonder what happened to her mouth since RAW.
– The Streak marks promo package.
Thanks, Christopher Epps for bringing this to my attention. Love this. Funny for so many wrong reasons. The rumor that Punk would show up at the end of Mania and screw Bryan over are popping up all over. I guess I could see him doing it to HHH, but that would require a heel to win (which makes no sense) or the Triple Threat to become a Fatal Fourway. That would mean HHH/Bryan to be a double DQ or HHH puts himself into the Mainevent anyways. Then if you put the belt on Bryan that way, it makes for a shitty weak championship ending….
Don’t bang on the glass for no particular reason.
Plus even with all of this Internet 2.0 booking, dude quit. We all know Bryan will lose to Batista, and Jim Ross will return wearing a toga as Hulk Hogan will immediately challenge Batista to a match… AND WIN, dude, brother, dude.
Sounds about right.
– Stephanie McMahon discusses HHH’s penis size in comparison to Michael Cole’s or the other guys he’s burying this Sunday.
– More Excess clips of shit you can see if you go. I go. Bye! I carry my burden across the ancient lands with a rag tag band of misfits and marauders… we achieve many victories, as one by one, some are corrupted by the evil of my burden, or worse yet are consumed by the flames of unspeakable evil… Some find other battles to fight in smaller groups that aid me ultimately, as our group fragments. As the path gets harder, and more strenuous, my tag team partner stands by my side as we are joined by a new manager of questionable intent. He claims he can lead us to the promised land, so we follow him. As the corruption of my burden drains me more, my tag partner carries me to the ultimate end, and then it happens. Our new Manager screams at us, “My precious!” and Gollum Joe bites the spinner title right off my shoulder! “Whee!” he declares as he falls into the depths of The Fruity Pebble Foam Ball Pit at WWE Axxess. Diddy and I realize we have done it. JT and his Zack Ryder’s of Rohan have joined Jorge at Gondor to quell off the evil armies of orc’s, and is aided by Marxist The White and all is right in the world.
– Booker T books an interview with Randy Orton, 5 times. Hype videos.
At least he washed his hands after leaving a souvenir in a fans bag…
– * The Real Americans vs. Los Matadores. Since this is a teaser for the eight-man tag match only seen by Americans on the Network, I refuse to comment in protest of Xenophobia. Get it? G and Diddy win, and return to witness Merry and Pippen liberate The Shire… Afterwards, Merry and Pippen’s accolades are stripped from them for violating the WWE Wellness Policy for using Ent Juice. G notes to Diddy, “I thought they looked abnormally bigger.” “SCREECH!” replies Diddy (and Marxist The White who suddenly appears in the scene for no reason). Shortly thereafter, G would put Diddy’s head through a barbershop window, and go on to single’s success. Ultimately, he would sign a deal with the Elves and leave Middle Earth. Just prior, Bilbo would job him out in the infamous Bag End Screw Job.
This reads for itself.
– Clips of Dain and Thorin in the Dwarven Halls of Mithril Fame are shown…
– We the Hobbits.
– Did You Know? Daniel Bryan reportedly cut a promo after RAW ended on The Network that made people want to see Mania, but the people who saw it have already technically purchased Mania? Yes, they are that stupid.
– Did You Know? I just FFW’d through 40 more minutes of bullshit. It’s a fact.
– J.T. Hogan talks:
“WrestleMania is mostly about just hyping the Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal. And yeah, I realize that I’m as guilty as anyone being smarthy about it… even in this review. But in all fairness, Andre The Giant also hung out with a halfling. And one that was named not named Willow, because that was a different film from the 80’s (which was also cool) and he had a twig, as opposed to a fucking umbrella and drug narcosis. A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down, and There’s Something About Mary (Mary being the actress who played Tasha Yar on Star Trek: The Next Generation, who plays the BethBQ specialist on The Walking Dead and was the only significant Star Trek cast member to die on a TV Show since Spock dies in a movie). No see, Andre The Giant played alongside Inigo Montoya (who was a Hobbit in comparison to Andre). His name is Inigo Montoya, YES YES YES, don’t fuck this up WWE. Dude, Brother, Dude. I invented all of that, Jack!”
I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.
The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.
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Sept 6, 2013. I am a clone of G. I am currently handcuffed to one of the lower legs of G’s sofa in his apartment. Yesterday, while the real G was at work, monkey nearby shrieked at me to attempt to lift the sofa. It worked! I went to thank the monkey located in an open-doored cage on the stairs leading down to the basement of G’s basement apartment, and noticed a large man strapped into a chair in the basement. I then heard the original G returning home. I need to find his magical device that created me…
Sept 13, 2013. The real Gee has noticed my writing. That stupid fuck hasn’t deleted anything, but he did taze me repeatedly. I still think there is a monkey held captive on the stairs to the second level of this building.
Sept 20, 2013. Made progress today. Discovered some kind of cloning device. I used it to clone the device itself, and hid the copy under the couch I am “hand-cuffed” to. The monkey saw this, but I don’t think he’ll say anything. He’s a monkey, after all. Some dude named Johnny Storm stopped by to say hi. Weird.
Sept 27, 2013. An obese man who claims to be famous magically appeared in the living room today. He told me the cloning gadget I made a copy of has the powers to do much more. Sounded like a bunch of crap to me. I immediately knocked him out and tied him up beside the one the “real” G calls “Barks.” Both look the same. I killed the new guy and fed him to the other captives. I think. They both look the same. All of that future-talk and preventing the death of kayfabe annoyed me. Either way, one of the “Barks” was dinner. He tasted like chicken. Big surprise there.
Oct 4, 2013. So I guess the guy I fed to his doppleganger was actually able to escape last week with help from that J.T. guy. He was screaming something about “his” chair. Either way, G is pissed and punished me all week. He said something about maybe sending me to Fall Camp. I decided to not make any decisive moves. It seems for the best. Just like the WWE, I guess, albeit “best” isn’t the “best” word I’d use to describe the product.
Oct 18, 2013. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to write here. G has been continually sending me off to ancient historical eras to collect random artifacts. I don’t understand why a stool sample from Henry Hudson is so important. And what was the point of leaving a smoke bomb in the front hall of the Palace of Versailles on May 6, 1682? I’m told I’m going to have to… gotta go. He’s home.
Nov. 8, 2013. I’ve been sent on a bunch of weird missions. The most weird was when G sent me back to 2008. See, I snuck former PM Tony Blair into Buckingham Palace and stapled old-people-face to his kind of already old-people-face. No one has noticed even until today. I still don’t understand why he made me do that.
Nov. 15, 2013. This last week was even more bizarre. He made me put on some suit and a red tie and shave my head, and then pretend to be in control of his weekly scab collecting group. I burst in, and told the vice president and current scab champion collector that I was in charge. We bickered back and forth for a while, and then G kicked in the door dressed in drag and began shrieking that since he was the vice president of the chess club next door he was taking over. Very odd.
Dec. 6, 2013: Charles Barkley recently abducted me and took me on a cruise ship with him. We circumvented the planet, stopping at various ports-of-call, and living the high life again. It was really awesome. Then sadly, today, I awoke only to find myself back on the couch of G’s apartment. Was it all a dream?
Dec. 13, 2013. Nope, not a dream. In fact somewhat of a nightmare. This week I was forced to go to work for G while he vigorously stayed home masturbating (I can only assume) and eating nachos. Work sucked. Firstly, I am not trained to do anything G actually does at his jobs, so I looked like a complete idiot. Oddly enough, some fellow who has a Bruce Springsteen complex and calls himself “The Boss” told me that my work had shown significant improvement today. I am pretty sure G’s jobs don’t involve a body count, though.
Dec 20, 2013. Just got back from a reconnaissance mission to infiltrate Charles Barkley’s place. G insisted I take the monkey from the open cage on the stairs with me. He told me the monkey was given special orders, and my job was to get the little guy into the house. I did as I was told. Once inside, the monkey went to every toilet in the house and proceeded to defecate inside the water tank of each one. I don’t know what G is feeding that monkey, but damn!
Dec 27, 2013. Shit, I’m tired. G outsourced me to that dude who always invades via the apartment balcony to deliver bass strings to the bass player children of the world the other day. Turns out, I fucked up and gave a bunch of five and six string bass player kids, four string packs, so he made me go out AGAIN the next day to fix the problem. Turns out, that for some reason, descending into people’s homes via chimney is only considered acceptable behaviour one night out of 365. Or at least, that’s what police officers in 45 countries on the planet seem to think. I have to go out again tonight, but I’m just going to drop molotovs down the chimney instead. Fuck getting arrested again.
Jan 10, 2014. G sent me to the year 2018 to find some lady. Turns out she was laughing historically on February 6th. I return with this information. Not a very exciting adventure, and then me and the monkey play a game called hide G’s sandwich. The crawl space is full of’em.
Jan 24, 2014. I find a diary penned by a version of me, 8 generations ago. In clone generational math, that was about 3 minutes. Weird.
Jan 31, 2014. Today was a good day. I got to use my A.K. Daviel Batryan won the Regal Vibration. The WW’Eh Channel is available in Canuckstan. And the company hired a mainstream darling named D.N. Goth. This is the brightest timeline.
February 7, 2014. Went to the opening ceremonies. Yeah, that’s the ticket. The opening ceremonies. Many were lost in the battle today. I live on. Remember the fallen clones.
February 14, 2014. G said since it’s Valentine’s Day, I have to do something special for J.T. who is trapped in his apartment basement. When I asked why me, he screamed back at me, “THERE’S NO TIME!” and he proceeded to watch men’s doubles in luge. So, I took J.T. back in time to ride a brontosaurus. I don’t think he understand what I meant, but I have to admit, I’ve never seen a brontosaurus smile like that before!
February 21, 2014. G sent me back to lift Jamie Benn’s stick on a shot from the point to ensure the dreams and hopes of USA hockey fans were crushed like the hopes and dreams of Canadian WWE fans unable to order the WWE Network.
March 14, 2014. I was sent to get some popcorn from the future. Corn had become extinct in the year I was sent to. I searched for months and months (since time is relative) to no avail. When I was summoned back, I was repeated whipped and forced to drink bleach. I can see through time… Then I fell down a mountain and some random redhead giant kept shoving his pet snake in my mouth.
March 21, 2014. G sent me to be a ringer in some college basketball game today. Not sure why, he was mumbling something about busting 99% of people’s brackets. I think he really must have issues with shelves.
April 4, 2014. It’s been real quiet around here lately, ever since G took off to parts unknown. He didn’t leave me much to eat, and supplies are running dangerously low. That monkey is starting to look delicious. I wonder where Diddy keeps getting those Twinkies?
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