Smackdown 04/11/14By G · · Leave a Comment
Our show begins with a graphic in memorial to The Ultimate Warrior who passed away shortly after his last appearance in WWE on Monday Night RAW. Micheal Cole voice notifies us that this Monday will be a tribute RAW to Warrior.
We’re going to be talking a lot about this on Sunday’s episode of BWF Radio. I will be reading some comments from BWF friends, Joe will read a speech, and I’m sure the others will chime in with memories. So I’m going to leave it at that, and just try to enjoy wrestling. What a week. Rollercoasters man…
“I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. RIP Ultimate Warrior. Sometimes I attempt to write something funny in this disclaimer section. This is not one of those times..”.
– John Cena is out to rant. He has been edited here, as he included a Warrior impression, which was edited out for good taste. Cena addresses the outcomes of WM and RAW. He makes jokes about the crowd singing his theme song with the words, “John Cena sucks”. Then he mentioned Bo Dallas, Paige, Rusev, and Adam Rose. After his comedy shit, he turns on his serious face getting all mad at The Wyatts….
– “They say time heals all wounds, but in your case, it only gives us more time to hurt you,” begins Harper, “Embrace your future…” Then Bray cuts a promo smiling and it doesn’t matter if he lost, because he brought out Cena’s dark side. Bray has his eyes open and understands the big picture, Cena doesn’t. All he has to do is take things a little bit further to release Cena’s inner monster. World. Hands. Great bit, as per usual.
– We’re reminded that The Streak ended on Sunday.
– * Cesaro vs. Big Show. A rematch of The Second Slam Heard Around The World. Paul Heyman enters before Cesaro lauding his new client sans broken ARMBAR trophy. So there goes that theory that he will be carrying it around. The King of Swing gets put over huge. Show shakes Cesaro’s hand to start the match. Heyman joins commentary (i.e. commentary doesn’t suck now). Cesaro goes over the Heyman for advice before the commercial break. Since Heyman is wearing a headset, we get to hear the coach’s advice. “He can’t fight, if he can’t breathe. TAKE HIS AIR! TAKE HIS AIR!”. Fucking brilliant. We return, and Cesaro has Show in a headlock, literally suspended and hanging off of him. This is much of the story of this segment, Show gets Cesaro off him, then the slipper Swiss finds a way to get him back in the hold. Show finally attempts a second rope elbow drop, but Cesaro rolls out of the way! Cesaro goes to set up The Swing, but Swagger runs in out of nowhere, and breaks it up! DQ! Cesaro doesn’t care. Flying European uppercut, another from the top rope! HOLY SHIT! Cesaro lands The Neutralizer on Big Show!!! FUCKING UNREAL!
– Another Bo Dallas promo airs. BoLieve. BOlieve in The Shield? No. No new members. Shut up about that smarks. No nWo murder. 3 members enter, 3 members leave. STFU.
– * RybAxel vs. Los Matadores. Yeah, this is skippable. All I can think about watching this, was nothing. It’s ok, but don’t lose any sleep for it. Curtis Axel picks up the win for his team with a pin on that guy who wears the mask in Los Matadores.
– * Damien Sandow vs. Rob Van Dam. Le Sigh. Two of my personal favorites, in a match. But this does not bode well for Damien who has relegated to Zack Ryder status. These two could actually have a great match if allowed to. Sigh. The crowd is pretty dead for this, merely popping minorly for all of RVD’s staple moves. Sandow gets a little more offence in this match versus Monday. I’ll give this match a pass, but not a “Hall pass” because my name’s in that. Again, not anything to write home about.
– Speaking of writing home, I got a letter in the mail just now. Yes, in Canada the mailman delivers at 11:00 PM at night on Friday. It’s from ThinkSoZombiEJoE Jr:
Dear Big Poppa G,
Why did you send me to Spring Camp in Canada? After that debacle at Fall Camp, I thought you learned your lesson. This place also sucks. It’s still snowing, and there is this Polar Bear pit the camp counselors toss the “bad children” into when they sing Bray Wyatt’s theme song. What’s a Bray Wyatt?
Anyways, during the morning work detail knitting counterfeit Montreal Canadiens jerseys, that angry counselor Whore-Hey told me that my stitching technique was unfitting of young edible child. WTF? He then proceeded to drop his pants and play a mean bass solo in tribute to that time Hulk Hogan played with Metallica at The Silverdome. Or at least that’s what he claims. I told him mean bass solos aren’t the John Cena way, and to BAStar. He told me to learn to spell. I then responded that being a Mean Mark is Callous. He just walked away looking sad while Johnny Cash played in the background. It was really weird. I think he was crying.
At lunch, fellow campmate Mark Noyce called me racist words, and stole my lunch. I think I’ll slit his throat tonight while he sleeps like you taught me. I also dug a neat little pit in our sleeping cells and keep some fellow name Jonny T tied to a chair down there. See, I learned it from watching you! CAN I COME HOME?
P.S. Wrestling is still fake.
This is how you start WM.
– The Immortal Hulk Hogan is here. The crowd pops big for this, which is not Shocking to say the least as Kane has attached Thurman “Sparky” Plugg’s to all of their testicles. Yes, the women’s too. J.T. is seen in the audience holding up a sign stating, “He’s hardcore”. Holly cow! J.T. then holds up another sign, “Check the spelling on “Holy”, Gee!”. I hold up a sign, “Shut up, Daniel Bryan just came out! He’s secretly Darren Young.” Wait, what? Actually this segment is a celibate ceremony for Danny B Bryan Blair honoring his magical week of breaking glass ceiling, brother, dude, brother. He wanted to be like Hogan, and is proud to admit he is a Hulkamaniac and made his own sex tape with Nikki Bella. It airs. Nick phones. Then they do the Hulkster poses and listen to the fans and Bryan just watches smiling his ass off, then joins in on the action.
I am ok with it. Weird, but I am.
– Another tribute video for Warrior to kick off the second hour.
– * Bad News Barrett vs. Kofi Kingston. Barrett calls for a microphone before the match starts and begins his shtick. Just as he calls for decorum, Kofi runs at him, so Wade clocks him in the face. We should start calling Barrett Deadpool. That was pretty funny. Then the crowd chants Barrett for a bit. Kofi gets his energy back pretty quick, so Barrett goes into classic heel mode fleeing. Ultimately, Barrett clocks him again in the fucking head, terminating the former Jamaican and picking up a win in just over a minute.
– We get a stats video of all the stuff used to make WWE without the fans as Daniel Bryan enters the arena with yes chant, but no one is there. They are at the Arby’s roast beef sale, after all. We are then thanked by Arby’s and the annoying redheaded girl from Wendy’s for some reason. I run for the border to get my own official Burger King exclusive Big Mark. In and Out. Just like a Jack in the Box. I-Hop(ping) time?
– An NXT ad runs on Sportsnet 360. I can’t believe how much of the talent WWE is raiding from NXT, Paul Heyman must be pissed. Sure, he’ll have to replace them with luchalibres from AAA and CMLL, but what a… oh wait, that’s a Network problem. I problem I’m not allowed to have because racism against anyone not American. I’m glad Cesaro is not American anymore. 🙂 Plus I know how to pilfer The Network, because in Canada stealing is and enshrined right and part of our constitution which we stole from the US when we burnt it down in the 19th century. Good times.
– * Fandango vs. Santino. Hey! We just saw this on RAW, except, Fandango now uses Layla as his ring fluffer. This is a nothing match, really, just to advance the story of Fandango having a new dance partner. He wins almost immediately and prances off with Layla.
– Diamond-Cutter off to another video, this one highlighting Paige who just burst onto the maincard like numerous confused prepubescent male’s first ejaculation when they watched her defeat AJ Lee for the Diva’s title. There were also streaks involved in that match too. It was a neat little package. Was that what I really meant to say? Cocktalk. Every Sunday on BWF Radio, 2PM EST at boredwrestlingfan.com.
– Clips from Main Event and The Shield, specifically Seth Rollins noting they are prepared for war and have been since day one. There is no bigger threat in the WWE than the Authority, and it’s go time. I join J.T., Jorge, and ThinkSoJoE in the audience and we drink whiskey shots and munch on expired Barrett Barrage Energy Bars, whilst discussing how Team Beta is all grown-up. It’s been a weird week to be a wrestling fan.
Right out of the textbook.
– * The Usos & Daniel Bryan vs. Kane, Batista & Randy Orton. Hmm… What to say… what to say… Maybe I’ve just witnessed too many great matches this week? Maybe it’s because Batista, Kane, and Orton bore the shit out of me more often than not, and this is not WM or the RAW after it? Maybe. Perhaps it was the isolation of both Usos in the corner for the entire twenty minutes? Yeah, the last one is likely the answer. When Daniel Bryan FINALLY gets the hot tag, crowd explodes and he just decimates. This one was pretty cookie cutter. The Usos land their signature top rope dive to the outside on OrTista, and then the heels start tossing faces into things. The referee calls for the bell. The heels beat down the tag and world champ like geeks. Then The Shield runs in to save the day. Rey Mysterio championship booking anyone? Yeah, that’s really the one. Bryan still gets his back on Kane, but in a 6 on 3 situation. Kind of lame. Triple Powerbomb on Kane. Right back to Smackdown formulas, I suppose. Oh well. Some of this episode was really good.
I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.
The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.
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Sept 6, 2013. I am a clone of G. I am currently handcuffed to one of the lower legs of G’s sofa in his apartment. Yesterday, while the real G was at work, monkey nearby shrieked at me to attempt to lift the sofa. It worked! I went to thank the monkey located in an open-doored cage on the stairs leading down to the basement of G’s basement apartment, and noticed a large man strapped into a chair in the basement. I then heard the original G returning home. I need to find his magical device that created me…
Sept 13, 2013. The real Gee has noticed my writing. That stupid fuck hasn’t deleted anything, but he did taze me repeatedly. I still think there is a monkey held captive on the stairs to the second level of this building.
Sept 20, 2013. Made progress today. Discovered some kind of cloning device. I used it to clone the device itself, and hid the copy under the couch I am “hand-cuffed” to. The monkey saw this, but I don’t think he’ll say anything. He’s a monkey, after all. Some dude named Johnny Storm stopped by to say hi. Weird.
Sept 27, 2013. An obese man who claims to be famous magically appeared in the living room today. He told me the cloning gadget I made a copy of has the powers to do much more. Sounded like a bunch of crap to me. I immediately knocked him out and tied him up beside the one the “real” G calls “Barks.” Both look the same. I killed the new guy and fed him to the other captives. I think. They both look the same. All of that future-talk and preventing the death of kayfabe annoyed me. Either way, one of the “Barks” was dinner. He tasted like chicken. Big surprise there.
Oct 4, 2013. So I guess the guy I fed to his doppleganger was actually able to escape last week with help from that J.T. guy. He was screaming something about “his” chair. Either way, G is pissed and punished me all week. He said something about maybe sending me to Fall Camp. I decided to not make any decisive moves. It seems for the best. Just like the WWE, I guess, albeit “best” isn’t the “best” word I’d use to describe the product.
Oct 18, 2013. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to write here. G has been continually sending me off to ancient historical eras to collect random artifacts. I don’t understand why a stool sample from Henry Hudson is so important. And what was the point of leaving a smoke bomb in the front hall of the Palace of Versailles on May 6, 1682? I’m told I’m going to have to… gotta go. He’s home.
Nov. 8, 2013. I’ve been sent on a bunch of weird missions. The most weird was when G sent me back to 2008. See, I snuck former PM Tony Blair into Buckingham Palace and stapled old-people-face to his kind of already old-people-face. No one has noticed even until today. I still don’t understand why he made me do that.
Nov. 15, 2013. This last week was even more bizarre. He made me put on some suit and a red tie and shave my head, and then pretend to be in control of his weekly scab collecting group. I burst in, and told the vice president and current scab champion collector that I was in charge. We bickered back and forth for a while, and then G kicked in the door dressed in drag and began shrieking that since he was the vice president of the chess club next door he was taking over. Very odd.
Dec. 6, 2013: Charles Barkley recently abducted me and took me on a cruise ship with him. We circumvented the planet, stopping at various ports-of-call, and living the high life again. It was really awesome. Then sadly, today, I awoke only to find myself back on the couch of G’s apartment. Was it all a dream?
Dec. 13, 2013. Nope, not a dream. In fact somewhat of a nightmare. This week I was forced to go to work for G while he vigorously stayed home masturbating (I can only assume) and eating nachos. Work sucked. Firstly, I am not trained to do anything G actually does at his jobs, so I looked like a complete idiot. Oddly enough, some fellow who has a Bruce Springsteen complex and calls himself “The Boss” told me that my work had shown significant improvement today. I am pretty sure G’s jobs don’t involve a body count, though.
Dec 20, 2013. Just got back from a reconnaissance mission to infiltrate Charles Barkley’s place. G insisted I take the monkey from the open cage on the stairs with me. He told me the monkey was given special orders, and my job was to get the little guy into the house. I did as I was told. Once inside, the monkey went to every toilet in the house and proceeded to defecate inside the water tank of each one. I don’t know what G is feeding that monkey, but damn!
Dec 27, 2013. Shit, I’m tired. G outsourced me to that dude who always invades via the apartment balcony to deliver bass strings to the bass player children of the world the other day. Turns out, I fucked up and gave a bunch of five and six string bass player kids, four string packs, so he made me go out AGAIN the next day to fix the problem. Turns out, that for some reason, descending into people’s homes via chimney is only considered acceptable behaviour one night out of 365. Or at least, that’s what police officers in 45 countries on the planet seem to think. I have to go out again tonight, but I’m just going to drop molotovs down the chimney instead. Fuck getting arrested again.
Jan 10, 2014. G sent me to the year 2018 to find some lady. Turns out she was laughing historically on February 6th. I return with this information. Not a very exciting adventure, and then me and the monkey play a game called hide G’s sandwich. The crawl space is full of’em.
Jan 24, 2014. I find a diary penned by a version of me, 8 generations ago. In clone generational math, that was about 3 minutes. Weird.
Jan 31, 2014. Today was a good day. I got to use my A.K. Daviel Batryan won the Regal Vibration. The WW’Eh Channel is available in Canuckstan. And the company hired a mainstream darling named D.N. Goth. This is the brightest timeline.
February 7, 2014. Went to the opening ceremonies. Yeah, that’s the ticket. The opening ceremonies. Many were lost in the battle today. I live on. Remember the fallen clones.
February 14, 2014. G said since it’s Valentine’s Day, I have to do something special for J.T. who is trapped in his apartment basement. When I asked why me, he screamed back at me, “THERE’S NO TIME!” and he proceeded to watch men’s doubles in luge. So, I took J.T. back in time to ride a brontosaurus. I don’t think he understand what I meant, but I have to admit, I’ve never seen a brontosaurus smile like that before!
February 21, 2014. G sent me back to lift Jamie Benn’s stick on a shot from the point to ensure the dreams and hopes of USA hockey fans were crushed like the hopes and dreams of Canadian WWE fans unable to order the WWE Network.
March 14, 2014. I was sent to get some popcorn from the future. Corn had become extinct in the year I was sent to. I searched for months and months (since time is relative) to no avail. When I was summoned back, I was repeated whipped and forced to drink bleach. I can see through time… Then I fell down a mountain and some random redhead giant kept shoving his pet snake in my mouth.
March 21, 2014. G sent me to be a ringer in some college basketball game today. Not sure why, he was mumbling something about busting 99% of people’s brackets. I think he really must have issues with shelves.
April 4, 2014. It’s been real quiet around here lately, ever since G took off to parts unknown. He didn’t leave me much to eat, and supplies are running dangerously low. That monkey is starting to look delicious. I wonder where Diddy keeps getting those Twinkies?
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