Smackdown 04/19/13By G · · 1 Comment
Stuff goes here. Hopping time!
“I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. And as J.T. Hogan has observed, it often makes more sense than the program you are actually watching. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question.
– Closed Captioning guy writes the the following for the hearing impaired: “Some jerk is yelling something about a rematch to some other jerk and his boyfriend and/or girlfriend. Some other jerk attacks the first jerk and pretends to toss his leg into some metal pole. Wait, you can see this. After viciously injuring Alberto Del Rio, Jack Swagger takes advantage of the opportunity. Will Jack Swagger’s confidence be his downfall. Holy shit, these other two guys are fat. Why is that guy so pale? Who watches this shit? Good lord, some tanning addict might get a fake fight or something tonight? Fuck this, I’m quitting this job tomorrow.”
I appreciate that some parents still focus on giving their infants a healthy diet.
– No mention of the Boston bombings at the start of SD either (nor on RAW). Impact had a note at the start of their show. Take what ever the hell out of that you want. I’m not going to get too political about this, since people died and that sucks. I would just like to point you to food for thought here:
Look, we all want a peaceful life. Except for the assholes in the world. And nobody likes those guys.
– Fandango’s music hits and he makes his grand entrance. We’re told Fandangoing is taking over the world. The camera pans to one girl doing the dance, then a wide crowd shot of LITERALLY NO ONE REACTING. J.T. is seen in the audience holding up a sign stating, “Good. I told you I hate Fuck Dingo.” After Fandango escorts his dancing girl, he goes to accost Lilian Garcia. She looks like she’s considering filing sexual harassment charges. A lone guy is audibly yelling, “YOU SUCK!” Curtis does some dance moves with her and then calls her terrible, dropping her on her ass. He then goes on about the people butchering his name and mock his dance. Fandango’s momentum is clearly over in North America. Will the UK respark the post Mania RAW magic? That’s next week, so tonight Santino comes out to save the segment calling him a sonuvagun and admits he does have some moves. The crowd pops huge for Marella. I guess the Cobra “wants to Fandingle all through the night” and wants to do the “two step all over your face.” Then Santino mocks the dancer with his own asinine dancing.
Canada forgives you.
– * Fandango vs. Santino Marella. Meme vs Clown match. That doesn’t mean it’ll suck though. Fandango dominates this match, and really gets the first opportunity to demonstrate his move set. Lots of flamboyant little dance and dexterous movements between a kick heavy assault style. Santino gets his energy spot and regular moves in, setting up for a Cobra, Fandango reverses into a forward dip and swings the momentum backwards into a DDT. Nice looking finisher, and way better than the legdrop of future spine damage. Pin and the win.
– Book Mobile T and The Ghost of Teddy Long are talking backstage as Big Show enters, and complains about being put into a handicap match last Monday against Randall Keith Orton and Sheamus. He wants to thank Teddy Long for the foresight to try and protect Show by bringing in Big Mac O’Henry to aid his fellow pudgy pal. Book Mobile T looks furious as Show leaves, and Teddy scoots away like Booker just ate a power pellet.
Fucking Penguin. What a dick.
– * Kofi Kingston vs. Wade Barrett (Champion vs Champion match, but still a non-title match so the WWE Audience can go fuck themselves). Coffee bumbles his way to the ring, with a fresh copy of his new licensing deal with Barrett Barrage Energy Bars for a Java flavored bars, made in the small county of Ghana, Jamaica. The medium sized business owner follows, also with a copy of the agreement. Then they fight, like how all good negotiations of commerce and investment operate. Ringside, I notice a lone seemingly hypnotized man shambling around with what appears to be an ulna of a human. I swear I know that beard…
– Anyways, the two exchange blows, fondles and beat off each other (every week on BWF Radio! 2PM EST!). The crowd isn’t very hot for this action, well maybe 10% of them are. Get it? Get it? Seriously, they’re pretty quiet. Rest spots are probably the reason. It isn’t a terrible match, but not great. Barrett looks to win, BUT NO!!!! Kofi sneaks in a fruit-rollup to pick up the win. Barrett is infuriated, tearing up their contract as Coffee had endorsed the competition with his last minute snack.
I’m so excited for the show!
– We’re reminded of Bic Mac O’Henry attacking Sheamus last Friday and Monday during interview segments. Lesson to Sheamus, don’t do interviews dipshit. Renee Young goes to interview Henry backstage, and take a fucking wild guess what happens. Fella? Boy-o? Lad? Raggimuffin? Yeah, yogurt everywhere as Sheamus attacks Henry. Excitement.
That’s a finishing move.
– * Jack Swagger vs. Alberto Del Rio. Ric-Rod does his thing, still on crutches. Swagger and Coulter make their way out. Looking at the time left on the show, and the time left, I suspect a long match. It starts very slow, the focus being on Swagger looking to reaggravate the injured leg of Del Rio. Meanwhile Ric-Rod and Coulter are battling off the shambling sullen-eyed, ulna carrying man still at ringside. “Fuck,” I say aloud to no one, “I totally recognize that beard.” J.T. is seen in the audience holding up a sign, questioning, “Seriously G? You wrote about this last week!” I write on my television screen with the Jiffy Marker filled with the ink of lies: “Haven’t you read the disclaimer at the beginning of my reviews? It says something about not being able to… umm… something something almost immediately after I do something.” We cut to commercial break.
– Jorge, of BWF Radio fame (still not on facebook, that dick), is tapping on the glass door of my apartment balcony.
Jorge: [mumbling something inaudible through the door] mdjhfiw hweihwoer safhoasjf
G: [lets Jorge in] That was an awesome Roman Reigns impression, man. What’s up this week?
Jorge: Can I watch the rest of Smackdown? I think the attack is off again this week. Can’t find Joe. He just kind of wandered off last week.
G: Sure brother, dude, brother.
[J.T. is seen in the audience holding up a sign angrily, while munching on popcorn and doing whiskey shots: “Stop stealing my gimmick! I’ll have you know I was the innovator of bass playing in Metallica until put over Burton”]
Jorge: What’s J.T. bitching about this week?
G: Who is J.T.? I’m pretty sure that’s the Huckster.
Jorge: Shit! SHIT! That’s Joe right there! He’s at ring side with Ricardo and Zeb!
G: Are you sure?
Jorge: Think so.
G: Still a zombie, huh? I knew I knew that beard, you know.
Jorge: That ulna looks tasty. Now I’m hungry, got anything in the fridge I can have?
G: I think there’s some expired milk and discontinued Coffee flavored Barrett Barrage Energy Bars in there. Help yourself.
Jorge: [goes to the fridge and helps himself, avoiding the cat-piss coated pizza slices] Sweet! Hey, how did Fandango’s package look this week? Nice and plump?
G: I’m sure Rytman has the goods on that.
The Rytman does Bored Wrestling Fan’s RAW reviews each week, and has a great style. Check it out! However, while Rytman is always right, I must admit that this was one of the more candid, funnier moments on BWF Radio last Sunday. Tune in live on Mixlr every Sunday at 2PM or download the podcast on iTunes. These reviews are slightly better when read aloud with the clowns on that show. But you can’t hear an animated gif either. So the best is to follow along with Joe as he narrates to get the reactions.
– This match is a little slow. But not god-awful. Just slow. But it tells a really good story about the heel who just couldn’t get the win after a ridiculous amount of ring psychology. He works the injured ankle/leg of Del Rio all match long, while the valiant Santa-Killing babyface perseveres at moments to stay alive. Sure, it’s a tried, tested and true formula, but it’s done well. Del Rio ultimately slaps on an armbar, but Swagger manages out of it… but right into a fruit rollup for the win. That’s my only criticism. Kofi Kingston is seen in the audience smiling and pointing at J.T. (also in the audience) who is seen holding up a sign, “Fruit Rollups are Wade Barretter than Barrett Barrage Energy Bars. Stop stealing Kofi’s finish. I invented breathing, brother, dude, brother.” Jorge is seen in my living room vomiting up Coffee flavored Barrett Barrage Energy Bars and expired milk like that pie-eating fat fucker in the story Will Wheaton told in the movie Stand By Me (based on the short story, “The Body” by Stephen King). Post match, ThinkSoJoe eats Justin Roberts who isn’t even a part of Smackdown. Why the fuck was he even there? His own damn fault, I’ll tell you what. That boy ain’t right.
– It would be almost a week before anyone knew he was missing.
Needs more tennis racket.
– Some Ryback thing airs. I guess they built it up (or are salvaging it) for a while. Kind of reminds me of the Bully Ray Aces and Eight’s videos they did a while back. The ones explaining how it was all a big plan, while carefully ignoring the logic gaps in the story.
My sentiments exactly when watching Smackdown sometimes.
– A Shield video airs. Transcribing time.
Ambrose: Attention! [snapping his fingers] Monday Night? That was a RAW moment no one will ever forget soon, especially the champ! John Cena.
Rollins: You can’t see me!
Reigns: John Cena, we see you just fine. Payback… is a bitch.
Rollins: You know who else saw you flat on your back, John? Ryback. He watch you. As we dropped you from the sky. A lot of you are probably out there wondering… WHY DIDN’T RYBACK HELP JOHN CENA? Ryback knows how justice feels.
Ambrose: Self preservation. Doesn’t want any more our trouble, doesn’t want to feel justice anymore. In fact… the look on Ryback’s face on Monday… that look on the face of Ryback on Monday, was the same look we saw on the face of THE UNDERTAKER! Two weeks ago, when he was surrounded by The Shield, when we came forth… I was standing three feet from The Undertaker, I looked into his eyes, I know what I saw. We all saw it. IT WAS FEAR! The Undertaker was afraid. The Undertaker was terrified! The Undertaker was surrounded by The Shield and he was scared to death, never been relived, so happy to see his brother Kane and his little buddy. You may be a legend… to some. You may be undefeated at WrestleMania, but The Shield’s undefeated, PERIOD! And Undertaker is not immortal. And on Monday… on RAW… we prove that.
Rollins: Twenty years, Undertaker, you’ve run this place. But there comes a time, when even legends die. Undertaker, your time is up.
Reigns: The hounds of justice run this yard now. Big dog. Believe in The Shield.
Ambrose: Belive that, Deadman! Hey Reigns, what the fuck are you eating?
Zombie Joe: asfklhfkl hasfklhsa hasfklhsaf
Rollins: Isn’t that the ulna of Sign Guy?
Ambrose: Fucked if I know, I Ambrose. Wait, what? Fourth wall?
– Pretty awesome video by The Shield here. Transcribing them is starting to become a bit of a bitch, but I do it only for the best of the best. Usually it’s for Ambrose or Sandow. “You’re Welcome!” I Ambrose.
This happens on facebook in a group I’m in during that promo. Bombings and murder suck.
– * The Mediocre Khali, Hornswoggle, Natalya vs. Primo, Epico, Rosa Mendez. We’re shown video of the two groups arguing over who got to a parking spot first. And then they go to terrible children-aimed booking with the Mediocre Dust Knees doing the “L” hand-gesture to the heels. And then this happens. Let’s just get this out of the way now. Natalya, Primo and Epico are all good workers. The rest are attractions. Pull your brain out of your skull (I recommend using a Skill-Saw on the bone. It’s slow, but effective. Now place your brain on a wooden board, preferably Oak or Ash. Grab the nearest machete, and chop the brain matter up finely. Place the meat into a frying pan at med-high, and stir. Add mushrooms, bok-choy, white-onion, and sprouts after two minutes. Add piss-break-sauce after a minute. Stir repeatedly, as the Mediocre Khali wins with the choke mist of knew dust submission. Or something like that. No fucks given, neither should you. Keep those fucks. Invest them.
Jorge: Hey G, do you know of anyone hiring for a closed-captioning guy? A buddy of mine is looking for a new job.
Jorge: Ahem. [Loudly] G, do you know of anyone hiring for a closed-captioning guy? A buddy of mine is looking for a new job.
Jorge: [SCREAMING] Do you know of anyone hiring for a closed-captioning guy? A buddy of mine is looking for a new job.
G: What? You’re talking into my half-deaf ear, try on my right side…
Jorge: Right man.
How does this end up happening in Shinny? Not a clue, bubba… not a clue.
– * Randy Orton/Sheamus vs. Big Show/Mark Henry. This is going to be at the level of a Savage/Steamboat WM3 showdown for sure. Or at least a Ramon/Micheals Ladder match at WM10. I’m already FFW’ing. The mainevent is about as interesting as… wait. ThinkSoZombieJoe is eating a Make-A-Wish kid. Oh wait, my bad. It’s The Miz. J.T. is seen in the audience holding up a sign that says, “Pattern.”
Jorge: LOL! J.T.’s sign is awesome, I should get on facebook to let him know.
Jorge: Ahem. [Loudly] HE’S HOLDING UP THE WORD “PATTERN”!
G: What? I can’t hear you.
Jorge: [SCREAMING] J.T. IS MAKING A JOKE ABOUT A HOLDING PATTERN YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!
G: What? You’re talking into my half-deaf ear, try on my right side…
Jorge: Didn’t we already do this joke tonight?
Jorge: Charles Barkley.
G: He’s cool.
Jorge: I am still talking on your “deaf” side.
G: He’s cool. Fandango’s penis appears large. Is that what you want?
Jorge: Right, man.
– Yep, tune into BWF Radio every Sunday at 2PM EST. This match is fucking boring.
– I worry about my own penis. Not the size of wrestlers’ units. I don’t know why those fuckers do barbed-wire rope matches. That’s like asking for a barb to the penis. And not that lady named “Barb”, but a metal spike into the penis. Some of the readers of this, or listeners of BWF might be polarized, but this match is a cock-waving contest. It’s good, but all involved are booked strong. Just slow. Like the sweet love that Chef used to bring to a woman before he became a Scientologist on Southpark and they killed him for being part of that cult. No barbs to the wang. There’s major arteries in that thing. “Cock talk”, every Sunday on BWF Radio at 2PM EST. Mine’s on Tumblr.
@Charles Barkley @G: “Go buy my new shoes that came out this week. Nike Barkley Posite Max will make you a better athlete. “
@G @Charles Barkley: “Sounds too much like Pepsi Max which doesn’t take the rust off my car’s fender like good ol’ Coke.”
– They all get their spots in. No one really appears dominant. However, they do let the “A’s” breathe and deliver a great main event. The story just sucks. For in ring action, the big guys work the classic isolation story-line, but if you really think about it, two behemoths make the most sense delivering that premise. As a result, it is visually appealing and a how-to guide to a cliche. Henry ultimately faces Orton, who gets the hot face tag, but the Big Show slows it all down after some drama with a choke slam for the pin, and the win. J.T. is see in the crowd holding up a sign that says, “I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.” I’m not seen in the audience, rather unseen in my apartment, holding up a Jorge that says, “Dude, J.T. just stole your gimmick.” ThinkSoZombie is seen ripping apart the skull of the popcorn vendor, just because. He wasn’t even hungry.
I’ve been demanding to know why for years, and know the truth has set me free. Except it was Derrick Bateman, but still…
– There was a fucking ton of replay clips tonight. I neglected to mention them. But… Let’s be serious for a minute. Damn! BOR-ING! I’m not telling you anything you didn’t already know. But, you already knew that.
The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.
Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet
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