Home ▸ SmackDown ▸ Smackdown 05/02/14

Couch Hopping time? Crazy Ambrose, don’t ever change….

We kick off the show with a HHH injected Shield package. Yes, you read that correctly. HHH always gets his shit in, or gets in other people’s shit, or some nonsense like that. It’s Friday, Chicago just creped Minnesota, it’s going to be a gay old time. Yabba Dabba D’oh! Let’s get this thing started…

“I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. I don’t just do results, more what is going on while I watch the show…”.

Dany… Not the best time for that.

– Now that we’re into the second phase of the Stanley Cup playoffs, there shall be less hockey on my television which won’t bode well for my mental health. More time for wrasslin.

Wow… the times have changed.

– “Kansas City….” poof! Out goes the lantern, in comes the Bayou.

– * The Usos and SheMoose vs. Dem Wyatts. Luke Harper already has the crazy eyes going. I think he is going to try and cannibalize the other team, since they will taste like potatoes, Guinness, and chocolate cookies with coconut. The match is kind of standard, but this is a “Go Away” show for the PPV on Sunday. They tend to maintain a holding pattern. And it’s Smackdown, so it’ll just be matches that really don’t mean much. Sheamus gets his ass kicked a whole bunch, because he’s not on the PPV card. The rest are booked strong. The Usos look to isolate Bray’s underlings, but this ultimately leads to a sneaky hot tag via Bray who Sister-Abigail’s and Uso quickly, and decisively. John Cena runs out post match with a stiletto and begins stabbing random fans at ringside. Then a full moon appears and he turns into a werewolf, howls at the moon! He immediately jumps the barricade, knocking over a few fans in attendance, only to be kicked in the nuts by some fat kid who claims he is a member of The Monster Squad.

– WeeLC contract signing. Hornswoggle and El Torito… this is a funny little thing. ‘Swoggle wants a bunch of things provided for him, playing off the old rockstar green M&M bit. El Torito says something in Bull. Vickie cackles. It’s watchable. They sign, then chaos. Torito hits an impressive 180 splash from the middle of the top rope on 3MB.

– * Rob Van Dam vs. Jack Swagger. Hmm… a point? Not sure. Albeit, Swagger has been decent lately, and RVD is still able to his usual moveset. But seeing that Cesaro is facing these two in a triple threat elimination match, he also makes his way out with Paul Heyman. Heyman joins commentary, much to Zeb Coulter’s chagrin. Swagger finds himself outside the ring, and a neat camera angle picks up Coulter pointing to him at Cesaro, so Jack cheap shots Swagger. This all leads to RVD eking out an easy win over Swagger as all chaos ensues. Cesaro gives the Neutralizer to RVD. Short, but effective.

– * Alexander Rusev vs. R-Truth. Ravishing Russian Rick Lana Rude introduces her fighter, Mr. Sans-Loincloth hailing from Boringvania. To think they are squashing two way more talented interesting guys on Sunday… I’m done with Rusev. Fuck this guy. FFW. Xavier Woods interferes, someone wins, doesn’t matter. Colour Me Unimpressed.

– A Cena video of him granting wish #402, #403, and #404…. PAGE NOT FOUND.

– In all seriousness, hey it’s awesome he does this. But isn’t the best charity the actions you don’t publicize? Just saying, and I’ve said it before. I am glad those kids got to meet their hero. That’s cool. But it comes across as self-serving when we are constantly reminded of it.

Tanning Bed Match on TNA Sacrifice. Storm lost.

– Daniel Bryan is out to address Kane trying to kidnap and Katie-Vick Brie on RAW (and destroying a perfectly good ring, no one ever talks about the fucking ring. BuH GAWD! BUH GAWD! That ring had a family!). He is putting his neck-brace on the line against Kane on Sunday. Bryan cuts a heart-felt promo about caring about families. You know he is alluding to his recently passed Pop. Not making jokes, here. Bryan is deadly serious, and tells us about defending his championship. It’s about family. Good angry promo about Kane attacking his wife, and this is a war! 🙂 Highly enjoyable. Makes you care.

– Then Kane pops up on the Tron, and says Hell is actually pretty cool, and he will give him a guided tour. Then Kane shows us his video skills with a clip package he made with iMovie. That part was as cheesy as Steve Blackman giving head back to Al Snow. Can D-Bry make Kane look interesting in the ring? Doubtful. Oh well.

Looks like fun.

– * Dolph Ziggler vs. Damien Sandow. We’re reminded of the Huge Ack Man spot. And Sandow enters dressed as Magneto once again. He is accompanied by The Scarlet Witch wearing a Quicksilver T-Shirt, Town and Country Shorts, and VANS skate shoes. TSW goes crazy depowers most of the mutants and heroes of the WWE! OH NOES! Sandow actually wrestles in his oversized Halloween costume, and it’s AWESOME! My inner-Marvel comic collector nerds the fuck out for this. It’s short, but fun. Ziggler hits the ZigZag for the win, defeating the master of magnetism for the win.

Fun times.

– * Non-Title Match: Big E {C} vs. Titus O’Neil. Clearly this is not of importance, as it is a non-title match. I skipped it. Big E won of course.

I hated when my roommate used to do this to me.

– A deadly Bray Wyatt segment airs, in which Bray implies that as he exits the cage, he will only take more of them (his Flock, Hiyah Raven, how yah doing?). Inevitably, Cena will be left with nothing but his old heart.

What happened to the ref? HAS THE INVISIBLE MAN TURNED HEEL!?!?!?

– Ambrose makes his unaccompanied way to the ring, as The Shield does a classic, pumping their pal’s fist and exiting like two proud parents letting their psychopathic child wreak havoc upon his three foes. A nice throwback. What’s important to note here, is that Ambrose now currently holds the longest tenure of US Champion in the WWE brand version of it. So regardless if they flip it, buddy has made a stake on his claim to this record. Furthermore, he cannot be upset that his team does not have his back as they are barred from ringside.

Good to know.

– * US Title Match: Dean Ambrose {C} vs. Ryback vs. Alberto Del Rio vs. Curtis Axel (Fatal Fourway Match). Looks like they are giving this one 20 minutes. And Lillian Garcia has to introduce ADR in Spanish, because they are both… fuck it. Seriously? The announcers call out Ambrose not defending his title often, and this shit gets underway. The three non-title-holders all group-rape Ambrose to start. And they tos

– Ambrose gets tossed out of the ring, and the three turn their attention to each other. Big mistake. Ambrose now recovers on the outside of the ring as they beat the Mr. Hankey out of each other.

Shake it.

– I’m torn on this match. Ambrose is epic. ADR is solid. Axle is a good hand and technically sound. Ryback is, there. It’s not a terrible match, but I have investment issues… as does the crowd. They are lively whenever Ambrose is active, and that’s about it. Near-falls abound. Lots of spots. I’m just too tired to type. Axle can’t crawl across the ring to save his life, and Ambrose flies into the ring to roll his sorry ass up to preserve his title run streak. Post match, The Shield runs in and fucks shit up. Everyone dies. ALL OF THEM. Earth is now only inhabited by The Shield and other flora and fauna. DO YOU FUCKERS BELIEVE NOW?

– P.S. Batista has to leave to promote his Marvel movie and shit. The Shield goes over. Bank on it.

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

I land my finisher, the “Delete Recording” and call it a night.

Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet

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WTF?

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Sept 6, 2013. I am a clone of G. I am currently handcuffed to one of the lower legs of G’s sofa in his apartment. Yesterday, while the real G was at work, monkey nearby shrieked at me to attempt to lift the sofa. It worked! I went to thank the monkey located in an open-doored cage on the stairs leading down to the basement of G’s basement apartment, and noticed a large man strapped into a chair in the basement. I then heard the original G returning home. I need to find his magical device that created me…

Sept 13, 2013. The real Gee has noticed my writing. That stupid fuck hasn’t deleted anything, but he did taze me repeatedly. I still think there is a monkey held captive on the stairs to the second level of this building.
Sept 20, 2013. Made progress today. Discovered some kind of cloning device. I used it to clone the device itself, and hid the copy under the couch I am “hand-cuffed” to. The monkey saw this, but I don’t think he’ll say anything. He’s a monkey, after all. Some dude named Johnny Storm stopped by to say hi. Weird.

Sept 27, 2013. An obese man who claims to be famous magically appeared in the living room today. He told me the cloning gadget I made a copy of has the powers to do much more. Sounded like a bunch of crap to me. I immediately knocked him out and tied him up beside the one the “real” G calls “Barks.” Both look the same. I killed the new guy and fed him to the other captives. I think. They both look the same. All of that future-talk and preventing the death of kayfabe annoyed me. Either way, one of the “Barks” was dinner. He tasted like chicken. Big surprise there.

Oct 4, 2013. So I guess the guy I fed to his doppleganger was actually able to escape last week with help from that J.T. guy. He was screaming something about “his” chair. Either way, G is pissed and punished me all week. He said something about maybe sending me to Fall Camp. I decided to not make any decisive moves. It seems for the best. Just like the WWE, I guess, albeit “best” isn’t the “best” word I’d use to describe the product.

Oct 18, 2013. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to write here. G has been continually sending me off to ancient historical eras to collect random artifacts. I don’t understand why a stool sample from Henry Hudson is so important. And what was the point of leaving a smoke bomb in the front hall of the Palace of Versailles on May 6, 1682? I’m told I’m going to have to… gotta go. He’s home.

Nov. 8, 2013. I’ve been sent on a bunch of weird missions. The most weird was when G sent me back to 2008. See, I snuck former PM Tony Blair into Buckingham Palace and stapled old-people-face to his kind of already old-people-face. No one has noticed even until today. I still don’t understand why he made me do that.

Nov. 15, 2013. This last week was even more bizarre. He made me put on some suit and a red tie and shave my head, and then pretend to be in control of his weekly scab collecting group. I burst in, and told the vice president and current scab champion collector that I was in charge. We bickered back and forth for a while, and then G kicked in the door dressed in drag and began shrieking that since he was the vice president of the chess club next door he was taking over. Very odd.

Dec. 6, 2013: Charles Barkley recently abducted me and took me on a cruise ship with him. We circumvented the planet, stopping at various ports-of-call, and living the high life again. It was really awesome. Then sadly, today, I awoke only to find myself back on the couch of G’s apartment. Was it all a dream?

Dec. 13, 2013. Nope, not a dream. In fact somewhat of a nightmare. This week I was forced to go to work for G while he vigorously stayed home masturbating (I can only assume) and eating nachos. Work sucked. Firstly, I am not trained to do anything G actually does at his jobs, so I looked like a complete idiot. Oddly enough, some fellow who has a Bruce Springsteen complex and calls himself “The Boss” told me that my work had shown significant improvement today. I am pretty sure G’s jobs don’t involve a body count, though.

Dec 20, 2013. Just got back from a reconnaissance mission to infiltrate Charles Barkley’s place. G insisted I take the monkey from the open cage on the stairs with me. He told me the monkey was given special orders, and my job was to get the little guy into the house. I did as I was told. Once inside, the monkey went to every toilet in the house and proceeded to defecate inside the water tank of each one. I don’t know what G is feeding that monkey, but damn!

Dec 27, 2013. Shit, I’m tired. G outsourced me to that dude who always invades via the apartment balcony to deliver bass strings to the bass player children of the world the other day. Turns out, I fucked up and gave a bunch of five and six string bass player kids, four string packs, so he made me go out AGAIN the next day to fix the problem. Turns out, that for some reason, descending into people’s homes via chimney is only considered acceptable behaviour one night out of 365. Or at least, that’s what police officers in 45 countries on the planet seem to think. I have to go out again tonight, but I’m just going to drop molotovs down the chimney instead. Fuck getting arrested again.

Jan 10, 2014. G sent me to the year 2018 to find some lady. Turns out she was laughing historically on February 6th. I return with this information. Not a very exciting adventure, and then me and the monkey play a game called hide G’s sandwich. The crawl space is full of’em.

Jan 24, 2014. I find a diary penned by a version of me, 8 generations ago. In clone generational math, that was about 3 minutes. Weird.

Jan 31, 2014. Today was a good day. I got to use my A.K. Daviel Batryan won the Regal Vibration. The WW’Eh Channel is available in Canuckstan. And the company hired a mainstream darling named D.N. Goth. This is the brightest timeline.

February 7, 2014. Went to the opening ceremonies. Yeah, that’s the ticket. The opening ceremonies. Many were lost in the battle today. I live on. Remember the fallen clones.

February 14, 2014. G said since it’s Valentine’s Day, I have to do something special for J.T. who is trapped in his apartment basement. When I asked why me, he screamed back at me, “THERE’S NO TIME!” and he proceeded to watch men’s doubles in luge. So, I took J.T. back in time to ride a brontosaurus. I don’t think he understand what I meant, but I have to admit, I’ve never seen a brontosaurus smile like that before!

February 21, 2014. G sent me back to lift Jamie Benn’s stick on a shot from the point to ensure the dreams and hopes of USA hockey fans were crushed like the hopes and dreams of Canadian WWE fans unable to order the WWE Network.

March 14, 2014. I was sent to get some popcorn from the future. Corn had become extinct in the year I was sent to. I searched for months and months (since time is relative) to no avail. When I was summoned back, I was repeated whipped and forced to drink bleach. I can see through time… Then I fell down a mountain and some random redhead giant kept shoving his pet snake in my mouth.
March 21, 2014. G sent me to be a ringer in some college basketball game today. Not sure why, he was mumbling something about busting 99% of people’s brackets. I think he really must have issues with shelves.
April 4, 2014. It’s been real quiet around here lately, ever since G took off to parts unknown. He didn’t leave me much to eat, and supplies are running dangerously low. That monkey is starting to look delicious. I wonder where Diddy keeps getting those Twinkies?

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