Well first off, before we get down to the wrestling… unless you’ve missed it… there are five wrestlers who you will not see on Smackdown tonight (or any other WWE broadcasting) as they’ve been future endeavored. These would be Melina Perez, Gail Kim, Vladimir Kozlov, Chris Masters, and Harry “DH” Smith. Of the lot, I wouldn’t be shocked to see at least on of these people show up in TNA at some point.

Let’s get onto Smackdown then, shall we? Looks like we’ve got seven matches on the slate, which is fine by me.

-* Sheamus vs. The Great Mediocre Khali. Jinder Mahal gets his entrance theme over Khali here, in lieu of the simmering storyline where Jinder has some blackmail related to Khali’s sister. I can’t remember the last time they’ve referred to that angle, but that’s the whole shtick. This match is what it is, c’mon it’s the slow, plodding, lumbering Khali. Sheamus carries the thing on his back. Sheamus takes a nice bump from the top ropes as Khali counters the Irishman’s… umm… I don’t remember anything in particular Sheamus is known from from that position. Sheamus lands the bro kick, Khali does the Pun-Job-i, fella.

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Raistlin Majere stands idley by as his brother-in-law Caramen gets beaten. Nothing from Jinder to help… nothing.

– * AJ vs. Natalya. Hmm… I’ll give AJ this, she’s enthusiastic. I’ll give her credit for that, but this little twig is likely to get snapped by the goddess Natalya. It is story of two faces, respect and all that crap. Smiles, we’re going to have a fun little bout! Josh Matthews tells us that Natalya has been mentoring/training AJ. That can ONLY be a good thing if true. Natalya should train pretty much ALL the divas. Seriously. Natalya puts this one to bed quickly with a Sharpshooter and submits AJ. HEEL TURN! Natalya then beats the hell out of AJ post match… sort of like the Beth Phoenix angle with Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly on this past Monday Night RAW. “Beth Phoenix, I’m with you sister. The day of the cute little princesses is over!” declares Natalya.

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This is how a real female wrestler responds to “Take it off!” Yep, she rips your fucking head and upper torso off!

– Rarely seen Matt Striker interviews Randall Keith Orton backstage about his feud with Captain Charisma, Christian. Randy is all monotone. Yawn.

– Cut to clips of Justin Gabriel’s return home to Capetown, South Africa. Nelson Mandela promptly puts him in jail for being white. Just saying. That country needs to heal… maybe wrestling will help? I’d like to think so.

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Nelson Mandela @G: “You watch fake wrestling! FOOL!”

G @Charles Barkley: “Wait… what? Sigh… I can’t hate on Mandela. You are awesome dude. I just wish people would stop judging others over superficial bullshit like skin colour, or tastes in entertainment for that matter. Either way, I got hated on by Nelson! Woot woot!”

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Nelson Muntz @G: “Ha ha! A true legend of peace and open-mindedness called you a fool!”

– * Daniel Bryan vs. Tyson Kidd. Wade Barrett joins commentary. He finds it thoroughly disgusting that Bryan is going to WrestleMania when he plans on cashing in on his Money In the Bank briefcase. Commentary is ignored as the two high flying talents light up the ring. This is a great match up!! Bryan looks to botch a suicide dive on Tyson, but it becomes evident as a psychological element. Tyson heeltastically works his injured knee. Commercials….

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I don’t think this would be my own reaction to being skewered, but what can you do?

– We return to action with Tyson dropping a kick into a rope-suspended injured knee of Bryan. Booker T says something, but I can only understand him 10% of the time (right Eric Bischoff?). Daniel drops a sick looking missle drop kick from the top ropes to the “mug” of Kidd! Then sells the injury as hurting himself too. I love when high spots are sold like this! Tyson recovers and places Bryan in a half-Boston Crab, but to NO AVAIL! So Tyson bites into a Slim Jim (R.I.P. Randy) and spring boards the ropes into a nice looking elbow drop. Tyson’s inner-Tajiri kick sequence is reversed, and Bryan locks in the Labelle Lock, and Kidd can take no more and is submitted. Daniel Fucking Bryan for the win! Great match! 124390801347 out of 129830 stars. 🙂

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I like playing video games. I like driving. This is awesome!

– WOO, WOO, WOO… You know it! Personal assistant to Theodore Long, Zach Ryder is coming out. Because he is an internet “darling,” McMahon tells Cole to call Ryder a moron. Meh. Cole needs an optional mute toggle when I watch. Booker T is somehow vastly superior. Ryder is interrupted by Big Zeke Jackson (current I.C. Champion? I guess). Zeke’s a little choked about being booked in a handi-capped match versus Cody Rhodes and Ted Dibiase last week. “Mr. Jackson, I believe the term is ‘sour grapes,'” declares Cody who interrupts the talky talky accompanied by Ted Jr. Cody claims to resurrect Ted’s career, but Zeke points out that he is being used, and knows the score. He calls his belt freedom. They want a match, Ryder says do it. Teddy dances his way out, tells Ryder he is NOT the asst manager, rather his personal assistant and cannot make matches. So Long books Ryder in a match RIGHT NOW between Ryder and Jackson with Cody/Ted banned from ringside…

– * Non-Title Match: Ezekiel Jackson {C} vs. Zack Ryder. Long instantly teleports backstage to watch the match. WTF? Is Teddy Long Dhalsim now?

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Eat it Cammy.

– Zeke more or less immediately locks Ryder into the Torture Rack and submits him. Zeke for the win. What is this? International Submission Week? Fuck sakes. That NXT Aksana (spelling?) Diva is back, but she dyed her hair black and is wearing some kind of S&M clothes. She wants Long’s personal number, to which Long obliges. I smell non-PG sexual implications here. This is the NXT competitor who is most famous for stating, “Let me Entertainment You.” I don’t know how to spell her name properly, nor do I care.

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Wrestling and cartoons… I remember going into some shit dive bar in East Vancouver and noticing wrasslin’ on the tube… the burnt out waitress called it Looney Tunes. Yep. This Ani-Gif is about right. Be happy I didn’t put some twisted Euro-Trash porn image here. BTW, Elmer Fudd is in our main event…

– * Mark Henry vs. Vladimir Kozlov. Ok, I lied. Kozlov made this episode. For all of one minute. Henry kills him. Match over. Henry wins. Post match, Henry gets a chair, wraps Kozlov’s leg within, and drops Kool-Aid all over it. This sets up the injury angle and perhaps we will see him again in some capacity. Sheamus runs in for the save, a little too late mind you, as Sexual Chocolate walks away happy to still be employed and pushed.

– John Morrison with his 60% injury recovery, is seen flipping about backstage. He’s in the main event tonight. No particular brand, will hold his body down. Too bad his girlfriend got fired today. Zing? Yep.

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Sorry Melina. Should’ve been smarter on the Twitter, huh? I’m sure Batista will have a spot for you in his MMA career… oh right, my bad.

– Sheamus tells us he will beat Henry because he has the luck of the Irish because he has a horse shoe jammed up his ass. Yes. He basically said that. I’d prefer a watch, Christopher Walken style.

– * JTG, David Otunga & Michael McGuillicutty vs. The Usos & Trent Baretta. I don’t know why this one is happening, but have no complaints. It’s been a rather WRESTLING heavy show. The Uso’s do their traditional Samoan dance intro with a new hip-hop song. They had lots of vinyl and turntables and auto-tune available back in ancient Samoan culture. Micheal Cole begins crying and whining about being a tool and distracts from the action. I want to mute my television… Not much here, the former “New Nexus” and JTG win in a rushed match.

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Yep.

– Johnny Curtis is back, with another cliche segment. This time “The writing is on the wall.” He shows us… next week he will actually wrestle in a match. I’d think this guy will meet up with a more specific wrestling cliche known as the “glass ceiling.”

– Matt Striker returns for another throw-away interview with Christian. This one is far better as Christian calls bullshit on the people backstage wanting Orton the champ… but then!!! CRAZY R-TRUTH IS HERE! He notes his semblence of opinion with Christian being a target of conspiracy, and to not let the Little Jimmy’s win. They’re going to get got. Fucking brilliant! I want to see a Miz/Truth/Christian faction.

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There is some many reasons this gif is awesome. Burn him Spidey!

– Sin Cara is to appear next week, even though it’s a few days short of his 30 Wellness violation. Well I guess the WWE told GLAAD that his homophobic comments were not an issue since his contract was up, so hey? DRUGS FOR ALL! I choose marijuana and beer personally.

– * Christian and R Truth vs. John Morrison and Randy Orton. Truth and Morrison are on loan from RAW, and will be subject to late fees if not returned on time for Monday. I’m not a fan of this. Ideally all of these guys should be separated to sell Summerslam. Morrison is being sold as returning from an injury via Truth, and the Orton/Christian program is teetering towards the end. We get a bunch of brawling until commercials hit… and money is poured away on free TV. Meh…

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I searched for “stupid dumb” at gifsoup.com here. This is what I got as my number one result. It reminds me of when I was 14 or so, and my basketball team lost two of our better players due to a similar pyrotechnic amateur stunt. See these two fellas thought it would be cool to cut the tips off of “strike-anywhere” matches and place a massive pile of them in a Mason Jar. Their plan was to toss the Jar-o-Fire later for a big explosion. But, the friction of dropping the heads of such matches literally blew up in their faces, hence costing my team the season. Fucking stupid. Even after 20 years, I blame them for that. DUMB.

– Our match continues… Christian is seen beating down Mr. Slow Motion Morrison, keeping his parkour style in a pickle. They tease the hot tag reversal, but Christian will have none of it, and opts to show Morrison the truth (that his Twitter-friend Melina get got a la employment) and setting up Ron Killings for some killing, BUT NO!!! Morrison hits a sick 180 flip splash to counter and suddenly we get Orton and Christian! TOO EARLY! BOO! YOU ARE NOT CONVINCING ME TO PAY $45 FOR YOUR PPV! Don’t get me wrong, these guys put on some great action, but since I’ve seen this multiple times, you need to tease me. Orton looks to punt Christian, but is corrected with the Truth! REVERSALS AND SPOTS EVERYWHERE. CAPS LOCK!! NUMBER LOCK TOO! 123456789. After a shmoz of sorts, Christian lands an Unprettier on Orton as a result of a Truth distraction for the win! Captain Charisma runs away, and in the words of Micheal Fucking Cole, “He just Got Got.”

– Final Analysis: Watch this episode. With all my stupid gifs, and smark bullshit… well, this was a great episode. Enjoy.

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The Impact Wrestling logo comes up, and I’m out.

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I am desparately trying to save the best thing in wrestling since the original One Night Stand. Colt Cabana, you’re my only hope!

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This iMPACT Review Appears on Three Sites!

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Bored Wrestling Fan


A break down of various professional wrestling programs and events from the eyes of the smarky fan! I highly recommend checking out the BWF!

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Wonderpod Online


The official home of Wonderpod, and an assortment of content ranging from all things wide and far… depending on what the author’s feel like writing about. A home for reviews, commentary, pop culture, and fiction just to start. Always worth a look.

BTW, Actually
These reviews started off in a place called Project Wonderboy, a site that shares the name with it’s original founder, “whatever.” But this incarnation was under the Morphine Nation banner. That site is now evolved with all it’s original members at BTW, Actually. This place is all about challenging censorship and political correctness in an intelligent way.

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Shameless Plugs!

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The Cultural Revolution (TCR Comix)
Al Creed’s comics dominate tongue and cheek humour here.

Wonderpod
A weekly podcast about the world of video games, from player experiences to current events in the industry, Bruce McGee, Pat Man, and Gun Sage provide insight into the medium for any gamer (whether casual or “pro”). Clicking the jump will take you to the iTunes page!

LarG Productions
An online music production project, free tunes spanning many genres… check it out!

Thinksobrain
ThinkSoJoE’s band, who is also the boss over at Bored Wrestling Fan. For those digging some sweet metal influenced, intriguing tunes… you really need to grab yourself an earfull.

3 Comments

  1. You do realize that you refer to IMPACT Wrestling several times in your outro to this article, yes?


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