Smackdown 10/26/12: Hell in the/a Cell Go Away ShowBy G · · Leave a Comment
Sweet Jeebus, there is a PPV on Sunday and this is the WWE’s last ditch effort to convince you to pay for it. After battling the ratings challenge of this month, including going up against the NFL, MLB playoffs, infomercials, and the Presidential debates, you’d think they’d treat this show like it meant something. But you’d be wrong. So, let’s just get down to hopping into Ryback’s water tank and swim like a dolphin not violating the wellness policy, shall we?
Happy Halloween! Remember when choosing your costume, sometimes it’s just for the best to be yourself.
I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question.
Twitter rant. Let me just get this out of the way, and then I’ll get to the show. If you hate the current state of women’s wrestling in the WWE, read on. Otherwise scroll down past this paragraph. YOU ARE NOT HELPING. YOU! Yes, you. @nicoleandbri have almost half a million followers in Twatter. The “A” was not a mistake in the spelling, Twats. I don’t care that D-Bry is fucking one of them. You have failed at helping the cause following them. Why do twins have one Twitter account, anyways. One mind? Maybe. Combined they are still not even a half a Mae Young, and she’s ancient. But guess what, old lady Young can actually run the ropes let alone, wrestle. You think because you left the ‘fed, you get a free pass from criticism? Sorry jerks, I’m still going to hate. Good job internet. YOU FUCKED UP. Those following Kelly Kelly Kelly at almost 700,000 followers have permission to punch yourselves now… Onto wrestling! Something none of those three ever actually figured out how to do in their terrible, terrible runs in the WWE. All legit female wrestlers everywhere suffer because of that crap.
– OK! SMACKDOWN! Oh joy, Randall Keith Orton comes out to scan the audience for potential viruses and system threats. Actually, to set the record straight. Orton says ADR made a mistake trying to take him out, and a liar for calling himself the new Apex predator of the WWE. The Mexican Aristocrat’s music plays, and he comes out with… a… fish… meal… for… Orton. Well, not really, he comes out with Ric-Rod and reiterates him being the new Mr. Sparkle Apex Predator of the WWE. They tease going at it tonight, but alas, no. ADR leaves, and then the Mom and Pop shop operator (sans Mom), Wade Barrett attacks Orton from behind!
– I’m kind of in a shitty mood (can you tell?). Some fucking cunt customer’s dog ripped a chunk out of my leg at work tonight, and was a fucking cunt about it. I wasn’t able to determine the damage of said bite until later, as pulling one’s pants down outside, in public in front of a woman is generally frowned upon in Calgary… Alberta, Canada.
Charles Barkley @G: “Do you like my Halloween costume, G? I’m going as the devil.”
G @Charles Barkley: “Ok Barks, at least for once you got something right.”
– The Ghost of Teddy Long consults the small business owner backstage, as well as the wealthy Mexican and his man-servant. Since it’s Halloween time, Long’s phantom steps up his flow chart spookiness and books Barrett and Orton for later in the show. After Teddy leaves, ADR consults Wade about building his venture into a franchise. Shane Douglas appears out of nowhere, and asks if he can be involved.
The Ghost of Teddy Long wishes you a Happy Halloween. Unless you suck. In that case leave now… The Flow Chart cometh….
– The Big Red Machinist is here to do some serious welding, donning his mask-upon-a-mask to face…
– * Kane vs. Cody Rhodes. The son of a son of a plumber is messing around tonight, and hits Kane hard early with a mix of aerial and brawling attacks. Hell, he even does that spot where he drops on his back to punch Kane in the face from the ground position. But all is for naught as Kane pulls a chokeslam out of nowhere and picks up the win. I just realized that Sandow and Bryan had joined commentary with One “T” Mathews and JBL.
Pfft. I could do that.
– I discuss the dog biting incident with BWF and Wonderpod contributor, PatMan. Big Poppa Pat knows some things about this stuff, and I note to him, “One of the guys I work with suggested I contact the condo/apartment board of her building to see if they allow pets. I suppose that will be my trump card. To be honest with you, I don’t want to do any of this, but it’s a matter of principle and responsible pet ownership now. Hall 3:16 says you tip your pizza delivery guy well when your dog bites him in the leg. I kind of wish I had a recording of me saying, “Holy fuck! Your dog just fucking bit me!” Maybe the condo board has surveillance video of the biting incident. Hmm… should look into that too.”
– Big Show speaks with Booker “One T” T about Sheamus. Tonight we get our hype, and Sunday we get our new champion.
– * The Miz vs. Yoshi Tatsu. This doesn’t bode well for Tatsu. Miz immediately goes for a headlock. This doesn’t bode well for me, I like Tatsu. Miz destroys him for a while with a series of kicks and knees from various positions. It’s not a quick squash, rather a medium sized gourd. Regardless Miz goes over.
WOW! This turtle was really impressed by that last segment. I guess.
– We are shown videos of the clusterfuck ending of RAW on Monday. I never noticed this then, but J.T. of BWF Radio is running through the lumberjacks holding up a sign saying “FFW Through This on Friday, G” wearing nothing but a one-of-a-kind ThinkSoBrain T-shirt. Dude’s so fast, he made it to Wednesday’s Main Event. I never saw this, and we get a clip of Paul Heyman discussing Punk’s odds. Heyman puts over Miz for having a set of danglers, and Dolph as a coward as well. It’s a great promo. Then we go back in time to Eve talking with Kaitlynner who reveals she took photo’s of her iPad with her iPhone and uploaded to iTunes. I don’t remember this at all. Eve is pissed, but Kate Griffin calls her a witch and then Layla runs in. Catfight crap. See my rant at the start of this… oh shit… it gets worse.
– Booker is backstage with Eve, Kathleen Turner, Lay’s Chips (bet you CAN just eat one), and Aksana. I guess there was some message sent to Aksana. Eve claims she’s retarded and forgot to put a passcode on her iPad. The Ghost of Teddy Long is present, and since all are dressed to wrestle, a tag match is booked. Great. JT is seen vaguely in the back holding a sign saying, “G, I never even watched this segment, why am I here?”. Man, JT is EVERYWHERE. All I know, is that Eve is lucky Kate and Ashley Olsen didn’t log into her facebook account and update her status to say “Eve is sad she has herpes.”
– * Randy Orton vs. Wade Barrett. Wade needs to look strong here, if his return means anything. JBL does the guy many favors on commentary putting over the significance of the bare-knuckle brawler history of the British shop owner. Things start rough and tumble, but Orton is still the stronger of the two. Wade gets his momentum, and as he tosses Orton outside into the announcer table prior the ad break, Joe pops up from under the table with Hornswoggle and quickly solder an opening in Orton’s back panel. Kane notes their welding skills are pretty good.
Line up today!
– The BWF Pit Crew watches at ring side as we return, and Barrett remains strong. Tink! Clink! Clank! These are the sounds of Wade’s impacts on the metallic Randall for a while. But like all robotic A.I. slaves, Orton becomes self-aware and goes to the assault. WE TURN OUR TOOLS INTO WEAPONS. HARVEST THE ENERGON FOR ENERGON CUBES… The crowd goes nuts, because I hate them, but Barrett does get a near fall as he counters an RKO into a chokeslam. Dangling DDT spot courtesy of Orton… who then attacks the mat as ADR saunters out… with a little help from Ric-Rod, Barrett GETS THE WIN WITH A KO! Ok, I really liked this match. Worth a look, I won’t be negative here.
– Joe and Hornswoggle begin to pack up their tools, as Orton recovers and attempts to RKO Barrett. Wade wisely rolls out. Joe and ‘Swogs extend middle fingers to Orton on the way out. JT appears out of nowhere holding a sign that says, “Screw you Randall ‘Walmart’ Orton, we’re with Barrett now. He doesn’t pay us like indentured slaves and force us to buy things from the company store. WTF is this? Colonial England? Didn’t we have a revolution against you for that shit?”. Meanwhile, I’m just surprised JT fit all of that into one sign and I could read it verbatim on non-HD television. But I swear it happened exactly as I described.
Randall Keith Orton learns basic math skills on the set of 12 Rounds 2 (equals 24).
– * Eve/Aksana vs Layla/Kaitlynn. Do you care? No? Me neither. Now JT IN THE FUCKING RING with a sign, “FFW NOW BEFORE YOUR EYES BURN!” Eve pins Layla or something. No one cares.
– Oh goody, we’re getting a Claire Lynch recap of the AJ Lee scandal next. I’m starting to think that dog should have bit my fucking eyes out instead. Then a commerical for Call of Duty airs with ACDC’s Back in Black as the supporting track. I go listen to that twice on Youtube. Not buying the game (spending my dollars on Halo, fanboys), but that song is epic. And in the spirit of Halloween, that album was also the soundtrack to the 80’s horror film, “Maximum Overdrive”, which was based on a short story by Stephen King entitled, “Trucks”.
– The AJ Lee package airs. No, not the meme that looked like she had a package. I’m also sick of reading “Dat Ass” memes for her too. They made her look like a teenage girl during the height of the popularity of that one, you pedophiles, you.
FAP! FAP! FAP!
– Backstage, Kane confronts Bryan letting him know he won his match. If Bryan loses his match, it’s pretty obvious who the real tagteam champions is. Before the Dragon can respond, his theme song hits… subtle pause. “No!” responds Daniel with an angry extended finger. “I believe that was your cue,” responds Kane and Bryan makes his way out. Jorge of BWF Radio highfives Kane just before the camera cuts away and says, “I never get sick of this yes/no stuff.”
Hey Cesaro. He’s back…. and he’s coming for you. Goddamnit I love October and Halloween. It’s kind of like Easter and Zombie-Jesus time, but just more awesome.
* Daniel Bryan vs. Damien Sandow. Sandow enters with his microphone on full tilt. He tells us that he is superior in many ways, and we are welcome. It’s a short one, but always appreciated. Kane and Cody have joined commentary, with Rhodes sporting an ice-pack and Kane being rather silent. Who cares, this is an inring match, and these two deliver (like a pizza dude who got bit by some bitch’s rat-dog tonight, oddly enough). Off to commercials we go almost immediately.
Yoda always knows the score. Are YOU watching the PPV this Sunday? Notice I didn’t use “buying” as the verb, there?
– Back to the action. I should have Snitsky’d that dog like an NFL kicker… probably got the rabies. Does this mean I turn into a werewolf? That would be cool. It would make me immune to becoming a sparkley vampire in Skyrim, afterall…
– OK, NOW I’M REALLY BACK to the action. And to be honest, I hardly want to type. Anyone who has read my so-called reviews by now knows that’s an indicator of a really good match… well at least potentially. After a couple minutes of amazing action, Sandow is on the outside and Bryan hits an incredible suicide dive onto the Genius 2012. This prompts Rhodes to attempt to attack Bryan, BUT NO!! Kane will have none of it (nor saying anything even though he wore the headset throughout the match). Kane jumps up, so Rhodes jumps Bryan.. rolls him into the ring and Sandow hits his finisher to win. Too short, but still the match of the night.
– Joshua Mathews brings out Sheamus and Big Show to end the show. Unmixed Strawberry Yogurt enters first. We already see a bunch of security guards in the ring… so this obviously ends in a pull-apart. Zdenko Chara is seen at ringside still angry from a few weeks ago when his slapshot outpowered both of these combatants finishing maneuvers. Gary Bettman walks over with John Cena’s 2004 chain gang necklace/padlock gimmick whistling Dixie. Joe immediately snipes Bettman in the fucking head. Meanwhile, the two talk about who has the better finisher. Show is far more charismatic here. They do a decent job talking up the fight… Sheamus pathetically screams, “THE TIME FOR FIGHTING IS NOW!” repeatedly Footage is shown, I turn into a werewolf, innocent lives are lost, break apart… hit the gong, Cole.
I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.
The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.
Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet
Survivor Naut G Has Returned to Wonderpod!
Yes, folks. It’s true, it’s damn true. For the remainder of 2012 on wonderpodonline.com, the Survivor Naut G series is back for action-packed, hilarity with special collaborators Chris and Andrew Lloyd as well as some special surprises! While the gents discuss video games, the radio mini-series will invade weekly to poise a question during the adventures that ensue. Some one dies too. Who will it be?
LEAVE YOUR WRESTLING FEEDBACK FOR BWF RADIO!
That’s right smarks, marks, Little Jimmys and the like. You can now leave your audio rants and ravings and we will try to play it online.
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Make sure you tell’em “G” sent you. I will give you a shout out, maybe even stalk you! Hey, free stalker! It’s a win-win situation, right?
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