Smackdown 11/02/12By G · · 4 Comments
Coming off a stinker of a PPV, the WWE has decided to try to salvage the product. In all fairness, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and it would appear that almost every single member of the IWC is visually challenged. That’s the P.C. way to say fucking blind, right? Just kidding, most of that PPV sucked. Let’s see if Smackdown gets the same treatment. It doesn’t cost $45-55 either! Hopping time…
Best Cubito Aequet ever.
I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question.
– Our show starts off with a highly edited segment profiling the Brad Maddox screwjob from Hell in ONE CELL MATCH ONLY Cell PPV is shown. It’s rather amusing, and follows up what happened quite cleanly.
– Miz TV time. Miz is talking controversy about AJ’s affair with Dixie Carter, the Brad Maddox going rogue thing, and even who has the most powerful finishing move story between Show and Sheamus. The latter mentioned is our first guest on the show in all his Unmixed Strawberry Yogurt glory. Sheamus cuts the most generic… (Cenaric?) retorts to why he lost his title. Miz takes credit for getting Show into the mental state to take out Sheamus. Big Red takes exception threatening the host, but Miz plans he to regain his I.C. championship and has never been humbled.
HUMBLED, YOU SAY?
If Sheikie Baby was here, he’d call this the fahking rice crispy dick. Is this “the real.”? Who knows, I stole this from someone else who stole it, from somebody else that fell for all the Sandy Frankenstorm social media shit that actually thought it was “the real.” ‘Nuff said. Hey retard, Manatees only exist in Bored Hockey Fan dot com’s universe. They’re all man. Wait, what?
– Miz TV continues, and out comes the Java Master himself, that’s right… Mr. Smile and Point himself, Kofi Kingston. Kofi says virtually nothing… WELLLLLLLLLL… The newly christened World Champion Big Show challenges Miz’ claim to take credit for his title win. Show also questions why he is interviewing the former world champion, over the current champion? Why the fuck is that, agrees Mikey. Show begins to answer, but Sheamus interrupts demands a match tonight. Show heeltastically denies this opportunity. So Kofi tosses Miz outside the ring. He’s a face.
@BWalkerHarris523 @G: “Hey, do you have the contact info for Coffee Kingston? I need to…. talk to him.”
@G @BWalkerHarris523: “No, but Goldie Hawn messaged me with the same info about you. Just kidding, no one remembers that movie either.”
– Dear me, sleep is already setting in. 16 hours of work… I mix up a nice combination of magical elixer that will surely be my, and/or, this reviews doom. DOOM!!!! The Fantastic Four smash through my wall, and immediately go on the attack. “I’M NOT VICTOR!” I scream. “Oh, sorry,” says the Thing and Reed say backing out awkwardly as the Human Torch flies away. Sue might have been there, couldn’t tell you, she’s got John Cena’s gimmick. My apartment is now on fire, unbeknownst to me. Stupid Human Torch.
This person is clearly cool by me… unless they are not handicapped.
– Bug Show is approached by Booker T.T. Boy backstage to congratulate him for his win. He must have The Ghost of Teddy Long in his ear, because guess what our opening segment results in? You got it, FLOW CHART, PLAYAH!
– I try to hang a blanket over the gaping hole in the side of my apartment wall left by the Thing’s not so elegant entrance.
– * Darren Young vs. Sin Cara. D Young and Cara do a pretty good job here. It’s a short match, and nothing extremely significant happens. But both look good to the edited eye of Smackdown viewers with Young picking up the win over Sin Cara.
– I think someone next door is cooking up a nice mesquite salmon. I love the smell of wood burning.
@CorBeTT_TiGer @G: “If you see Kofi, let him know I see right through his “Ghana” gimmick. What a poser. Next time he’s in the Serengeti… it’s on.”
@G @CorBeTT_TiGer: “I’m sure someone in Conneticut is better to talk to than me. Maybe you can find him on XBL?”
– Post match, Titus grabs a microphone and says “just when you thought Halloween was over…” It’s not dipshit, this was taped on Tuesday. Meh, Titus rambles on about dogs (like the little fucker that bit me last week. Got my Tetanus shot on Thursday). They set up another singles match. J.T. photobombs The PTPs, holding up a sign saying “Please donate to buying Titus a calender.” He’s a pretty selfless guy like that.
– * Titus Oneil vs. Rey Mysterio. Not much here. Titus dominates Rey for a while, until Rey gets his opportunity and sets up a 619. Darren Young attempts to interfere, but Cara makes the save. This delay allows Titus to reverse the 619 and toss Rey into the corner. Titus goes to spear him, but eats steel ring post to his chagrin. Rey takes advantage of Dave Batista’s old neighbor (both figuratively, and… well… PG TV folks). Rey rolls up Titus for the win. The two luchas mock the PTP’s millionaire dance at the top of the entrance ramp.
– JBL and “One T” Mathews tell us that Brad Maddox has been suspended indefinitely by the WWE Board of Boredom and will be on board RAW to bore us with… yawn. Something about a nutshot.
@Charles Barkley @G: “Did you know: On Tuesday, October 30, 2012, The Carolina Hurricanes were scheduled to play The New Jersey Devils in the NHL schedule before the lockout, G?”
@G @Charles Barkley: “That’s fucked up, Barks. I looked it up… damn!”
– Booker and his buddy Slimer Long are chatting, and Natty and Otunga both ask about stepping up into Eve’s position while she’s getting her herpes treated overseas. Coffee mug man promptly spills his coffee on my girls chest, gets booked in a match, then spits coffee into the Teddy Long’s face.
– I can hear some kind of loud metal like clanging repeatedly sounding in my apartment hallway. “Fucking bees,” I think to myself and promptly ignore it.
– * Randy Orton vs. Wade Barrett. ADR and Ric-Rod join commentary. We’re reminded of the great bout between the entrepreneurial small factory owner who had to battle his servile robot that became sentient last week. Just as I thought it was over, Joe barrel rolls behind Orton tossing an electro grenade (to take out Orton’s shields), and firing his pulse rifle into the back of the Aphex Twin Predator… IT ONLY SLOWS HIM DOWN. Joe flees, and lives to fight another day. Wade Barrett watches all of this distraction and then ADR runs into to kick the loving shit out of Randall Keith Orton! Sparks are flying everywhere! Officials escort Alberto out of the arena, as Barrett works on some warehouse invoices and we cut to commercial break.
Wait a second Randall. I need to ask you something. Let me just get down from here… hold on… what are you doing? Get your hands off of… oww! I thought we were friends! WTF?!?
– And we’re back, I guess. It’s another stiff match up, with the two battling each other inside and outside the ring, making good use of the guard rail and steel steps into the story. JBL notes this is the rubber match, which Josh doesn’t pick up on. JBL tells him to get with the times, best two out of three. Much of this is carried by Barrett, who might have had his best showing in this series. Barrett looks to finish Orton with a second rope elbow drop. Of course that doesn’t work, seeing as you have to go to the top rope to snap into a slim jim. Barrett attempts this again, but Orton recovers to superplex him from the top. Orton goes for his dangling DDT, and hits it. ADR is back out, taunting the robot, Ric-Rod also distracts. Wade Barrett capitalizes and takes out the automaton metallic man.
RABBLE! RABBLE! STAR WARS! RABBLE! RABBLE! DISNEY! RABBLE!…
– J.T. is seen in the audience with a sign saying, “Umm, G… I know this was taped days ago, but I think your apartment is on fire.” I don’t notice, in fact I don’t understand why this part is even in my review either. Must be the drugs.
– ADR gets interviewed briefly, near catering, until he is attacked by Randall Keith Orton who proceeds to destroy all of the talent and crew’s meals for the day in his assault of the Mexican Playboy and Ricardo. Ric-Rod suffers serious burns in the assault with boiling gumbo/soup and beans being tossed on him. Stryker asks him why he is forcing innocents to starve and more food is wasted as a result. Little kids dying of malnutrition cheer for their hero. Jorge of BWF Radio sneaks in the background and grabs a cooler filled with cold beer screaming, “Where the fuck was Team Friendship this week? THIS IS MY REDEMPTION!”
Fucking a dessert you want from me, finish your peas NOW!
– * David Otunga vs. The Mediocre Khali. Khali shambles his way out to the ring, more out of shape as ever, his knees in a state of perpetual injury. It’s been a while, and harder to watch than ever. Otunga pours his coffee mug filled with the content’s of ThinkSoJoE’s supersoaker filled with motor oil upon himself. Where’s Booker T.T. Boy when you need him? Guess what match I FFW’d this week. Yup. Natalya was seen watching backstage as Khali gets a quick pin. Jennifer Hudson runs… oh fuck it, scrap that nonsense.
“I’m kind of the class clown, I have the reputation for being the fun one” notes Calgary’s own, J-hal[l] of no relation to Goftheinternet.
– WWE attempts to educate us on how social media works. Thanks, Vinnie-Mac. Natalya thanks Khali backstage for fucking up Otunga, and really is impressed by the size of his hands. SHOCKER! You know where they’re going with this.
– * Justin Gabriel vs. R-Truth. We cut immediately to this match without any ring entrances or anything. You, know, because it’s pretaped. Yeah. Whatever, it’s a nice fresh match up. But we’re lucky if we get two minutes. The whole time I’m trying to figure out what in the hell Gabriel was thinking with his new haircut. It’s like some kind of demon spawn of the Bieber, mixed with some Tony Hawk a la Police Academy, done by a Barber inspired by Chris Rock’s performance in Menace II Society. R-Truth jobs Gabriel back to South Africa where he can answer for his crimes against humanity.
– Claire Lynch segments from RAW, Appletini’d and shit segments re-air. Man, that guy cooking salmon next door is really going hardcore tonight!
– Miz meets with Show backstage. Sure they were tag champs before, but tonight Show is his superior. Miz better get in line or get knocked the fuck out.
– There is this banging on my door during commercials. I go to check, and it’s my landlord who begins screaming at me about the gaping hole in the side of my apartment, until some weird guy dressed in yellow and carrying an axe shouts at us to leave immediately. At first I think he’s Jason Vorhees, I mean come on, right? Dude has an axe. He yells back, “No you idiot, I’m a fireman!” I laugh at him and reply, “LOL, the fireman flew off that way with Mr. Stretcho, the Rock guy, and the poltergeist girl.” The next thing I know I am being dragged outside…
* The Big Show & The Miz vs. Sheamus & Kofi Kingston. Well… looks like not only do these guys get entrances… they get more time with them than the last match in entirety. Kofi goes to start with the Miz, but Show smirks a shit-eating grin as he tags himself in to murder him a Ghanian… Kofi tags Sheamus in immediately in a humorous spot. Nothing happens other than that in the first segment.
Sandy is a little bit bigger… BHF might be locked out of NHL content (because bitching about the lockout won’t change anything… even though I will probably bitch about it each week in my reviews). Until then… CHEAP PLUG: BORED HOCKEY FAN.
– We return to watch Show destroying Kofi, and making evil googly eyes with Sheamus. Kofi is the mouse to Show’s excessively oversize, moderately obese Garfield. “Of course that comment is more funny than that comic has ever been,” G notes as he baby punts Odie into the crowd screaming, “THAT WILL SHOW YOU TO BITE ME YOU FUCKING RABIES INFECTED RETARD!” Miz gets into the action only to see his attacks thwarted by the Math Teacher Sheamus, who continues his pledge to teach the children of America math skills. Chaos ensues, with Kofi leaping upon a ring-corner-prone Miz’s shoulders. Big Show hits the WMD on Kofi, while Sheamus tries to run off the giant! Miz pins Kofi for the win!
– I’m told that this so-called “Fire Department” is here to put out a blaze that started nearby my unit. And my landlord is still screaming in some kind of alien language called English. They demand to know what I was doing upstairs. “I was just watching wrestling, and some wierdos dressed in blue spandex ran into my place,” I reply. They look at each other and the Latex-fetish-axe-man sarcastically comments, “You know it’s fake, right?”
I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.
The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.
Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet
Survivor Naut G Has Returned to Wonderpod!
Yes, folks. It’s true, it’s damn true. For the remainder of 2012 on wonderpodonline.com, the Survivor Naut G series is back for action-packed, hilarity with special collaborators Chris and Andrew Lloyd as well as some special surprises! While the gents discuss video games, the radio mini-series will invade weekly to poise a query during the adventures that ensue. Some one dies too. Who will it be?
LEAVE YOUR WRESTLING FEEDBACK FOR BWF RADIO!
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Make sure you tell’em “G” sent you. I will give you a shout out, maybe even stalk you! Hey, free stalker! It’s a win-win situation, right?
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