Smackdown 11/30/12: I Liked This Episode. Yes, I Did.By G · · 1 Comment
Hopping time, you ready?
Read between the lines.
I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question.
– TNA Voice-over guy promises some more of Nick Fury and the Shield on the show, The Ginger Bread Man will roll up a fattie using Zig Zags, and some angry tall fat guy will clench his teeth real-angry-like.
– When you drop a bunch of apples in precooked bread you get, “APPLE-DOUGH!” John Cena is here (shout out to TheWrestlingFan.com which I stole that baked fruity reference from, but we’re Bored, not “The”). Cena begins awkwardly kissing all the fans on the way to the ring and is arrested for being a pedophile. End show.
Nom, nom, nom…
– Cena calls Ziggler’s greatest accomplishment being the World Champion (for two minutes) and a bunch of other crap. Intonation rises, intonation falls. Up and down, it’s like a roller coaster. The catch is that I rise above words and totally don’t care. Naturally Alberto Del Rio comes out with Ric-Rod (because they are fighting each other, and Ziggler has nothing to do with Cena’s match tonight… theoretically). Cena Sheamus-ly panders to the
crowd universe. Max Moon is seen shaking his head at this, and that he was made an alumni on WWE.com this week even though Konnan has said recently he wants nothing to do with the WWE. What’s next? The WWE will induct Bruno Sammartino into the HOF without his consent? I mean… oh wait. They might do that. Fuck, I guess these two have a match.
– I don’t know what the rest of you space dwellers get for commercials on the intergalatic cable packages in your area, but during wrestling they keep showing this Samsung phone ad where LeJaBroni James kids put Heath Slater hair on their Dad and the slogan is “The Next Big Thing is here.” Then Mark Out Man loses his shit as Brock Lesnar tosses James into a shallow grave while Kobi Bryant holds up a handful of NBA rings behind him the entire time.
– * John Cena vs. Alberto Del Rio. Cena is in control as we return from the break. But Del Rio heeltastically feigns a back injury and takes control. Alberto then uses the analogue control stick on his joystick to taunt Cena with the You Can’t Seen-ah Me gyration. Ziggler is seen watching a television backstage like all bipedal humans do… standing up. In our final segment (they get two) of this match, Cena looks to regain control but Alberto will not allow it time and time again. I’m all for this, since it really elevates Del Rio. Cena goes to the top rope in desperation but this serves for him to eat a fantastically executed parkour-esque Shining Wizard courtesy of ADR! Fucking sick! Then ADR stupidly jumps from the top into a lazy looking drop kick by Cena. An Attitude Adjustment is reversed into an armbar, and then immediately into a STFU but Del Rio gets his foot beneath the bottom rope. Near finishes ABOUND follow, EGAD! Epic culmination in this match that leads to a Tree of Woe reversal and Del Rio slamming his shoulder into a steel ring post and taking a top rope leg drop and Superman picks up the win. Jorge notes that at least Cena didn’t play Hogan’s “No Move Power” card from the RAW Deal game. Ziggler takes out Cena post match with the steel briefcase (with Alex Riley still inside).
I got bored on Monday. I hear this game is awesome. Here’s how to make it suck my balls.
– Team Friendship is seen staring at each other angrily as the Neon Mute tells them blah blah blah, guys, blah, happy times. Kane and Bryan put each other over in a funny way. and find agreement that their combined power will show the world how dangerous they can be. They actually agree, and Bryan begins the YES! chant as the two chime in unison walking off leaving the confused Coffee staring in confusion. David Otunga shows up and immediately stuffs the former Jamaican into his mug and drinks him. Coffee bounces like rubber within the digestive system of Otunga for a little while, until he is converted into urine. Kofi performs a high diving risk maneuver from Otunga’s urethra into a pool of water, then submerges through a myriad of tubes until he finds himself in a dark, stench filled hell occupied by alligators and rats (he fucks a bunch of the rats). Fortunately, Coffee is taken under the care of four mutated turtles with ninja prowess and learns the ancient arts of the orient.
– * David Otunga vs. The Mediocre Khali. The camera pans over to JT who’s holding a sign that says “I got a new remote this week so I can fast forward thru this match quicker now” Hornswoggle is here too and Otunga is not impressed. He does feel relieved, since he passed that kidney stone just prior the match he swears was as big as a rubber ball. Sadly, he still is squashed by The Mediocre Khali in record time via karate chop.
– We get some USO show clip shit.
US Trooper is clearly content with the talent that did?
– * Kane, Daniel Bryan & Kofi Kingston vs. Wade Barrett & The Prime Time Players. Jorge and Joe are both see at ring side conflicted. Joe begins doing the Millions of Dollars Dance, while Jorge begins yelling YES! NO!. The heels, already in the ring, stare in disbelief at these two in the crowd wondering what to do. Immigrant migrant laborers, courtesy of Barrett Energy Bars Inc., escort the two metal heads to the back and out of the arena where backstage cameras show the two yelling obscenities and promises to return. Our match resumes in chaos and brawling as we go to our first commercial break.
God gave rock and roll to ME! Put him in the damn HOF with D’Angelo and Lanny. Koko B-Ware is in there. Get over it, McMahon.
– We return, and things have resumed to semi-normalcy in the ring. Darren Young is taking much of the face team’s attacks as Wade and Titus discuss expanding into the Wash Rag market. Titus dislikes Wade’s offer and interferes on Young’s behalf to even out the score. Daniel Bryan reverts to traditional heel-face team roles as the face-in-distress role. After many a beating, Darren snaps Bryan into a bridged-suplex pin attempt for a near fall, but nary a win is had by the youth. Titus is tagged in, failing miserably allowing for the hot tag (because the fire still burns). Kane treats Young like Katie Vick until Coffee Kingston remembers he is in this match. Everything goes to hell in a hand basket and Team Friendship co-operate and Darren Young is ultimately submitted with a No!-Lock. That was a fun match! The red lights illuminate the ring as Sin Cara runs out! JBL SCREAMS AT HIM, “ARE YOU FUCKING RETARDED?!?! THAT IS RED, NOT YELLOW AND BLUE!!! ARE YOU COLOR BLIND YOU IDIOT?!?!” Sin Cara looks down, and says, “yes,” and sheepishly walks away. One-T Mathews tells JBL if he feels bad about that comment. JBL stares daggers into Josh and says, “Nope.”
It’s all fun and games until someone loses a… holy shit, I was a murderer by age 6!
– Jorge and Joe are shown in a random shopping mall loading up on rappel gear and meaningless pouches and utility belts. Joe asks, “We’re just like The Shield now, right Jorge?” Jorge looks at Joe and mutters, “Nope.” They pass Xanta’s Village in the mall foyer, and Jorge tells Joe that they need to protect people from injustice. Joe nods and he pistol whips some random kid sitting on Santa’s lap who asked for a Laser-Tron pass. Joe mumbles as he walks away, “Hit’em hard early, that fucking punk had a glimmer of hate in his eye. Now back to invading the arena.”
– * Damien Sandow vs. Tyson Kidd. Uggh… I fear a squash here, and honestly, I don’t think even Sandow wants to see that happen (because secretly he knows how talented Kidd is and how difficult it is to make the main roster, but I digress). Sandow is now going to do a gimmick to select one member from the audience to be his apprentice. This gimmick could lead to a new wrestler joining the roster eventually. BUT NOT TODAY! Sandow picks some dude in a Yellow Punk shirt and quizzes him. How many wheels on a tricycle, How often does the US government hold elections, and What is the orbital velocity of Jupiter’s moon Europa. The mark gets the first two right, but drops the ball on the third and gets the retort, “You ignoramus, the answer is 13.74 kilometres per second. Congratulations! You have embarrassed yourself, you have embarrassed your family, and you have embarrassed the entire state of Louisiana. You’re…” The crowd boos for the Cheap Heat (Hiyah, Cassidy, how yah doing) BOOO!!!! “SILENCE!!!” continues Sandow, “You’re public display of ignorance is surpassed only by that ridiculous haircut, leave my ring… you are dismissed. Leave the ring, leave this arena, leave this town, leave this state, leave the United States of America…. WAIT!!! Wait!…. You’re welcome.” Fucking awesome! I’ve been saving you all space on the bandwagon since day one, but that privilege will be revoked soon enough. Hop now, or forever go to hell.
@Charles Barkley @G: “I still think I could take out Manny. Hell, I could eat him alive.”
@G @Charles Barkley: “Slow news week, huh, Barks?”
– Well, that took a whole segment. No criticisms from this here, G. Let’s try this again: * Damien Sandow vs. Tyson Kidd. Tyson Kidd has found his baby oil, which makes sense considering the gas and oil industry is the dinosaur life blood of the good province of Alberta… Canada. Joe mutters backstage (in cognito) about hauling around all this motor oil if Orton isn’t going to be on the show. Kidd does get some spots in, but sadly his job is to job, so he jobs. He get’s signed by the Phoenix Coyotes to play at Jobing arena, only to realize he is jobbing out an NHL lockout, which is mediated by US Federal officials who also job to the NHL Owners and The Bettman. That resolves nothing, so the zombie Steve Jobs rises from the grave and jobs out Apple-fan-boy/girl’s wallets by adding a new sticker to the next iPhone/Pad/Pod and they buy it. Jobs asks, “Who is the real zombie now?”
Admit it. When this happened you thought, “Oh fuck, here we go again. Which fan gets beat up this time?”
– Dolphry Dolph Zigg-Dolph is interviewed backstage by Matt Stalker backstage. Ziggler is pissed about being the best in the business today while being overlooked. He’s got a point here, and cuts a fucking great promo about no respect. The zombie Rodney Dangerfield rises from the grave and refuses to job to no one. Zombie George Carlin pats him on the back, and the two walking dead away talking about how awesome CM Punk was on the Talking Dead last Sunday. Community chick was kind of retarded. CM Punk set the all time guest high score in the trivia challenge.
They will all receive heavy metal albums too. This might make sense in a couple of seconds….
– * The 3MB vs. The Usos. The Uso’s Samoan Chant segment is not aired (or didn’t occur), but they are still referred to as the kin of Ol’ Ripple Ass Rikishi, so maybe we shouldn’t read into that too much. The 3MB’s get their full entrance, and JBL notes, “We get a karaoke band and a hair band.” I’m not sure which is which, but I’m FAR more interested in the 3MBs these days. The camera pans over to JT who is on his phone texting. He stops looks at the camera and then lifts up a sign say “I’m trying to remember my Skype password so I can use it on my phone.” The announcers begin talking about ZZ-Top and Justin Bieber… umm… ok. We get a fast paced match that is designed to put over our pseudo-rock band. While the injured McIntyre is at ringside, he still stage dives and gets involved to fuck up the twin-magic, hence stealing their Magic deck, replacing all of their cards with Jorge’s stack of RAW Deal collection. Every card is one of Hogan’s no move powers cards. They fuck up their shit, and my by Jinder Mah-Hall (from Calgary, Alberta… India) picks up the win over the curb-stomped US-O’s (get it? LOL. Tribute to the Boots, more like it). J.T. is seen in the audience holding up a sign that says, “I don’t give a fuck if they baked RVD with a turkey and a Jeff Hardy stuffed inside of it on a car, Mythbusters has jumped the Shark. Hey Uso’s, stick a fork in you, you’re done.”
– Dolph walks out for the main event as we don’t mind if he cut’s in for the mainevent. Johnny Curtis remains to be seen.
Sheamus, he’s a face! Cyber bully? What a goof.
– * Dolph Ziggler vs. Sheamus. I neglect the first segment to discuss a possible fucking hug interview for the BWF with my brother in arms, Cassidy Haynes of Cheap-Heat. The match is ok, but I’m kind of off wondering about the end of the world in December. Those fucking lazy Mayans. Sheamus and Ziggler return in the second segment and of course Ziggler is selling like crazy while Unmixed Strawberry Yogurt keeps forgetting he is hurt. Kindly, he does remember to teach children at home how to count even the it’s too fast for the referee to pick up on the numbers. This match is ok. But it becomes a shmoz. Big Show interferes, as does Jonathan Cena. The match, I think, is ruled a DQ on Sheamus’ behalf as the heels walk away. G is shown in the audience holding up a sign stating, “J.T., where was Orton? I thought you PM’d me on facebook that Orton showed up? WTF?”. J.T. turns to me, holds up his own sign saying, “Shut up G, I wasn’t smoking drugs and drinking. I probably FFWD’d through the show and missed almost all of this.” G grabs a Sharpee Marker and whips up a sign stating, “No worries, bro.” Meanwhile Jorge and Joe both are staring at each other wondering what all of the Shield crap teased at the start of the show was all about. They return their attack products to Home Depot with their heads hung low upset they could not attack the Orton Initiative. Nope.
I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.
The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.
Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet
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