Smackdown 12/14/12By G · · Leave a Comment
Fucked up news week. Toronto monkey in a suit, Manny KO’d and lifeless for minutes, Bieber murder/castration plot, Syria, Egypt, Prank call gone horribly wrong… and sadly the mass shootings in an elementary school. I’m kind of dejected to say the least (and battling a headcold from last week, still). Maybe some Smackdown can lift my spirits.
I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question.
– After New Japan voice over guy tells the story of Das Shield, we cut to Josh “One T” Mathews and JBL who are already joined by Cesaro and Sheamus on commentary.
Gimme gimme gimme.
– * Big Show vs. R-Truth. This is a domination of Truth, by The Big Show. Truth sells the lumbering Show’s strength, bouncing immensely for the man. At one point Truth is laid out outside by Cesaro who stands up from his chair, donning a shit-eating-grin, going to get some cheap shots in. Sheamus steps in front and throws the Swiss US champ back into his announcer chair. Cesaro must have fucked up his right hand as his pinky and index fingers, as well as his wrist, are taped up. Big Show destroys Truth with a knock out punch and picks up the win. J.T. is shown in the audience with a sign that says nothing. Signs don’t talk, idiot. Written on the sign is, “So I’m supposed to take Truth as a legitimate contender because dot dot dot question mark.”
– Post match, Show mocks SheSellsSeaShellsMoose about being a little bitch, and it rather amusing. See Sheamus “bumped” into Show and violated the non-contact clause. You know what else is rather amusing? This:
– Show confronts Booker T(eddy) and demands that the match be called off for him being touched by the filthy Irish face. No deal.
– Mr. Damien Sandow is in the ring, once again in search for his apprentice… which he likens to trying to find a needle in a, “disgusting, sweaty, vile, knuckle-dragging, mouth-breathing, monosyllabic, haystack.” Sandow is thrilled to reintroduce to us his tagteam partner, and best friend, the mustachioed Cody Rhodes. Jorge elbows Joe in the ribs from their secret hiding place backstage, asking if he thinks the mustache is the second coming of Rick Rude. Joe hushes him as he pulls out some blue-prints. You didn’t see that part on television because I snuck into the production trucks at WWE and edited it out… meanwhile, Rhodes gets on the microphone and talks about how The Miz is a complete waste of our time and how Rhodes Scholars is as strong as ever. Then the Usos come out to interrupt and get jobbed out.
Take a sip, Devon.
– * Team Rhodes Scholars vs. The Usos. This match pretty much serves to remind us how awesome Team Rhodes Scholars are as a tandem. The Usos do get their little power burst, but their inability to find real cutoff jeans (as opposed to the latex ones they wear that are yellow and have back pockets PAINTED on) allow Sandow to roll up… oh… let’s say Jimmy for the win.
– Big Show consults Legal Attorney at Law, Coffee affectiundo, about the contract he signed. Coffee Mug Man says Show has a case, and off they go to seek out Booker T or something…
– An amusing Tribute to the Troops ad airs with the State of Florida (the vortex of the average American’s I.Q.) and Miss Piggy. J.T. is seen behind holding up a sign that states, “Where’s the other crack-addict musician from this year’s WrestleMania?”
Merry Christmas Hornswoggle!
– I just realize that Smackdown is live on Tuesday next week. I might not get to that immediately. I’ll get something up by Friday. Too early to… once again I am being choked out while I type. A familiar voice whispers, “G, I don’t pay you good money for slacking off. You. Will. Write. It. On. Tuesday.” I slink down into my computer desk chair, breathing heavily. Joe’s right you know, he doesn’t pay me good money. I notice Jorge staring daggers into me outside on my porch for a second before he hits something on his utility belt and shoots out of my view like Silent Bob in Mallrats.
– Big Show is in the ring with his legal console, addressing the violation of his contract. Gary Bettman and Donald Fehr watch on with eager anticipation of the ruling. Otunga demands that the chair stip be pulled from the match at TLC, and also that Booker T is fired. Booker enters and says the contact is based not by the letter of the law, but the spirit of intent. Otunga notes that just because Booker has been to prison, it doesn’t make him a legal expert. ZING! As the banter goes on, Sheamus brings out a chair and says if the match is called off he will attack him with a chair right now. Show concedes to the Face.
Up there with most wrong meme I’ve ever reposted.
– Joe and Jorge stealthily sneak up behind the interview set where Matt Striker is set to interview Randall Keith Orton. Jorge points to himself, his eyes, makes a two gesture, taps his right wrist, and points around the corner. Joe nods and ducks down as not to be detected on the HUD radar. Moments later, he drags two unconscious WWE security guards behind the backdrop of the set. Jorge has loaded a small cannon with precious high octane motor oil and moves into position. Joe makes a fake call to WWE central security that all is well…
– Matthew Von Strikingburg is nowhere to be seen as it appears that Orton has been shot by a massive oil missile and is put through a table. Joe and Jorge high-five each other shouting about their master plan coming into fruition. A whirlybird drops in Team Beta, The Shield, who continue to beat on the broken Randall Keith Orton as Joe and Jorge are already gone… like a wisp of fog in an old forest at dusk… or some poetic crap like that.
– * Kaitlyn vs. Aksana. Funny, everything between these two seemed to be all happy smiles and sunshine on RAW during AJ’s skippy-fun-time segment. Are they attempting to get the worst match of 2012 award from BWF Radio (check out this Sunday for our awards show). J.T. is holding up a sign, it reads: “Make like the Flash, G!” Good advice. This match is one very long headlock, I guess. KaterLion wins or something. I think Aksana was knocked out by an inert gas like neon.
– Matt Striker reports outside the WWE trainers room that Randall Keith Orton sustained
a wrist injury at the Tribute to the Troops taping concussion at the hands of the Shield. From down the hall, I distinctly hear Jorge yelling, “WE DID IT! WOO!!!” If hand gestures made sounds, you would hear Joe rubbing his hands together like The Million Dollar Man and chuckling.
– Miz TV time. Great. This is going to be death. Being not one to shy away from controversy (or the ability to think on his feet), Miz is having 2/3 of the Shield’s opponents this Sunday out. Team Hell No make their way out. Never heard of them. Team Friendship kicks them off the entrance ramp and takes their place. Daniel Bryan cuts a great promo about being in Anger Management for months about his rage, and this week he is going to unleash on the Shield until they beg for mercy, to which he will reply “NO! NO! NO!” Kane notes they will use tables, YES! (Bryan), ladders, YES!, chairs, YES! The Shield pop up on the trinatron via smartphone camera with a nice little retort. TF call them out right now, and The Shield agree. The Miz is thankfully already gone. Phew, his Mark Henry Stank has been banished. The Shield are seen entering the top of the lower tier steps to attack, but Ryback runs down to back up his buddies. The Shield look reluctant to enter the fracas, and walk off. That was pretty fun.
– * Justin Gabriel, Tyson Kidd, Hornswoggle & The Mediocre Khali vs. Prime Time Players, Epico & Primo. The heels get no entrances. Natalya is on the arm of Khali with her fakest smile possible, secretly knowing her best years are being wasted away by this type of shit booking. For some reason, Hornswoggle gets to chop Titus, so Titus kills him and tags in Young who bullies the little guy and gets crotched. Justin Gabriel turns into a werewolf and runs off immediately (because I don’t remember seeing him in this match after the entrance. I notices him hanging with the Queen of England on TMZ later. His hair was perfect). Kidd flies into the match… etc. You get the idea. Move, tag, move, tag, move, tag, and so on. Mendez is flipping out at ringside as Jorge uses a gadget in his utility belt to attempt an upskirt shot, but it is accidently stepped on by Natalya who tosses the Puerto Rican to the floor. “THAT COST ME $500, G! YOU’RE ALSO FROM CALGARY, SO I BLAME YOU FOR MY PERVERSIONS!!!” Meanwhile, Tyson Kidd ekes out a roll-up pin for his team on a random Colon, and everything becomes a clusterfuck. I don’t think Khali was even tagged in. I don’t know what this really accomplished, and it sure as hell didn’t convince anyone to slap down hard earned money for the PPV. Joe is actually seen in the audience, stealing J.T.’s gimmick, holding up a sign noting, “Jorge will actually try to bill you G. He claims not be online, but it’s a ruse. If you don’t write that Tuesday Smackdown review, I’ll give him your home address.”
@G @Charles Barkley: “Did you hear? Sheikie was talking shit about you on Twitter.”
@Charles Barkley @G: “I’ll break that man’s back, fahk him in ass, and make him TURRIBLE. The Real.”
– Does Shinedown write songs that are not for WWE? Are you sure? Once again, they provide the themesong for this Sundays PPV. It’s called, “Generic PPV Song #512.” I think they release them linearly.
– * Kofi Kingston vs. Alberto Del Rio. Ric-Rod earns his living, in grand fashion. We should just make a best personal ring announcer award for the BWF Radio Awards (THIS SUNDAY!) and give it to him. This looks to be pretty good, so I’m just going to enjoy my Lime Crush 7-11 Slurpee (laced with three shots of Smirnoff) and indulge in this bout… Our first segment of the match is intense, as both men attempt to gain control of the other. JBL does a fantastic job letting the audience know the brevity of the situation for Kofi, who has Mid-Sized Business owner looking to outsource Barrage Energy Bars Inc. into Ghana, and virtually demoralizing Kofi by employing his family in his growing network of sweatshops. Justin Gabriel has been employed by Barrett as a special business consultant as we go to commercials. Well, what happened was that one man was lying down outside the ring, while the other was lying down inside the ring. Because it’s commercial (see: REST) time.
Looks like Randall Keith Orton is up to no good at the drive thru again. This time, he’s in Canada, eh?
– WE’RE BACK. As is my indulgence. Coffee manages to “somehow” kick out of a pin attempt due to the assault that occurred when the TV audience was off grabbing beers, chicken dinners, or themselves. Or maybe that was just me. I make my own all natural ranch dressing from scratch… anyways… Del Rio is playing the dominance card for the remainder of much of this segment. After what is a fine match, Kofi reverses Del Rio into a roll up (yes another one of these) for a cheap win. Post match, Barrett runs down to discuss opening up factories in Mexico with Del Rio, and Kofi lays him out. Man, that wasn’t cool.
Don’t fuck my food either. That grey stuff on the wall? Yep, it’s you.
– Video recaps of the illogical and confusing storyline of Vickie’s problem with two consenting single adults relationship of Cena and AJ… the subsequent bullying of Vince McMahon on Vickie punishing Ziggler’s ability to entertain… and the MitB ladder match this Sunday. JBL proclaims this stipulation as wrong. All four of us at BWF Radio are seen nodding our heads behind the play-by-play table.
– William Regal chums it up with his pal about Sheamus’ Brogue Kicking Otunga earlier tonight, chap. Sheamus is clearly a sociopath. Regal humors him but kind of smirks and looks concerned at the same time as Unmixed Strawberry Yogurt EXUENTS stage left after making threats of maiming Paul Wight with a steel chair. Fuck. I’m not saying anything else. :/
Nor was a fuck given on this day, either.
– * Sheamus vs. Antonio Cesaro. You want a hard hitting brawler match? Well this looks to be the case. Cesaro interests me far more, personally. But Sheamus holds his own. Cesaro dead drops Sheamus “like a sack of sugar” according to JBL at one point. FUCK that dude is strong. We get our moves of doom throughout, but I don’t even keep track. This is a great main-event. Watch it. Sheamus forfeits himself in the bout via countout as he notices Big Show has beaten down William Regal with a chair by the entrance ramp and goes to make the save.
– Overall, this was a fucking great Smackdown. You’ve got to realize I went in with my head not in the game, and not really wanting to try to be funny being ill and considering some sick fuck murdered a bunch of kids today in a workplace environment… well, a workplace environment that let’s just say I can relate to. Thank you WWE for letting me escape and not think about it. My condolences to the families in Connecticut and all parents and teachers out there. I’m not a religious man, but I hope that fucker burns in hell while being forced to eat his still-attached-testicles the entire time. Sorry to be a Debbie-Downer… BUT FUCK! Seriously. Needed to get that out.
I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.
The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.
Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet
Survivor Naut G Has Returned to Wonderpod!
Yes, folks. It’s true, it’s damn true. For the remainder of 2012 on wonderpodonline.com, the Survivor Naut G series is back for action-packed, hilarity with special collaborators Chris and Andrew Lloyd as well as some special surprises! While the gents discuss video games, the radio mini-series will invade weekly to poise a query during the adventures that ensue. Some one dies too. Who will it be?
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