Smackdown 5/3/13By G · · 3 Comments
As I’m running a late today, no intro hooplah, jibbah jabbah, preambling. There shall be hopping however, and that’s your cue.
“I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. And as J.T. Hogan has observed, it often makes more sense than the program you are actually watching. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question.
– WWE voice over guy is absent once again. Not sure why this happens sporadically. But it is what it is.
@Charles Barkley @G: “I hacked Chuck’s Twitter. I also like ribs. “
@G @Charles Barkley: “Shaq-FU. You’re not funny, you’re cliche. I hope Barks “beats you down like a Godzilla.” to quote the Barkley, never more.”
– Hungry Man Dinner comes down to the ring, to explain that he couldn’t tag with Cena to take on the Shield because Cena was injured. In the jungle, the bigger, faster and stronger always eat the weak. Something like that, Ryback rules. J.T. is seen in the audience holding up a sign asking, “Oh I see… Ryback rules… Extreme Rules. What’s the opposite of clever?”
– * Daniel Bryan vs. Ryback. Good lord I have a lot of facebook updates. Glad I did. Gunsage of Wonderpod sent me an animated gif. Meanwhile, Bryan is certainly carrying Ryback to a great match. Bryan bumps like no tomorrow, selling the Ryback’s assault like a true ring general, while also landing his own competitive assault. I’m glad it is evenly booked, and that they gave it a full two segments. The end of Bryan begins with a ram into the steel post outside the ring. The Dazzler attempts to make his comeback, but is thwarted at each twist and turn by powermoves, culminating with a Shellshock as Ryback picks up the win. Great start to SD!
C/O Gunsage. RPG! RPG! Check out his blog here.
– Backstage, Renee Young interviews Ric-Rod about his match with Zeb Coutler. Ricardo mumbles excitedly in Spanish excitedly, virtually saying nothing to my English speaking ears. Alot of people are often put off by my ears, seeing as they have mouths. My left eye has a nose. That’s normal, right?
– As I was changing my laundry, I come back into my apartment and notice Jorge has already arrived.
G: It’s about that time?
Jorge: Yep, that doo doo dah doo thing is coming up.
G: How do you know that?
Jorge: The great Jorge knows all, never look behind the curtain. That’s where I store my pants.
G: The fuck?
– * Fandango vs. Zack Ryder. Before Fandango even makes his way out, ThinkSoZombieJoe shambles out but gets caught in the danglely things at the top of the stage entrance. Fandango moderately avoids him (if that’s possible, fuck the use of adjectives). Zack Hair-Down Ryder is already in the ring because it’s more dead than a zombie. Ryder gets a little bit of an offensive assault, but ultimately jobs out quickly to the ballroom dancer guys Leg Drop of Matt Hardy. Fandango Hulks up afterwards saying his Beyonce. Meanwhile, ThinkSoZombiEJoE has eaten two of the stagehands that attempted to cut him free. Freedom is a lie. We are all captives of the martian initiative sent to enslave humans. Send me money to be a part of the solution.
G: Well, that was quick.
Jorge: No, that was Fandango. Quick plays for the Kings, dipshit.
G: Thanks for not leaving a mess of Ruffles All Dressed chips on my carpet this week.
Jorge: I stowed them in my space craft. I didn’t want to eat out your carpet again. See what I did there?
G: No, the nose on my eyeball gives me vision problems.
Jorge: Well, back to human enslavement operations for me. I need to report to the higher-ups about this Fandango stage prop’s zombie entrapment abilities.
G: Sounds good. Wait… what? What were you implying about eating out my carpet?
Jorge: Nothing. See you in the coal mines, human.
G: What did you mean about stashing all my Ruffles’ All Dressed on your space craft?
– But it was too late, Jorge had already beamed onto his U.F.O. and sped off into the cosmos to enjoy the flavorful adventures of the heavily salted Canadian treat. I shook my fist angrily at the stars, as if they could see me, but alas, my chip stash was gone. I think to myself about how angry I will be at him next week, but realize I will forget I wrote this by next Friday.
Check out this ninja fucking shit. Damn.
– Backstage Kaitlinering is carrying around some flowers from her so-called secret admirer (which is likely a fraud). She runs into The Mediocre Khali and Natalya. Khali apparently gives Kaitliar some advice, but it’s incoherant. Shocking I know, that was the joke. I think Roman Reigns is trying to steal Khali’s spot because he has knees that are not made of dust. Call me a conspiracy theorist, or future coal miner, or a Canadian, or… umm… a ten-fingered man? I’ve lost my train of thought. Meanwhile, J.T. holds up a sign in the audience noting, “G, are you stealing my drunk gimmick?”. I ponder that query as I go to grab some whiskey.
– Did You Know, Last Monday RAW was kind of shitty?
– Some Be A Wish airs. FFW.
– Renee Young interviews Zeb Coulter about his match with Ricardo Rodriguez tonight. Zeb mumbles something in Dirty Dutch Mantell, which my English speaking ears do not comprehend. Actually, Zeb blames his loss on Monday on being ill, but he still went to work as that is what real Americans do. Hmm… I thought they fought for the rights of every man. Still, it was a great promo in which Coulter accused Ricardo of theft but will take actions into his own hands as opposed to going to the police. Yep, good ol’ vigilantism.
– I shot an alien once in a coal mine for steal my stash of All-Dressed Ruffles chips. True story.
J.T.’s worst nightmare. Flippy Floppy moves that increase exponentially.
– * Zeb Colter vs. Ricardo Rodriguez. Don’t expect much, and this match is fun. It’s stupid, and silly, and involves nothing but cartoon spots. But there is always room on the card for one of these. Ziggler, A.J. and Biggie Smalls are hanging out on commentary. Swagger and Del Rio are at ringside. They get involved quickly ruling for a DQ win for Ric-Rod? You know, it doesn’t matter… The Ghost of Teddy Long is holla holla holla’ing his flow chart out and making it a tag match. Haven’t seen that in a while, playah.
– * Zeb Colter/Jack Sparrow vs. Ricardo Rodriguez/Albertosaurus (From Calgary… Alberta, Canada). This will probably end with a Team Swagger run in. I hope AJ lands her patented 720 degree top rope spinning piledriver into a cross-face crippler move! That move is sick. This is really a Swagger/Del Rio match disguised by putting half the roster over, but Team Swagger run in immediately as we return causing yet another DQ. So, flow chart time again, holla! Now it’s a fucking triple threat match.
– * Zeb Colter/Jack Sparrow vs. Ricardo Rodriguez/Albertosaurus (From Calgary… Alberta, Canada) vs. Dolphry Ziggler/Biggie Smalls. Fuck sakes. Now this is just silly, Teddy Long books it into a Fatal Fourway tagteam match including the audience as the fourth team! Did they rehire Vince Russo or something? J.T. is seen on the ring apron reaching out his hand to get tagged in. Much of this match is about how Ziggler has the edge with Biggie Smalls as his tag partner, but once he finally tags the champ, Ziggler eats a Super-dick, and then ADR continues to shred-rape the opposition, clearing the ring. ADR jobs out the champ with an ARMBAR! More on this, on Cocktalk, after the game. Stay tuned! Our special guest on this Sunday’s BWF Radio (2PM EST) live on Mixlr is a mystery, right man?
Evan Bourne returns as a Jedi Master to face Henry the Hutt.
– A great Shield promo airs. It’s pretty slick, but due to time this week, no transcription. Sorry folks. They plan on taking out Kane tonight. What’s important is that when they drop their camera, you can see Daniel Bryan laid out in the background.
– * Randy Orton vs. Damien Sandow. FUCK! WrestleMania season is over, and they’re jobbing out Sandow to the robot? Bullshit. The match hasn’t happened yet, but you know I’m cynical to start. Maybe I should start reviewing the NHL playoffs on Friday instead. They don’t even give Sandow a microphone. Fuck this, Team Alpha, ENGAGE! J.T. immediately sprints across the half eaten skulls of the audience (ThinkSoZombieJoE has been busy), but is tackled by security! NO!!!! The roof of the Joe Louis is vaporized as Jorge and newly recruited alien defenseman, Nick Lidstrom engage with WWE security. They manage to vaporize a few hundred of them until being taken into custody by some Men in Black. It’s all up to ThinkSoZombieJoE, who is seen standing in a corner… but sadly, the Blair Witch gets him. “JOSH!!!” I scream at my television, “WHERE ARE YOU!!!!” Some girl in my tent is crying into a flashlight, with snot bubbles dripping everywhere. I kick her out into the darkness, and never see her again. Oh well.
This is all true. Not being on TV for a year or so will do that.
– This match gets two parts, so at least it’s not a squash. Team Alpha has fallen, but maybe things change in the edited replay? Maybe you should buy it to find out? Sandow does have a good showing here. But that showing ultimately just to feed a robot. That sucks, Orton sucks, and quite frankly the WWE Universe sucks for continuing to root for the bland style of Randall Keith Orton. Where’s the new season, WWE? WrestleMania is fucking over! Dangling DDT spot on Sandow, and all that Jazz (who was an entertaining Autobot). Not Orton, he’s not even a Trash Bot.
– Big Show comes out post match, and questions Orton’s ability to be a team player at WrestleMania. He notes his selfishness at WrestleMania got him KO’d because he refused to tag in Show. This distraction gives Sandow a chance to attack the robot from behind, and Big Show forcibly cackles. Show will have his revenge at Extreme Rules. J.T. holds up a sign in the audience noting how excited he is about this match. So excited, in fact, he didn’t even have time to write anything on said sign.
– Matters, Family interviews Kane about the condition of Urkel being slaughtered by The Shield. Kane doesn’t even answer the question, rather talk about battling the Shield. It’s serious Kane. Oh well. The match should be good.
I don’t care that this is really old. Like Jim Cornette is famous for saying, “Funny draws money.” I might have missed a word in that quote. Doesn’t matter… missing words never change the meaning of a good quote.
– * Mark Henry vs. Sheamus in an arm wrestling challenge. Potato sack race next week? Lame. Henry wins, “That’s What I Do!”. Sheamus asks for a rematch with his left arm, calling Henry Opie (I think, who fucking cares, Sheamus is lame too). SheSellsSeaShellsDownByTheSeeShore goads on the Angry Flavored Kool-Aids man (yes, the “s” was intentional). Henry reluctantly agrees, and Sheamus acts like an arse delaying things. Once they finally go “Over the Top” and park their semis, Sheamus punches Henry in the face with his right hand and cold-cock-talks him in the face. This segment sucked. Post match, the parked semi trucks would become sentinent and go on to try to murder Emilio Estevez and Yeardley Smith at a Truck Stop in the 1980’s with the aid of other machinery. While they would be saved by a rag tag bunch of hockey misfits and the Flying-V, Yeardley would leave Herman’s Head to voice the iconic Lisa Simpson, but Estevez would like have been shot and killed by fictional Pat Garrett in Young Guns, and his career would be repossessed by Men at Work. Estevez’ corpse would randomly travel through time to record hits like “Down Under” (Hiyah, Chris Cooley, How yah doing?) and serve time with a group of high school misfits that met for a morning meal under the care of Richard “Dick” Vernon.
Wade Barrett’s response when asked what the relevance is of the I.C. Title.
– * Kane vs. Dean Ambrose. Frankly, this could be good. They brawl hard, as that is how Kane operates. Ambrose has certainly separated himself at “the one” from The Shield. Rollins, and maybe even Reigns, might do so as well… but seriously, matches with both Brothers of Destruction on two back-to-back episodes? Clearly, the WWE has chosen the “It” factor of the group, and I couldn’t be disappointed in the slightest. Ambrose bumps hard for the libertarian, and thus, does the 46 year old right. This is a great match, and while Kane seems to have the edge, you’d be wrong. Edge left the WWE a long time ago, so clearly Kane loses to Ambrose with an unnamed finisher. It’s pretty much a DDT forwards. The Shield, at ringside did interfere, but really, this was a solid win by the heeltastic Ambrose.
– Post match, Team Beta go to swarm the ring. The invaders are too beat up to initially, but ultimately manage to out-number the Birthday Boy.
– Good start, good finish. J.T. is seen in the audience holding up: Niklas Backstrom, Valtteri Filppula, Niklas Hagman, Teemu Hartikainen, Jarkko Immonen, Jussi Jokinen, Olli “Leggo My Eggo” Jokinen, Niko Kapanen, Miikka Kiprusoff, Mikko Koivu, Saku Koivu, Jari Kurri, Jere Lehtinen, Ville Leino, Toni Lydman, Antti Niemi, Janne Niinimaa,
Antero Niittymaki, Joni Pitkanen, Tuukka Rask, Pekka Rinne, Jarkko Ruutu, Tuomo Ruutu, Sami Salo, and Teemu “Dick Clark” Selanne. J.T. is pretty strong.
– We’re all Finnish, or so they tell me. “Me too,” I retort to no one in particular, since I’m actually from Edmonton. I snuck into the Finland dressing room once during a IIHF hockey tournament. No one was there, they were all watching the NHL playoffs.
I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.
The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.
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