Smacktrack Speedskating 02/21/14By G · · 1 Comment
Well, it’s official. Bieber is now the US’s problem. Good. Now people who follow the show on Sunday know that we talk a bit of hockey, and myself and the US gents have a rivalry. Granted, the Canadians beat the US for Gold in women’s hockey, and ousted the men. But both games were great and close. Also, by the time Sunday rolls around, I’ll still be watching the game likely when the show starts. So I’ll smell yeah a little later on it. Let’s get through Smackdown and off to Sunday’s PPV, shall we?
– Cole welcomes us to the thow-away pre PPV Smackdown show. Yay. This venue looks kind of small. They clearly are not in Sochi. I am, in my mind.
– They send out Daniel Bryan to whip up the crowd into a frenzy… success. Last Monday Kane made a match against Bryan with himself. I don’t remember this at all. And I guess Bryan is all taped up from injuries sustained in that match. I don’t think the WWE will be sending their stars to the Olympics in South Korea anymore. I don’t remember watching, because I was FFW’ing the shit out of it. Guess what’s happening here?
The Network debuts Monday, the streaming continues in Canada on Monday.
– * Daniel Bryan vs. Jack Swagger. I think about writing something, but no… I write nothing. Swagger basically takes Bryan outside the ring and tosses him, injured-shoulder-first, into the ring post a bunch of times. And that’s all you really need to know. After a bunch of abuse, Bryan still ekes out a win and the crowd goes nuts. Probably not as nuts when they use this injury as the reason Bryan loses in the EC on Sunday.
– Out comes Vic-Rod with Korporate Kane, and rewards Bryan with another match… with Cesaro, right now!
– * D-Bry versus ‘Saro (the WWE shortened some names again). Cesaro continues to work the injured shoulder. Lots of more abuse. An ad for Stone Cold Steve Austin’s podcast comes up during the match, so that’s the WWE’s new “Twitter”. Cesaro has a decent run, but then Swagger gets busted with a chair outside the ring and the referee throws both of them out of the arena. And they get a commercial break.
Cocktalk, every Sunday on BWF Radio, 2PM EST.
– We’re back. Kane has joined the announce team, but is just observing. Backstage, Swagger has run into Big E Smalls, and a brawl ensues. I decide to make some pizza. The rest of this match is pretty decent, and Bryan worked his ass off tonight. But Kane interferes and chokeslams Bryan just as it looks like Daniel might turn things around. Bryan wins via DQ by outside interference, who announces it himself with a shit eating grin. Me? I prefer pizza. Cesaro hits a Neutralizer cap off this 30 minute excuse to bury Bryan on Sunday.
Tanahashi getting DESTROYED.
– Renee Paquette interviews The Canadian Women’s Olympic Ice Hockey team about their amazing comeback victory over the US team on Thursday. They let their captain, full of charisma, talk about her next challenge, the EC title match. Christianita is very excited about her odds. Looks like she has needs a shave too. She tells us she won that Gold medal with a broken freakin’ stick, too. For no reason, ThinkSoJoECena runs in!
ThinkSoJoECena: The Champ is here! WEEEE!!!
G: Oh, hello. You seem different, Joe. What’s with the clutching of the title? You’re not the champ. That fucking robot is.
Joe Gollum: Precious… sweet fish. Takes the titles from the Ortsies. Sneaky Ortsies. GOLLUM!! GOLLUM!!! Ortsies and the bag shitties…
Jorge Bane: That doesn’t sound like a necessary evil.
MarKKK: I kind of like this Bane guy. We should form a tagteam and take out Hogan at WrestleMania as the Unreal Tournament Americans.
JT Hogan: I invented taking out Hogan at WrestleMania, dude.
Jorge Bane: No one cared who I was until I put on the mask.
JT Buffalo Bill: It puts the lotion on it’s skin…
Joe: Umm… err… Fuck you G and your stupid Canadians…
G: Well the Unreal Tournament Americans won’t be found anywhere near gold this Sunday. I wonder what happened today, seeing as how I wrote this on Friday.
Jorge: Why don’t you just time travel to find out Sunday’s results, G?
G: Laziness. I already sent my clone to lift Jamie Benn’s stick on Friday. Worked out pretty good, eh?
Joe: What if Canada loses on Sunday, G? Won’t you look like an idiot?
G: Nah. It’s all good. Sweden is a solid team, regardless of the outcome, it’s been a great series.
J.T.G.: That goalie from the Syracuse Crunch did well against Canada.
G: He did.
JT Hogan: I invented time travel. brother. I’m already AT WrestleMania XXX (brought to you by Brazzers, brother, brother, brother, brother, brother, sister, bukkake).
Joe: Seriously G, what is this?
G: I’m really bored watching this episode. It’s meaningless.
Jorge: What happened next?
G: After the break, we’re told we can get a one-week free trial of the WWE Network. Except for everyone not in the US.
Mark: They can eat a dick. Why did the Bellas explain technology to us?
G: They sure can.
Joe: Three beers
Jorge: No. No more JT Characters!
Joe: Four beers…
Joe: A margarita!
Joe: Wait, this is the opposite of how this works.
Jorge: Ha ha! You guys fucked up. Just like the US hockey teams.
Mark: I’m glad Canada ruined the USA’s Olympic hockey dreams, everyone.
JT Hogan: I invented ruining the USA’s Olympic hockey dreams, Mean Gee
Joe: That’s a little harsh, you know?
Jorge: Yep. Looks like the WWE is going to ruin the IWC’s hopes and dreams… tonight!
Mark: Wouldn’t it be awesome if somehow Christianita won?
Rob Ford enjoyed the Women’s Canadian Hockey team winning, I see.
– A creepy Bray segment about hopes and dreams ensues… about believing in The Shield, and how could that happen when they are on their hands and knees taking it from big Ol’ Luke Harper while Dueling Banjos play? Not sure. Then a bunch of crocodiles and alligators attack everyone in the arena. They’s here. Finally.
– * The Wyatt Family vs. Rey Mysterio, Cody Rhodes, and Goldust. It’s very much a cluster of a match. Shit happened. Like this:
And then this:
– But sadly, my pizza is ready, so my hands are greasy. Therefore typing and FFW’ing is limited. Can’t say I’m not enjoying both stimulants. All get their shit in, even Rowan, who gets his job on, Harper prevents a pin attempt and then savagely catches Mysterio from the top ropes on the outside and uses the momentum to swing him into the ring barricade. When the chaos is all said and done, Bray lands the Sister Abigail on Goldust and picks up the victory. Again, what appears to allude to the break up of the Rhodes Bros and The Shield.
– For some reason Sheamus is interviewed because he Brogue Kicked his pal… fuck it, FFW.
Henry needs a pocket full of kryptonite
– Summer Rae and Emma have a dance off? No. FFW.
– Bulgarian Loincloth promo. Not in English, not worth showing. It was probably complaining about Bulgaria having no Olympic medals at the time of this being written. I’d be pissed too.
Bryan is inheriting everything from Punk…
– * Titus O’Neil vs. Dolph Ziggler. Darren Young is on commentary. I sense a speed run through this stuff here… This match sucks. Then Young hops off commentary, and starts blowing Titus’ whistle. Yeah, I know. This distraction costs Titus and Dolph rolls up O’Neil and wins. Meh.
Decorum time, bitches…
– * Road Dogg vs. Jimmy Uso. At least this has relevance to the tag match. I wonder if they’ll be competing in Men’s Luge Doubles? Does the winner get the Jamaican Bobsled team? I hope so. Road Agent Dog at least like he’s having fun out there. But, since I just received a phone call from the Canadian Embassy that my services are needed watching amateur athletes compete in Russia, it gets the FFW treatment. Jimmy wins. Nice to see R-Truth and Xavier Woods not booked like idiots.
– * Sheamus vs. Christian. Well shit. This looks like a winner.
AND WE’LL WIN!
– I suspect I’m done with wrestling for the evening… Yeah, this looks like a 20 minute match of two guys with no hope of winning the title on Sunday. Christianita looks on at ringside as her brother is fondled by Unmixed Strawberry Yogurt… FFW through some commercials and “action”. I stop momentarily to observe Christian heeltastically remove the padding from all of the ring barricade. Then he pulls Sheamus’ arms through the metal frame, and repeatedly rams the shoulder into the metal. That was a neat spot, don’t recall ever seeing that. Then Christian goes onto work the shoulder of Sheamus for the rest of the match, because we didn’t just see that for the FIRST FUCKING 1/2 HOUR OF SMACKDOWN. FFW. What the fuck, are Sheamus and Bryan “shoulder buddies” now? I skip ahead to the final minute… Sheamus lands his sideslam finisher thing, I couldn’t be bothered. Back to the Olympics. See you a little later than usual on Sunday on Cocktalk, every Sunday at 2PM EST, BWF Radio 114!
– Note: Barkley is on assignment in Russia. Nothing to do with the Olympics, however.
I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.
The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.
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Joe continues not to notice this section. 😀 It’s like a Talking Heads song or something. 4 weeks and counting. He was warned.
Sept 6, 2013. I am a clone of G. I am currently handcuffed to one of the lower legs of G’s sofa in his apartment. Yesterday, while the real G was at work, monkey nearby shrieked at me to attempt to lift the sofa. It worked! I went to thank the monkey located in an open-doored cage on the stairs leading down to the basement of G’s basement apartment, and noticed a large man strapped into a chair in the basement. I then heard the original G returning home. I need to find his magical device that created me…
Sept 13, 2013. The real Gee has noticed my writing. That stupid fuck hasn’t deleted anything, but he did taze me repeatedly. I still think there is a monkey held captive on the stairs to the second level of this building.
Sept 20, 2013. Made progress today. Discovered some kind of cloning device. I used it to clone the device itself, and hid the copy under the couch I am “hand-cuffed” to. The monkey saw this, but I don’t think he’ll say anything. He’s a monkey, after all. Some dude named Johnny Storm stopped by to say hi. Weird.
Sept 27, 2013. An obese man who claims to be famous magically appeared in the living room today. He told me the cloning gadget I made a copy of has the powers to do much more. Sounded like a bunch of crap to me. I immediately knocked him out and tied him up beside the one the “real” G calls “Barks.” Both look the same. I killed the new guy and fed him to the other captives. I think. They both look the same. All of that future-talk and preventing the death of kayfabe annoyed me. Either way, one of the “Barks” was dinner. He tasted like chicken. Big surprise there.
Oct 4, 2013. So I guess the guy I fed to his doppleganger was actually able to escape last week with help from that J.T. guy. He was screaming something about “his” chair. Either way, G is pissed and punished me all week. He said something about maybe sending me to Fall Camp. I decided to not make any decisive moves. It seems for the best. Just like the WWE, I guess, albeit “best” isn’t the “best” word I’d use to describe the product.
Oct 18, 2013. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to write here. G has been continually sending me off to ancient historical eras to collect random artifacts. I don’t understand why a stool sample from Henry Hudson is so important. And what was the point of leaving a smoke bomb in the front hall of the Palace of Versailles on May 6, 1682? I’m told I’m going to have to… gotta go. He’s home.
Nov. 8, 2013. I’ve been sent on a bunch of weird missions. The most weird was when G sent me back to 2008. See, I snuck former PM Tony Blair into Buckingham Palace and stapled old-people-face to his kind of already old-people-face. No one has noticed even until today. I still don’t understand why he made me do that.
Nov. 15, 2013. This last week was even more bizarre. He made me put on some suit and a red tie and shave my head, and then pretend to be in control of his weekly scab collecting group. I burst in, and told the vice president and current scab champion collector that I was in charge. We bickered back and forth for a while, and then G kicked in the door dressed in drag and began shrieking that since he was the vice president of the chess club next door he was taking over. Very odd.
Dec. 6, 2013: Charles Barkley recently abducted me and took me on a cruise ship with him. We circumvented the planet, stopping at various ports-of-call, and living the high life again. It was really awesome. Then sadly, today, I awoke only to find myself back on the couch of G’s apartment. Was it all a dream?
Dec. 13, 2013. Nope, not a dream. In fact somewhat of a nightmare. This week I was forced to go to work for G while he vigorously stayed home masturbating (I can only assume) and eating nachos. Work sucked. Firstly, I am not trained to do anything G actually does at his jobs, so I looked like a complete idiot. Oddly enough, some fellow who has a Bruce Springsteen complex and calls himself “The Boss” told me that my work had shown significant improvement today. I am pretty sure G’s jobs don’t involve a body count, though.
Dec 20, 2013. Just got back from a reconnaissance mission to infiltrate Charles Barkley’s place. G insisted I take the monkey from the open cage on the stairs with me. He told me the monkey was given special orders, and my job was to get the little guy into the house. I did as I was told. Once inside, the monkey went to every toilet in the house and proceeded to defecate inside the water tank of each one. I don’t know what G is feeding that monkey, but damn!
Dec 27, 2013. Shit, I’m tired. G outsourced me to that dude who always invades via the apartment balcony to deliver bass strings to the bass player children of the world the other day. Turns out, I fucked up and gave a bunch of five and six string bass player kids, four string packs, so he made me go out AGAIN the next day to fix the problem. Turns out, that for some reason, descending into people’s homes via chimney is only considered acceptable behaviour one night out of 365. Or at least, that’s what police officers in 45 countries on the planet seem to think. I have to go out again tonight, but I’m just going to drop molotovs down the chimney instead. Fuck getting arrested again.
Jan 10, 2014. G sent me to the year 2018 to find some lady. Turns out she was laughing historically on February 6th. I return with this information. Not a very exciting adventure, and then me and the monkey play a game called hide G’s sandwich. The crawl space is full of’em.
Jan 24, 2014. I find a diary penned by a version of me, 8 generations ago. In clone generational math, that was about 3 minutes. Weird.
Jan 31, 2014. Today was a good day. I got to use my A.K. Daviel Batryan won the Regal Vibration. The WW’Eh Channel is available in Canuckstan. And the company hired a mainstream darling named D.N. Goth. This is the brightest timeline.
February 7, 2014. Went to the opening ceremonies. Yeah, that’s the ticket. The opening ceremonies. Many were lost in the battle today. I live on. Remember the fallen clones.
February 14, 2014. G said since it’s Valentine’s Day, I have to do something special for J.T. who is trapped in his apartment basement. When I asked why me, he screamed back at me, “THERE’S NO TIME!” and he proceeded to watch men’s doubles in luge. So, I took J.T. back in time to ride a brontosaurus. I don’t think he understand what I meant, but I have to admit, I’ve never seen a brontosaurus smile like that before!
February 21, 2014. G sent me back to lift Jamie Benn’s stick on a shot from the point to ensure the dreams and hopes of USA hockey fans were crushed like the hopes and dreams of Canadian WWE fans unable to order the WWE Network.
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