“BoredWrestlingFan.com? Never heard of it.”
Yeah, that’s right. Jeremy Borash name dropped us at TNA Wrestling’s BaseBrawl in Buffalo. Anyways, great show these guys put on, follow along with us, won’t you?
The wife and I got ringside seats for this one, and that included a meet and greet with TNA wrestlers. It also included one of the coolest things I’ve had a chance to be a part of – Don West’s insane shilling of everything and anything! We had the opportunity to buy a backstage pass for $80 or a TNA Brown Bag special for $20. Don West = Pro Wrestling’s Billy Mays.
We got in and got to meet several TNA stars. I’ll tell you straight up, Matt Morgan is WAY bigger than he comes across on TV. In fact, I told him that TV doesn’t do him justice. He said “I’m sure I’m a lot bigger than the 6 inches I am on your TV.” Damn right he is. Also told Eric Young that I used to watch him in NSPW – he said that was “back when I was wrestling.” Zing!
We got to our fifth row seats and continued to watch Don West shill. Finally, he introduced Jeremy Borash, and we were underway!
And what an opening contest it is – we’re introduced first to Eric Young, who is accompanied by Orlando Jordan.
His opponent represents Fortune – and liked the old BoredWrestlingFan.com nickname of “Metalli-Kaz” when I mentioned it to him – and it’s Kazarian!
Match #1: Kazarian def. Eric Young
One of the best comedy matches I’ve seen in a long time. EY starts off by wrestling with the referee. Later on, Orlando Jordan helped inspire Young to get out of a rear chinlock by singing “Take Me Out To The Ballgame.” Kaz finally winds up winning the match, and EY decides he wants to go after the referee, who subsequently decides to tell EY “you are outta here!”
JB gives a big introduction to the most controversial referee in the history of professional wrestling, Earl Hebner, who, for some reason, comes out to “Man In The Box” by Alice In Chains, which is of course Tommy Dreamer’s old theme song. The Buffalo faithful get on Hebner’s case, chanting “You Screwed Bret.” JB holds Earl back as he looks to go after a few of them – but then he takes off his referee polo to reveal a t-shirt…
Earl’s here to referee a bout between two of the TNA Knockouts.
Match #2: Tara def. Winter
Great match between two women who actually know how to work, with Tara picking up the victory via the Widow’s Peak.
We’re informed that the cameras are rolling and that the following contest will be seen worldwide this Thursday on IMPACT Wrestling, as it is part of the Bound For Glory series thing they’re doing. We’ll let you decide if you want to read it or not…
Match #3: Matt Morgan def. The Pope
Wait. Aren’t I supposed to call him “My Pope, your Pope, the Pope?” Or something like that? I know G has rules for TNA reviews. I’m probably not following them at all. Anyways, Great match with Pope on the offense for most of it, but he winds up eating a Carbon Footprint to give The Blueprint the victory.
The following match, we’re told, is for the TNA Tag Team Championships! We’re first introduced to the challengers…
And then the TNA World Tag Team Champions…
Match #4: Beer Guns (James Storm & Alex Shelley) def. The British Invasion (Magnus & Douglas Williams)
Got to meet The British Invasion and Alex Shelley before the show started, all of them were wonderful individuals. The Brits had control throughout most of this one, keeping Alex Shelley away from Storm through much of the match. The finish saw Shelley distract the referee while Beer Money hit a double suplex on one of the Brits. Shelley hit Sliced Bread #2 on the same guy for the victory.
After this match, we took a 20 minute break, where Don West was shilling his ass off for all the merchandise available at the merch booth, including the Earl Hebner “DAMN RIGHT I DID!” t-shirt and a Kurt Angle pendant, which is what he was about to toss out to the crowd when this shot was taken by Dave Marino of Buffalo.com:
Alas, I went home empty handed.
Nightfall cast a cool air over Coca-Cola Field as we came back from the break – and we’re set for another match that will air this Thursday on IMPACT Wrestling as part of the BFG Championship Series, or whatever.
Match #5: Gunner def. AJ Styles
AJ was treated like a huge star throughout the night, and rightfully so. He’s one of the most talented guys on any professional wrestling roster. Unfortunately for him, however, the referee got in his way as he was going for a springboard move, allowing Gunner to catch him, and give him a Samoan Drop for the victory.
And now, it’s time for our main event of the evening – and introducing first, your special guest enforcer…
That’s right, HULK FRIGGIN’ HOGAN! At this point, my wife marks out – and why not, it’s Hulk Hogan! The first participant introduced for tonight’s Main Event is…
Steiner gets a mic – yes, that’s right, the only promo cut for the entire show. Out of all the guys who made the trip, the one they give a live mic to is SCOTT STEINER. Brilliant. He calls all the women ugly and says that he’s a real man, etc. Then we get the introduction (though not this epic) of his opponent…
OMG! OMG! OMG! HOLY TRAMPOLINE BEAR SHIT!!!!! Hey look, it’s The Greatest Wrestler of All Time, Best Wrestler Alive Today, 47-time World Champion, 206-time Tag Team Champion (162 of which he carried a partner, of those 3 he held with a midget as a partner, one reign where his partner was a blind three-legged alligator with lockjaw, rabies, and hepatitis B, and Spider-Man (contractually obligated to do so by Universal Studios Florida)), The Greatest X-Division Champion of All Time, Greatest IWGP Champion of All Time, former Knockouts Champion, 5-time Winner of the Jeremy Borash Award for TNA’s Sexiest Bachelor, Father of the Year, Time Magazine Man of the Year, 3-time Emmy Award Winning, 2-time Grammy Award Winner, Academy Award Nominated, Four Star French Chef, 41-time winner of the Annual Kurt Angle Great American Award (only other time awarded to JBL), Nobel Prize recipient in the fields of Physics and Literature, three-time NHL MVP, Masters Champion, the only person to win a World Series of Poker event with an UNO deck, the only American to ever be Prime Minister of Canada, 3-time recipient of the the Lifetime Acheivement Award for Outstanding Accomplishments in the Field of Excellence, the only man to ever beat Chuck Norris in a fight, reigning World Record Holder for eating the most sticks of butter in under eight minutes, once bowled four perfect games in a row then bowled a 400, the face on the $40 bill, American Idol winner, saved a bunch of money by changing his car insurance to Progressive (made Geico Gecko tap out in six minutes), replaced James Guttman as The Black Scorpion in WCW, 4-time Tiddlywinks Champion in Mrs. Biederman’s kindergarten class, 2-time Obie award winner for his riveting performances in The Vagina Monologues, Level 80 on Hello Kitty Island Adventure, has America’s highest Credit Score (8.6 billion), recieved the NAACP Humanitarian Award for beating up Al Sharpton, can cabbage fart the National Anthem, Adult Video News Award Winner for Best Male Newcomer, Performer of the Year-Gay Video, Transsexual Performer of the Year, Best Anal Sex Scene, Best Oral Sex Scene–Video, Best Threeway Sex Scene–Video, Best Interracial Release, Best Supporting Actor–Film, Best BiSexual/Gay Video, Best Couples Sex Scene (w/Karen Angle), World’s Greatest Grandma (has the mug to prove it), who correctly predicted all 63 games of the NCAA Tournament each of the last thirteen years (obviously won every NCAA pool he was in), Tiger Beat Hottie of the Decade, 6-time National Double Dutch champion, 3-time Dancing with the Stars Champion (with both a male and female partner), Pokemon Master (Level 100 Pikachu with Surf and Volt Tackle, bitches), 2-time Hobey Baker Award winner for best NCAA College Hockey player, named Greatest Wrestler of All Time by “Burt Dangle” a completely impartial BNN wrestling newz reporter, Level 90 Human Warrior Full Tier 14 gear on World of Warcraft (named Anglepwns), undefeated Backgammon player, Daytime Emmy Award Winner in the Categories of Talk Show Host (pinned Regis Philbin in eight minutes), Lead Actress In A Drama Series (made Susan Lucci tap out in six minutes), Performer in An Animated Program (snapped that bitch Dora the Explorer’s ankle), and Outstanding Drama Series (made the entire cast of Guiding Light tap out in seven minutes, that’s why it was cancelled in September. At least The Young and The Restless held out for ten minutes. Pussies.), former American Gladiator in both the first and second version as well as the Portuguese, French, Vietnamese, Australian, Canadian, and Madagascarian versions (Gladiator name Jupiter), 111-time Pittsburgh Facebook Wrestling Champion and 25-time Pittsburgh Facebook Hardcore International Champion, 7-time AWA International Television Champion, 9-time National Scrabble Champion (would have been ten, but Jack Swagger beat him for his title by bingoing–using all seven tiles–to land the word TRAPEZOID), once pitched a complete game no-hitter for the Pittsburgh Pirates—in each inning, he intentionally walked the first two batters and made the third one hit into a triple play (seven of which were unassisted, six of those were by Kurt Angle), winner of I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here, current President of Mexico, 5-time California Little League Baseball Champion, CFL Hall of Fame Tight End (only because he considered Quarterback to be too easy), 11-time Golden Globe winner, 4-time UFC Heavyweight Champion (Fuck Brock Lesnar), owns two Everest Gigayachts (look it up), has three Platinum Rap Albums, ruined Anthony Analog’s burrito, hosts a new children’s show called Uncle Touchy’s Naked Puzzle Basement, lead actor on the new CBS spinoff CSI: Boise, found Saddam Hussein’s spider hole, won Subway’s Scrabble Contest to win free Five Dollar Footlong subs for life, who CAN believe its not butter, the only person to ever make Parker Lewis lose, can post on Twitter up to 8,482 characters, the only head coach to take a mid-major to a BCS Championship in college football, the only person to ever make that asshole Hulk Hogan tap out, can read your—can read your—yes he can read your Poker Face, won another Olympic Gold Medal in Vancouver ‘010 in Snowboarding using a Virginia Ham as his snowboard, the only man to ever run the Three Minute Mile……..on his hands, the inspiration behind Lindsey Vonn using cheese on her shin to reduce the swelling, made a grizzly bear tap out on the set of The Colbert Report, convicted seventeen criminals during a two-year stint as a St. Louis ADA then as a defense attorney got sixteen of them overturned (the 17th one touched the gold medals without permission so Kurt made sure he is spending the rest of his life in jail for that traffic violation), can order and get beef at Chik-Fil-A, beat Red Dead Redemption already, was the first choice–before turning the roles down–to portray Spiderman, Captain America, Iron Man, Batman, the Joker, The Hulk, and Green Lantern, 11-time North American Thumb Wrestling Champion, discovered China and built The Great Wall by hand in two days, whose TNA action figure already won the third season of NXT (don’t ask how, it’s Kurt Angle–figure it out), the current owner of the state of Rhode Island, whose intro is too good for the World Wrestling Insanity forums, who comes out to The Impact Zone when he damn well wants to and not when some idiot tells him to, can fit this entire intro onto a Walmart Application, Olympic Gold Medal winning wrestling, and All-Around Super Ultra Mega God Kurt BY GAWD Angle! (Thank you, Green Teabagger!)
Match #6: Kurt Angle def. Scott Steiner
Steiner and Angle went all out in this one, with Hulk Hogan assisting Steiner as he got opportunities to do so, but Scott Steiner still found himself stuck in the Ankle Lock, like so:
Of course, Steiner finally rolls through, which sends Angle crashing into Earl Hebner. Hogan takes advantage of the situation by tossing Steiner a chair. See?
Steiner connects, and manages to score a two count. This prompts Beer Money, Inc. to come out and chase Hogan away…
… Allowing Angle to hit the Angle Slam and score the pinfall.
Angle and Beer Money celebrate in the ring as JB offers to allow people to come in the ring and get their pictures taken with the trio for $20. The fireworks start, and Mrs. ThinkSoJoE and I head out.
Great show, the seats were awesome, and we were a part of this Thursday’s IMPACT Wrestling. That was definitely worth the $60 per ticket we paid. We’ll definitely see TNA again!
BTW, the link to Dave Marino’s gallery from the event (with much better pictures) is at Buffalo.com
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