WrestleMania week is in full swing here at BoredWrestlingFan.com, and this is part two of an eight part series. Throughout this week I will relive the past 8 WrestleMania events, starting with WrestleMania XX (which was posted yesterday) and continuing through WrestleMania XXVII (which will be posted on Sunday). So we’re heading to the Staples Center in Los Angeles, California as WrestleMania Goes Hollywood in it’s 21st edition!
Oh man, it’s the old “Attitude/Entertainment” bumper opening the show, and Lillian Garcia kicks it off by singing America The Beautiful.
Our opening video package is a mashup of all the movie parody clips that were aired leading up to the show, followed by another movie parody, Stone Cold Steve Austin in “Gladiator.”
And now, RAW, SmackDown, and Snickers Cruncher present, WrestleMania!
Pyro shoots off with some generic music playing as Jim Ross welcomes us, alongside Jerry “The King” Lawler, to the Staples Center. Hugo and Carlos represent our Spanish announcers, and they throw it to Michael Cole y Tazz, our SmackDown commentators. Speaking of Spanish…
VIVA LA RAZA!
Eddie Guerrero rolls into the arena in his low rider. This will be the first time that two WWE Tag Team Champions face off against each other at WrestleMania (but as we’ll see later in the week, not the last time). The other half of the Tag Champs, and Eddie’s opponent is Rey Mysterio, who is wearing a Mex-Americana outfit this year.
Rey Mysterio vs. Eddie Guerrero
These guys were curtain jerking? They should’ve been main eventing the show. This is one of those matches you just watch. There’s no keeping up with it while blogging. It’s back and forth, counter after counter, high speed, just as you’d expect between these two guys. Eddie actually slows the pace down and starts trying to punish Mysterio with submission maneuvers. Mysterio finally manages to mount a comeback and nails a corkscrew plancha to the outside. Eddie manages to stop the momentum and goes for the Three Amigos, but after the first one, Mysterio counters into a rollup for a two count. Eddie goes for Three Amigos again, but after the second one, Rey reverses it into a hurricanrana but misses the 619. Eddie takes advantage with a backbreaker for two. Guerrero goes for the Three Amigos again and hits it this time. He heads to the top rope, but Mysterio moves out of the way of the frog splash. Rey tries to roll up Eddie again but Eddie reverses it into a cover of his own for a two. Mysterio manages to get Guerrero draped over the middle rope and hits the 619. He goes for the West Coast Pop, but Guerrero catches him, powerbombs him, and gets a two count. Rey rolls to the corner, charges at Eddie, who attempts another tilt-a-whirl backbreaker, but Mysterio reverses it into a hurricanrana and a three count!
Winner: Rey Mysterio
After the match, the Tag Team Champions shake hands.
JBL and his Cabinet are backstage, when they run into World Heavyweight Champion Triple H and Ric Flair. Triple H mocks JBL, and says that he’s a wrestling God. JBL says he’s the only Champion who has never lost his title, and he guarantees victory over John Cena later tonight. Triple H tells him that if he keeps telling himself he’s good, somebody will eventually believe him. JBL says knows he’s good. Triple H says we’ll find out tonight when we see who’s still champion.
Rob Schneider and Adam Sandler are in the front row, and we’re set for the Money In The Bank Ladder Match!!
The participants, in order of entry, are Chris Jericho, Chris Benoit, Christian (with Tomko), Intercontinental Champion Shelton Benjamin, Edge, and Kane (complete with flaming ladder entrance).
Money In The Bank Ladder Match
Everybody goes after Kane as he’s making his way to the ring, and this would be another match that I’m not even going to attempt to call. Jericho see-saws a ladder into Christian’s face to start the match proper. Benjamin takes out several of his opponents (and Tomko) with a plancha to the outside, and then Kane takes them out again with a flying clothesline. Kane attempts to chokeslam Benoit off the ladder, but Benoit reverses it into a crossface. Edge tries to get involved, and also gets a crossface from Benoit. Kane breaks it up with a ladder to Benoit’s face, and then damages Benoit’s arm by slamming it in the ladder. Edge spears Kane, and he and Christian sandwich Kane in between two ladders, before Benjamin takes them both out with a springboard double clothesline. Edge goes for a clothesline on Benjamin, who flapjacks Edge into a ladder set up in the corner. Benjamin hits a Stinger Splash on Edge, then goes for the briefcase, but Jericho prevents him from getting it. Five of the participants (minus Kane) are on top of three ladders – Benoit and Christian go flying first, followed by Jericho, then Edge and Benjamin battle on top of one of the ladders, until Benamin hits a t-bone suplex from the top. Jericho takes out Christian and goes for the briefcase, but Benjamin scales a ladder that was leaned up against the one Jericho was on to clothesline Jericho down. Kane tries to chokeslam Benjamin out of the ring, but Benjamin’s foot gets tied up between the ropes. Tomko sets up a ladder and carries Christian up it. Christian gets his hand on the briefcase, but Kane stops him, dumping him from the top of the ladder to right on top of Tomko on the floor. Kane gets to the top of the ladder, but Jericho stops him. The ladder falls over, leaving both men the worse for wear. Benoit grabs a ladder of his own and sets it up in the corner. He climbs to the very top and hits the flying headbutt on Kane, opening up an old wound on his own head. He sets the ladder up in the middle of the ring and starts climbing, but Kane sits up and goes up the ladder after him. He tries to chokeslam Benoit off the ladder, but Benoit headbutt’s Kane continuously until he knocks Kane off of the ladder. He gets his fingers on the briefcase, but Edge whacks him with a chair. As Benoit crumbles to the mat, Edge climbs the ladder and retrieves the Money In The Bank briefcase.
Eugene limps his way to the ring on his bad knee. He’s excited to be at WrestleMania. It’s his second favorite WrestleMania moment ever. His favorite was King Kong Bundy being attacked by a “midget army” at WrestleMania III, because “midgets are awesome!” He’s interrupted by Muhammed Hassan and Daivari. Hassan asks Eugene if he knows why he’s angry. Eugene says it’s because Hassan doesn’t like midgets. Hassan says he doesn’t like being excluded from the biggest show of the year. Hollywood is filled with phonies and fakes. LA has a long and profound history of prejudice and bigotry. Hassan has never been pinned, yet he’s excluded. It’s a disgrace. Hassan will not stand for this. If he wasn’t given a WrestleMania moment, he’d create one. Hassan and Daivari assault Eugene. Hassan locks him in the camel clutch, when suddenly Hulk Hogan arrives to save the day, much to the delight of Adam Sandler in the front row. How, exactly, does Hulk Hogan save the day, you ask? Big boot and a legdrop, of course! That takes out Hassan, but Daivari grabs a chair, which doesn’t even phase the Hulkster, who gives Daivari a boot of his own before tossing him out of the ring. Hogan milks his PPV time as former WCW Champion David Arquette celebrates with Hogan’s family. Hogan walks up the ramp, and as he poses, a gigantic American flag appears on the Titan Tron.
Michael Cole and Taz are excited about what they just saw, and they throw it to a video package detailing how we came about having a match between Randy Orton and The Undertaker.
I see druids. It’s time to go get some grub. I can cook a four course meal by time The Undertaker gets to the ring, I’m sure. The Undertaker seems to be floating to the ring. There’s a ton of fog in the arena (insert a joke about the air in Los Angeles here). I wonder if they borrowed Johnny Ace’s skateboard to achieve the effect. Somebody on Twitter told me the other day that they missed Orton’s old theme, “Burn In My Light” by Mercy Drive. Too bad that person is probably not watching this right now, because that’s the theme Orton had back at this ‘Mania.
Undertaker vs. Randy Orton
I’m eating my bagel. Screw this review. It’s not like we don’t know who wins already anyway, right?
*5 minutes later*
Man, that was a good bagel. An everything bagel with cream cheese. Been watching the match, and I gotta tell you, Orton was boring even back then. I really don’t feel like watching this anymore. FFW! (While I was fast forwarding, Cowboy Bob Orton came out and got kicked off the apron by The Undertaker) Orton hits the RKO, he drapes an arm over The Undertaker, who barely gets a shoulder up. Orton gets up and does Undertaker’s throat cut signal and goes for the Tombstone. Which is dumb, because Undertaker reverses it, tombstones Orton, and pins him.
Winner: The Undertaker
JR and the King were impressed with The Undertaker’s 13th straight WrestleMania victory. Now it’s time for our first title match, as the WWE Women’s Champion Trish Stratus vs. that year’s WWE Playboy Cover Girl, Christy Hemme. Let’s watch a video detailing the whole thing, including Lita being Christy’s trainer.
Lita accompanies Christy to the ring, and Howard Finkel reminds us that Christy was the RAW Diva Search winner. Her theme song, FWIW, is “Idiot Walk” by The Hives. Trish takes her time walking to the ring, making fun of Lita’s injured knee in the meantime.
Trish Stratus vs. Christy Hemme
Trish is dressed like Stimpy’s friend Sven from that one episode of Ren and Stimpy. It must be time for Oktoberfest. Trish has the early advantage, but Christy blocks a Chick Kick and starts kicking back. Trish starts chopping the hell out of Christy. Trish takes her eye off of Christy and turns her attention to Lita, and Christy nearly scores an upset with a rollup. Trish continues her offense, but again allows herself to get distracted by Lita at ringside. Christy utilizes a bowling shoe ugly offense, scoring with a Twist of Fate for two, but Trish winds up nailing a Chick Kick out of nowhere to pick up the victory.
Winner and Still Women’s Champion: Trish Stratus
Kurt Angle and Shawn Michaels eliminated each other at the Royal Rumble. But that’s not why Kurt’s upset. He’s upset that Shawn Michaels is called the greatest wrestler of all time, while Kurt Angle has the medals to prove that he’s the best. This, according to the video I just watched. Also, I must go back and watch Kurt Angle’s “Sexy Boy” parody. Here, you can watch it too!
Billy Gibbons of ZZ Top fame is in the audience, and so is Marg Helgenberger from CSI. You know who else is here? Mr. WrestleMania, that’s who. Shawn Michaels makes his way out first for the match, complete with streamers shooting from the ceiling. HBK would fit right in with ROH nowadays. Angle heads out to the fans chanting “You Suck” to his entrance theme. I bet that’s why he’s got The Trademarc rapping as his theme in TNA, huh?
Kurt Angle vs. Shawn Michaels
Ready for a show-stealer? I know I am. In a couple of days you’re going to read about a match between Shawn Michaels and Vince McMahon, and it’s still a show stealing performance from HBK. This one starts off quickly with – get this – WRESTLING HOLDS! HBK, surprisingly, holds his ground in actual mat based wrestling with the former Olympic Gold Medalist. Then he holds a headlock for a couple of minutes. Angle gets out of it but HBK goes right back into it. The fans are split right down the middle for this one. After this happens again, Angle gets frustrated and grabs HBK’s hair to try and escape. Finally, Angle manages to turn the tide, albeit briefly before Michaels hits an armdrag and a short-arm scissor on Angle. Angle rolls out of it into a pin attempt. They go back and forth in this position for a minute, then finally Angle decides to pick HBK up, but Michaels gets a sunset flip on Angle for two, then a backslide for the same, and HBK goes right back to the headlock. Angle gets to a vertical base and rams HBK into the turnbuckle and starts throwing fist. HBK turns it around and throws fists of his own. Angle finally manages to knock Michaels down and locks in the Ankle Lock, but HBK gets out of it quickly, rolling out and sending Angle to the floor. He starts to tear apart the announce table, but he takes to long and Angle takes advantage. Angle tries to suplex Michaels through the announce table, but to no avail. He Angle Slams Michaels into the ringpost instead. Angle rolls back into the ring, leaving HBK for dead on the floor. We get replays as we’re reminded how bad HBK’s back is. Angle goes back out after Michaels, and starts working over the lower back of HBK. Back in the ring, Angle scores a two count off of a suplex. Angle then locks in a leg scissors. HBK gets out and starts to battle back with Ric Flair-like chops in the corner, but Angle reverses an Irish Whip, then nails a belly to belly suplex. Angle puts Michaels in a modified Camel Clutch, with his knee planted firmly in HBK’s back. Michaels regains a standing position and punches his way completely out of the hold. The two start trading punches, then Michaels slaps Angle in the face. Angle puts him down with a clothesline, then gets HBK in the corner, where he goes for a superplex, but Michaels manages to knock Angle off, then climbs to the top. Angle moves out of the way of the flying elbow, and the straps come down. Angle begs HBK to get up, but Michaels reverses the Angle Slam with an armdrag, then dumps a charging Kurt Angle over the top rope and to the floor. Michaels climbs to the top rope and hits a cross body from the top to the floor on Angle. Michaels gets back on the apron first, but Angle gets up right after and tries for a German Suplex from the apron to the floor, or perhaps through the table, but we won’t find out as Michaels, unbeknownst to the referee, kicks Angle between the legs. Michaels kicks Angle in the skull, sending him onto the announce table, and HBK hits an Asai Moonsault onto the table. Both men are down on the other side of the announce table as the referee begins his ten count. Both men get back in at nine, and Angle is bleeding from the mouth. Both men barely make it to their feet, then they start trading blows, but HBK gets the advantage there, scoring with punches and chops. HBK hits a flying forearm, then nips up. He takes Angle down with a pair of rights, nails an inverted atomic drop and a clothesline. Michaels slams Angle and climbs to the top rope, this time nailing the Macho Man elbow. Michaels tunes up the band, but Angle catches the superkick and turns it into the ankle lock! They’re in the middle of the ring, and even when HBK tries to roll out, the pugnacious Angle won’t let go. Michaels drags himself to the ropes, but Angle pulls him away – the first time. HBK finally gets to the ropes, and Angle once again begs Michaels to get up, but again Michaels reverses the Angle Slam, but winds up in the ankle lock again. He rolls through and scores a two count on Angle. He goes for Sweet Chin Music, but Angle reverses it into the Angle Slam, scoring with it this time but only for a two count. Angle can’t believe Shawn kicked out. He puts the straps up, and puts them back down before going for a moonsault, but Michaels moves out of the way and Angle crashes to the canvas. Michaels climbs to the top, but Angle catches him with an Angle Slam from the top rope! He covers, but HBK kicks out at two! Angle still can’t believe it. He starts yelling at Shawn to tap out, but before he can lock in a submission, HBK kicks his teeth down his throat. Unfortunately for Shawn, he’s spent and can’t get over to make a cover. Shawn starts to move first, crawling over toward Kurt. He gets an arm across him, but Angle gets a shoulder up at two! HBK manages to get to his feet, but Angle catches him with an ankle lock out of nowhere! Michaels screams in pain, but Angle won’t let him get to the ropes, nor will he let him get out of the hold, no matter how hard Shawn tries. Angle finally grapevines the leg, and HBK continues to try to get to the ropes. HBK is screaming in pain, but he’s refusing to give in. He looks like he might tap, but he doesn’t. Angle continues to torque the ankle, and Michaels finally has no choice but to tap out. What a match!
Winner: Kurt Angle
Apparently they’re giving out awards for the trailers they had leading into the match. The winner of “favorite punchline” and “favorite female” is the Basic Instinct parody featuring Chris Benoit, Christian, Chris Jericho, Stacy Keibler, Moolah, and Mae Young. Moolah and Mae are in the audience.
Rowdy Roddy Piper! Hot Rod is here! Fink introduces him, and he makes his way to the ring. He was inducted into the Hall of Fame the night before, and the ring is set up for a Piper’s Pit! Piper thanks the fans for the honor of the Hall of Fame. “Now, let’s move on and make history.” Piper asks who the baddest man in the WWE is. He hears it’s Stone Cold Steve Austin. Who’s the meanest? “Who’s the low-downest rattlesnake butt-kickin’ son of an un-named goat?” Who is the biggest rebel in the history of the “WWF.” The crowd replies Austin. Piper says, and I quote, “bullshit.” Piper says he’s gotta see this guy, and brings out Stone Cold Steve Austin! Piper welcomes Austin to the Pit with a slap to the face. Austin replies “Thank you very much for havin’ me, you little son of a bitch,” and a slap of his own. Piper says he likes Austin. Piper respects Austin. The crowd responds “WHAT?” and Piper asks if they’re deaf. Piper has respect for Austin sticking up for Mr. McMahon, for him or against him, but on one point, Piper would love to differ. Austin asks what point, the crowd goes “WHAT?” and Piper asks, “you don’t understand him either?” Oh hell, this segment is so epic so far, rather than try to explain it, why don’t I just show it to you?
We’re reminded that Backlash will be on Pay Per View on May 1, 2005 before we see the trailer that was voted by the fans to be the best one, Taxi Driver, featuring Heidenreich, Batista, Shawn Michaels, Rey Mysterio, Shelton Benjamin, The Bashams, The Big Show, Candice Michelle, Carlito, Tajiri, Orlando Jordan, Interchangeable Diva Search Girl, Snitsky, Paul London, Tazz, Chavo Guerrero, Hardcore Holly, Molly Holly, and Michael Cole.
Speaking of Taz and Michael Cole, they’re still working here tonight. They’re calling the first ever Sumo Wrestling Match at WrestleMania. Oh boy. Tony Chimel gives the rules. Akebono comes out first. Then the Big Show comes out. Do I have to watch this? Can I just show you this instead?
No, I can’t? Alright fine.
The Big Show vs. Akebono: Sumo Wrestling Match
The two fat guys remove their robes, and the announcers try to explain the little thong things these guys are wearing. Alright, come on, speed this along guys, we’ve still got actual pro wrestling matches to get to. The dude in the kimono stalls, and the crowd gets restless. I’m surprised the let them come back to the Staples Center after this debacle. The dude in the kimono tells them to go and they start slapping each other across the chest. Then they try to throw each other out of the circle dealie. Show tries to shoulderblock Akebono, but he doesn’t budge. Show gives the chokeslam signal, but Chokeslam-Man doesn’t show up, and Akebono tosses Big Show out of the ring for the win.
Big Show and Akebono shake hands and hug after the match. Thank (insert supreme being here) that’s over.
Video package for the WWE Championship, detailing the history between JBL and John Cena. Interesting to note, Cena defaces JBL’s limo in this video package. So when he did it with Cryme Tyme on RAW, that was a rehash.
The opening bell signifies the start of the business day on Wall Street. I mean, uh, the arrival of John “Bradshaw” Layfield. JBL comes to the ring without his Cabinet as JBL bucks float down through the Staples Center. If you’re wondering, John Cena was using “The Time Is Now” as his entrance theme by this point.
John Cena vs. John “Bradshaw” Layfield: WWE Championship
It occurs to me just prior to this match that there is still a World Heavyweight Championship match still to come, which if I recall correctly is Triple H vs. Batista. Which I want to see even less than I want to see this. I will, however, sit through this for you, dear reader. I remember being a huge fan of JBL during his title run, but I was also a huge fan of John Cena back then too. In fact, I was there the night he turned face in Buffalo. Anyways, JBL dominates in the early going. Cena tries to comeback but gets planted with a spinebuster from JBL. JBL is just destroying John Cena in the early part of the match. Clotheslines, slams, shoulderblocks, a sleeper hold, it’s all JBL. Cena gets out of the sleeper with a side suplex. Cena can’t capitalize, and JBL drops Cena with a neckbreaker on the floor. I notice that the referee for this match is Nick Patrick. Wonder what ever happened to that guy. JBL goes for a cover but only scores a two count. He goes to the top, but Cena catches him in mid-air powerslamming him to the canvas. Cena finally starts to get on a roll, nailing JBL with a high speed, high powered offence. He hits the Protobomb, and then the Five Knuckle Shuffle. He pumps up his Reeboks, but gets a boot from JBL. He ducks the Clothesline from Hell and nails the F.U. for the three count!
Winner and NEW WWE Champion: John Cena!
Cena climbs up on the guardrail to celebrate his first WWE Championship, then heads out into the crowd for a moment.
Great. There’s still 45 minutes left of the show. At least some of that is being killed with highlights of the 2005 Hall of Fame Ceremony.
“Mean Gene” Okerlund comes out to introduce the 2005 class of the WWE Hall of Fame. The inductees, in order of introduction, are Nikolai Volkoff (accompanied by Michelle McCool), The Iron Shiek (Candice Michelle), Mr. Wonderful Paul Orndorff (Jackie Gayda), Cowboy Bob Orton, Jr. (Maria), The Mouth of the South Jimmy Hart (Joy Giovanni), “Rowdy” Roddy Piper (Torrie Wilson), and finally, Hulk Hogan (Stacy Keibler).
WrestleMania 22 will be in Chicago, but that’s
tomorrow next year. Right now we’re in Los Angeles and set for our main event. After the obligatory video package detailing the events that led up to Triple H vs. Batista.
Who would win in a wrestling match, Lemmy or God? We could find out, since Lemmy is here, and there’s a wrestling ring a few feet away. Or we can forget the whole thing, since Lemmy is God. Triple H rises up through the stage as Motörhead plays his theme song. Saliva doesn’t show up to play Batista to the ring. Which is sad, because that could’ve killed another 5 minutes or so, which would mean this main event would be even shorter. Hey look, Ric Flair is already there for Triple H. Holy crap, this is before Saliva did Batista’s theme. I guess that would explain why they didn’t play him to the ring. It’s also worth noting that he didn’t have his pyro back then but was still doing his machine gun dance at the top of the ramp. Which looks even more ridiculous without pyro. He’s milking the crowd, but they’re apathetic at this point. They got their John Cena title win, they’re ready to go home.
Triple H vs. Batista: World Heavyweight Championship
Well, there’s less than 25 minutes left in this show at bell time. So maybe it won’t bore me out of my skull. The bell rings and they… stand around for another minute. Then they lock up. And they walk around as they’re locked up. Then they lock up again. And they walk around. Again. Then they lock up. Again. Then finally Batista whips Triple H off the ropes and shoulderblocks The Game. Then they lock up. Again. Then Batista whips Triple H. Again. But Triple H hits a shoulderblock this time. Triple H goes for a Pedigree, but Batista won’t let that happen this early and press slams Triple H to the canvas. They trade rights, with Batista getting the advantage in that department quickly. Batista gets Triple H in the corner and starts punching away. Then he hits a back body drop. Then Triple H hits the high knee, sending Batista out of the ring. Ric Flair tries to sneak up on him, but the referee catches him coming in. Triple H tosses Batista to the steel steps off of the distraction. Triple H chokes Batista when he gets back in the ring, and when the referee admonishes him, Ric Flair chokes Batista with his coat. Triple H starts to work over the back of the challenger. He scores a two count off of a suplex. Flair chokes Batista again behind the referee’s back. Triple H hits the spinebuster but only scores a two. He hits a Rude Awakening-like neckbreaker for another two. Batista tries to mount a comeback, and a backdrop out of a Triple H Pedigree attempt doesn’t hurt his chances to do so, but a Triple H facebuster does. Triple H goes to the top rope, but whatever he was trying didn’t work as Batista clotheslined him out of mid-air. Batista scores a two count off of a sidewalk slam. His offense is short-lived though as he charges directly into a Triple H boot to the face. H-Cubed tries to Irish Whip Batista, but Batista uses his strength to reverse that and send Triple H crashing to the outside. Triple H sends Batista shoulder first into the steel steps yet again, then starts to dismantle the steps. He takes Batista up to the top of the bottom section and goes for a Pedigree, but Batista reverses it into a catapult, sending The Game face first into the ring post, busting him open. Back in the ring, Batista nails Triple H across his bloody forehead with several forearms. The Animal works over The Game in the corner, whips him to the other corner, and then charging him and connecting with a clothesline this time. He powerslams The Game, but Triple H kicks out at two. I get bored and start to dose off, but when I start paying attention again, Batista is after Flair, the Game is after Batista with a chair, but Batista gets the chair away from Triple H. Flair tries to hit Batista with the World Heavyweight Championship back in the ring, but Batista hits a spinebuster instead. Triple H nails Batista with the belt as the ref is trying to get Flair out of the ring, but only scores a two count. Batista goes for the Batista Bomb, but Triple H hits him low as the ref is still out. The Game goes for the Pedigree, but he can’t get him up, and The Animal breaks out of it, then drops Triple H with a power move. He shakes the ropes, gives the thumbs down, and nails a Batista Bomb. He gets the three count and the victory!
Winner and NEW World Heavyweight Champion: Batista
After the match, Batista poses with the title as a bloody Triple H can barely stand. Fireworks fill the arena as Batista celebrates his first World Heavyweight Championship, and this show is over.
Thoughts: It took me three viewings to get through this. Not saying it was boring, more accurately saying I need to watch these at a better time than 3AM. Not a bad show. Really liked Piper’s Pit. Tune in tomorrow for WrestleMania 22!
Like this post? Subscribe to our RSS Feed today and never miss another!