Last show before Hell In A Cell. What will Vacant have to say about Shawn Michaels’ obvious intent of screwing him out of the WWE Championship this Sunday? Guess we’ll find out tonight!
I’m on a couple hours sleep. Fuck it. Let’s go.
First 30 quick recap: Triple H and Stephanie are interrupted by Big Show “via satellite.” Stephanie gets the production guys to cut the feed mid sentence. They introduce the first participant in the first match, Dean Ambrose – but they get his opponent, Daniel Bryan instead. Bryan and Ambrose have a great match, with Bryan picking up the submission victory with the Yes Lock.
CM Punk (who I’m dressing as for the Halloween party we’re holding simultaneously with the Hell In A Cell PPV this Sunday) comes out to the stage in street clothes. Punk says his legacy will be defined by what he does to Paul Heyman on Sunday. Ryback can’t save Heyman, because they’ll both be locked in with a devil who will do whatever it takes to get the job done. Punk doesn’t care about winning, his plan is to put Ryback to sleep, and then watch and enjoy Heyman wiggling around like a little worm on a big hook. Punk wants to smash Heyman’s face into every inch of steel the Cell has to offer. Punk says that Heyman will learn something about Extreme this Sunday. Three men will walk in, and only one will walk out under his own power, and that man will be The Best In The World.
Backstage, Triple H and Stephanie are with Vickie Guerrero. He implores her to not screw up. Stephanie is on the phone trying to get security to stop The Big Show. HBK is in Triple H’s office. HBK picks on him about his tie before questioning him about Daniel Bryan. HBK reminds them that they said that he or Triple H couldn’t be the face of the WWE years ago. Stephanie says they can’t figure out how Big Show got on the TitanTron. HBK says that he and Triple H used to do that kind of stuff to Vince and she thought it was funny. She says this is different. They fired The Big Show. Things have changed around here. HB-Shizzle noticed, but he didn’t want to believe it. He didn’t have to grow up, so he’s going to go have some fun.
Santino, The Great Khali, and Hornswoggle are dressed like Elvis for some reason. Oh, that’s why – we’re in Memphis. Santino’s in action after the break.
Did you take the time you were looking at whatever it is I decided to put up for the break to guess who Santino was going to wrestle while dressed as Elvis? Did you guess Heath Slater? You win!
Santino Marella (w/ Hornswoggle & Great Khali) vs. Heath Slater (w/ Drew McIntyre & Jinder Mahal)
This. This is ridiculous. Didn’t Bad Influence do an Elvis bit a few months back in TNA? The announcers make bad Elvis puns throughout the match. Even the fucking cobra is dressed like Elvis. I can’t make this shit up. If I could, I’d be writing G’s SmackDown review. Or Monday Night RAW. Santino wins with the Cobra.
And now he’s got the mic. He says the only King from Memphoose, and that’s Jerry “The King” Lawler. Santino and Jerry dance on the announce table. What the fuck man.
Apparently we’re getting a WrestleMania match from WWE 2K14 – and it’s going to be The Undertaker vs. CM Punk from WrestleMania 29. Looks pretty good. Can’t wait to pick it up next Tuesday. I need to pre-order it and get my free, exclusive Ultimate Warrior playable character.
Dolph Ziggler is in the house, and he’s got a match with Randall Keith Orton. Wake me up when Orton gets to the ring.
Dolph Ziggler vs. Randy Orton
If I were booking this show, I have Bryan or Big Show distract Orton and let Ziggler pick up the win. Orton absolutely shouldn’t look weak going into Hell In A Cell, but Ziggler doesn’t necessarily need to look bad either. He is a former two time World Heavyweight Champion, after all. The reason I say all this is because I typically sarcastically ponder who is going to win between the guy with nothing going on and the guy who is in the WWE Championship match this Sunday. Predictably, Orton hits the RKO out of nowhere to pick up the win. To their credit, Ziggler was given a bunch of offense in this match.
Video: John Cena’s road to recovery. Here’s the thing about this. If this dude had surgery back in August on a “torn tricep,” wouldn’t they know then that his injury wasn’t as severe as initially thought (which is the spin they’re trying to put on this)?
Yay, AJ! She’s teaming with Tamina tonight, but this Sunday she’ll be defending her Diva’s title against Brie Bella. And apparently Nikki is cleared to compete, because the Bellas are AJ and Tamina’s opponents tonight.
AJ Lee & Tamina Snuka vs. The Bella Twins (Nikki & Brie)
Rumor going around is that CM Punk and Lita are no longer together (didn’t they get engaged not too long ago?) and that he’s now dating AJ. BTW, the number one trending topic on Twitter as this match is going on is “Dolph Ziggler.” That’s Best For Business! Brie pins AJ after the face full of stuff. Which hopefully means that AJ will retain on Sunday.
Renee Young is waiting for Paul Heyman, but kicks it to a video of Big E Langston helping CM Punk this past Friday on SmackDown in the meantime. What happens next, my words can never do justice. Watch this video to see the most epic Paul Heyman promo I’ve ever seen. And I’m an old-school ECW fan.
Video: The relationship of Daniel Bryan and Shawn Michaels
The Wyatt Family (Luke Harper & Erick Rowan w/ Bray Wyatt) vs. The Miz & Kofi Kingston
Bray Wyatt is moving around ok when he stands up at ringside. That’s a good thing. Miz takes the beating from the Family through most of the early going. Which, of course, leads to the hot tag to Kingston. Kingston takes out Rowan with Trouble In Paradise, but gets hit with Harper’s tornado clothesline (to JBL screaming “WOW, WHAT A FREAKIN’ CLOTHESLINE!), leading to a victory for the Wyatt Family.
Harper goes after Kingston following the match, but he’s saved by Miz, momentarily. Rowan takes out Miz, Harper dumps Kingston out of the ring, and the family tie Miz to the ropes. Wyatt says he’s won wars without lifting a finger. He knows Miz. He asks Miz if he believes in the creator? Life after death? Wyatt does, but he’s not here to convince Miz that Hell is a real thing, he’s here to lead him to the gates. Follow the buzzards.
Paul Heyman and Ryback lead Curtis Axel to the ring. This match was made official following the altercation backstage between Axel and Big E Langston earlier in the night.
Big E Langston vs. Curtis Axel (w/ Paul Heyman & Ryback)
Fuck, I’m tired. Langston takes down Axel, but Ryback jumps in. this match hasn’t started. Big E battles both of them pretty successfully until Heyman hit him with a Kendo stick. Punk runs out to make the save, and we’re getting a tag team match, playa. Holla.
Big E Langston & CM Punk vs. Curtis Axel & Ryback (w/ Paul Heyman)
Punk is wearing his Bret Hart trunks tonight, but not his Bret Hart boots. “He’s a hideous looking creature with a skullet” says JBL on Paul Heyman. CM Punk is going into his fifth Hell In A Cell this Sunday. I can think of two of the other ones – including the one he didn’t want against Ryback last year. Big E picks up the win for his team by nailing Axel with The Big Ending.
Punk chases Heyman out through the crowd following the match.
R-Truth plugs WWEShop.
Tons of Funk (Tensai & Brodus Clay w/ Cameron & Naomi) vs. The Real Americans (Jack Swagger & Antonio Cesaro w/ Zeb Colter)
I’m tired. I don’t care. This is a nap match. Cesaro and Swagger win. Colter has a bull whip. We The People.
Video: John Cena’s career.
Curtis Axel defends the Intercontinental title against Big E Langston on the Hell In A Cell kickoff show.
Goldust and Cody Rhodes have had their theme songs mashed up, and they’re here to watch the match between The Usos and The Shield, the winner becomes number one contender.
The Usos (Jimmy & Jey) vs. The Shield (Seth Rollins & Roman Reigns)
Tired Joe doses off, but when I wake up, as expected, all hell breaks loose and the match ends in a no contest as Code-Dust get involved after Ambrose taunts them. Looks like we’re going to be getting a triple threat for the tag titles at Hell In A Cell. Which I swear we already knew about, rendering this whole thing pointless.
Up next, two grown men sign a contract! Compelling Television!
Triple H and Stephanie preside over the contract signing. Orton is out first, followed by Bryan. There’s 15 minutes left in this. I don’t know if I can do it. Not that I don’t think it’ll be entertaining, just that I’m really freakin’ tired. Triple H eats up a minute with his introduction of Shawn Michaels. Orton gets to say his piece first. Never mind what I said about this segment being entertaining. Orton gives Bryan credit for getting back up after every beating he’s given him, but that won’t happen Sunday. Orton is confident based on his history in Hell In A Cell. Orton signs. Bryan says they both know if it wasn’t for The Shield, for The Authority, and for Triple H, he’d be standing here WWE Champion. He’s got two words for ya – “Thank you.” He thanks Orton for pushing him and exposing himself as a corporate pet, and exposing Triple H and Stephanie as the spoiled brats they really are. Bryan signs. Triple H has seen guys come and go like Bryan before – Jericho, RVD, Edge. Popular, but not “the one.” He says if any of those guys were the face back in the day, we’d all be working for Ted Turner right now. Bryan asks Triple H to trade his suit in for wrestling gear so he can show him how good he really is. Triple H says if he gets back in the ring, it’s going to be to fight a star. The Undertaker, The Rock, Brock Lesnar. Not Daniel Bryan. Triple H wouldn’t waste his time fighting someone like Bryan. “Shawn Michaels shouldn’t have wasted his time training you.” HBShizzle says he didn’t waste his time, Bryan is good, very good. He asks what happened to Triple H. What happened to the guy who drove the tank into WCW? The guy who played strip poker with him on live TV. HBK only cares about the fans and giving them what they want this Sunday. Orton says HBK has an agenda against him. Triple H says Shawn will do what’s right. HBK says he will do what’s right for the business he loves. HBK wonders what Triple H has against Bryan? He’s small? His beard? Because he marches to the beat of a different drum? Or is it because after everything Triple H has thrown at him, he’s proved him wrong? Orton says Bryan knows he can’t beat him. This, despite the fact he did it at Night of Champions. Bryan moves the table aside, when a semi truck is shown on the TitanTron. It’s Big Show driving it. He drives it right into the arena. He gets out of it and starts a “Yes” chant, directing Orton to turn around, which he does, direct into the MTBJC. Daniel Bryan chants “Yes” as he heads up the ramp and to Big Show’s truck.
Thoughts: Good night. See you Sunday.
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