Home ▸ RAW ▸ WWE RAW 1/13/14

While we wait impatiently for the launch of the WWE Network, we have to get through 7 more Monday Night RAWs, including this one and the one on February 24th.  Roddy Piper tweeted out some cryptic messages regarding tonight’s RAW, so let’s see if anything comes of that.  Let’s go!

Blah blah blah you know what we do here.  Shut up and read it.

First 30 quick recap:  Daniel Bryan & Bray Wyatt lost via DQ to the Usos when Rowan and Harper interfered.  Bryan sacrificed himself to Wyatt for Sister Abigail.  John Cena defeated Damien Sandow.

Brad Maddox compliments Kane on bringing RAW into chaos already tonight.  Kane says he should be enforcing the rules.  Maddox says we’ll get a rematch between the Usos and the Wyatts inside a steel cage.  Kane agrees, but the door will be chained and locked.  And Kane will be the only one with a key.

I hope it’s THIS steel cage!

Big Show takes on one of the Real Americans.  I hope it’s Antonio Cesaro – I’d love to see him get this big bastard up in a Cesaro Swing.  Probably won’t happen.  Especially because it’s Jack Swagger.  “Sneakers are for feet, not for crossing the border” reads Zeb’s sign.  Show just manhandles Swagger here.  He makes short work of Swagger, winning with a chokeslam.  Show chases Cesaro out of the arena and goes after Zeb.  He grabs Zeb by the collar, and Colter begs him to spare him.  Show knocks him out anyway, because, y’know, babyface.

Didn’t notice he grabbed Zeb’s ass first until I saw this GIF by WrasslorMonkey of Wrestling With Text fame.

Oh you didn’t know?  Yo’ ass betta call somebody!  Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages, D-Generation X proudly brings to you it’s 5 time WWE Tag Team Champions of the World, The Road Dogg Jesse James, The Badd Ass Billy Gunn, the New Age Outlawwwwwws!  I could get used to these dudes being on TV every week again.  Road Dogg and Badd Ass are once again teaming with CM Punk to face The Shield, but this time they actually get their introductions.  If you’re not familiar with the New Age Outlaws, I got two words for you – WWE Network.  Ok, I guess that was an acronym and a word.  Whatever.  I saw this match on SmackDown.  The Shield won.  It’s weird to me to hear Punk referred to as a veteran.  I know he is, but I remember seeing him in WWECW when he was a rookie to WWE.  Flash Funk trends on twitter during this one, thanks to Road Dogg.   Punk goes to make the hot tag to the Outlaws, but they drop off the apron and bail on him.  Punk slowly turns and realizes he’s all alone against the Shield (which shouldn’t be a big deal, since he beat all three of them by himself at TLC).  He takes out Ambrose and Rollins, but Reigns hits the spear and pins him.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen both Outlaws as heels – Tweeners, yes, but not full on heels (3 Live Crew, The James Gang, and Voodoo Kin Mafia don’t count) – in fact, Road Dogg was one of the two members of DX who didn’t turn at one point – the other one, if I’m not mistaken, was X-Pac.  The Shield go to leave, but Reigns calls them back in to hit the triple powerbomb – which they didn’t get to do last week thanks to the Outlaws, who are apparently no longer on Punk’s side.

Elsewhere, Bray Wyatt gives a pep talk to Daniel Bryan prior to their cage match against the Usos.  Bryan finishes the thoughts of Bray Wyatt.  Run.

No, you idiots, I said “PEP” talk, not “PEPSI” talk.

The Funkadactyls are set for tag team action.  I almost get up to go grab a bite to eat, but AJ Lee and Tamina are their opponents.  AJ is 5 days away from being the longest reigning WWE Divas Champion of all time.  Emma (from NXT) is in the crowd with a sign that reads “Emmataining.”  I didn’t make that up, that’s true.  AJ wins for her team with the Shining Wizard.  Naomi never gets into the match.  She does save Cameron from a post-match beat down though.

This comic from our boy Hornsby at BotchedSpot is basically all you need to know about Total Divas.

Randall Keith Orton is looking for The Authority.  He finds Kane.  He wants better protection from Cena, Lesnar, Batista, etc.  Kane says Orton can vent his frustration on Kofi Kingston.  Orton says the pleasure is all his.

WWE Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony tickets go on sale Saturday at 11 AM.  Which means it’s time to start announcing inductees.  And we start with the expected announcement of The Ultimate Warrior.  This is exactly why you can never say never in WWE.  This is why we’re told that anything can happen.  This guy, who was buried in “The Self Destruction of the Ultimate Warrior” DVD, having his promos made fun of and being called a dangerous worker who had a lot of energy and a look but not much else, is going in to the WWE Hall of Fame.  We heard the rumors, and those rumors are true.

I was going to post this Ultimate Warrior Valentine’s Day card that I had, but damned if I know where I hosted the image back in the day. So here’s a picture of the Ultimate Warrior character I created in Rock Band 2.

Renee Young is with Paul Heyman.  This should be another classic.  She shows him the clip of Big Show throwing Brock Lesnar across the ring last week.  Heyman says that Brock Lesnar is not impressed by Big Show knocking out a helpless elderly gentlemen.  Heyman says the removal of the pituitary gland to stop the onset of acromegaly has the side effect of a rampant case of stupidity.  Heyman isn’t intimidated or impressed, and neither is Lesnar, the obvious number one contender for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship, Brock Lesnar.

I got something #OldSchool 4u right here! pic.twitter.com/b6H8kdF7RY

— Paul Heyman (@HeymanHustle) March 4, 2013

Kofi Kingston is in the Royal Rumble match.  Of course he is.  Who else is going to do some wacky spot where they get thrown out and manage to not get eliminated?  He’s facing Randall Keith Orton.  Remember when Kofi was owning him every week?  Good times.  Kofi keeps kicking out at two, despite Orton yelling at him “kick out of that!”  I get distracted looking for that Ultimate Warrior Valentine’s Day card and wound up on my old MySpace page, and then wind up listening to a remix of the old thinksobrain song “Burning The Bush.  Orton takes his aggression out on Kingston, much like Big Show did to Swagger earlier.  Kingston refuses to let Orton pin him though, frustrating Orton even more.  Kofi actually mounts a comeback – and pins Orton with the SOS!  KINGSTON WINS!  KINGSTON WINS!  KINGSTON WINS!  Which would be shocking on it’s own even if it wasn’t the WWE World Heavyweight Champion considering his record of late!  Orton is angry and starts throwing a tantrum at ringside.  Not one of those Christian flopping around tantrums, one of those I’m-going-to-punch-everything-in-sight-including-John-Cena’s-Dad kind of tantrums.  Cena comes out, chases Orton away, and checks on his dad.  I actually forgot that Johnny Fabulous was at ringside.  Well, he’s not anymore – they took him out in an ambulance.

Is that any way to treat the MWF President?!?

The Brotherhood are in the Royal Rumble.  Ryback is still employed.  So is Curtis Axel.  Considering Ryback’s conduct offline over the last few days, I sarcastically wonder who’s going to win this one.  Xavier Woods, R-Truth, Big E Langston, and The Miz are all also confirmed for the Rumble during this match.  They make reference to Ryback’s tweets, and the fans chant Goldberg.  I head back to MySpace and look at old thinksobrain photos as Cody Rhodes pins Curtis Axel, while Cena’s Dad trends on Twitter.

This was my whole band on Rock Band 2. Smash was the singer, Savage on bass, Hogan on guitar, and Warrior on drums.

Holy shit – Batista’s return is next week already?!?  A camera goes out during Rey Mysterio’s entrance and another one scrambles to get on him – I wonder if that was just a glitch, or if it winds up being anything more significant down the line.  Mysterio announces that he’s in the Rumble.  He’s facing Alberto Del Rio, my fellow Niners fan.  Mysterio hits the 619 but Del Rio knocks him off the top rope and kicks him in the back of the skull.  He locks in a terrible cross armbreaker and wins by tapout.  Del Rio says that will happen to Batista if he shows up next week, and that it will be Del Rio throwing Batista out.

@49ers big day #NinerNation
We r almost there @SuperBowl
Venga mis niners muy cerca del #SuperBowl

— Alberto El Patron (@PrideOfMexico) January 12, 2014

CM Punk interrupts Kane on the phone, wondering where The Authority is, and Kane says they’re not here.  Punk says it’s not fair that 5 guys are after him, and believes Triple H be behind it.  Kane says he doubts that’s the case, because The Authority has just named him to be in the Royal Rumble match.  Punk says he’s got no problem with that – but he’s got a problem with Kane.

Though I’m sure Punk doesn’t have a problem with this Kane.

The Wyatt Family actually get an entrance this time, unlike at the top of the show.  The fans clap along with The Wyatt’s theme, much like they did at Battleground in Buffalo.  Copycats.  A tag team match between the New Age Outlaws and The Brotherhood is announced for SmackDown.  Johnny Fabulous is announced to be OK other than perhaps a fractured orbital socket.  Then the Usos get their entrance.  This all happened after a commercial break, so the Wyatts have been in the ring for a good 5 minutes by this point.  Kane locks the door and we’re underway.  I saw this match in hour one.  The Usos won by DQ.  But that wasn’t in a cage.  Rowan and Harper surround the ring, preventing the Usos from escaping numerous times.  One of the Usos takes out Bryan, who inadvertently takes out Wyatt on the way down.  The Usos dive from the cage onto Rowan and Harper to pick up the victory for the second time tonight.  Wyatt is livid, and whispers into Bryan’s ear again.  Bryan drops to his knees to sacrifice himself again – but this time he shoves his way out of Sister Abigail.  Wyatt questions Bryan’s defiance.  Wyatt offers himself up for Bryan to hurt him.  Bryan assaults Wyatt!  It looks like the Daniel Bryan in the Wyatt Family experiment is over – he takes off his jumpsuit and has his ring gear on underneath.  He continues to assault Wyatt, tossing him into Harper and then Rowan as they try to climb up the cage.  Bryan leads the fans in a yes chant before hitting The MTBJC on Wyatt!

Thoughts:  Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.  That’s the philosophy used at the end of Monday Night RAW.  Bryan sided with Wyatt and sacrificed himself a number of times to earn Bray’s trust, just enough to wait until the perfect moment to turn on him.  And what better time than with Rowan and Harper locked outside of the ring?  Some people shit on this angle right from the beginning.  I kept telling them, “let the storyline play out, dipshit.”  I’m interested to get the explanation from the New Age Outlaws as to why they turned on Punk.  Looking forward to this Royal Rumble – not only because it’s the last one I’ll ever have to pay full price for, but because it’s shaping up to be one of the better cards they’ve done in a while.  See you Sunday for BWF Radio!

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