One day after we gave out our own awards for the year in wrestling, the WWE copies us by giving out their annual Slammy Awards. I, for one, think the BWF Awards are more prestigious. After all, you can’t buy a BWF Award. Anyway, let’s get started so I can finish this by 3AM.
I watch 30 minutes of RAW. I leave for work. I obtain a copy of RAW when I get to work. And since I don’t have the foresight to start my review while I’m watching the first half hour, I have to sit through it again. That’s how ThinkSoJoE’s RAW reviews work.
We get a video package detailing the history of the Slammys to kick off the show. We get to make history. But we have to download the WWE App to do it. They have a special set for the Slammys as we kick off our show in Philadelphia, PA. JBL, Michael Cole, and Jerry Lawler are dressed in their best suits/tuxes as they throw us to a recap of the very entertaining TLC PPV from last night.
Rey Mysterio is the first Superstar out, and he has Sin Cara in tow. And one of his pyro blasts doesn’t go off, which he no sells. Damien Sandow is in the ring, sans entrance. Cody Rhodes is ringside with him, and Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler explain in excruciating detail how to download the WWE app from iTunes and Google Play.
Damien Sandow vs. Rey Mysterio
This is the match I got to see while I was home. And I’m not happy about it. Rhodes Scholars didn’t get an entrance, but at least we got a Cubito Aequet this evening, unlike last night at TLC. Sandow deserves better than jobbing to Rey Mysterio. Mysterio gets the 619 and the big splash from the top, and this lackluster opener between two guys who are better than this is over.
Cole tries to get a rib in on JBL by asking him how many Slammys he’s won – to which JBL retorts, “how many WWE Championships have you won?” ZING! Booker T is out to present the “Tell Me I Didn’t Just See That” Award, which is the most shocking moment of the year, apparently.
Tell Me I Did NOT Just See That Moment of the Year
And the nominees are:
- Brad Maddox’s Low Blow (Hell In A Cell)
- 18 Seconds! (WrestleMania)
- Kofi’s Miracle Save (Royal Rumble handstand)
- The Rock Gets Punked (RAW 1000)
I’m the Boogeyman, and I’m comin’ to get ya! Yes! It’s the Boogeyman! He’s here – with worms!
After the break, Booker delivers the “Tell me I did not just see that” line, and as he’s getting ready to present the award, Brad Maddox comes out to the stage, expecting to win, however, Booker announces the winner to be “Kofi Kingstone.” Kofi says he didn’t expect to win, even though he always wanted to win a Slammy, and he thanks the WWE Universe.
In the ring, there’s a Divas match a-brewin’.
Kaitlyn vs. Eve
Kaitlyn beats the holy hell out of Eve as JBL mocks Cole for saying “ewww, gross” when the Boogeyman came out. Jorge sneaks up on Kaitlyn with a rag soaked in actual chloroform, but with as much bleach as she needs to get her hair like that, she’s become immune to chemicals. She hits a gutbuster on Eve for the victory.
The presenters for “comeback of the year” are – the New Age Outlaws! Who are also nominees. I call shenanigans! They do their shtick, and Road Dogg tells Billy he thinks he’ll screw his part up. Billy won’t screw it up, because he’s got it written on his hand
Comeback of the Year
And the nominees are:
- Brock Lesnar
- Chris Jericho
- Jerry “The King” Lawler
Bet you can’t guess who won. Yep, Jerry “The King” Lawler! Jerry sprints up the ramp to accept his (well deserved) award. He thanks everybody that appreciated his comeback.
Fred Flintstone’s favorite wrestler, Coffee Kingstone, makes his way to the ring for action. He’s the Champion of Incontinence. His opponent is about the size of a brontosaurus – it’s Tensai.
Kofi Kingston vs. Tensai
JT is seen in the crowd with a sign that reads “Seriously, look at Kofi’s pecs!” I don’t see anything weird. Kofi wins – quickly – with Trouble in Paradise. He’s attacked after the bell by everybody’s favorite small business owner, Wade Barrett, who nails the Bullhammer elbow.
Cole and King describe in excruciating detail – again – how to download the WWE App for the iPhone and Android devices.
Vickie Guerrero comes out to present the Slammy for Kiss of the Year.
Kiss of the Year
And the nominees are:
- AJ & Daniel Bryan
- AJ & Kane
- AJ & CM Punk
- AJ & John Cena
Before Vickie announces the winner, she wants to state for the record that she would never be nominated for this award. Unlike AJ, she would never abuse her power to get WWE Superstars into a relationship with herself. The winners – AJ & John Cena. AJ comes out to accept, but Vickie asks AJ to explain her reasons for what she did during the ladder match last night. AJ says she doesn’t owe anybody anything. She says she doesn’t care what anybody thinks of her anymore. Vickie calls her a two bit piece of trash. Ziggler breaks up the ensuing argument. Vickie tries to get Dolph’s attention. AJ jumps on Ziggler and plants a kiss. Ziggler is reluctant at first, but essentially he gets into it. AJ skips around him afterward.
We’re explained the end of last night’s ladder match between Ziggler and Cena, and then we get… ugh.
It’s The Mediocre Khali with Natalya, set for action.
The Great Khali vs. David Otunga
Whoopidee doo – another predictable, and presumably short, match. Aksana managed to beat Khali for Worst Wrestler of the Year on the BWF Awards podcast yesterday. I’m not sure how. Sure, her match Friday with Kaitlyn was one long headlock, but this entire match was all chops. Which is what Khali won with. Then he danced with Natalya. Ugh.
Apparently, Superstar of the Year is coming up next. And it’s being presented by… RIC FLAIR?!?!?!?!?!
And the nominees are:
- John Cena
- Big Show
- CM Punk
We’re not given the results immediately after break like we had been all night, instead, we get the announcers plugging how to get the WWE App. Justin Roberts finally welcomes back to the WWE… THE NATURE BOY, RIC FLAIR! No swerve here! Flair is back in a WWE arena! He gets the cheap pop from the people of Philadelphia. And the winner is… John Cena. Note the lack of an exclamation point. This is his third time winning this award. His year didn’t exactly strike me as deserving of this award. But, sheeple.
Cena gives his hustle, loyalty, and respect speech. He recognizes the loyalty of the WWE Universe. Out of respect, the Superstar of this year most certainly should be the greatest Superstar of all time. The two-time Hall of Fame Nature Boy Ric Flair. Yes, Cena just gave his Slammy to Ric Flair. Ric Flair is the Superstar of the Year. He spent most of the year in TNA. He’s thankfully interrupted by the WWE Champion, CM Punk. #KNEES2FACES! Punk says it’s ridiculous on multiple levels. This doesn’t belong to Flair, he hasn’t even been here in the past calendar year, and the fact that anybody voted for Cena is atrocious. It’s the worst year of John Cena’s life. He got beat by The Rock, Punk beat him at SummerSlam, he lost last night, he’s the first Superstar to cash in Money In The Bank and lose, he’s a loser. Like everybody in Philadelphia, and like Ric Flair. Punk used to listen to Shawn Michaels listen to how he wanted to grow up and be Ric Flair. Punk never wanted to be anybody else. He was Superstar of the Year last year, and he’s claiming it for himself this year. He’s been champion for (accurately, this week) 393 days! He’s the man, not Cena, and not Flair. Punk’s the man. Wooooo! Flair makes reference to his expensive watch and talks about Flair not being able to walk and calls Paul Heyman “baggage.” Flair says he hasn’t been here, but he’s been watching. Punk says with one leg he can still kick Punk’s ass. Punk says “let’s talk about baggage.” Flair pokes fun at having four ex wives. Punk says he could beat up everybody in Philly. Flair says let’s handle it. Flair walks to the ring. Paul Heyman tries to talk Punk out of it as he hobbles to the ring….
Flair holds the ropes open for the WWE Champion, who just now got to the ring after the break. Punk hits Flair with his crutch, breaking one over the back of the 16-time World Champion. Punk does a limping version of Flair’s strut. He tries to hit Flair with the crutch again, but Flair thumbs him in the eye, then locks Paul Heyman in the figure four. Flair says he just came to have a good time. Then he tells Jerry Lawler he loves him, and we’ll never lose the two of them. Flair starts babbling about Philadelphia, when The Shield’s generic entrance music kicks in. Flair tells them to come on down to the ring.
Team Hell No has jumped in to help Ric Flair. Ambrose decks Flair, and Jorge and I look down. I tell Flair, “That’s what you get for WrestleMania 24 not being your last match! That’s injustice!” The Shield have decimated Flair and Team Hell No, and they set up Flair for the triple powerbomb through the announce table, but Ryback is out for the save. He fights off all three members of The Shield, Team Hell No get back involved, and Rollins gets press slammed onto the announce table. Ryback, Flair, Bryan, and Kane stand tall.
Backstage, Flair and Team Hell No are celebrating. They finally got to the Shield. Kane yells “YES!” Bryan yells “NO!” Flair yells “WOO!” This goes on for a while. Until Ron Simmons yells “DAMN!”
Back in the ring, Brodus Clay and the Funkadactyls are dancing. Brodus is wrestling JTG. Do I even have to recap?
Brodus Clay vs. JTG
Happy to have some TV time, JTG? Brooklyn was last night, buddy. He actually gets a few offensive moves in. I wonder if Kofi Kingstone has ever seen a real Funkasaurus back in Bedrock. Clay picks up the predictable quick victory. Then he dances with children.
Santino Marella are here to present the Slammy for LOL Moment of the Year. I hope it’s Tensai’s Tout. Open your eyes, dummy! Tensai has an icepack taped to his head. Santino tries not to laugh as he presents the award. Santino calls him “Albert.” Santino says he’ll say Tensai’s line for him – “I know things that are funny, or my name isn’t Tensai… and in Japanese, Tensai means ‘Fat Albert!'” Tensai grabs Santino, who says “that’s what it says on the teleprompter.” To which Tensai replies, “There is no teleprompter!”
LOL Moment of the Year
And the nominees are:
- The Rock (with John Cena merch)
- Team Hell No (anger management)
- Randall Keith Orton (fighting Del Rio in catering)
- Vickie Guerrero (dance contest with Brodus Clay)
Santino offers to let Tensai read the winner. Tensai declines. The winner is The Rock. Who isn’t here. And is booed for it. Santino accepts the award on his behalf, and if The Rock doesn’t come for it, he’s gonna keep it. Daniel Bryan takes it from Santino and says this should be his Slammy. Kane carries him off.
Meanwhile in the ring…
Sin Cara vs. Cody Rhodes
Mysterio is ringside. So is Sandow, I’d presume. I have no idea. I can’t see a damn thing. Damned orange lights. Remember when G was all gung ho about Sin Cara’s debut? Speaking of Sin Cara, did I mention that Botched Spot won our IWC Content Of The Year award on yesterday’s podcast? Rhodes hits the CrossRhodes, and this one is over. It makes up for Sandow’s loss earlier in the night. Michael Cole calls out JBL for making another Freddie Mercury reference about Cody’s mustache. JBL says “how about Blackjack Bradshaw?” That’s why I like the guy on commentary.
Speaking of commentary, they AGAIN beat the dead horse of how to download the WWE App. I KNOW how to download apps.
Layla and Eve are out to present the next award. Layla starts babbling about social media. And shills the fucking app. I get it, dammit. Trending Now Hashtag of the Year.
Trending Now Hashtag of the Year
And the nominees are:
If this was a real awards show, the nominees wouldn’t be presenting the awards their nominated for. #WWELogic
Zack Ryder is serious bro, we have a winner. And the Slammy goes to… #FEEDMEMORE. Ryder spews his catchphrase and says he’ll bring the award to Ryback.
Big Show makes his way out for action. Or at least his music hits. Oh, there he is. He’s got the ginormous chair he used on Sheamus last night. Justin Roberts says to please welcome him, so he’s not wrestling. He’s limping on the way to the ring. Big Show isn’t surprised he’s not Superstar of the Year. He’s not upset though, because he’s still the World Heavyweight Champion. He did what he said he’d do – he defeated Sheamus. What will it take for him to prove that he’s the most dominant force in the WWE. Before Sheamus slipped into unconsciousness last night… the fans start chanting “boring.” Show threatens to sit in the ring all night if they keep that up. Sheamus makes his way to the ring. Thought we’d be done with this after last night. Oh well. Let’s see where this goes. Sheamus says he’s got no regrets about last night’s match. It was a hell of a fight. Last night, Show was the better man and deserves to be the World Heavyweight Champion. Sheamus offers a handshake. Show accepts the handshake, and tells Sheamus to get to the back of the line “you potato eating Irishman.” He continues the insults, and Sheamus goes off on Big Show, hitting him with the giant chair and a huge Brogue Kick. The World Heavyweight Champion is unconscious in the middle of the ring… And Dolph Ziggler is in the house!!!! He hands the briefcase to a referee, but Cena attacks him before he can cash in. What a sore loser. The bell never rang, so therefore, Ziggler still has Money In The Bank.
Obligatory TLC PPV recap, and then 3MB are in the house! Six man tag team action! Hey, didn’t they say they were performing tonight? G is seen chasing around the chihuahua that was chasing him last week. Ricardo Rodriguez tries to stop him, but gets knocked down, so Alberto Del Rio locks G in the cross armbar. Ok, that didn’t really happen – but Ricardo Rodriguez introduces the newest WWE babyface, Albertooooooooooooooooooooooo Del Rioooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! For what it’s worth, I held down the “o” key for the duration of Ricardo’s announcement of Del Rio. I think that should be a new rule. One of his partners is The Miz, who doesn’t have his own ring announcer.
Backstage, Dolph Ziggler is looking for Vickie Guerrero. He complains that Cena cost him the World Heavyweight Championship. She’s got questions for him. What happened at TLC? How was that kiss with AJ? How did he get AJ to help him? He had no idea. He then says his and Vickie’s relationship is over. It’s tired, old, and just plain ugly – just like her. Vickie makes a match – Ziggler and AJ vs. Cena and Vickie. That should be interesting. Unlike this – The Miz has a mic. They surprised everybody with the Brooklyn Brawler last night. Tonight’s partner isn’t just awesome, he takes it to the extreme. Ladies and Gentlemen, the heart and soul of ECW, Tommy Dreamer!!!!! E-C-DUB! E-C-DUB!
The Miz, Alberto Del Rio, and Tommy Dreamer vs. 3MB
The Philly fans chant ECW, and JBL says, “who’s it gonna be in Buffalo, Jim Kelly?” Since they’re not coming to Buffalo until March, I don’t know why he said that. Dreamer gets the tag in, rocking a House of Hardcore t-shirt. Slater shoves Dreamer, who mocks him and punches him in the face. All hell breaks loose, of course. 3MB get dumped to the floor and Dreamer flies! As do we, into a commercial break. This match is predictably dominated by the faces. The faces. Miz. Del Rio. The faces. Seriously. 3MB mount a comeback as soon as I mention that they’re getting beat up. The obligatory Ravi Shankar reference from the announcers as Jinder Mahal is in the ring. 3MB dominate The Miz for a while. Until I say that. Which is why I said it. I’m getting bored with this. It’s 3:15 in the morning. FFW! Del Rio goes for the cross armbreaker on Slater when I stop FFWing, but tags in Dreamer, who hits the Dreamer DDT and pins Slater for the victory!
Sheamus comes out to present our next award. Tommy Dreamer is still in the ring, so nobody cares. Tree years ago, Sheamus won Newcomer of the Year. Now he’s presenting it.
Newcomer of the Year
And the nominees are:
- Antonio Cesaro
- Brodus Clay
- Damien Sandow (the BWF “Best New Character” winner!)
And the winner is: Ryback. Who actually comes out to accept this time. What did Ryder do with his other Slammy? Ryback quotes Owen Hart – “Enough is enough, and it’s time for a change.” Ryback says he is that change. Feed me more. Then he heads to get him some dinner. And holy fuck do we got a solid match about to happen – his opponent is the United States Champion, Antonio Cesaro, who claims the voting is rigged, because he’s the true newcomer of the year. He’s stronger than Ryback, smarter than Ryback, and he’s a champion, unlike Ryback.
Antonio Cesaro vs. Ryback
This is going to be intense. And I’m not disappointed. You can hear the shots Cesaro is delivering. Goldberg chants commence. Ryback isn’t helping his case with the stalling suplex that looks like he could hit a Jackhammer any second. These guys are hard hitting. Cesaro decides to bail before Ryback can go for the meat hook clothesline. Ryback tosses him back in the ring, but Cesaro exits the other way and gets counted out.
Mean Gene Okerlund is here! With Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat! And Jim Ross! They’re here to award the final Slammy of the Night. It’s for Match of the Year, which Steamboat says he’s won a couple of. JR says each one of these is deserving.
Match of the Year
And the nominees are:
- Undertaker vs. Triple H – End of an Era (WrestleMania)
- Brock Lesnar vs. John Cena (Extreme Rules)
- Sheamus vs. Big Show (Hell In A Cell)
- Rock vs. Cena – Once In A Lifetime (WrestleMania)
And the winner is – Undertaker vs. Triple H. I’ll take it. It wasn’t Rock/Cena, and that’s all that matters to me. Triple H and his short hair come to the podium to accept. The Philly fans give Triple H his deserved respect. He says he won best hair back in “like ’97.” The fans chant “we want ‘Taker!” Triple H says the match was magical. He says he’ll let us in on a little something. There’s a million dollar question hanging in the air, and Triple H is going to answer it – “you’ve not seen the last of The Undertaker.”
Backstage, The Shield are destroying Tommy Dreamer. Ricardo gets involved and gets taken out as well.
AJ is out first for our main event! She has some stagehands bring her a gigantic ladder. She takes a microphone, climbs the ladder, and we go to a commercial break!
On top of the ladder, AJ says she’s full of surprises. People want to know why she did what she did to Cena. She thought it would be obvious. The reason why she knocked John Cena off of the ladder at TLC…. EXCUSE ME! Vickie says nobody cares. Or something to that effect. I stopped listening at “EXCUSE ME.” Ziggler comes out next. AJ smiles at him. Cena’s out next. And we’re set for a Tag Team Match, Playa!
John Cena & Vickie Guerrero vs. Dolph Ziggler and AJ Lee
It’s going on 4AM as I watch this. And I’m hungry. But I love my readers. All two of you. So I’m going to suffer. There’s less than 5 minutes left anyway. The “Let’s Go Cena/Cena Sucks” chants start. Ziggler tagged in AJ, meaning Cena has to tag in Vickie Guerrero. Vickie tackles AJ, who turns the tide – and bails. Ziggler goes after Cena, taking his frustrations out on him. Vickie takes it upon herself to leave, so the two legal people in this match left and weren’t counted out. Ziggler drops Cena with a DDT. For a two count. AJ and Vickie are legal in this match. Dolph got a two count on Cena. This makes sense, apparently. Cena locks in the STF. Ziggler escapes. AJ returns with Big E. Langston, who destroys Cena. BTW, to all the sites out there calling Big E. Langston “Ryblack,” I might point out that my wife called him that a few weeks ago, and I mentioned it on BWF Radio. You’re welcome. AJ skips around Big E. Langston as the show goes off the air.
I’m hungry. Big E. Langston, huh? Here’s the thing about him. He’s a beast in the ring. His mic skills need work though – so maybe that’s why he’s with AJ. Guess we’ll find out what’s going on in the upcoming weeks. I’m not a huge fan of Langston, but I don’t dislike the guy either. Screw finishing this. I’m going to eat. Later.
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