Welcome everyone to Monday Night RAW! It’s the 20th Anniversary of this show, which is an impressive feat for any show, let alone one that airs every single week of the year. I expect a solid show. No wait, no I don’t. There’s going to be another “Rock concert” tonight. The last one sucked ankle biting rat dog balls.
I watch 30 minutes of the show, leave for work, then watch the entire show at work whilst reviewing whatever WWE puts on my TV. And I make shit up as I go along too, because that’s what the RAW writers do. Let me entertainment you!
The show kicks off with a mashup of all the old RAW themes. It’s actually pretty cool. Until they get to Nickelback. Nickelback sucks.
Mr. McMahon is here. Look busy. The WWE Chairman welcomes us to the 20th Anniversary of Monday Night RAW. He tells us that over 4 Billion viewers have enjoyed Monday Night RAW in the US alone over the last 20 years. Why? Because McMahon is a certifiable genius. And because of each of every one of us, and he thanks us. He tells us we’ve got Dolph Ziggler vs. John Cena in a steel cage tonight, as well as a Rock concert. Big Show interrupts, he wants to talk to “Vince” about what happened last Friday. Mr. McMahon tells him that he doesn’t like being interrupted, or being called Vince, or being told what to do. Vince says Big Show lost weight. Big Show says he cut back on carbs, but Vince says he dropped the weight of the World Heavyweight Championship. McMahon rolls the footage from last Friday, much to Big Show’s chagrin. Show says he wasn’t prepared for that type of match, and goes off on his “Latino hero” rant again. He says Booker T is jealous of his iron clad contract. Everybody in this country is inferior to Big Show because he has said contract. Big Show asks McMahon to strip Alberto Del Rio of the World Heavyweight Championship. Del Rio’s music hits, and Ricardo comes out with a bucket in hand. He introduces the new World Heavyweight Champion, Albertoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Del Rioooooooooo! Del Rio comes out sans car. He calls Big Show a crybaby. Del Rio suggests Big Show face him for the World Heavyweight Title tonight. Big Show says he’s not prepared, he’s in a custom made suit. Del Rio says Big Show is bigger and stronger, he should show some cahones, perro. Show says he’s the one who will determine when the rematch is going to happen, and that will be at the Royal Rumble. Del Rio calls him a fat jackass. Big Show asks the crowd if they’re ok with Del Rio insulting him. They chant “Si.” Show says “What does the letter C have to do with anything?” Del Rio tells him to relax, they have a present for him. Ricardo picks up the bucket. Show says “Ricardo. I’ll tell you right now – if you throw water on this suit, I will break your spine in half, do you understand me?” Ricardo tosses the contents of the bucket on Show – confetti! Del Rio and Show brawl, with Del Rio coming out on top, chasing off the giant, with a little help from Ricardo, of course.
Still to come, it’s John Cena vs. Dolph Ziggler inside a steel cage. Then The Rock pretends he can sing.
September 7, 2009: Bob Barker hosts RAW. They showed this on RAW 1000.
Intercontinental Champion and small business owner Wade Barrett is in the ring. His opponent is RANDALL KEITH ORTON. Who will face the United States Champion this Wednesday on Main Event. JT is seen in the audience with a sign reading “Where is Team Alpha?!?”
Randy Orton vs. Wade Barrett
Ugh. Orton’s a SmackDown superstar. Why am I stuck reviewing his match on RAW? If we’re completely ignoring the “brand extension,” why do we still have two world championships? Orton clotheslines Barrett to the floor. A perfect time to go… get… a fish… meal.
Yup. This match is still on. It’s easy to hit an RKO on a drive thru speaker box. Drive thru speaker boxes don’t fight back. I’m bored. FFW! Orton starts pounding the mat, Barrett reverses, slams Orton’s shoulder into the steel post, then nails the Bullhammer for the victory! A clean win for Barrett over Orton!
Still to come, The Rock concert. Yippie. Also, we’ll reveal the first inductee into the 2013 class of the Hall of Fame. Which they already did on WWE.com last week. So, in other words, WWE.com spoiled their own show again.
Eve is walking backstage. She runs into Booker T and the ghost of SmackDown GMs past. Booker says that Eve has a special stipulation in her Diva’s Championship match tonight. And that is, if she thinks about getting counted out or disqualified, she’ll be stripped of the title, and it will be awarded to Kaitlyn. She says he can’t do that. He says he just did that. She says she’s sure there’s something they can work out. Booker takes his glasses off, then laughs at her. “Tell me, you didn’t just try that.” Eve slaps Teddy Long for laughing along with Booker.
Dr. Shelby has weird followup schedules. Earlier today he was with Team Hell No. They agree they don’t want to be there. Bryan says they should just tell Dr. Shelby what he wants to hear. Kane agrees. Dr. Shelby is proud of them. They share a group hug. Bryan says they’ve beaten their anger problem, and asks if they can go. Dr. Shelby says he just has one question for each of them. Just a formality. He asks Bryan what his favorite part about Kane is. Bryan says he likes that Kane is tall, that he can set things on fire by lowering his arms somehow, and he’s quite a good dancer. Shelby asks Kane the same thing about Daniel. Kane says in the ring, Bryan is very agile, and he’s got a great beard, and he’s not afraid to admit that sometimes he wears women’s clothing. Shelby says they’ve made great progress, and they’re free to go. But he wants to try one more thing. He calls for somebody to be sent in. It’s Team Rhodes Scholars. They’re here to cause a trigger for their anger, to see how they deal with it. It’s called exposure therapy. Damien Sandow corrects Dr. Shelby. Rhodes Scholars are supposed to try to anger Team Hell No, and Team Friendship are supposed to find their happy place. Rhodes and Sandow tell Shelby he doesn’t know what he’s doing. Sandow suggests that Team Hell No would be better served getting advice from Dr. Phil. This sets Shelby over the edge. He sicks Team Hell No on Rhodes Scholars. Team Hell No and Dr. Shelby chant “Yes.”
Speaking of Team Hell No, they’re on their way to the ring. Kane is apparently in action. That’s NEXT!
Kane’s opponent this evening is your intellectual savior, Damien Sandow.
Kane vs. Damien Sandow
I don’t need to call anything in this match. Because it’s my website. I get to choose what I write. Unlike that schmuck on Friday nights, who has to write what I tell him. Sandow hit the Cubito Aequet, but it’s Kane with the chokeslam for the victory.
Up next, we find out who the first inductee in the 2013 class of the WWE Hall of Fame is. I wonder who it could be!
Short Attention Span theater: Jorge is glued to his TV watching this. Literally. He was making macaroni pictures and got distracted while playing Angry Birds. We’re shown Alberto Del Rio assaulting Big Show earlier in the night.
Justin Roberts introduces us to the first inductee into the 2013 class of the WWE Hall of Fame. The suspense is killing me. Oh look at that, it’s Mick Foley. Didn’t see that coming. JBL ponders which face of Foley he’ll go in as. Mick gets the cheap pop. Then he gets Team Beta. The Shield make their way to the ring through the crowd. They surround the ring. Ryback’s music hits. He rushes to the ring, and does his best to fend off the Shield, but three on one doesn’t bode well for anybody. RANDALL KEITH ORTON joins the fray. Not the shitty pop rock band, the melee in the ring. Sheamus heads out and evens the odds. Orton, Sheamus, and Ryback stand tall as Ambrose gets Shell Shocked.
Josh Mathews tells Ryback that The Shield and he are on a collision course. Ryback says The Shield have allowed Punk to walk away with the WWE Championship. Ryback doesn’t care about conspiracy theories. He just wants to give back to The Shield what they have taken from him. Feed him Shield.
RAW 20th Anniversary: Gimmicks. Tourette’s Goldust, Man Mountain Rock, Duke “The Dumpster,” Beaver Cleavage, Bastion Booger, Gillberg, Rockabilly, and many more make appearances in this package. Even Real Man’s Man Steven Regal!
Up next, it’s Eve vs. Kaitlyn for the Diva’s Championship!
Kaitlyn is in the ring, wearing a “Don’t Mess with Texas” shirt. Guess she’s the WWE knockoff of Miss Tessmacher. Eve is out next, and Jorge is lurking around somewhere, with a TV still glued to his head.
Eve vs. Kaitlyn: WWE Divas Championship
Will tonight be the night they give Kaitlyn the title? Eve can lose the title on a countout or disqualification, so now would make sense. Especially since they’re in Kaitlyn’s hometown. The fans are behind her, chanting “Let’s go Kaitlyn.” Or maybe they were saying “Texans.” Even though they lost yesterday. Kaitlyn gets the power game going, and nails a reverse DDT, but only scores two. Eve drops Kaitlyn with a neckbreaker, but Kaitlyn kicks out at two as well. This is actually a pretty solid Divas match. Eve tries to get Kaitlyn counted out, but fails to realize that the challenger was actually back in the ring before she was. Kaitlyn nails a spear, and we’ve got a new WWE Divas Champion!
Josh Mathews is backstage with Brodus Clay. He asks him about Punk’s comments about him from last week. Brodus doesn’t look happy. He says Punk needs to keep Brodus’ name out of his mouth. The pipe bomb is about to blow up in Punk’s face. NEXT!
I couldn’t think of anything else to put here.
March 12, 2007: Mr. McMahon/Donald Trump contract signing. Trump shoves McMahon over a table.
Brodus Clay gets an entrance this week. With the Funkadactyls. So apparently, it’s Punk vs. Funk. Not the WWE Hall of Fame Funks. The Brodus Clay funk. The Champ is here. He checks Paul Heyman’s watch, and it just so happens to be CLOBBERIN’ TIME!
CM Punk vs. Brodus Clay
Why does Brodus Clay have a new t-shirt? It’s not like the dude is ever on TV. Aside from right now. Punk makes Clay look like a bona fide contender. The fans are 100% behind Punk in this one. Probably because they have no idea who Brodus Clay is. They haven’t seen him in a while. The WWE Universe are a bunch of morons who need to be reminded of things 10 seconds after they happen or they’ll forget, you know. At least that’s how WWE treats us. Punk hits the Macho Man elbow, then taps Clay with the Anaconda Vise for the victory.
Punk gets on the mic, and says he’s here to do what he does every Monday night. A little bit later, The Rock will come out here to do whatever it is he does. Punk says that some people may find one or the other more entertaining (I’d venture to say that leans heavily in Punk’s favor. It’s 100% on BWF Radio, every Sunday at 2PM Eastern), and people are entitled to their opinions, but not their own facts. It’s nobody’s opinion that Punk made a 400 pound monster tap out, it’s a fact. The WWE Title belongs to Punk for 421 days, fact. The Rock will come out and sing and dance and entertain, maybe. No matter who’s opinion, The Rock will NOT leave Royal Rumble as WWE Champion, because Punk is the best in the world. That’s not just his opinion, that’s a fact.
The Rock concert, still to come tonight, as well as John Cena vs. Dolph Ziggler in a steel cage.
I still can’t think of anything.
RAW 20th Anniversary: Best vehicular moments. They include the beer truck, Kane stealing an ambulance with Lita in it, Vince’s limo mishaps, Alberto hitting Santa, the cement in the Corvette, Edge mocking Ric Flair’s road rage, Eric Bischoff in the garbage truck, Sheamus stealing Del Rio’s car, Cryme Tyme and Cena destroying JBL’s limo, the Zamboni, Austin’s monster truck, Kofi destroying Orton’s NASCAR (in Buffalo, I might add), and it ends with McMahon’s limo blowing up.
Backstage, Foley is on the phone, telling his kids he wasn’t scared of the Shield, when Dwyane shows up. Foley asks for a handshake. Rock asks Foley if he thought he came all the way over here to shake his hand – then hugs him. He congratulates Mick on the Hall of Fame. Mick keeps stealing the “finally” line. Rock obliges with “Finally, The Rock” “And Sock!” “Has come back to Houston!” Vickie Guerrero scolds them for talking too loud. This is her show. She asks The Rock if he has anything to say. He says he’s got nothing to say to her. Foley says he thought Rock was going to lay the verbal smackdown on her. Dwayne says to trust him.
Limes and lobster heads abound as Sheamus makes his way to the ring for an over the top rope challenge, as Michael Cole informs us that Saturday Morning Slam is moving to 10:30 AM on Saturdays.
3MB are in the ring when we come back. This shouldn’t last long.
Sheamus vs. Drew McIntyre vs. Heath Slater vs. Jinder Mahal: Over The Top Rope Challenge
3MB work as a team trying to eliminate Sheamus first. They have trouble doing so. They wind up beating down the former World Heavyweight Champion. Sheamus winds up eliminating Jinder, then Drew, and he has Slater all to himself. He misses the Brogue Kick, but lands on the apron. Mahal and McIntyre wind up pulling Sheamus out to the floor, allowing Heath Slater to pick up the victory! SLATER WINS! SLATER WINS!! SLATER WINS!!!
Sheamus attacks 3MB after the match, Brogue Kicking Slater off of McIntyre’s shoulders, and giving McIntyre a Brogue Kick of his own.
Josh Mathews asks John Cena about Big E. Langston. Cena says we should talk about the history of Monday Night RAW. In fact, here’s what he said:
“Recent history? Tonight is the 20th anniversary of Monday Night RAW! We should be talking about Austin, Rock, Kane, Taker, Game, Meat, HBK, Y2J, DOA, Hogan, Hall, Nash, Los Guerreros, Los Conquistadors, Batista, The Basham Brothers, Braden Walker.. wait, wait, wait. Braden Walker was never on RAW. Hell of a highlight though. Recent history? Forget about it. You wanna waste time talking about my recent history, this is what’s happened. I ate Fruity Pebbles, became invisible, became visible, got liked, got hated, posted, Touted, Tweeted, tooted, took a bowel movement the size of Papa Shango, who cares?!?”
I thought it was funny. Screw you if you didn’t. Also, screw you if you’re cheering for The Miz coming to the stage in a suit. He’s got a special guest on MizTV. It’s a Hall of Famer, and it’s going to be awesome. He asks if we want a hint. Here’s a hint. Wooooooooo!
Earlier, Ryback ran off the Shield. I figure you probably forgot. So I reminded you.
Miz has been boring the live audience for 10 minutes now, and now it’s time for him to bore the piss out of the television audience. Maybe senile Ric Flair can save this segment. Here he comes now! Flair shows off his Hall of Fame rings, as if to say “I didn’t have to pawn these for alimony yet.” Miz puts over all the stuff Flair has done on RAW, and asks him what his favorite moment in the 20 years of RAW is. He says it was the night after WrestleMania 24 when he retired. Other than the birth of his children, that was the biggest night of his life. He wants to talk about the future. He was talking to somebody nobody’s heard of about Ryback and the Shield. Then he shows off his Rolex from Shawn Michaels. Miz gets in his face, then asks him to strut around the ring again. Even senile Ric Flair can’t save MizTV. Miz throws to a clip package. It’s the catch phrase package from RAW 1000 with a couple of extra things thrown in. Miz says there was one catch phrase missing. Only one person can say it perfectly, and he drives in a… Flair answers “A car?” Miz says he flies in a… “He’s a Super Hero?” He takes this away from the ladies… “This show is PG, I’m not gonna get myself in trouble.” Flair then obliges The Miz, and says this is for The Rock. “Limousine ridin’, jet flyin’, wheelin’ dealin’, kiss stealin’…” He’s cut off by the music of Antonio Cesaro, the WWE United States Champion. He says he doesn’t need a catch phrase. He had to come out and see what a great country America truly is, because Miz and Ric Flair embody America. A failed reality TV star, who’s more focused on fame than greatness, hosting a talk show where his guest is a 16 time World Champion who made 10 million dollars and spent 30 million dollars trying to maintain the illusion of past greatness. Just like America, no matter how great Flair was, he has nothing to show for it right now, except maybe a bar tab he can’t pay. And the only thing four fingers stand for these days is Flair’s four ex wives. Miz says he’s paying Flair’s bar tab tonight, but he’ll give Cesaro the receipt right now. Cesaro says he’ll take the opportunity to be the bigger man and walk away. Flair chops the US Champ, and Irish whips him into a Skull Crushing Finale. Flair lets Miz lock in the Figure Four. Flair drops an elbow on his blazer.
January 19, 1998: Mike Tyson and Steve Austin clash.
Daniel Bryan makes his way to the ring, with Kane. So I guess we’re getting the obligatory Bryan/Cody Rhodes match. Yup. Cody’s grooming his mustache before we get started.
Daniel Bryan vs. Cody Rhodes
It’s the essence of mustachioed excellence vs. The Dazzler. Only on Monday Night RAW! Yes lock, victory for Daniel Bryan.
Earlier, Eve lost her title to Kaitlyn, and she talked to Matt Striker. She says she’s the victim. The crowd should be cheering for her. She says she quits.
So long, Eve! We want Paige!
Alberto Del Rio’s Championship Fiesta on Friday. Enjoy Big Show dressed as a mariachi band member, G!
AJ says her favorite element of the past 20 years of RAW is romance. She throws it to a clip of Kane breaking up Edge and Lita’s wedding. Then she throws to a clip of Stephanie getting Pedigreed by Triple H when they were renewing their vows. Big E interrupts her and says this wedding moment almost made him shed a tear – AJ leaving Daniel Bryan at the altar. She says it was the best moment of her life, and John Cena took it away from her. Ziggler comes in to comfort her. He says Cena will feel the same pain AJ has felt. Tonight, inside a steel cage, he’ll prove to the world that he’s just too damn good. When he wins, it’s gonna be the greatest show stealing performance in the history of Monday Night RAW. Show. Off.
JIM ROSS! JR IS HERE!!! BOOMER SOONER! I see him every week on NXT, but it’s still a treat to see him on RAW. He’ll be calling the cage match with King and JBL.
We get our entrances for the cage match when we come back. Cena bites a rhyme from Mike D of the Beastie Boys on his way to the ring.
John Cena vs. Dolph Ziggler: Steel Cage Match
Ziggler looks for the early escape victory, Cena denies it. They had a solid match last week, I hope this one can live up to that. I’ll give credit where it’s due, when Cena’s got a good opponent to work with, a la Punk or Ziggler, he has great matches. Hell, I don’t think anybody would deny that the match of the year a few years back was Cena/HBK on RAW. Ziggler and Cena battle on the top of the cage, Cena nearly gets knocked down, but manages to keep Ziggler from escaping. Five moves of doom and whatnot. Ziggler escapes the AA by trying to climb the cage. Ziggler hits the superkick for a two count. He tries to escape through the door, but Cena catches him. Big E and Cena play tug of war with Ziggler, with Cena trying to pull him in, and Langston trying to pull him out. Cena won and went for the STF, but it was countered into the sleeper. Cena climbs the turnbuckles with Ziggler on his back with the sleeper locked in. Cena collapsed to the canvas and Ziggler crashes with him. Big E slams the cage door on Cena’s head, but Cena kicks out at 2 when Dolph covers him. Langston chases a nearly victorious Cena back into the cage with a steel chair. AJ flips out when Ziggler can’t pin Cena after a second rope DDT, and climbs into the cage. Big E tries to attack Cena with the MITB briefcase. Ziggler misses with it as well, and Cena hits the AA for the victory.
Oh boy, Dwayne is here. And there’s 15 minutes left in the show. Great. He says it’s an honor to close out tonight’s show. Rock remembers his first time on RAW, looking like the biggest badass the world has ever seen. They show the picture. “Sweet moonwalkin’ baby Moses, what was I thinkin’?” He says that picture proves that if you put your mind to it, you can overcome anything. Rock’s first song is in the tune of “Heartbreak Hotel.” He’s singing for somebody who really deserves it.
Well, The Rock knows all the Divas
But one thinks she’s the best
The one who wears an ugly suit
and has big floppy breasts.
His name is Paul Heyman
His name is Paul Heyman,
He’s so ugly, make you cry.
Well you’re runnin’ down the people
Rock knows your secret fears
Your fat covers up your little penis
Which you haven’t seen in years.
He hasn’t seen it
He hasn’t seen it
He hasn’t seen it in years.
Ugh. Now he’s got the guitar. And the idiots in Houston are chanting his name. Rock name drops Dusty Hill from ZZ Top, who is in the audience. He says his favorite curve on a woman is her smile. There’s a special woman that Rock wants to sing a special song to tonight. No, not Cookiepuss. He asks Vickie Guerrero to come out. She obliges. It’s an Eric Clapton song.
Late in the evening, she’s wondering what clothes to wear
She puts on her makeup, she brushes her short black hair
And then she’ll ask me, “Do I look alright”
And I said “no, biotch, you look horrible tonight.”
Abuse all your power, waste everybody’s time
You dress like a hooker, not the expensive kind
Take your ass to the airport, take a one way flight
Because biotch, you look horrible tonight.
I said biotch, you look horrible tonight.
Alright. I laughed. I still wouldn’t be chanting for him like those idiots in Houston. Dwayne says he wants to call somebody out. He wants to call out the WWE Champion, CM Punk. Rock wants to tell him something man to man. Punk comes out, Heyman in tow. Rock says for 421 days, no one has been able to stop Punk. Fact. Paul Heyman has Twinkie tits. Fact. Last week on RAW, Punk said that facing Rock would be like boxing with God. Punk ain’t God. Fact. In 13 days Dwayne will beat him for the WWE Title. Punk hands the title to Heyman, whispers something in his ear, then runs to the ring, and then Punk and Rock start laying into each other. Officials try to break them up, but they’re not doing a good job. Finally the agents have to come out and separate them as the show fades to black.
Well, The Rock concert didn’t suck as badly as the one he did a year ago. I highly doubt Punk is going to come out and rap next week. Cena had no reason to win the cage match, but it’s Cena, so whatever. The rest of the show was pretty “meh.” I thought it would’ve been better given that it’s the 20th anniversary of the show. No Austin, again, just like RAW 1000. New Divas Champion, so that’s cool. Orton losing clean to Barrett was another plus. Oh well, it’s over. Still looking forward to the Rumble. Goodnight folks.
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