You may have noticed there was no RAW review last week. That’s because I got about halfway through and fell asleep watching, and just couldn’t convince myself it was worth finishing. This week I don’t think that will be a problem. Let’s go.
I don’t usually do this anymore, but this was epic, so I’m going to quote Triple H.
“Now I’ll admit, I’m mad. I am very mad today. I’m madder than I’ve ever been in a long time, but I have options on how I handle this. I have options. You know what I’m gonna do about it? You know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna… I’m gonna… I’m gonna Tweet my displeasure. That’s right, I’m gonna jump on social media and I’m gonna Tweet about it until my fingers bleed. I might even send an Instagram. Or a Vine. That’s right, and on that Tweet, in that Tweet, and however many characters I get, I am gonna threaten. That’s right, if I don’t get what I want, I’m gonna riot. And if that doesn’t work, then by God, me and my friend Mark, we’re gonna stop watching. That’s right.”
Well, anyway, Triple H announces that he’s going to pick John Cena’s opponent tonight. So people need to impress him. Could be Randy Orton, or Kane, or Roman Reigns. Because nobody’s seen the SummerSlam poster. I wonder who will be Cena’s opponent. Plan C and whatnot.
Did anybody NOT see Reigns winning the handicap match against Orton and Kane? HashtagPredictable.
My wife tells me Eva Marie learned how to wrestle. I haven’t watched any of her matches, so I’ll have to take her word for it. I wonder if her partners Rosa Mendes, Cameron, and Alicia Fox learned to wrestle too? Nikki Bella has vastly improved over the years though, I’ll give her that. Haha, Stephanie McMahon called Brie Bella (who is in the crowd) Nikki. Stephanie slapped Brie! She assaulted a fan! Brie should sue! FWIW, I think I could be a good wrestler too if my matches were 10 seconds long.
Bo Dallas vs. LeBron James. Well, Damien Sandow in LeBron gear. With “MIAMI” crossed off and “Cleveland” written in. Love it! 16 and BO! Or 18 and BO if you ask JBL.
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God Damn is the Wyatt Family entrance awesome with the cell phones lighting up the arena. Apparently Chris Jericho got assaulted by the Family before this segment on the WWE App. Sister Abigail from Bray Wyatt into the locker room wall. Sick! I love the way they light the ring for Wyatt Family promos too. Everything about the presentation of these guys is just amazing. And this promo is a lot like the early Bray Wyatt promos, which makes it even better. Seek it out.
“Chris, what happened?” R-Truth apparently doesn’t have the WWE App.
So if The Miz thinks he’s Andy Kaufman, does that make the Intercontinental Championship the Inter-Gender Wrestling Championship of the World? I mean, Chyna was champion at one point, so that makes sense, right? Miz beats Dolph Ziggler in a match that puts me to sleep again. I think it’s The Miz. That’s the reason I keep dosing while watching this show every week.
Cesaro is no longer a Paul Heyman guy. He wants to be a Triple H guy.
Holy shit, Emma made TV! I wonder how long until JBL makes some kind of joke about her robbing a WalMart. Pai-J make an awesome tag team, BTW. Or at least they did until Paige beat the shit out of AJ Lee. I’m confused – is this a heel turn? I mean, the fans are booing Paige while she beats down the champ. Advancing two separate Divas storylines in one episode of RAW? What a novel concept! Also, I see that Paige has been taking screaming lessons from Brock Lesnar.
Oh Radio, tell me everything you know. I know Zack Ryder has gotten entrances two days in a row. And this time with Summer Rae and Layla – or Summer Lay as Mark called them on BWFRadio yesterday. Or as they call themselves, “SLayers.” How does Fandango feel being the first guy to lose to Zack Ryder in a year or so on RAW? Even Ryder can’t believe it!
Flo Rida? Oh boy. Heath Slater interrupts! And gets shoved to the ground by a rapper. Because that’s how to get the talent over. Have them get beat up by a guy who has never set foot in a ring. And he’s playing the SAME FUCKING SONG he played at WrestleMania a couple years ago. FFW! What a waste of 4 minutes and 45 seconds of TV time.
And over an hour after she assaulted a paying fan on worldwide television, Stephanie McMahon finally gets arrested. Miami’s finest, folks. And they’re still asking her if she struck Brie Bella. Because that shit didn’t air on worldwide television or anything. By the way, would you believe it actually is considered wrestling news that this arrest was part of the storyline? Did anybody really think otherwise?
Joey Mercury getting TV time, and convincing Triple H to make his decision before going to be with his wife at the police station. My wife would kill me.
So RybAxel are taking on Kofi Kingston and Big E. So since RybAxel is a mashup of Ryback and Curtis Axel’s names, does that make Kofi and Big E… Kof-E? FFW! Ryback pins Kofi. Which means that Ryback is better than Cesaro, since Cesaro couldn’t beat Kofi two weeks in a row? Xavier Woods? Where’d he come from? Is he starting a new Nation of Domination? #MORPHUNKY!
Way to retell the story Jerry Lawler. Jack Swagger didn’t tap out to Rusev last night, he lost by count out! I saw it! You can see it! Get the Network! Stop. Promo time! Dammit, Great Khali, I said it’s promo time, not Punjab time! Khali loses to Rusev via the Accolade. As if you didn’t expect that.
Stardust with the Willy Wonka reference! I know G says he doesn’t like it – but I really love the Stardust and Goldust promos every week.
Buckle up. Ambrose vs. Cesaro is happening! After a commercial break and 5 minutes of recapping the Stephanie McMahon “arrest,” of course. And of course we get a non-finish. Which is good, actually – a proper match between these two would make for a good PPV match.
Triple H is finally announcing the challenger for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship at SummerSlam. And it’s Randy Orton? Roman Reigns attacks Orton and they brawl out of the building. Paul Heyman says that Plan A didn’t work, Plan B won’t work because of Dean Ambrose, and therefore he should use Plan C. You know. The guy whose face is on the poster for the upcoming PPV that we’re deciding a number one contender for. Brock Lesnar. The ONE in 21 – 1. And a handshake seems to say that he’s the ONE in number ONE contender. Paul Heyman cuts another brilliant promo, and we end RAW with Brock Lesnar as your number one contender.
All in all, not a bad show. Could have done without Flo Rida. And idiots who thought Stephanie McMahon actually got arrested. It’s a television show. If she were really getting arrested they would have cut to something else right away and likely not even acknowledged it. Oh well. Goodnight folks!
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