It’s substitution week here at BoredWrestlingFan.com! Drowgoddess covered SmackDown for Rich Flynn, and now it’s the Vince McMahon of BoredWrestlingFan, ThinkSoJoE covering RAW for AlyKat – and don’t worry, those of you who used your #BWF hashtag on Twitter will be recognized!
The Rock is in his office, making fun of John Cena’s terrible promo from last week. Cena’s music hits, and The Rock looks confused. Apparently, John Cena is in The Rock’s house. Rock asks if he wants to say something face to face. A little kid dressed like Cena comes in and tells Rock, “You Can’t See Me.” Rock stands up, and The Rock tells him to not even think about it. No “yo,” no gang signs. He’s not gangsta, he’s not from the hood. Rock wants him to talk to The Rock like an adult. The kid busts a rhyme – “Yo, my name’s John Cena, I’m puttin’ on the hurt/I’m the big tough guy with the bright purple shirt.” And he’s better than Cena. He tells The Rock that if he wants some, come get some. Rock sits back down and says it’s time for Cena to have a talk with the People’s Champion. Rock knows that when The Rock left, Cena took the ball and ran with it. He didn’t run far, but he was trying. Cena became The Man in the WWE. He didn’t just try, he succeeded! Think of the cultural impact Cena’s made on the world! Think about it. Kermit the Frog (ribbit, ribbit), Barney the Dinosaur (“bingo!”) and now you! And think about the demographic that Cena’s dominated – he owns the 2-5 year olds! Does he know why he’ll never be as good as The Rock? “John Cena” answers “Because I’m not that talented?” The Rock confirms. It took a big man for Cena to admit that. Now that that’s out of the way, how does that make him feel? IT DOESN’T MATTER, HOW IT MAKES YOU FEEL! The kid starts crying, and The Rock says that The Rock doesn’t see The Rock and the millions crying, and we had to sit through Cena’s movies. Rock doesn’t have any toilet paper, but Rock does have the next best thing – a John Cena t-shirt. The kid blows his nose on the shirt, then The Rock spits on it. Rock is proud of Cena, because he admitted he wasn’t that talented. Rock has a gift for “Cena.” Abracadabra, Yabba Dabba! Rock produces a box of Fruity Pebbles.
“Hustle. Loyalty. Respect. AND Fruity Pebbles?!? YES!”
The Rock knows that’s John Cena’s favorite! Fred Flintstone is Cena’s hero. Rock tells “Cena” that he’ll never has muscles as big as The Rock’s, but he can go take his Fruity Pebbles and enjoy them! Rock says “Hello, Miz.” The Rock says that The Miz is the WWE Champion. The Rock is the most electrifying man in all of entertainment, the People’s Champion. Miz knocked Cena out cold last week. He had the gall to hit the People’s elbow and trash talk Rock’s family. The other statement The Miz made was that he wants The Rock to deliver the single biggest ass whipping of a lifetime. The Rock says that before WrestleMania, he’ll bring it live on Monday Night RAW. The only thing Cena and Miz should be concerned with is how badly The Rock layeth the smacketh down on both of their candy asses, if ya smelllllllalalalalallao! What the Rock is cookin!
Backstage, Snookie is with Trish Stratus. In the arena, Michael Cole is in a glass box that he calls “The Cole Mine.”
The WWE Champion, The Miz makes his way to the ring. We relive The Miz costing John Cena the WWE Tag Team Championships, The Miz dropping Cena after his cage match with A-Ry, and The Miz laying out Cena with a Skull-Crushing Finale and a People’s Elbow last week.
The Miz does his “really” shtick. He says that The Rock’s t-shirt says “I Bring It.” The Rock does bring it – The Rock brings out of date catch phrases, bad tattoos, horrific movies, empty promises, and pointless diatribes that only a has-been can bring. The Rock has a problem with The Miz insulting his family. Rock’s father and grandfather were both good, but they’ve never been the WWE Champion. That makes Miz better than both of them, and he can say whatever he wants. Rock likes to make six year olds cry – The Miz will make The Rock cry, and scream like a little girl. Unlike The Rock, instead of talking about beating up John Cena, The Miz has actually done it. Three weeks in a row, to be exact. So no, The Rock doesn’t own John Cena, The Miz does. Week after week, via television screen, The Rock says he’s going to bring it. Miz says who knows, he might bring it here to St. Louis. If he does bring it, he’ll be overshadowed by the most must-see WWE Champion in the history of this company, because he’s The Miz, and he’s AWWWEEEEESSSOOOOOOOMMMMMMMEEEEE!
Cole asks for our attention, and says he’s recieved an e-mail from the anonymous RAW GM. He exists the “Cole Mine,” but Jerry Lawler steps in front of him and reads the e-mail, despite Cole’s protests. The GM says that there are two first time ever matches for The Miz and John Cena. Later tonight, John Cena will face a man he’s never been in the ring with before, the number one contender for the World Heavyweight Championship, Alberto Del Rio. The Miz claims that he’s beaten everybody, so who could it possibly be he’s facing? Lawler says that The Miz has never faced this man – The Great Khali!
@JonHexLives I was about to sit this #RAW out, then @TheRock cuts a promo and John Cena to shreds. #WWE #BWF
@TKeep123 Michael-Cole-In-A-Box! Now, if we can just get that glass booth sound-proofed! (and air tight!) #WWE #RAW #mnbw #BWF
The Great Khali def. The Miz via disqualification
The Miz goes after Khali early, but the advantage doesn’t last long. Meanwhile, King and Cole argue on commentary. Khali locks in the Vice Grip. Miz manages to get to the ropes, when Alex Riley comes in to attack Khali. Khali hits the Punjabi Plunge on a-Ry, but The Miz dissects Khali with a steel chair. He breaks it across the giant’s back. Miz DDTs Khali on the chair, which now has pieces hanging off of it. Khali’s back is bleeding from being destroyed by the chair.
Michael Cole has a very special guest tonight. He’ll expose Jerry “The King” Lawler for who he really is.
Also, Randy Orton takes on Mason Ryan in a match with WrestleMania implications!
@TKeep123 “You’re Fired” must be some secret “wrestling insider” term for “…See you on next weeks episode!” #WWE #RAW #mnbw #BWF
@N_er_d The Miz made Khali bleed. I am not complaining, but is blood now allowed on #WWE shows? #RAW #mnbw #bwf
Congratulations are in order for John Cena, who now has over 5,000,000 followers on Facebook. Hey, speaking of followers, we’re only 21 away from 1,000 on our twitter account, @BrdWrstlngFn. And you can find us on Facebook as well!
Josh Matthews and Jerry Lawler discuss Triple H vs. The Undertaker. Which can only mean one thing. We’re going to see clips from last week! They throw it to the video package that Triple H showed on SmackDown, which is good, because I slept through SmackDown and haven’t yet seen it.
John Morrison is backstage yapping with Snooki, who invites him to be a cast member on Jersey Shore. Vickie Guerrero tells Snookie she’s got a problem with her. Vickie was offered the cover of Playboy. Snooki says that it’s gotta be a centerfold, since you can’t fit all of Vickie on one page. Vickie gets the taste slapped out of her mouth.
@WWE_Creative Yeah, @Sn00ki calling @ExcuseMeWWE heavy is the pot calling the kettle fat. #RAWTonight
@iWoinsider Did Snooki just make a fat joke? To a woman who weighs at least 35 lbs. less than her?
“This bout, set for one fall, is for the United States Championship!”
Sheamus is on the cover of the new issue of “Muscle and Fitness” magazine. And if he loses, he’ll quit. Daniel Bryan is led to the ring by Gail Kim, and we’re set for US Title action!
Sheamus def. Daniel Bryan to become the United States Champion!
Josh Matthews ponders if there’s a curse associated with the King of the Ring. Nevermind that several Kings of the Ring have won World Championships over the years. Bryan dominates the early going, nailing a missile dropkick for a two count, sending Sheamus reeling out of the ring to regroup.
@WWE_Creative Sheamus appearing on the cover of Muscle and Fitness is all part of his Triple H Fantasy Camp package. #RAWTonight
@JonHexLives Daniel Bryan may lose the US title just so he has something to do at #Wrestlemania. #WWE #RAW #BWF
Sheamus has finally taken over during the commercial break with a Tilt-a-whirl slam. Bryan starts to battle back but Sheamus takes him down. Sheamus goes for another Tilt-a-whirl slam, but Bryan reverses it. Sheamus winds up back on the outside, clutching his ankle in a bit of deja vu, but Sheamus gets back in the ring. He misses a brogue kick, allowing Bryan to lock in the Lebell Lock, but Sheamus gets to the bottom rope. Sheamus runs Bryan into the turnbuckle and goes for the Celtic Cross, but Bryan reverses that as well. Bryan kicks Sheamus down to his knees, then a kick to the head results in a two count for the defending champion. Bryan goes to the top rope, but Sheamus nails a brogue kick out of midair and pins Bryan to become the new United States Champion!
Michel Cole stands up in his Cole Mine. He says he’s going to participate in Regicide – the death of a king. He has somebody who is going to expose Jerry Lawler for who he really is – and that person will be out here NEXT!
@Whovian_23 Why are people so miffed at an Irish Person as the U.S Champion. Most of the European Champions where American. #WWE #RAW #BWF
Apparently, I missed the video recapping last week’s Stone Cold hijacking of the referee spot for the Cole/Lawler match. Cole knows how King gets when anybody talks about his family. Cole isn’t going to talk about King’s family – King’s family is going to talk about him. Cole’s guest at this time is Jerry Lawler’s biological son, Brian Christopher Lawler. Grandmaster Sexay comes out to the old Too Cool music, dancing up the aisle, with Cole dancing in the ring. Cole points out that he never went by the name Brian Lawler in WWE. Christopher says that he never felt like he had a father, because Jerry Lawler was too busy being the king to pay attention to his son. Lawler never wanted a child. Christopher gets out of the ring and sounds winded from doing so. Jerry Lawler never wanted anybody to take away from his spotlight. That’s why when Brian Christopher made it on his own to the WWE, Lawler wouldn’t even admit that he was his son. Lawler grabs a mic and says that he doesn’t know what to say other than he’s not the only one who’s glad he didn’t use the Lawler name. He’s a bigger screwup than Charlie Sheen. Just the fact that he’d associate with Michael Cole tells everybody what kind of person he is. Brian asks Jerry how it feels to know that he competed at WrestleMania before he did, as part of Too Cool. He was one of the biggest superstars in WWE
in that dream he had that one time. How does that make you feel, Daddy? Christopher shoves Lawler and asks for an answer. He slaps Lawler and taunts him. The reason Christopher never used Lawler’s name is because he’s ashamed of his father. Cole says Lawler doesn’t care about his family. He’s a coward, a loser, and at WrestleMania, he’ll put The King in his place…
The sounds of “Boomer Sooner” fill the arena and Jim Ross makes his way to the ring! Cole was wondering when JR was going to show up to steal the spotlight. Must be a slow day in the Barbecue business or on Twitter. JR says this has gone far enough. Cole tells him to go away. It’s over, he’s done. This is Cole’s show now. He’s the voice of the WWE, not Jim Ross. JR says he’s been meaning to talk to him about that. About the voice of WWE. For many years, JR had the privilege and honor to sit next to Jerry Lawler on RAW, and was lucky enough to be inducted to the Hall of Fame. But neither he, nor Cole, nor anybody else sitting there will be the voice of the WWE – the fans are the voice of the WWE. Lawler’s been carrying Cole for a long time. Like a mother kangaroo. But Cole isn’t a lovable furry little animal like a kangaroo – he’s a varmint. A rat bastard. Cole says he always envisioned it like this. Cole being the bigger man while JR walked out into the sunset with his tail tucked between his legs. JR gets back into the ring, takes off his hat, his jacket, and his tie, and makes a “bring it” motion. Cole takes off his jacket and tie as a “JR” chant breaks out. Meanwhile, Jack Swagger attacks Jerry Lawler at the broadcast table. Cole sends Swagger after JR, telling him to teach him some respect. Swagger beats down JR and locks in the Ankle Lock. Lawler finally gets in the ring and knocks Swagger off JR, but winds up finding himself in the Ankle Lock for his trouble. Swagger points at JR, and Cole locks JR in the Ankle Lock.
Still to come, John Cena vs. Alberto Del Rio, but up next, Mason Ryan tries to earn the right to be in CM Punk’s corner at WrestleMania as he takes on Randy Orton.
@JamesGuttmanWWI Brian Christopher is one of the only people I’ve ever seen run out of breath in the ring…during a promo.
@justinruff At least it wasn’t Dr. Heinie. #RAW
Randy Orton gets the obligatory hometown pop, and then Mason Ryan makes his way to the ring.
Randy Orton def. Mason Ryan
It’s all Orton in the early going, and I really don’t feel like reviewing this match. I’m going to go make my dinner. I put my food in the microwave, and Orton drops an overconfident Ryan with an RKO when I get back to pick up the victory. It’s CM Punk vs. Randy Orton with no Nexus involved at WrestleMania!
Orton goes to leave, but he looks up the ramp at CM Punk and stops. He looks back toward the ring. He punts Ryan in the skull, and turns to meet up with a charging CM Punk. The two glare at each other on all fours, and Punk decides that the better part of valor really is discretion, and slithers back out of the ring.
Earlier tonight, Snooki made a fat joke at Vickie Guerrero’s expense.
@TKeep123 Orton with the punt to Ryan….damn, its getting crowded down in FCW! #WWE #RAW #mnbw#BWF
@WWE_Creative We’re thinking of calling @RandyOrton ‘s finishing kick the Tam-punt. #RAWTonight
2011 WWE Hall of Fame – Celebrity Wing inductee: Drew Carey! Yet nobody points out that Carey eliminated BOTH Hardyz from the Royal Rumble. Well, ok, they eliminated each other – but he was in the ring, dammit!
Micheal Cole asks for our attention once again. He tells us that he’s going to use the Ankle Lock to beat Jerry Lawler, and says that his attack on JR earlier was a Slobberknocker.
Still to come it’s John Cena vs. Alberto Del Rio!
Trish Stratus and Snooki walk backstage, where Zack Ryder asks Snooki how she likes his situation. She says WooWooWoo, it’s pretty solid, as she pokes his abs.
@WWE_Creative Gonna go out on a limb and assume that’s not the only poking that’ll happen between @Sn00ki and @ZackRyder tonight. #RAWTonight
@onecountkickout Dunno why people are bothered by Carey being in the HOF. Its been apparent for years this isn’t a REAL Hall of Fame. #WWE
Justin Roberts introduces Snooki, and now the star of the only show that beats Monday Night RAW in the ratings is on Monday Night RAW. And her head barely clears the top rope. She’s about as tall as Ariel Winter. Anyways. She’s excited. She’s been looking forward to this all week long. She’s really excited for Trish Stratus to shut Vickie Guerrero up. Snooki sits next to the broadcast booth, when Vickie Guerrero comes out for her match.
Vickie says she’ll not only beat Trish, she’ll be hired to RAW. Before she does that, she has words for Snooki. Never lay her hands on Vickie again, and how dare she steal her spotlight? Vickie says the Rolling Stone cover was hers. She shows what the original cover was supposed to look like – a badly Photoshopped picture of Vickie on a rocket. Trish Stratus makes her way to the ring, a seven time WWE Women’s Champion!
Vickie Guerrero def. Trish Stratus
Vickie stretches to start the match, and Trish tries for a quick roll-up, to no avail. Trish chases Vickie around after tearing off her shoe, which Vickie tries to use as a weapon. Needless to say, that backfired. Trish spanks Vickie with the shoe, until Dolph Ziggler interrupts the proceedings. John Morrison attacks Ziggler, taking him out with a corkscrew plancha. LayCool attack Trish (this is apparently a no-dq match), and they, along with Vickie, cover Trish, allowing Vickie to get the victory, and a job on RAW.
After the match, LayCool mock Snooki. Michelle goes out to where Snooki is sitting, and Snooki, who is dwarfed by Michelle McRibs, gets shoved back down into her seat. Snooki drops Michelle face first on the apron, then attacks Layla. Trish comes back to take out Michelle, and LayCool, along with Vickie and Dolph, retreat as JoMo celebrates with Trish and Snooki. Vickie says Snooki is in way over her head. She challenges Snooki, JoMo, and Trish to a match against LayCool and Dolph Ziggler, at WrestleMania! Snooki says she’ll see her there!
Up next, it’s John Cena vs. Alberto Del Rio!
@WWEsAngel_Nef Dear @TNADixie Sn00kie is doing Wrestlemania. Can you say you guys got mirked? xD lololol #WWE #BWF
A Sin Cara promo airs.
Then a Shawn Michaels promo airs where he talks about The Undertaker’s streak.
Ricardo Rodriguez introduces Alberto Del Rio, as per usual. After Alberto gets halfway down the ramp, Brodus Clay walks out from the back to meet him. Guess Alberto didn’t want Clay stinking up his brand new Bentley. Del Rio is all smiles until John Cena’s music hits. Cena points at each word of the “Hustle, Loyalty, Respect” symbol on his sleeve before he runs down to the ring.
John Cena def. Alberto Del Rio via Disqualification
This is the first ever match between these two. Michael Cole says that The Rock has arrived to the arena in St. Louis as John Cena sends Del Rio reeling to the outside.
@WWE_Creative Our Sin Cara promos last longer than @TNAwrestling ‘s PPV main events. #RAWTonight
Back from break and it’s Alberto Del Rio in charge. Josh Matthews questions Cole about The Rock, but all Cole says is “you’ll see.” “What an amazing night it has been here on Monday Night RAW” is the new “This is the greatest night in the history of our sport.” After the two men trade rights, Cena gets fired up and builds momentum. He hits the Five Knuckle Shuffle, but before Cena could hit an AA, Brodus Clay attacks, causing the disqualification.
As Del Rio and Clay are beating down Cena…
If ya smellllllllll… What The Rock… Is Cookin’!
The Rock’s music hits, and – wait – That’s not The Rock! It’s The Miz in a skull cap and a Rock t-shirt! Cena tries to fight Del Rio and Brodus Clay, to no avail, and The MizRock nails the Rock Bottom on Cena! Del Rio hits a running enziguri, then leaves Cena for Clay, who nails a fireman’s carry. The Miz does The Rock’s gestures, including his pose on the ropes. Miz tears off the skull cap, then rams Cena’s back into the steel ring post. Miz asks Cena how his road to WrestleMania is, then clobbers him with the microphone. Miz reminds Cena he’s owned him the last three weeks, and he’ll own him every week until WrestleMania – then clobbers Cena again. Miz suplexes Cena onto the steel ramp as little kids look on in disappointment. Cena starts to fight back. He goes for an AA at the top of the ramp, but Miz reverses and drops Cena with a DDT. Miz tosses Cena into the big WWE sign, waits for Cena to get back up, then nails the Skull Crushing Finale right into the base of the sign. Miz’s music hits, and for the fourth consecutive week, he’s gotten the better of John Cena.
Not a bad show. Not bad at all. Now to watch The True Story of WrestleMania on Netflix!
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