What’s up, fellow Bored Wrestling Fans, it is I, the Vince McMahon to BWF’s WWE, the one and only ThinkSoJoE! And I’m here at work watching RAW and providing you with a review of this week’s RAW, because, well, I haven’t found anybody to cover this show since Justin Ruff stepped down last week. If you’re interested, the comments section is your friend! Oh well, let’s roll!
LAST MONDAY: John Cena is hurt, not injured. And he’s going to wrestle John Laurinaitis at Over The Limit.
Justin Roberts introduces Mr. John Laurinaitis, who then introduces himself again, complete with job title. He won’t allow anyone to challenge his authority or judge his leadership, not even John Cena. Last week, Cena embarassed Laurinaitis and embarassed him by calling him an idiot and a corporate jackass. Last week, he lost his temper and went into a fit of destruction that no one can withstand. Lesnar injured Cena’s arm, and Lesnar injured Cena’s pride, and Laurinaitis will continue where Lesnar stopped. He’s going to show everyone how skillful and dangerous he can be. He won’t apologize to Cena for what happened last week, it’s only the beginning of what he’s capable of. On top of that, he wasn’t reprimanded by the Board of Directors, because they know he’s tough but fair. That’s why he’s asked that Cena not be here live tonight. He wants Cena to do therapy on his elbow so he’ll have no excuse why he gets beat at Over The Limit. In the spirit of People Power, however, John Cena will do a satellite interview with Michael Cole, and will apologize for making fun of his voice. Laurinaitis says that anybody making fun of his voice will suffer severe consequences. His voice wasn’t always like this, he was injured in Japan by “Dr. Death” Steve Williams, but it didn’t stop him from becoming the biggest superstar in Japanese history. Let’s take a look.
We see photos of Johnny Laurinaitis’s Japanese career highlights.
He says he was the Hogan, Austin, and The Rock all rolled into one of Japan. When he was approached with a lucrative contract, he said no, but for one night, at Over the Limit, we’ll see John Cena vs. Big Johnny.
<PUNK VIDEO HERE>
The WWE Champion is here! #Cilantro! Punk says Laurinaitis never ceases to amaze him. For soembody as bold as Laurinaits to claim to be the genius behind this “People Power” movement, he has no clue what the people want. Punk is out here to help. He’s not going to hand him the keys to the castle. he won’t tell Laurinaitis what the fans want to see. They DON’T want to see is John Laurinaitis. Punk likes to tell the truth. All this is about Laurinaitis putting all of his chips on Brock Lesnar, and Cena beat him. Lesnar does the damage, then Laurinaitis picks the bones. The reason Laurinaitis had to go compete in Japan is because nobody in the States would hire him. he was a joke, he left, and he came back and he’s still a joke. Laurinaitis tells him to be careful. Punk says “I’ll be careful, Mr. Rooney.” Punk says he’ll watch the PPV. After he beats Daniel Bryan, he’ll watch John Cena beat Laurinaitis. Laurinaitis asks Punk if he’s finished. Punk says we’ll ask the people. Is he finished? The people say no. Punk says Laurinaitis is stupid, ugly, and he has no friends. Is he finished? He’s also a gigantic toolbox. Now he’s finished. Laurinaitis says that if he wasn’t training for Cena, he’d pummel Punk now, but Punk will face somebody who knows the word “respect” (Aretha Franklin?!?). Somebody who went to Japan, honed their skills, and came back as a destructive force. Tonight, Punk will face Lord Tensai. Punk had a feeling Laurinaitis would do that, since he’s hid behind extremely talented big men his entire career, that’s fine. Punk looks forward to the challenge, as much as he’s looking forward to watching Cena twist Laurinaitis into a pretzel and forcing him to tap.
The Big Show is walking down the hall. He gets an Intercontinental Championship match, NEXT on RAW!
Backstage, Laurinaitis is texting, when he bumps into The Big Show. He asks Big Show if he’s stupid. Show makes fun of his voice. Eve is behind him and doesn’t seem impressed.
This contest, set for one fall, is for the Intercontinental Championship!
Tradition be damned, the Intercontinental Champion is out first as we see the highlight of Big Show stepping through the table at Extreme Rules, before putting Cody Rhodes through two tables of his own. Show is out, and we’re set for an Intercontinental Title match here on RAW!
WWE Intercontinental Championship: The Big Show vs. Cody Rhodes
Big Show is angry here, tossing Cody all over the place, taking time in between to strike. Rhodes starts to mount a comeback, but that doesn’t last long. Show goes for the WMD, but Rhodes bails from the ring, grabs his title, and tries to leave the arena. Show catches him, tosses him back in the ring, but Cody takes off again and gets himself counted out.
Winner via Count Out: The Big Show
Show takes the mic, and tells Cody not to take the coward’s way out. Cody has none of it as he leaves. Show says if he has to come back there to find him it will be worse. Eve’s music hits, and she heads straight into the ring. She tells Big Show to apologize. Show asks for what. She says for making fun of John Laurinaitis’ voice. Show says he was just playing around. She demands an apology. Show says he’s sorry. She says she didn’t ask him to say “I’m sorry,” she asked him to apologize. She reminds him that outside of this business, there’s not really a need for a 40 year old freak the size of The Big Show. She once again demands an apology. Show says he apologizes for making fun of John Laurinaitis’ voice. Show leaves.
Still to come, CM Punk vs. Lord Tensai, and also Sheamus & Randy Orton vs. Chris Jericho & Alberto Del Rio.
Kofi Kingston, R-Truth, and Little Jimmy are on their way to the ring, as Kofi is set for singles action. Vickie Guerrero excuses herself and introduces Dolph Ziggler, who comes out with Jack Swagger.
Kofi Kingston vs. Dolph Ziggler
A.W. is watching backstage with Primo, Epico, and Rosa. He’s apparently waiting for the right time to invoke thier rematch clause for the Tag Team Titles. Mason Ryan joins them backstage. In the arena, Kofi hits the SOS for a two count. R-Truth and Vickie Guerrero get into it on the apron, which distracts the referee for Swagger interference, leading to Ziggler hitting the Zig Zag for the victory.
WINNER: Dolph Ziggler
Up next, Michael Cole interviews John Cena via satellite!
Michael Cole is in the ring, and he introduces John Cena. Cena thanks the WWE Universe for their concern. Cole asks for an update. Cena says there is no permanent damage, so he’s medically cleared, but he has to get his elbow drained twice a day. Doctors have recommended that he stay out of the ring for a couple months. He feels as though they don’t know who they’re dealing with. Cena doesn’t care if there’s fluid in his arm, if his arm is strained, if they amputate his left arm, there is nothing keeping Cena out of the ring when he faces off with John Laurinaitis. Cole asks if Cena is surprised that Laurinaitis wasn’t contacted by the Board of Directors after last week’s attack. Cena says he’s not surprised, because the Board was surprised. They didn’t contact Laurinaitis because they contacted him first, and he told them to forget anger management, fines, demotions, or firing for John Laurinaitis, at least until Over The Limit. Cole says he’s been watching tapes, and he’s impressed with what John Laurinaitis has done over his career, and he feels like Cena could possibly be scared of Mr. Laurinaitis. Cena says he is scared. He’s so scared that Laurinaitis is so bad that he’ll hurt himself before Cena can get his hands on him. Cena has the opportunity to do what every WWE Superstar and every member of the WWE Universe wants to do, and Cena will take full advantage of that. In 13 days, Laurinaitis can’t ban him from the building. Laurinaitis won’t be a suit, he’ll be Cena’s opponent, which means that at Over The Limit, he’ll kick John Laurinaitis’ ass!
Kelly Kelly & Layla in tag team action, NEXT!
Natalya and Maxine are in the ring. Yes, Natalya is stuck with MAXINE as a partner. Who the hell is Maxine? I mean, I know she’s an NXT Diva, but this is RAW. Go away, Maxine. Beth Phoenix is on commentary and is sick of talking about her ankle. Kelly Kelly is out first for her team, followed by the Diva’s Champion, Layla, who did a backstage interview after winning the title at Extreme Rules. At Over The Limit, Beth Phoenix will face Layla for the Diva’s Championship.
Kelly Kelly & Layla vs. Maxine & Natalya
I bet this is terrible. Terrible and short. Layla wins by hitting Maxine with her finisher. Natalya and Kelly weren’t legally in the match at all.
Winners: Kelly Kelly & Layla
Beth Phoenix stands up and stares Layla down.
Up next, it’s Sheamus & Randy Orton vs. Chris Jericho & Alberto Del Rio
Promo for Santino’s Foreign Exchange on YouTube.
The following is a tag team bout set for one fall. Ricardo Rodriguez introduces Alberto Del Rio, who is driving a 2012 Ferarri. At Over The Limit, he’ll challenge Sheamus for the World Heavyweight Championship. The lights go out, and Chris Jericho enters the arena. Orton is out first for his team, followed by the World Heavyweight Champion, and we’re set for another random tag team match. Hooray!
Randy Orton & Sheamus vs. Chris Jericho & Alberto Del Rio
I hate these things. Seriously. If you want to have tag teams on RAW, have an actual tag team division. This is a far cry from Demolition & The Hart Foundation. FFW! Del Rio gets an RKO, Jericho ducks a Brogue Kick, which hits Orton, and Jericho hits the Codebreaker to pick up the victory for his team.
Winners: Alberto Del Rio & Chris Jericho
Jericho grabs the World Title and yells that it’s his, before putting it back down. Sheamus helps Orton up, and gets nailed with an RKO! Heel turn? Character nuance? Must. Watch. SmackDown.
Still to come, an update on Triple H and Brock Lesnar, and CM Punk will take on Lord Tensai.
Backstage, John Laurinaits feels that Big Show’s apology was incincere. Eve volunteers to go talk to him. Chris Jericho comes in to brag that he beat Sheamus and he should get a title shot. Del Rio says that he beat Sheamus and deserves a title match. Orton comes in and says HE deserves a title match. Didn’t they just say before the match that Del Rio is getting the title match? The three start to brawl. Laurinaitis yells for them to stop, when Sheamus jumps in the fray. They finally stop. Sheamus asks what the RKO was for. Sheamus says it was an accident. Orton says there are no accidents. John Laurinaitis makes the match at Over The Limit a Fatal Four Way.
Oh great. It’s time for Brodus Clay. The Funkadactyls introduce him, and he introduces them. This is getting ridiculous. Somebody call my Mama. Brodus Clay gets the old picture in picture promo thing, and he reminds all the Funkateers that this Sunday is Mother’s Day, so everybody better remember to call their Mama. The Miz asks, “really?” Instead of competing for the WWE Championship, he has to wrestle “this.” He’s the most must-see WWE Superstar of all time, and he has a match with Brodus Clay? Then he hits the line of the night…
“Honestly, if I wanted to see King Hippo dance, I’d play Mike Tyson’s Punch Out.”
He wants Brodus to call his Mama after this match, and tell her that he’s had the experience of his life because he got in the ring with The Miz. Because he’s The Miz, and he’s awesome.
Brodus Clay vs. The Miz
Brodus knocks Miz out of the ring, and the Funkadactyls laugh at him. Brodus chases after Miz, who suckers him in and starts putting the boots to him. I get distracted momentarily because they show the upcoming live events, and they’re doing the run of towns they usually do when they come back to Buffalo, and yet, they’re not coming here. Miz is wearing down with a sleeper, but Clay fights out. Miz hits a DDT for two. Miz dropkicks the leg out from under Clay, and is in firm control of this match. The Funkadactyls start trying to get the WWE Universe back into it, which, in turn, gets Brodus back into it. He hits the running headbutt, but then runs into a boot from The Miz. Miz dives from the ropes, but gets caught and tossed by Clay, who hits the big splash for the victory.
Winner: Brodus Clay
We get a Be a Star promo.
Last Week: Brock Lesnar breaks Triple H’s arm.
Michael Cole talked to the doctors earlier. Not only is it a broken arm, but there was tendon and ligament damage as well, which forces Triple H to wear a mechanical brace during his rehab. Triple H will require surgery on his arm. In the meantime, he’s been able to function as WWE COO. Next week, he’ll be LIVE on RAW. They’ve also extended an invitation to Brock Lesnar to be a part of the show, but instead, he’s sent his legal representatives. Who get to come out to his music.
HOLY FUCK!!! IT’S PAUL HEYMAN! PAUL E. DANGEROUSLY IS ON RAW!!!!! MARK OUT MOMENT!!
Paul introduces himself, as if he needs an introduction, and he’s here as a representative for Brock Lesnar. The single most dominant, decorated, and destructive athlete in the history of WWE, but a man who has been booed, maligned, mistreated, and underappreciated by the WWE audience from day one. That especially holds true for corporate management. Today’s WWE is so much different than it was 10 years ago when Paul first represented Brock Lesnar. Today’s WWE is so image conscious. But despite that, it was John Laurinaitis who signed Brock to a legitimate contract. Admitedly, Brock made a few reasonable verbal demands after signing the contract, which were agreed to on live television, which makes every single one of us a party to that agreement. Brock Lesnar feels betrayed. Betrayed by the WWE Universe, and Brock Lesnar should not have to feel that way, because Brock Lesnar is the only man in history to hold the NCAA Division 1 Heavyweight Wrestling Championship, the Undisputed WWE Heavyweight Championship, and the Undisputed UFC Heavyweight Championship of the world, and yet above all else, Paul knows that Brock Lesnar is an honest man. He told you he’d be an ass kicking machine, and he was. He told you he’d hurt people, and he did. Instead of running down Brock’s accolades, tonight Lesnar asked Paul to come here and read to us his statement. The official statement of Brock Lesnar, to us.
“I came back to bring legitimacy to WWE, that’s exactly what I did. And how was I rewarded? With the same corporate BS and politics that led me to leave eight years ago. I don’t regret what I did to John Cena, I embarrassed him. Another guy I embarrassed was Triple H. He’s always been jealous of me. Triple H lasted nearly one hour in a Cell with The Undertaker, but he couldn’t last one minute in a fight with me. Triple H tried to push his weight around because now he has an office job. I had an agreement with the company, and he broke it, so I broke his arm. I don’t care about Triple H, I don’t care about you people, and I don’t care about the corporate suits at WWE, because I, Brock Lesnar, am never coming back. Because I, Brock Lesnar, quit.”
Heyman leaves, and The King and Cole discuss this huge announcement. Then we get a recap of Punk’s interaction with Laurinaitis earlier in the night. Punk is on the way out for a two on one handicap match, apparently. I thought it was just Punk vs. Tensai, but apparently it’s Punk vs. Tensai and Sakamoto. Whatever it is, it’s NEXT!
Big Show is back stage with the stars of the USA Network Original Series Common Law, who are unimpressed with him having to apologize. They’re apparently “sexy detectives” and they’re going to investigate how Laurinaitis is keeping his job. Show declines, and the guys from that show make fun of Laurinaitis’ voice. Eve catches Show laughing.
The WWE Champion is out first – It’s Clobberin’ Time! No, screw that, It’s cilantro time! Laurinaitis interrupts his entrance and informs Punk that he’ll be in a 2-on-1 handicap match against Tensai and Daniel Bryan.
Did Daniel Bryan get an entrance on TV? NO! NO! NO! Neither did Tensai, for that matter. Oh well.
CM Punk vs. Daniel Bryan & Lord Tensai
Tensai kicks things off for his team. He takes Punk down, and Bryan gets the tag, hitting the YES! kicks. Punk and Bryan both go for a cross body, and they’re both down. Difference being, Bryan can tag a partner. Which he does. Tensai hits a sick looking double arm suplex. He tosses Punk out of the ring, but Punk fights back as Tensai comes out after him. Tensai doesn’t let the comeback last long though, as he rams Punk spine first into the ring post. Tensai gets Punk down in the ring again, and Bryan gets the tag. He goes for the diving headbutt, but Punk moves out of the way. Bryan crawls over to his corner again, where Tensai is waiting, but Punk catches him before he can get there. Punk slingshots Bryan into the opposite turnbuckle, and starts to mount a comeback. He gets Bryan in the corner, and he hits the clothesline/bulldog combo. He calls for the GTS, gets Bryan up, but Bryan gets out. Tensai tags himself in, unbeknownst to Punk. Punk goes for a GTS on Tensai, but can’t get him up. Punk dodges a charging Tensai and drops him with a kick to the skull. The Champion goes to the top rope, but Sakamoto distracts the referee as Bryan pulls Punk down, allowing Tensai to hit the Baldo Bomb. Tensai sprays the mist into his hand and locks in the claw, pinning Punk.
Winners: Lord Tensai & Daniel Bryan
Bryan celebrates as if HE won the match for his team. Tensai & Sakamoto leave as we get the replays. Bryan attacks Punk and locks in the Yes Lock. Bryan yells that Punk is not better than he is. Bryan lets go, but locks it back in again for a second or two. The show ends with Bryan screaming YES! YES! YES!
My thoughts: WWE. Please send me home happy. I can’t buy Prince Albert with a Sharpied on tire track tattoo across his face as a viable main eventer capable of beating John Cena and CM Punk. The guy’s a great worker, but he’s simply a mid-card guy. The faster you realize that, the faster this show will get better. That said, thank you for Paul Heyman. I miss that man being on television every week. Please offer him $5 million to come back.
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