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Surprise!

Didn’t expect to see your Empress of “Impact” reviewing a WWE ppv, now, did you? One never knows what’s going to happen here at BWF. Between CM Punk facing the Undertaker, the Kofi/Swagger/Miz match for the US title, and the last-second addition of a certain badass Scottish fellow, I couldn’t resist this one. Let’s see what happens!

16,186 fans in attendance.

Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler talk up the RAW side of the card for the evening. Todd Grisham and JR give us the “Smackdown” matches for the show. A recap of “Breaking Point” and the new and improved screwjob was shown. The cell is lowered, and we’re off!

Match #1: CM Punk vs Undertaker (World Heavyweight Championship title match, “Hell in a Cell”): WHAT??? WTF??? This match opens the show? You have absolutely got to be kidding! And Punk enters first? The World Heavyweight Champion should NEVER enter first, ever! Even for Undertaker’s entrance. This is wrong, completely and totally wrong. Ok, ok, I’m backing off and simply enjoying the match now, but I stand by everything that I just said.

Taker and Punk exchange punches, but Punk gets knocked down. Taker pulls Punk to the outside and throws him repeatedly into the Cell walls. Punk tries to fight back, but just gets slammed into the post. NICE running boot to Punk’s face, knocking him off the apron and into the wall. Punk crawls under the ring and out the other side, and kicks the steps into Taker’s knee. Punk is on Taker like a wild dog, kicking and punching. Evenly split chants of “Undertaker!” and “CM Punk!” Surprisingly. Taker goes to chokeslam Punk, but Punk kicks Taker in the groin. Perfectly legal here. Taker shoves Punk from the apron into the wall again. Very nice jumping leg drop from Taker onto Punk’s throat on the apron. Taker’s leg is still injured from the steps. Punks hits a suicide dive through the ropes, knocking Taker into the wall. Both men are hurting now. They trade punches, on their knees, in the ring. Loud “Yeah!” when Taker lands a strike, loud “Boo!” when Punk does. Punk kicks out of a leg drop at two. Taker goes for a choke slam again, but Punk kicks the knees repeatedly. Punk attempts the GTS, Taker counters into a Tombstone Piledriver, and Punk counters out with more kicks. Punk goes under the ring for a chair, and nails Taker in the head with it. Taker kicks out at 2 1/2. Punk rushes Taker in the corner with a top rope knee strike. Taker counters with the Last Ride. Taker covers Punk, but Punk kicks out at 2 3/4. Taker twists Punk’s arm and goes Old School, but as he jumps off, he is met with a kick to the gut. Punk covers Taker, but gets 2 1/2. Punk follows up with another cover, but Taker kicks out again. Punk gets the chair again and charges Taker again, but Taker kicks the chair into Punk’s head. Taker choke slams Punk. Taker hits Punk with the Tombstone Piledriver, and gets the three-count. I love Undertaker, and always have, but this felt like a let-down. The match was really good, but Taker didn’t need this win.

Winner and NEW World Heavyweight Champion: Undertaker

Match #2: John Morrison vs. Dolph Ziggler (Intercontinental Championship match): Solid grappling to start, very mat-based and technical. The pace is steady and methodical. Morrison kicks out of several pin attempts. Morrison lays out Ziggler with a drop kick, but Ziggler kicks out. Morrison dominates now. Ziggler tries to ground Morrison, and focuses on the neck. Ziggler straddles Morrison and lays into him with punches before returning to the mat-based offense. Morrison hits a huge spreingboard crossbody, but Ziggler kicks out. Morrison goes for the Starship Pain, but Ziggler rolls out of the way and Morrison hits the canvas. Ziggler covers Morrison, but only gets a two-count. Ziggler hits Morrison with a drop kick, but only gets a two-count. Ziggler continues to target Morrison’s neck. OUCH! Nobody’s neck should bend that way! A series of Ziggler moves do further damage to Morrison’s neck, even choking him on the bottom rope. Morrison continues to kick out of Ziggler’s pin attempts, however. Ziggler dominates with a series of fireman’s carry takedowns, but Morrison counters the last one with a DDT. Having bought some time, Morrison is back in the game. A standing Shooting Star Press gets Morrison a two-count. Ziggler rolls up Morrison and holds the ropes, but the referee sees it and stops the count. Morrison takes advantage and rolls up Ziggler, but Ziggler kicks out at two. Morrison and Ziggler trade punches on the top rope. Two-counts galore on both sides. Ziggler hits a Fame-Asser leg drop on Morrison’s neck, but Morrison kicks out. Boy, these two can go! Morrison goes for Starship Pain again, but Ziggler catches him and plants him flat. Ziggler attempts the Zig Zag, but Morrison holds on to the ropes. Ziggler falls, and Morrison finally hits the Starship Pain for the win.

Winner and STILL Intercontinental Champion: John Morrison

To the back! Josh Matthews interviews Batista and Rey Mysterio. Batista takes the mic and sends Matthews away. Batista introduces Rey himself. Matthews returns, and brings up the old magic. Suffice to say, Batista and Rey mean to defeat the Big Show and Chris Jericho and become the new tag team champions.

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are dancing in a skybox. We get a clip of the new video game, “Smash Up.” Looks fun, if you like TMNT.

Match #3: Alicia Fox vs. Mickie James (Divas title match): Can we stop with the “smart, sexy, and powerful” bit? It’s insulting. Mickie looks good, both anyway and in the ring. Decent back and forth action, better than I had expected. Alicia hooks Mickie in a body scissors, but Mickie fights out with elbows to the face. Mickie hits a hurricanrana from the top rope. Alicia gets a Northern Lights suplex with a pin, but Mickie kicks out. Mickie plants Alicia with a stiff DDT, and gets the three-count.

Winner and STILL Divas Champion: Mickie James

Match #4: the Big Show and Chris Jericho vs. Batista and Rey Mysterio (Unified Tag Team Championship match): Once again, the champs enter first. I know that many people don’t hold with any form of tradition in wrestling anymore, but this one really annoys me when broken. The champion should always enter last. Anyway. Rey Mysterio looks much smaller than he was before. Jericho and Rey start, with much talk from the announcers about Jericho’s previous attempts to take Rey’s mask. Good action between Rey and Jericho, with dodges and counters. Rey tags in Batista, and Jericho gets worked over some more. Rey stands on Batista’s shoulders and leaps off onto Jericho. Jericho scurries to his corner and tag Show. Show enters, but Rey refuses to tag out. Show laughs at Rey. Rey kicks Show in the knees repeatedly. Show grabs Rey by the head and holds him up before headbutting him. Show stands on Rey. Show chops Rey’s chest and knocks him to the floor. Show grabs Rey with one hand and yanks him into the ring. Scary! Jericho tags in and picks up the pieces of Rey, grounding him and working the neck. Rey fights back and hits an enziguri on Jericho. I had a distraction for the rest of this match, and couldn’t type. Jericho goes for a Lionsault on Batista, but Batista rolls out of the way. Jericho’s knee seems damaged. Now it’s Rey and Big Show. Rey climbs to the top rope and hits Big Show with a DDT. Show kicks out. Show charged Rey, but goes over the top to the floor. Jericho rushes in, but Rey trips him up. Rey goes for a 619, but Jericho dodges and Rey hits Show. Rey hits a second 619, and goes for a West Coast Pop, but Show punches him in mid-air. Show pins Rey.

Winners and STILL Unified Tag Team Champions: Chris Jericho and Big Show

Match #5: Randy Orton vs. John Cena (WWE Championship match, “Hell in a Cell”): This is Orton’s last chance at the title. If he loses tonight, there will be no rematch, and no further title shots. This means that the final HIAC match is DX/Legacy. It’s purely personal opinion, but I think that’s wrong. The other two matches were more important. Orton enters first. Cena’s entrance blows the roof off the building. Then he gets booed a lot when his name is announced. Go figure. Orton is in full chickenshit heel mode, trying to open the gate and running from Cena. Cena takes it to Orton. Massive chants of “Cena sucks!” Surprising, that. Orton takes it to Cena in the ring, having played him all along. Orton wriggles out of an Attitude Adjustment and hits Cena with a power slam for a two-count. Dueling chants of “Let’s go, Cena!” and “Let’s go, Orton!” Really loud chants of “RKO! RKO!” Orton throws Cena into the cage wall and to the floor. Orton climbs the wall and jumps down onto Cena’s ribs. Orton grinds Cena’s face into the cage with his knee. Cena powers out and slams Orton into the cage wall. Orton uses the steps to his advantage and lays out Cena. Orton throws the steps into the ring, but they get caught up on the top rope for a moment. Orton shoves the steps into the ring, and gives the audience a rude gesture. Orton sets up to drop Cena head-first onto the steps, but takes a long time, and Cena stops himself. Cena throws Orton over the top rope to the floor. Cena picks up the steps and hurls them over the top rope at Orton. Orton dodges the steps and returns to the ring. Orton targets Cena’s neck with a series of moves, and Cena is down. Orton measures Cena and charges into the corner, but Cena kicks Orton. Cena slams Orton flat. Lots of booing now. The “You Can’t See Me” and the “Five Knuckle Shuffle.” Orton regains momentum and drops Cena with a DDT through the ropes. Orton gets a two-count on Cena. Orton slides back into the “viper” position, waiting on Cena. Orton goes for the RKO, but Cena pushes him off into the ropes, and counters with the Attitude Adjustment. Cena covers! Orton kicks out at 2 5/6. No! Cena is in disbelief. Orton gets Cena on the top rope, where Cena teases an Attitude Adjustment from the top rope. No such luck. Both men are hurting, and the pace has slowed. Orton pulls a steel chair from beneath the ring. He stands on Cena’s head and drives the edge of the chair into Cena’s neck. He drives the edge of the chair into Cena’s gut. He covers Cena, but Cena kicks out at two. Orton continues to stomp on a prone Cena. Orton goes for a knee drop, but Cena moves and Orton hits the chair. Cena locks in the STF on Orton. Orton makes it to the ropes, but breaks aren’t required under HIAC rules. Ref Bump #73 occurs, and Cena locks in the STFU, and Orton taps! No referee sees it. Cena releases Orton and goes after the ref to roll him back into the ring. Orton hits an RKO on Cena, and after the slowest two-count in history, Cena kicks out at two. Seriously, that count was painfully slow. Orton ties Cena in the ropes and punches him. He grabs Cena by the mouth and wrenches his head backwards. Orton tries to choke Cena out while he’s tied in the ropes. Cena looks out. The referee releases Cena from the ropes (can they do that?), and Cena hits the mat face-first. Orton goes to punt Cena in the head, but Cena dodges. Orton rolls Cena over and pins him. There is massive cheering.

Winner and NEW WWE Champion: Randy Orton

To the back! Josh Matthews interviews R-Truth about the confrontations with Drew McIntyre. Video clips are shown that recap the attacks. It’s time for the moment of Truth now. Truth says that you don’t disrespect others to get what you want. McIntyre has disrespected him one too many times.  

Match #6: R-Truth vs. Drew McIntyre (Grudge match): R-Truth enters first, rapping all the way. The responses to “What’s up?” seem to be muted, sparse, and mostly from the kids. Drew McIntyre enters second, and reeks of superstardom. They lock up in the ring, and Drew outpowers Truth. Simply because headlocks are involved, some of the audience feels compelled to chant “Boring!” Truth hits a dropkick, and gets the advantage. They trade punches in the corner, where Drew distracts the referree and kicks Truth. They trade punches in the center of the ring. Both men attempt a flying cross body at the same time, and both crash. Truth hits several clotheslines and a scissors kick, but Drew kicks out. Drew throws Truth down from the top rope. Drew hits the double underhook DDT on Truth, and gets the pin.

Winner: Drew McIntyre

To the back! Legacy approaches Orton, congratulating him on his victory and offering to go out on the town afterwards. Orton says that you don’t just walk out of HIAC. Legacy insists that they’re prepared, they’re younger, stronger, faster, and hungrier than DX. Cody Rhodes says that Orton is starting to sound like his old man. Orton says that he’s not his old man, he’s the WWE champion, and that when he has something to say, Legacy should listen. Ted DiBiase says that if he were Orton, he wouldn’t underestimate Legacy.

Match #7: The Miz vs. Jack Swagger vs. Kofi Kingston (United States Championship triple threat match): The Miz is out first, and His Awesomeness has a mic! Miz quotes Cona O’Brien, trashes the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and begs the mayor of Newark to ban him from the city for life. In return, he’ll make sure that Newark is known for something positive: the place where the Miz became US Champion. Jack Swagger enters next, doing push-ups. Champion Kofi Kingston is last. As it should be. He still gets billed as “from Ghana, West Africa.” Is that a permanent thing now? This should be a great match! Forgive me as I sit back and enjoy it. Miz and Swagger tag team Kofi for a while. Look, you’ll just have to see this match for yourself. It’s too good to review. Kofi hits Swagger with the Trouble in Paradise kick and pins the Miz for the win.

Winner and STILL United States Champion: Kofi Kingston

Match #8: DX vs Legacy (Hell in a Cell): DX enters first. Legacy jumps them from behind before they make it to the Cell. Cody delivers some stiff punches to HBK, while DiBiase gets smacked around by HHH. Cody soon gets thrown into the announce table as well. DX is in full control as they smash monitors into the heads of Legacy. DX takes apart the announce table, and throw Cody into it. It doesn’t collapse. DiBiase attacks HHH from behind, throwing him into the audience. HBK hurls Cody into the barricade. HHH punches DiBiase, and they brawl through the crowd. The chain that locks the Cell door is smashed into HBK’s head, and Legacy doubleteams HHH on the ramp. Legacy turns to a recovering HBK by the cage door, and slam the cell door into his knee. Much is made of the fact that Legacy is beating DX at DX’s own game from years ago. True, that. Cody locks the cell door with the chain, with HHH outside on the ramp and HBK in the cell with Legacy. More doubleteaming commences, and the match officially starts.

HBK realizes that he’s alone, with injured knees. HHH is out cold on the ramp. Legacy high-lows HBK, and Cody covers him, but HBK kicks out. More assaults on the knees of HBK. Cody and DiBiase take turns flat-out brutalizing HBK, whose bald spot is much more apparent than it used to be. Cody hurls HBK’s legs into the ring post, one at a time. DiBiase throws HBK into the cell wall. HHH makes it to the cell door, but doesn’t realize that he’s locled out. HBK fights back, but Legacy throws him into the cell wall again. Legacy taunts HHH through the cage. HBK dodges, and DiBiase hits Cody, who hits the wall. Now it’s HBK and DiBiase in the ring, and HBK starts to come back. HHH climbs the cell, but drops back to the floor. HBK nails DiBiase with Sweet Chin Music. Cody pulls him off to end the count at two. HBK gets hit with a chair. HHH hits the chain and padlock with a chair. Cody runs HBK into the wall again, powerbomb style. HHH wedges the chair in the cell door, as if to pry it open. DiBiase in particular keeps yelling at HHH, “What are you going to do now?” HHH walks away up the ramp. Cody lays into HBK, beating the hell out of him with punches. DiBiase yells at HBK that HHH has left him. DiBiase rams HBK back-first into the ring post and the cell wall, repeatedly. Legacy roll HBK into the ring. Legacy has been absolutely brutal here, and it’s about time! HBK tries to fight back with a flurry of punches, but he is overpowered. Legacy get a steel chair and hold it in front of HBK’s head. DiBiase hits a drop kick into the chair, and HBK drops. Legacy holds their arms up in a DX-ish manner. Cody wraps HBK’s legs around the ring post, and locks in the Figure Four as DiBiase locks in the Million Dollar Dream. HHH runs down the ramp with bolt cutters, and cuts his way in. HHH mows down both members of Legacy. HHH plants Cody with a spinebuster on the steel chair. HBK recovers, and it’s now a proper tag match. A referee comes down with a fresh chain to lock the door, but HHH grabs it away and uses it to hit Legacy. HHH Pedigrees DiBiase onto the floor. HBK and HHH drag DiBiase outside of the cell, then lock the door with the chain. It’s Cody vs DX. HHH places a chair over Cody’s neck, and HBK hits the chair with a flying elbow drop. HHH pulls a sledgehammer from beneath the ring, to massive cheers. HBK hits Sweet Chin Music on Cody at the same time that HHH hits Cody with a sledgehammer. DX gets the pin and win, to huge cheers. Post-match, DiBiase gets some Sweet Chin Music, and DX stands tall over the broken bodies of Legacy.

Winners: DX

That’s it, so good night, everybody! Join us here at boredwrestlingfan.com tomorrow night for the RAW fallout.

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