Home ▸ Impact ▸ iMPACT 02/17/11: Nut-shots for everyone!

It’s been an intense week in the world of wrestling. It seems pretty unlikely that TNA will be able to come close to topping The Rock’s return to the WWE, but they are coming off the heels of the Turning Point PPV that aired on Sunday. It was an interesting show (I think that’s a nice way to put it), that ended with the enigma Jeff Hardy recapturing his ugly Championship Title from Mr. Anderson… and the wait for March 3rd will likely continue to simmer… ok, enough of this introductory paragraph, let’s just get to the suffering, alright?

– Ok, let me just get this out of the way before the show starts… AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Ok, I’m ready as I’m going to be for this one.

– Tonight’s episode is entitled: “The Boy Is Back In Town.”

– Out comes Easy-E, Some Internet guy, Murphy, His Pal, Rob “The Juice Box” Terry, The Canadian Bulldog, Survivor Man G, and so forth. They introduce Jeffry Hardy, our new champion as mentioned earlier in this “article,” if you will. No face paint for Jeff, but at least he is wearing the title, and not bothering with that silly over the shoulder garbage. Eric calls for the audience to cheer, and some do, but most don’t. We cut to the back in a split screen and see WOOOO!!! THE NATURE BOY entering the arena in a pretape. Eric attempts to put Terry, His Pal, and Gunner over, as well as Some Internet Guy.

The Angelic Diablo remains to be Some Internet Guy with his awkward massaging of his brother here…

– After some banter, Eric tells us that Spike TV called and want ratings… telling him that Hardy needs to defend himself by the Bong-Master himself, RVD tonight!

– Fuck that, the Wrestling God, Ric Flair (Woo) is out to talk to the gents in the ring. He is great as usual talking about the whole Immortal/Fortune split and will address this puppy of a feud a little later. Why? “Because that’s the power of being Ric Flair […] Woo… woo… woo.” Fuck I love that guy. Which is likely why LarG Productions made a song called “The Sickness (Ric Flair).”

– Some crap segment with Jarrett getting a massage, speaking of those, from Karen shilling the remarriage of the two, with Kurt giving away the bride on March 3rd.

– WE’RE BACK! And we see Fortune beating the ever-loving-shit out of Some Internet Guy backstage. Other members of Immortal try and interfere, and then security. Nothing significant is accomplished here.

It’s a little dated… but still totally applies here…

– Also, we see Hernandez talking with Sarita who introduces her cousin Rosita to him. I don’t speak Spanish.

– * Douglas Williams vs. Hernandez. Douglas makes his way out and it is revealed the race wars are a them as Sarita is at ringside. She yells into the camera about Velvet Sky… you know the rules:

Patman needs kleenex badly… PatMan is about to die… DON’T SHOOT FOOD!

– Angelina Love runs out to prevent the double team on Velvet as the camera forgets about the men in the ring. Kind of an interesting twist as usually it’s the females who get the shaft upon being taken seriously. I guess Hernandez lands his finisher and the match is over in about 3 minutes at best.

– Eric Bischoff is shown talking on his phone to what appears to be a Spike TV bigwig trying to get Hardy out of his title defense. No deal, and Eric is distraught as he hangs up calling the Exec a “Son of a bitch.”

This is what Eric really wanted to say, but alas, he is not RedMan. Nor PatMan for that matter.

– Your Pope, my Pope, Our Pope is in the ring to address the crowd. Pope puts himself over excellently here, as per usual. He’s “the fittest” in the survival of that word. He’s got a roasted pig with an apple in it’s mouth which he alludes to is Joe… err “Sloppy Joe.” He likens himself to J.C. in making this meal feed everyone as the messiah of Christianity did with a couple loaves of bread and some fish. Ha ha! BLASPHEMY FTW! Out comes Joe! And a brawl ensues! Joe quickly lands a muscle buster on Joe through the table and pig, placing the apple in the prone D’Angelo’s mouth as the segment ends. Great little bit!

– Robbie E drops another Jersey Shore reference about TNA throwing a grenade (see crazy bitch) at him, whining about being in two matches at the PPV. Even though his first match never happened as the Bucks missed their flight and the PPV and then faced Kazarian in an impromptu match and was declared winner by default. Then we see Kaz backstage with TRACI BROOKES! Briefly, mind you, as the champ runs out and runs the two no-longer-cool (was the JS ever cool? REALLY?) gimmick duo for being collar-popping douches, essentially. I hate orange people… call me a racist Match time!

Stupid judgemental bastards. I’ll eat your never ending jawbreaker or drink from your chocolate river! I DO WANT I WANT! I’ll club a baby seal! I’ll DO what I WANT! /Cartman

– * TNA X-Division Title Match: Kazarian {C} vs. Robbie E. Lord knows why E gets a rematch since he never held the title to deserve the “clause” thing. Whatever. Moving on… As a title match, YOU’D think this will last more than a few minutes. Nope, it’s like a minute. DQ on Robert “E.” Cookie tries to jump in post match but Traci Brookes shows her how it’s done. Stupid.

– FUCKING AWESOME! Flair “Ices” Beer Money(!) and Flair backstage in a rendezvous for Fortune! I LOVE THE ICING! I’ve mentioned that I wanted them to do this periodically and seldomly, and TNA continues to do so. Excellent, stuff here. I am entertained. Flair takes AJ’s Ice from him, and takes it for the team since AJ needs to be ready to go for the crew. Fuck yes.

Ice Cube @G: “I love the Ice angle. Flair is awesome!”

G @Ice Cube: “Nice! Cube! NWA representing! I loved that indie promotion… and the cultural significance of your band. Fuck, even Eric Bischoff stole one of your members nicknames that I use weekly in this retarded thing I call an iMPACT review!”

Ice Cube @G: “To be honest, I came here to hang out with RVD and pick up off of Kendrick. Speaking of which, have you seen that confused Jedi around?”

G @Ice Cube: “I hear he likes to meditate in dark rooms for no reason whatsoever. He might be on the show tonight, perhaps. I can probably hook you up through Jeff or Some Internet Guy if need be. PM me elsewhere…”

* Matt Hardy Some Internet Guy vs. AJ Styles. Right off the top, AJ tosses out SIN and lands a neat looking 360 flipside onto him outside the ring! Nice! But the cost of the assault allows SIN to take the upper hand, and bring out Naitch to back up his boy, Styles. Ric Flair makes some semi-heeltastic interference allowing for Styles to regain momentum, but in some fucked up move, SIN lands a Twist of Hate and wins? What? Then Flair attacks AJ? WTF? Weak, I would rather have seen Flair stick it out with his Fortune crew, not align with Immortal.

Charles Barkley @G: “That reminds me of the time I met Nirvana…”

G @Charles Barkley: “??? How?”

Charles Barkley @G: “Ha ha! Just like this turrible show, I figured I’d throw a random pop-culture reference in for no reason. Their bass player was very tall.”

G @Charles Barkley: “For some reason, I think I am going to be bailing you out of jail by the end of the night, Chuck.”

– Wow, only one hour in? Gonna probably start FFW’ing through this crap soon.

– Mr. Anderson comes out and calls out Eric Bischoff who enters to the nWo rip off music. Anderson is pissed because RVD gets a title shot before him. Which does make sense. Bischoff blames the network being the reason it’s happening. Anderson demands to be put in the ring if he wants to see ratings, but Eric notes that maybe it’s a result of Spike wanting to be more PG, family friendly, etc. So Anderson says asshole a bunch, “I won’t use the word Asshole anymore, Asshole!” and so forth.

Family friendly?

– Eric says his hands are bound but can make him a special referee and to call it down the middle, then can make it happen later. Anderson appears to concede BUT NO! Attacks Bischoff, lays him out and yells at him. Still the referee though…

– Velvet Sky talks with Winter telling her to stay away from ringside tonight… Winter picks up some scissors for some reason, maliciously. Angelina Love enters the dressing room agreeing, then tells Velvet to exeunt stage left and she asks Winter what her obsession with her is. “You don’t understand yet, but you will…” Fuck sakes.

When is the Rock coming out and saving this monstrosity?

– Styles wants Flair next week.

– * Rosita and Sarita vs. The Beautiful People. I already posted my obligatory animated gif for Velvet Sky… moving on Mr. Patman… Moving on, indeed. The real story here is how Rosita looks in a match. We’ve seen her once before… She seems to work nicely with Rosita in tag chemistry, pulling off some decent attacks and sells with her partner. Velvet falls down for no reason and Sarita/Rosita FTW!

– Post match, Velvet wants Sarita in a match solo without all this crap. Hmm… way to fall down Velvet. Sarita wants Velvet to put her career on the line. Some crap with Jeff and Karen Angle-Jarrett, and then we see Kurt Angle is going to crash a dinner date.

– I wanted to make an animated gif of Velvet Sky’s botch, but it seems all of the pirated sources are using the same video and it is glitched this will not happen. AND, since one of the rules I have in place for this debacle of a show is that I watch and edit in real time… well… I bring you this instead:

Practice, practice, practice….

– Madison Rayne tells Tara about her open challenge to any women who wants to face her, can. Scott Steiner said something while I typed that. RVD hype video. Meh… then RVD blah blah’s, as does Hardy, Fuck. TOO MUCH AT ONCE TNA! TOO MUCH! This all occurs in under three minutes. And ANOTHER Jarrett/Karen bit. They pissed about the service and yell at the cook demanding the restaurant’s boss (they’re on a date). Kurt Angle comes out scaring off the two, yelling “What? No tip??!?!?” Ha ha!!! Another RVD bit. And then we go to commercial break. My brain hurts, I think I am going to have a stroke watching this show…

Quite right!

– This week Bubba is Bully Ray once again. He argues with Taz at ringside while Taz tells him that he crossed the line attacking Devon’s kids and to walk away. Isn’t this show all about “crossing the line” anyways? Hmm…

– Mr. Anderson is out in his referee shirt, but calls for the microphone from the sky. Shills his legion of assholes, and gets a great crowd response with his personal announcement of his appearance, the usual “Green Bay, Wisconsin,” (which he allows the audience to say) and repeats his second moniker. Out comes RVD and Jeff Hardy… minus commercials, we have a chance of getting about ten minutes of action here.

– * TNA World Title Match: Jeff Hardy {C} vs. RVD. Crap I’m burnt out. The match starts off well with RVD landing some nice offense on Hardy, kicks and high spots, to the outside, etc. But a missed kick from the apron sees RVD hurt his leg and provides the heel the opportunity to work the injury angle… commercial break!

Alice Cooper for no other reason than Muppets… AND, he’s the angriest Muppet ever. People think it’s Oscar, but they’re wrong.

– We return with Hardy in full control… at least they’re using some psychology here. Hardy missing a Whisper in the Wind, allowing for RVD to turn things around momentarily. Taz questions Mr. Anderson’s observance skills as referee since he counts a nearfall with Hardy’s foot beneath the rope. RVD gets tossed into the guard rail from the top ropes as Hardy makes a reversal… but shortly after lands a 5-Star Frog Splash on he of the continuance ruling (March 16th until Hardy’s next date in court, BTW… actually). Hardy still finds a way to win, to Anderson’s chagrin… because it takes place in a spot where Hardy is yelling at Anderson in the corner, hitting a back kick to RVD’s nutsack out of view. Anderson attacks Hardy post match… as RVD asks him about the crotch-shot. So Anderson lays out RVD too…. and then walks out like an asshole.

– The TNA logo comes up, and I’m out.

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This iMPACT Review Appears on Three Sites!

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Bored Wrestling Fan
A break down of various professional wrestling programs and events from the eyes of the smarky fan

The official home of Wonderpod, and an assortment of content ranging from all things wide and far… depending on what the author’s feel like writing about. A home for reviews, commentary, pop culture, and fiction just to start. Always worth a look.

BTW, Actually
These reviews started off in a place called Project Wonderboy, a site that shares the name with it’s original founder, “whatever.” But this incarnation was under the Morphine Nation banner. That site is now evolved with all it’s original members at BTW, Actually. This place is all about challenging censorship and political correctness in an intelligent way.

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Shameless Plugs!

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The Cultural Revolution (TCR Comix)
Al Creed’s comics dominate tongue and cheek humour here.

Wonderpod
A weekly podcast about the world of video games, from player experiences to current events in the industry, Bruce McGee, Pat Man, and Gun Sage provide insight into the medium for any gamer (whether casual or “pro”). Clicking the jump will take you to the iTunes page!

LarG Productions
An online music production project, free tunes spanning many genres… check it out!

Thinksobrain
ThinkSoJoE’s band, who is also the boss over at Bored Wrestling Fan. For those digging some sweet metal influenced, intriguing tunes… you really need to grab yourself an earfull.

You’ve got red on you…

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