Home ▸ Impact ▸ iMPACT 04/14/11: DG may have watched this…

Lord knows how much patience I will have for this show tonight. It’s the go-home show before “Lockdown” this Sunday.

I just made loading time for the site(s) worse. Heel-turn?

I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s iMPACT reviews work.

No bonus intro rant or tangent. Thank you Edge!

– Tonight’s episode is entitled, “Hogan’s Law” Hogan of course starts the show for what will be likely 4 promos to kick off the show. After all, we, yes you and I noble reader, CRACKED THE CODE last week. Hogan, blah blah, and he asks Mr. Anderson to come out, brother. Hogan is already joined by Immortal, his pal, Some Internet Guy, WOOOOOOOOOO!!! Nature Boy, and the other big names.

– Hogan readdresses the idea of joining up with Immortal. Hogan is pissed about Anderson not playing their way…. “You know what!?! I used to respect you…” begins Anderson, as he calls the whole group Hogan’s sheep riding the Law Man’s coattails. “At the end of the day, I have to look at myself in the mirror. And you know what I say? Mr. Anderson…. Anderson. You really are an asshole!” Then he calls the sheep Hogan’s assholes (that’s alot of holes to look after, dude). So Immortal attacks him and beats him down, then Hogan promises bad things will happen to Anderson tonight.

As bad as this sounds, I kind of liked this promo section.

– Even with all the cliche and crap parts involved. Bubby Ray takes liberties with Anderson who is held back by Immortal, but Ken actually spits on Bubby… err… Bully first.

– That part was bad, and turns out the CODE CRACKED!!! wasn’t the case… but we cut to Velvet Sky demanding to Winter to know what happened the zombie-Angelina Love. Velvet’s calling Angelina out tonight to
address the brain-washing angle. PATMAN!!! PATMAN!!!

As bad as this sounds, I kind of liked this promo section. There you go here’s your Velvet Sky animated gif and… oh. Wait. How did that get in there? I miss her.

– A scene of Immortal all yelling happy noise at each other for two minutes saying nothing. Eric is “on it” and something to do with match stips. Then the out-of-sync (BMP) issues I had with the WWE/WCW version of his entrance music is actually not the case in his music in TNA. Huh… never noticed that, which is funny because it used to annoy the hell out of me. For those non-musician types, this means the siren is playing the song “right” and not fucking up.

-* Orlando Jordan vs. Douglas Williams vs. Jesse Neal vs. Crimson. Jordan looks awesome in his bizarre Purple and white jump suit get up! Better than lately, while still comedic. I guess this is to tease the super tag team action on Sunday? TNA, good job for remembering you have one! Weird pairing of a match. It’s hard to describe, since all the tag partners are outside the ring… They remember the “Janice” into the spine of Abyss months ago on commentary, as the Professor notes Abyss slamming Crimson onto a fallen steel ring fence in an act of revenge! Liked that. Total clusterfuck here, and fun as hell if you like that stuff. ORLANDO JORDAN FTW…. BAH GAWD! Orlando hits “The Genderbender” on Douglas Williams (an inverted Twist of Fate, I suppose?). I don’t like him going over Williams in the match considering what I think of the other two combatants. But was a watchable one.

– Bully Ray tells RVD backstage Hogan’s offer tonight is to join up… passively in ECW mode. And LINE OF THE NIGHT! as he compares joining Immortal versus not.

Bully Ray: “Let me put it in terms you can understand. This time the grass IS greener on the other side… and less seeds too. That’s always good right?”

RVD: “Yeah”

* Matt Hardy Some Internet Guy vs. Kazarian. So much potential for a good match… Flair, Bully Ray and Abyss at ringside, Kaz has Daniels and Beer Money. The winner gets a one man advantage at Lockdown. Ebner immediately tosses all of them out! Nice touch. SMG dominates for a good three minutes, but Kaz gets his face power-meter up! It get’s good here, as the men had time to pace it out to hit aerials, false finishes, momentum shifts. Some Internet Guy locks on a floor-based submission move that sucks. It looks completely ineffective. Still, this was really good.

– The previous bout was part of a “Best of 3 Series” to determine who has the advantage in the team match at Lockdown. My bad. I’m expected to remember things on TNA these days. Whoops. They haven’t done much to instill that belief and/or tenet.

Like stopping at red lights. Good job truck driving guy… good job, indeed. Funaki says hi.

– Madison Rayne w/ Tara wants to apologize the Mickie James. Of course not. “Swerve” as Rayne turns on Tara for being “too comfortable in her role.” Calls her, her bitch. Madison at least remembers that she was the one who rehired Tara after retiring her a while ago. Attention to detail will not prevent:

Ear drums burst

– Mickie is out in a sling. She’s still coming to fight at the PPV. Etc. It’s a pretty good promo by Mickie, talking about all the history they’ve had. Writing tonight has been much better in chronology. Still cheesy.

* Jeff Jarrett. Hernandez & Pope Dinero vs. Matt Morgan, Samoa Joe & Kurt Angle. After everyone enters, we cut to commercials. Boo! When we come back, the guys are switching tags and moves fairly quickly. A showcase of everyone, since all 6 are paired up in feuds. Angle chases Jarrett backstage… again. Your Pope, my Pope, THE Pope ends up with brass knuckles to take out Joe for the win. Mexico America, or whatever the fuck they’re called, beats down Morgan post match.

Charles Barkley @G: “What the hell? Shouldn’t you be watching your turrible ice-basketball playoffs right now? We never really played much of that in Nashville Phoenix Tampa Bay Leeds, Alabama growing up as a kid.”

G @Charles Barkley: “You’ve got to give time to a new market to grow, Barks. The NHL has done good at growing the California market. Gretzky helped just a little! But the Phoenix Coyotes should go back to Winnipeg. The Wild got another team, and Minnesota loves their hockey. Get the kids some street hockey gear, and give them a 15 year opportunity to grow the sport. /hockey rant.”

– Backstage Karen forgets her purse, and leaves the car Jeff drives off in. “That’s your husband, Karen… real good pick,” notes Kurt.

– Hogan and Bischoff need to talk more. So they do. Hogan is sporting a sports-wrap for his back. It’s time for the conversation with RVD, and he obliges. Hogan tells RVD not to make the same mistake as Mr. Anderson, and RVD immediately looks around for a beatdown by Immortal. Nice fucking touch! Hogan cuts a decent promo about why he should join up as the “new” RVD. He puts him over. RVD is about to respond…

– Sting interrupts. Looking magical with his shiny red robes. He plans on casting a delay-fireball, I’d bet. Sting wants Rob to reconsider, to face him in a good match. He wants Hogan and Easy-E gone, but if RVD joins up with Immortal (better pot, right) then Sting will be more aggressive. RVD just walks away from all of them. Bischoff notes that Hogan is a better chess player than Sting, who has been playing everyone for years. “Checkmate is mine,” Sting cries as he attacks! Bischoff for the bump… Sting leaves a scared Hogan in the ring, because obviously everyone’s brother can’t take the move.

This guy? This guy can DO the move. Cool backflip!

* Abyss vs. James Storm – Best of 3 Series, Immortal 1/Fourtune 0. This doesn’t look intriguing. FFW? At least there are plenty of matches on tonight. Storm’s beer is confiscated by Earl Hebner, but while it’s disposed of, Storm spits beer in Abyss’ eyes to start the match. Nothing special here. Abyss wins. Blackhole Slam. The interesting thing is they sweep the series winning two matches. Therefore only 3 of 4 members of Fourtune will be represented at Lockdown. They did avoid the wrestling cliche… again, I kind of like this.

– Eric talks to the Network on the phone, and that he knows they smell a rat. Demands an answer, but is hung up on with the answer being “In time.”

– Velvet Sky comes out to talk with Angelina Love. Overtime for the Patman. PATMAN! Velvet unnecessarily swears again as the voodoo induced Candian stoically enters the ring. It really is a zombie storyline! WTF! Velvet tries to talk, but Angelina just advances… pushed away… no! Attack! Angelina can use weapons too (I might have to withdraw the term “zombie”) using a chair. But it’s all done methodically. Angelina is slow, and calm. Patient death attacks…. maybe this shit is “zombie.” Winter ends up summoning her pet back post beatdown. Lot’s of beatdowns tonight.

Somewhere… JT is loving this. By that I mean the Simpsons reference. Don’t know about the iMPACT. I am Legend. So is JT. Love that guy.

* Ken Anderson Runs The Immortal Gauntlet. It’s His Pal, Gunner, Bully Ray (lot’ of time tonight), and Rob “The Juice” Terry… or that’s who we see. His Pal starts off against the asshole. Done… onto Terry… yawn… they get time… still bad. Gunner is next, and we’re told and shown that Gunner has a personality now. He is “intense” we’re told as we watch him widen his eyes. Nice to see him get a gimmick even though he is just number three in the Mr. Anderson gauntlet. Bully Ray is up to bat. He’s had a tonne of promo time tonight. And he continues by yelling and beating on the worn out Anderson.

Why in the hell do you let the other guy get another lightsabre? Seriously. Sabre. R before E. Ask Joe.

– Bully Ray gets lots of attacks on Mr. Anderson. TNA remembered they are a wrestling show tonight! It’s mostly brawler moves, but the story is told well. Anderson has faced three other guys already, and in comes the big dog. Ray does a good job in regards to the bad guy of things, including a big referee bump on Brian Hebner to enact outside prop damage to Anderson’s left knee. We get the tease of Ray reenacting his assault on AJ Styles weeks ago… but Hogan comes out because he hasn’t been on television in the last 15 minutes. Hogan goes to set up a powerbomb on Anderson off the stage, BUT NO! STING INTERFERES! He kind of pushes Hogan away…. lame. Sting uses his baseball bat on Ray. Stare down! Sting and Mr. Anderson are on shaky ground as Sting steps on the fallen Ken’s chest and places the bat beneath his throat.

– Wayne Arnold decides to give us reaction post final segment. Likely because the WWE is not generally anti-climatic…. and they do everything opposite, right?

Paul was vastly superior to all other characters, but Wayne Arnold was a close second. Wonder Years For Life! I want to see Wayne Arnold take a beating though

– James Storm is mad he left AJ (laid up at home) down, and tells Fourtune stuff…. RVD is seen walking around thinking. Anderson is seen saying “THIS IS WRESTLING.” Yep, opposite fucking day. Wayne Arnold makes him angry, so Anderson yells some more. Sting also gets on TV. Hogan, of course, appears. He walks a hallway telling us that Sting gets the war he wants. All try to shill a PPV in two or so days.

Final Thoughts: I haven’t done a “Final Thoughts” in a while. This is because they always sounded the same. Tonight, TNA put on a vastly more wrestling-oriented show. And if their mantra is to do the exact opposite of the WWE, then this means they are “wrestling” and put on matches… not “entertainment” and put on “entertainments.” Un-fucking-necessary pluralization. And I’m not a grammar Nazi. If they plan on putting more matches on their show like tonight, I think some people might come back. You’re bleeding viewers TNA. We want wrestling /Dave Lagana.

The TNA logo comes up, and I’m out.

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