Home ▸ Impact ▸ iMPACT: 04/28/11

Hockey Night in Canada! Playoffs round 2!! Just paused and started recording the Vancouver Canucks versus the Nashville Predators to “watch” iMPACT. Had to catch Coach’s Corner first.

Don Cherry is kind of like the the Ric Flair of professional. He’s been around forever, and when you hand him a microphone, he can shoot out promos like no other.

I worked a bunch over the last while and am tired. Also, some scathing things about TNA’s handling of their talent’s health and wellness has bounced around the interweb dirtsheets that have me pissed off at the company. At this point, I don’t think I could convince any other contributor to our site to fill in.

So you are getting Angry Man G, Disinterested Man G (NHL playoffs!), and Tired Man G… which combined as a mathematical addition problem, equals “FFW Through Everything G…. with a slight chance of Barkley Man G.”

Here goes… I guess…

I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s iMPACT reviews work.

– Tonight’s episode is entitled, “Who Gives a Fuck?”

– Well, no it’s actually: Queen Clouseau. Got it. Karen was coronated as the Queen of the Mountain last week….

Yep.

– Karen called all the Knockouts out tonight to the ring. Because she has power to book the show. Right. Blah, blah segment theres some I don’t recognize… random fans? One is in catering and Karen threatens her… she is literally holding a noodle strainer in her hand. She shows more charisma in response the Karen’s verbal attacks than I expected… this looks like a train wreck. The other random is the show’s seamstress, apparently, who Karen also think’s is Kurt’s Mistress from last week’s well built storyline…. fuck this show. Next up to get the Karen Angle Torture Show experience, is new returnee ring-general champion of all time, Miss Tesswhogivesashit. Tessmacher (don’t care about the spelling, thanks) does have microphone skills here. Yes, I actually found a silver lining? Rosita, Sarita, racial slurs from Karen (boos in the arena!)…. then Madison Rayne and Tara get this bit…. Dissention between Tara and Madison…. then Velvet Sky… fuck the segment, have to post the Pat Man gif… Rules are rules….

My bad, my finger must have slipped.

– Then (because we can’t cram in even more Knockouts), Zombie Angelina Love attacks! The iMPACT Zone is infected! Winter is here as well (and here in Calgary as it snowed this morning… BOO!). They attack Velvet, and that’s the start of our show.

– If nothing else, the obscure and random new viewer got introduced to most of the Knockout roster. All 1 of them. Karen was passable here, and ONLY because she appeared to try, and had some moments where she was clearly the hated heel.

– Onto the FFW’ing!

– Zombie Angelina Love versus Velvet Sky. It’s a match, and it’s on free TV because TNA has clearly given up on their PPV’s. Angelina does at least sell the distant expression throughout the match. We see the character turn into a no-sell monster, who slowly and methodically keeps coming seemingly without damage. Whether you like the idea of a character or not, it was excellently developed in a longer-than-normal match. Yeah, it IS cheesy. Winter gives a setup que to finish Velvet by snapping her spine… Angelina submits Velvet and wins using “Winter’s own finishing hold,” claims Tenay. I don’t know if I enjoyed that, but it was done well.

– It’s Wayne Arnold time backstage! I am not commenting on any of this shit tonight unless it is relevant or stupidly funny…

– Anarquia w/ Mexican America versus Chris Sabin. The Spanish Announce Table gets a shout out. It’s more or less the same thing we’ve always seen with the promo to start. As cliche bad that Anarquia is as a character, let’s see if he can go….He’s ok. Sabin is great, but puts over the new guy in a short match. Alex Shelley runs in after to attack the heel faction…

I am sure the press is worst in England… followed by other Commonwealth countries, but I saw Royal Wedding news on the fucking Weather channel this morning. WHAT. THE. FUCK?!?!?! I am beyond sick of the so-called “news” stories that grace my morning news for the last three months. Can’t wait till this is over. Same with the Canadian Election. I will vote, but fuck… here comes another minority government, there’s goes $300,000,000. I think I got all of it out on this one animated gif. Good meme actually.

– There’s a bunch of Steiner/Morgan promos that leads to Steiner ambushing Morgan backstage. I guess this will become a feud. Morgan recovers and makes Steiner say “I’m sorry.” Why did this segment even happen? Just like the next segment where Sting takes a bat to a monster truck. I don’t know either. The fuck?

As Glaser would say, “Hackers gonna hack!”

– TV Championship Match! Christopher Daniels versus Gunner. Yes Gunner is your fucking Television Champion.

Charles Barkley @G: “Turrible”

G @Charles Barkley: “Bingo.”

– Whatever, Gunner is clearly benefited by being granted the privileged of grappling with the likes of Daniels here. The Fallen Angel sells the big man shtick, and bumps like the warrior you’d expect him to be. Gunner hits a modified brainbuster that Daniels takes at an odd angle (again, Gunner should be so lucky). Daniels is fantastic in this match! Almost hits a BME, but a roll out leads to Gunner hitting his F5-like finisher to retain. Surprisingly a good match!

– Sting calls out Mr. Anderson. They need to talk, I guess Sting smashed Anderson’s truck. The two have a silly little back and forth where Sting denies smashing Ken’s truck windows. It’s really cartoonish, and oddly, I laughed. Then Ken called Sting a “biotch.” And it was too dated and lame to accept. Meh. Out comes RVD who comes out and facetiously cuts a promo about appreciating the title shot at the next PPV. RVD continues his semi-shoot character bit. All talk and talk… so Sting says fuck it and wants to have a title match with Ken tonight, so Hogan comes out to blah blah… yawn… network… etc… Hogan makes the match Sting versus Anderson versus Bully Ray. He comes out.

This baby is awesome.

– After Samoa Joe cuts a great promo on Crimson, and talking about his initial streak upon entering the company. Crimson hasn’t been pinned/losing since debuting. They don’t mention Crimson has had pretty much no matches at all.

I pity the foo’ that watched this… oh wait.

– Crimson versus Samoa Joe. God help us all if Crimson wins here, Gunner was bad enough. This match is very slow moving… a bad match up, but it is given time. Abyss runs out to attack Crimson, so Joe just walks away. Abyss is enacting revenge for the “Janice” that was embedded in his back months ago by Crimson. While I appreciate them remembering their storyline, I don’t care. FFW.

– Kurt gives an interview about Karen getting covered in shit last week (remember? The buckets of horse-digested-bean-horse-shit that Eric Young was ultimately responsible for? Me neither).

– Hardcore Country, Mickie James comes to the ring talking about entering the business as wanting to go down as the greatest women’s champion of all time. Dedicates her title to the fans. Is this a retirement speech? Nope, it’s a tease/shoot/Russo. It’s a thank you for her minute long match to win the title?

– Bully Ray tells Abyss he would trade in all 23 of his tag titles for one TNA World Heavy Weight championship. Really?

– I FFW through all the entrance crap… Our story is this. We have a face, a heel, and a Mr. Anderson (and who knows what his character is). They trade brawling assaults back and forth. The psychology is paint by the numbers. Boring… Sting retains due to an AJ Styles run in on Ray after about 10+ minutes… Anderson looks angry as we go to the final segment?

Falling asleep here…

– Fuck this, it’s Wayne Arnold interviews everyone time! The only relevant thing is that Karen Clouseau never solved her mystery, but Angle’s Mistress is showing up next week. Awesome. Lot’s of swearing in my review this week, back to hockey. Later.

The TNA logo comes up, and I’m out.

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This iMPACT Review Appears on Three Sites!

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HEY YOU! HOCKEY FAN! NOT A HOCKEY FAN? MAYBE STILL A PHILANTHROPIST?

Two friends of mine are participating in beardathon.com, which is a fundraising project for NHL fans who follow the sports’ Stanley Cup tradition of growing out their beards for the entirety of their survival in the tournament. It represents aspects of superstition, and team sportsmanship as well. And for ThinkSoJoE and Rich Flynn of Bored Wrestling Fan, it’s about helping to give back to the community of their favorite hockey team, by also growing their own playoff beards and collect money via pledge. Both men represent the Buffalo Sabres hockey club. Here’s what they are raising money for:

The Buffalo Sabres Foundation has chosen to make its primary focus to (1) assist youth hockey initiatives, (2) support children’s health and wellness initiatives, specifically those that serve the underprivileged and handicapped, and (3) provide support to non-profit organizations that provide vital services to those in need in our community.

They are having a friendly little competition between themselves, ThinkSoJoE and Rich Flynn. They are both competing for the same charity, but against each other for fun. Regardless, ALL funds donated to either will go to the Buffalo Sabres Foundation! So everyone is a winner. Please consider donating to either (or both)!

Donate to ThinkSoJoE? Click Here. Donate to Rich Flynn? Click Here.

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TNA. Get your shit together.

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