Home ▸ Impact ▸ iMPACT 12/16/10

The title of tonight’s episode is “Head Games.” Ok, obviously there is psychological side of angles and storylines, but this title ALSO implies the punditry of Mr. Anderson’s concussion storyline. Because head trauma is funny. We get it… Credits and whatnot roll… I hope you’ve got your suffering boots on, friend. Because we trek through the mire and fens together as you read the experience of watching iMPACT with me…

And away we go!

– Matt Morgan is dressed to go, but first reminds us of what he sacrificed leaving the heel faction to defend wrestler’s health interests. Boo Mr. Anderson, boo indeed. Morgan seemingly sincerely asks if Mr. Anderson is really “up to snuff” to compete. Out to retort is Anderson. His response is typical Anderson sarcasm noting he’s a wrestler… that’s his job. What does he need a doctors note? Etc. “If promoters like Eric Bischoff are going to put us in harm’s way, we should be willing to stand up and say F off,” is exactly Morgan’s POV and response.

– Out comes He-of-the-pending-drug-charges, and world champion, Master Jeffry Hardy. He asks whether the two are going to have the match, or what. Morgan and Anderson both take cheap shots on Hardy, I’m pretty sure Morgan just called him “Hogan’s little bitch boy.” Nothing really advances in this segment:

Normally we criticize this in WWE booking, but RARELY do we see this in TNA. Lately, they’ve stuck to this storyline for a while, and I am content with it. I like the premise, as well as the consistency.

– Jay Lethal versus Robbie E w/ Cookie. I just realized there are 4 guys named Rob (or variation of it on the TNA roster… two of them will face each other later). The match gets underway and sees Christy Hemme handcuff herself to Cookie to prevent interference by the Jersey Shore girl. Commercial Break! Hurrah!

Actual commercial that aired in Japan.

-We return to where we left, as Robbie E demonstrates his ability to poorly apply a sleeper/crossface/botch-hug. Sorry, but that looked turrible, Right Barks?

Charles Barkley @G: “Don’t steal my line, white-boy.”

G @Charles Barkley: “With the number of times I’ve bailed you out of jail, I think I have the right to borrow that mispronunciation once in a while.”

– Lethal manages to stay strong and picks up a clean victory over Robbie E. Hemme uncuffs, and enters to raise Lethal’s hand in victory… instead gets dipped and kissed. Damn, I wish Ol’ Spaz didn’t keep hurting herself and put into this love angle. She was earnestly trying to get better, and now is slotted into a So Cal Val type of arm candy role…

– Bischoff scolds AJ to earn his keep, and he can find someone to do a Ric Flair impersonation otherwise….

– Douglas Williams meets with Brutus Magnus. Their valet Chelsea is no more. London Calling’s return is hinted at… then as Williams is about to chill out, AJ Styles attacks him and takes him into the women’s dressing room in the beatings… Madison Rayne’s shrieking here is painful, and to which AJ doesn’t even attempt a subtle derogatory retort. No, he just yells, “SHUT UP HOOKER!” at Madison.

– Women’s rights continue to be placed to the utmost respect, as our next scene involves Orlando Jordan meeting up with Eric Young and two Hooter’s Girls as valets for some reason…. then Young goes to talk with the Jedi Master Brian Kendrick. Kendrick seriously is sitting in a mantra chant, surrounded by safety candles. This is SO over the top… well fuck me, I loved this. True retardation at it’s finest. Excellent!

YAY! Stupidity and nonsense wins the day!

– Hardy is interviewed claiming to have gotten into Anderson and Morgan’s heads. Really? I realize that was the episode title, but totally disagree from the story that unfolded in front of me during the introductory segment of the show.

– The Hooter’s Girls are here to shill some Spike TV bikini girl show. Eric Young is all smiles, until his tag partner Orlando arrives dressed in a Hooters Girl uniform. They are facing Generation Me, already in the ring. Eric Young apparently took the old World Title out of the trash can, and is now defending it. I’ve never seen that before… huh… YES, SARCASM. He says he’ll defend it right now in a Battle Royal and promptly eliminates referee Brian Hebner! HAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA and so forth. Enjoyed that moment of stupidity. Then things get going, and our tag match is not bad! Gen Me perform some nice team moves, but are distracted by plastic tits on Hooters Girls… Eric Young and Orlando win!

HOOOOO!!!! Coincidence of a catch phrase considering the “hooker” remark and the inclusion of the Hooters Girls? Perhaps….

– Semi-Finals of the tournament to determine who faces the Beautiful People for the Knockout titles features Tara/Madison Rayne versus Mickie James/Miss Tessmacher.

Rules are rules… plus this old school animated gif has holiday references in it.

This is Miss’s first match, I guess there’s some backstory, but I could give a shit until she demonstrates some in ring ability. Madison appears to be wearing a chainmail mini skirt and bra. She has one arm covered in the mesh as well… I don’t think wearing a couple pieces of armour in a very promiscuous way would really help a medieval warrior in battle. The heels pick up a win here, and Miss Tessmacher far from impressed. I miss Traci Brooks.

Alas, even prepubescent sex symbol, Tika Waylan’s armour was not sufficient enough to truly protect against Orc arrows. Fortunately, the team had some help from other warriors to protect this barmaid-turned-scrapper from certain death.

– Rob Terry speaks with Kaz, and he is the next disposable hired goon (see Rhyno), to battle in place of the Fortune/Immortal faction.

– We see my Pope, your Pope, THE Pope, collecting donations for needy kids in his evangalistic gimmick. At least this time we actually see the guy, although I did enjoy the segment with the voice over last week.

– Now we get a match with a 20 minute time limit (that means ABSOLUTELY NOTHING). Bubba “starts his singles career” by facing the toughest guy in the locker room, the Amazing Red. I like how they ignored Bubba’s abysmal WWE singles run here. Seriously. Normally they would reference it in a desperate plea for attention (cough, cough, Tara/Mickie James). Bubba is donning a chainlink necklace and a prisonlike shirt with two badges stating “Hardcore” and “5150.” I have no clue what the 5150 means, so anyone who wants to explain that to me, feel free. Where’s Nailz at?

…. umm…

– Bubba squashes Red, and then Devon runs out, and runs off Bubba as Red rolls around in pain. Coming up is Jeff Jarrett’s $100,000 open challenge to any man, woman, or child who can make him submit. It continues. I’d hope that if we’re doing one of these challenges, it is utilized to debut someone…. and not yet. Let this simmer for a while. Make us care, TNA, make us care. That Jarrett segment with him submitting kids in the Dojo a couple weeks back was one of the funniest things I’ve seen in Pro-Wrestling in a long while.

Jarrett regularly visits Dojo’s with a selfish desire to seek vengence on a fight he lost many moons ago…

– Rob Terry versus Rob Van Dam. I guess they’ll get confused if the crowd chants, “Go Rob, Go!” It’s awesome to hear RVD vent about losing the title without a match once again. TNA is starting to really impress me as they’ve stuck with some particular themes. I hate this matchup, mostly due to the inclusion of Rob Terry. I have to give pretty much all credit to Van Dam for carrying this one.

Charles Barkley @G: “I’m concerned about that British guy’s physique. Don’t they test in TNA?”

G @Charles Barkley: “Precisely.”

– RVD picks up the win here, although he makes Terry look good in the process. Terry looks perturbed. Perhaps he will be future endeavored?

– The Jeff Jarrett challenge ensues. Jarrett brings a bigger entourage to ringside, more accurately representing the MMA and boxing world. Earl Hebner pats down Jarrett to emulate authenticity, even though this shit is fake. This comes across well, considering the shtick they are selling to the audience. After surveying the crowd, they choose a planted indie guy to compete. He’s from Puerto Rico, and a Mickie James fan, folks! Let’s see how he… oh wait, cheap shot by Jarrett to start! Jeff is almost farcical here. Actually, fuck that. This is straight up parody, whether intended or not! Jeff wins in like a minute via frantically executed “moves” and is raised upon the shoulders of “Team Jarrett.” Then we pan to a bunch of plants of “tough guys” who have been on camera like they’re angry that they are not being chosen to appear on the show. Like some rip-off of the established rules of an “open challenge.” Well done… speaking of which:

Is it wrong to work within the rules set in place… innovation cannot thrive otherwise.

– Matt Morgan/Anderson versus Hardy/Kaz. Anderson of course introduces himself. The match is set to get underway with about seven minutes to spare. Will tonight be the first in a while, where we do not spill over into Reaction? Heeltastic start as Hardy feigns, and flips the bird at Anderson and tags in Kaz. Kaz then mocks Anderson, mimicking a head injury with a shit-eating-grin on his face! 🙂 NOW, the action starts… And this is a neat scenario. See, Anderson tags Matt early, who is reluctant to tag Anderson in due to head trauma concerns. And Hardy avoids action like the opposite of a moth to a flame. Eventually, the four all run amok, and spots are exchanged. The match ends with the heels on top courtesy of Rhyno Rob Terry. Morgan and Anderson have a mutual look of disappointment and…

– The TNA logo comes up, and I’m out.

Hey kids! Try this at home!

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Random Bored Wrestling Fan Reference:

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It’s a Girl Thing (part 1). Read this, consider the questions poised, and respond.

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Shameless Plugs!

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Bored Wrestling Fan
A break down of various professional wrestling programs and events from the eyes of the smarky fan

The Cultural Revolution (TCR Comix)
Al Creed’s political humour comics dominate tongue and cheek humour here

Wonderpod
A weekly podcast about the world of video games, from player experiences to current events in the industry, Bruce McGee, Pat Man, and Gun Sage provide insight into the medium for any gamer (whether casual or “pro”).

LarG Productions
An online music production project, free tunes spanning many genres… check it out!

Thinksobrain
ThinkSoJoE’s band, who is also the boss over at Bored Wrestling Fan. For those digging some sweet metal influenced, intriguing tunes… you really need to grab yourself an earfull.

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