Home ▸ Drowgoddess ▸ “iMPACT” Impressions 11/5/09

Remember, remember, the 5th of November. The Gunpowder Treason and plot. I know of no reason why the Gunpowder Treason should ever be forgot.

It’s Guy Fawkes Day in England, for those not up on their history or “V for Vendetta.” It’s also time to cross the line with your Empress of “iMPACT” and see if anyone besides Hulk Hogan gets some love from TNA management.

And we’re off!

We open in the midst of a full-company meeting with Dixie Carter and the entire roster. She tells them that questioning the company and things in it is questioning her, and she cannot allow that. Business is all about choices. The talent can choose to support the company, and the direction of the company. They can choose not to. If that’s the case, they need to find another place to work. If they don’t feel that this is truly the company’s time, they’re hurting the person sitting next to them. Basically, shut up and follow her orders without question, or quit. Why do I feel sick right now?

To the ring! AJ Styles strides to the ring, carrying the TNA World Heavyweight Championship title belt. He talks of all the changes in TNA, and says that they have all been positive since he became champion. He praises Hogan. Then AJ directs his attention to his mysterious attacker. He challenges the person to “man up” and face him in the ring. “Friend or foe.” Daniels comes out. Hmm…. Daniels berates AJ for thinking that a friend would have done that. Daniels and AJ exchange words in one of the most heartfelt and believable promos I have ever had the pleasure to observe. Just typing the words here does it no justice. One of the best lines was when Daniels told AJ that “you know that I am every bit the wrestler that you are!” Samoa Joe enters in the midst of all this intensity, and stirs the pot by calling Daniels “a bald-faced liar.” Joe goes on to say that Daniels has lied to AJ for their entire friendship. Joe wants to be the best, and that means being the World Heavyweight Champion. He can come out and say that to AJ, and the only reason that Joe and AJ aren’t friends is that AJ has something Joe wants. Joe doesn’t have to jump AJ from behind like a cowardly punk. Daniels takes exception to that, saying that he can beat AJ in the ring if he wants to beat him. AJ takes issue with THAT, and challenges Daniels to a match tonight. It’s on! Joe smiles. This was outstanding stuff.

Match #1: Eric Young and Big Rob Terry vs. Beer Money: James Storm is riding the Boozer Cruiser to the ring, so life is good. Big Rob and James Storm start. Rob outpowers Storm and tosses him around. Young tags in. Mike Tenay and Taz constantly talk about how every media outlet on Earth knows now that Hogan has joined TNA. Hogan barely mentioned it, but it’s supposed to be worldwide news. Robert Roode finally tags in, and goes to town on EY. Rob Terry may look impressive, but he’s really not a very good wrestler. Roode elevates Storm over the top rope to take out Big Rob, and Beer Money rolls him back into the ring. Terry counters an attempted DWI with a slam. EY tries to hit Beer Money with his newly-christened Global title, but he hits Rob Terry instead. Beer Money gets the win on Terry. Post-match, the British Invasion joins EY and Terry in the ring to beat down Beer Money. Security separates them. As the British Invasion moves up the ramp, they take Rob Terry to task for dropping the ball and getting pinned. As they get to the top of the entrance ramp, Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin jump out of nowhere and attack them. Security intervenes right away, but Alex Shelley and the future Mr. Drowgoddess are having none of it. After a long moment of beat-down-ness, the MCMG throw up their hands and exit through the tunnel. 

Winners: Beer Money

To the back! The Beautiful People say that there’s no time to interview AJ Styles. They’re about to film a new movie, “Meanest Girls, Part II.” We have to go with them. This would be better if Lacey Von Erich didn’t speak.

The Beautiful People enter a dressing room looking for Taylor Wilde and Sarita. They find ODB, and beat her down in a three-on-one attack.

To the back! Lauren is with “Black Machismo” Jay Lethal, who is in full Macho Man mode. I don’t want to recap Jay Lethal thinking he’s Macho Man talking up Hogan and praising him to the skies. He announces the “Black Machismo Invitational,” open to anyone of Legendary status.

To the back! JB questions Mick Foley about Abyss, but Foley brushes it off. Foley is more concerned that he wasn’t kept in the loop in a major deal like Hogan. Foley tells JB that he seemed shocked to learn that Foley had a security camera in his office. Is there something JB wants to tell him, like footage that JB wouldn’t want the world to know about? Jb says, “No.” Foley has a surprise for Abyss later.

Match #2: Desmond Wolfe vs. Cody Deaner: Wolfe hits a lariat on Deaner, and wins the match in less time than it took to make the entrances. Deaner didn’t even get an entrance. The match means nothing, as Mike Tenay and Taz talk to Kurt Angle via telephone about his dealings with Wolfe the whole time. Wolfe grabs a mic after the match, and calls Angle “Mr. Mangled.” Gold! Wolfe has no idea why common wankers want to get in the ring with him and suffer such destruction again and again. LOTS of wolf imagery in this promo, and I like it! I really love his entrance music, too. He says that he’s hungry…like a wolf. 🙂 Good, good stuff here. My only problem was that Angle kept talking over the phone, responding to Wolfe although Wolfe couldn’t hear Angle. there was no reason to have Angle on the phone here. 

Winner: Desmond Wolfe

To the back! Lauren interviews Suicide. Since Homicide unmasked him backstage and said he knew all along who he was, isn’t it time to unmask for good? Suicide says, using many more words, “No.”

To the back! Lauren interviews Team 3D, who say that Dixie Carter has the biggest set of grapefruits in the wrestling business for signing Hogan. Rhino walks up, and continues his very solid trend of non-yelling promos. It’s his best mic work ever, really. He reminds Team 3D that they lost to the MCMG last week, and it may have been a bad call, but it may have been more than that.

Match #3: Daniels vs. AJ Styles: JB is in the back attempting to interview AJ Styles. AJ gets attacked again by the sweat suited and hooded figure, and is laid out. Daniels looks at the Tron with concern, but before he can head backstage, special guest referee Samoa Joe (who sports blue rubber gloves in case of blood loss, along with his referee shirt) kicks him square in the happy sacks before planting him with a devastating Muscle Buster. Joe is happy.

Winner: N/A

Match #4: Tara vs. Hamada: Tara’s finisher is now called “Arachnophobia,” according to the banner on the screen. Interesting. I really like both Tara and Hamada, but this match just didn’t click. Individual moves were fine, but the overall match as a whole was just off. Tara brings her knees up on a Hamada moonsault, and Tara hits the Widow’s Peak for the win. Post-match, Awesome Kong comes down to the ring. Security tries to restrain her, but Tara climbs to the top rope and hits a flying cross-body onto Kong and the whole security squad. Both women are held apart as the crowd chants, “Let them fight! Let them fight!”

Winner: Tara

To the back! Lauren interviews Tara. Tara rips into Awesome Kong concerning their upcoming ppv match in “the Six Sides of Steel.” Tara becomes the coolest person in the history of people when she tells Kong that “I’m not locked up in here with you. You’re locked up in here with me!” If you don’t know why that line is the greatest thing ever, go read or watch “Watchmen” again.

To the ring! Mick Foley enters, and asks Abyss to come to the ring. Foley then does all in his power to salvage the Foley/Abyss situation. The only time that Foley ever felt badly about talking trash on an opponent was when he said those things to Abyss. People kept asking him what he thought of Abyss, and he wanted to find out for himself just how tough and good Abyss really was. Everything between them was a test. Abyss was better than Foley had thought he would be, and from now on, he would consider it an honor to be compared to Abyss. He gives Abyss a caricature-style drawing of the two of them. Foley also announces that Abyss has one more test. He must face Dr. Stevie at the ppv. If Abyss wins, Dr. Stevie is gone from TNA. Abyss is happy. 

To the locker room! JB asks Scott Steiner about Bobby Lashley and Krystal, and also about Hogan. Steiner says that Hogan will put all the young punks in their place, and then join him in the Main Event Mafia. As only Steiner can, he says that Krystal wants to be his Number One Freak, and scream his name, the Big Bad Booty Daddy. “You can’t stop the lust of a woman.” Take note, gentlemen! 

Match #5: Homicide vs. Bobby Lashley (w/ Krystal): Yup. Krystal accompanies Lashley to the ring, but Earl Hebner sends her to the back. Between Krystal and Lacey Von Erich, so much for Dixie Carter’s edict that “only beautiful women who can wrestle” will work for TNA. Even Homicide can’t make a match with Lashley look good. Lashley hits a slam on Homicide, like a one-handed Dominator or a chokeslam, and gets a quick win. Post-match, Homicide hits Lashley with his boot. Lashley is about to press slam Homicide, but Scott Steiner pops up on the Tron, getting all up in Krystal’s business. Lashley casually jogs to the back, and starts laying into Steiner. It just looks so unreal. Lashley is pulled off of Steiner by Pat Kenney, Jay Lethal, and Alex Shelley, among others.

Winner: Bobby Lashley

Homicide assaults Earl Hebner. Amazing Red runs down and attacks Homicide.

Tenay and Taz run down the card for the “Turning Point” ppv. I’ll save my comments for the Round Table.

Match #6: Madison Rayne vs. Taylor Wilde: Rayne enters alone, and with the atg under her name of “She’s Beautiful, and You Aren’t.” Ok. Taylor Wilde scores a quick win with a sweet roll-up. Post-match, the rest of the Beautiful People jump Wilde. BWF’s own Legend Killer nearly has a heart attack. Sarita runs in to help her tag team partner, but the numbers are on the side of the Beautiful people. ODB runs out at the end, and the three faces stand tall in the ring after the Beautiful People bail. 

Winner: Taylor Wilde

To the back! Lauren asks Matt Morgan and Hernandez about Rhino’s accusations. Hernandez is not so good on the mic yet. Matt Morgan, however, is gold once again. They respect Team 3D, but tonight, they will knock them off the perch.

Match #7: Daniels vs. AJ Styles II, Electric Boogaloo: A big deal is made of Daniels not going after Joe out of concern that he’ll get pulled from the ppv main event if he does, because Joe is the special referee for this match. I’m sitting back and enjoying this one. Daniels targets AJ’s injured ribs, while AJ goes after Daniels’s neck. Joe cheerfully watches his two opponents destroy each other. Good, good action for as short as it was. AJ wins with the Styles Clash. Post-match, Joe rushes back into the ring and locks AJ in the Kokina Clutch. Joe chokes AJ out, then holds up the World title belt over a prone Daniels and AJ. Great visual.

Winner: AJ Styles

More video clips of TNA talent praising the Hogan acquisition.

To the back! Lauren interviews Dr. Stevie and a stunningly smokin’ Daffney. Dr. Stevie says that Abyss should back out now. Abyss doesn’t want to know what Dr. Stevie has in store for him next week, but he can’t wait to share it with him. Dr. Stevie and Daffney laugh evilly.

Match #8: Team 3D vs. Matt Morgan and Hernandez: Hernandez is back to his LAX-style gear. I actually like that look for him, but if he’s to stand out from Homicide, it may have been a bad idea. A big deal is made of Brother Devon’s heavily-bandaged knee. Morgan and Devon start. It seems that “the legendary Super Dave Osbourne” will join TNA next week. Umm, ok…. Hernandez eventually tags in and has a go at Devon. Devon quickly tags in Brother Ray. Ray rips off Hernandez’s t-shirt and chops his chest. Team 3D double-teams Hernandez, then Devon tags in. I just can’t get into this match. Rhino comes down and yells at Ray as Morgan tags in and destroys Devon’s knee. Rhino tries to give Ray a steel chair, but Ray refuses, and orders Rhino away. I still can’t get into this match. Ray eventually uses the steel chair on both Morgan and Hernandez. Some chick too close to a mic is screaming. Who does she imagine she is, stepping in on Daffney’s action??? Blasphemy!!! Seriously, shut her up! Post-match, Rhino proundly raises the hands of Team 3D as Team 3D looks disgusted with themselves.

Winner: N/A

FINAL THOUGHTS: I’m enjoying the Daniels/AJ/Joe situation and the Rhino/Team 3D interaction more than anything else on the card right now. Rhino is doing the best mic work of his career. Perhaps it’s the “crash tv” pacing, but most of these matches, if you can even call them matches weren’t clicking. Lashley is just plain dull. I miss Angelina Love! Dixie McMahon, I’m not so sure that I like. Anyone who isn’t 100% behind the creative direction of the company has to go? Say goodbye to most of your roster, then. It’s one thing to put on a united front in public and to get rid of the truly negative dead weight. It’s another thing entirely to hop on the tyranny train and forbid anyone from complaining about anything under penalty of termination. A considerable portion of those criticisms from the talent are quite valid, or so I hear. Great plan, that. Let’s be blind to our flaws and problems. Haven’t we seen how that worked out?

In any case, there’s one more Hogan-filled week for TNA to persuade us to spend $5 more than we used to and three hours of our time on the “Turning Point” ppv. Join us next week. Same TNA time, same TNA channel.

Peace out,

Drowgoddess

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