Home ▸ Drowgoddess ▸ “Impact” Impressions 2/19/09

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Welcome to “Main Event Mess!” That’s our anime-ish title for this week. We open in Jeff Jarrett’s office. He’s the founder of TNA. Jim Cornette pleads with Jarrett not to allow the Angle/Sting empty arena match to take place because of the insurance issues and legal ramifications that could result from a lack of referees and general safety issues. This is actually a good thing. We complain when real-life consequences are ignored in wrestling, so treating the situation this way makes it seem more important. Jarrett asks what choice he has. Should he and Angle have a third match that completely destroys the company? Wait a minute. Is Jarrett saying that no one wants to see Jarrett/Angle III??? Mick Foley sits nearby on a couch, present only to make a reference to the empty arena match he had with the Rock way back when. Cornette actually comes off as the most authoritative person of the three here. Clarify the power structure and stop changing it every week! The only real problem here is that if everyone is waiting with baited breath to see if Jarrett is inclined to acquiesce to Angle’s request (yay, “Pirates of the Caribbean!”), why has the match been promoted for a solid week already? Shouldn’t Jarrett’s consent have been brought up before? Cornette suddenly realizes that discussing these issues on national television might not be the way to go, and kicks Jeremy Borash and the camera crew out.

To the ring! Hey look, it’s Kurt Angle! He wants Jarrett to approve the match, and says that the Main Event Mafia can only be brought down from within. Thanks for reminding us about the rarely-mentioned Front Line. Yeah, the MEM could only implode, rather than have anyone associated with the Front Line actually cause chinks in the proverbial armor. Shut up.

To the back! Lauren interviews the Motor City Machine Guns. Lucky. Chris Sabin asks if they’re all suddenly a bunch of women around here? Jealousy. Cheating. Stealing. Lying. Debauchery. Debauchery? What did I miss? The Front Line locker room is starting to make him sick. All he and Alex Shelley have ever done from day one was to look after themselves, without bothering anyone else. They’re just loving people who pay their taxes and give to charities, and they always, always put others before themselves. Lots of people are jumping on this contradiction as evidence of a crap promo, but it’s funny as hell if you think about it. It wasn’t an accident. In any case, the future Mr. Drowgoddess doesn’t get to complete the thought because “Black Machismo” Jay Lethal and Consequences Creed attack the Guns. They brawl through the backstage area as we cut to a commercial break.

Match #1: the Motor City Machine Guns defeat Lethal Consequences in a “No Holds Barred” Street Fight: Seriously, is there any other kind of Street Fight? To the ring! Upon returning from commercial break, the backstage brawl has spilled out to the ring. Some really nice sequences here, but the camera seemed to be at just the wrong angle for most of this match. Sabin drops Creed gut-first across the back of a chair. Creed smashes Sabin in the head with a chair as Sabin takes a suicide dive between the ropes. Lethal hits the Lethal Combination onto a chair on Sabin. Lethal has a chair wedged into the corner and tries to slam Shelley into it, but Shelley counters and pulls Lethal head-first into the chair. Shelley tries to hit Creed with the X-Division title belt, but accidently hits Sabin instead. Creed nails a nice over-the-top-rope jump to the outside. Sabin recovers in time to hit Creed with the X-Division title belt, and Shelley gets the pin. This match really could have and should have gone a bit longer. Granted, it was more than four minutes, which was miraculous in and of itself. Once again, fans seemed subdued for the wrong reasons. They cheered spots from each team, but didn’t seem to know how to respond to the teams themselves. This is precisely why “tweener” booking doesn’t work. People want to cheer the Guns, but don’t feel that they can. Fewer people want to cheer Lethal Consequences, but they feel like they should. Reactions are half-hearted at best. Look here, booking people. You can’t manufacture or buy the popularity and crowd response that the Guns were getting. Ride that wave all the way to the bank.

To the video package! The Main Event Mafia tells us to cross the line. You know, because the show isn’t about them nearly enough.

To the back! More Main Event Mafia meltdown (see what I did there?), as Booker T, Sharmell, and Scott Steiner don’t seem at all pleased with Angle’s recent demands and behavior. Booker insists that he knows Sting, and that Sting has never disrespected him like some other people have. Angle tells him that the match tonight can be a handicap match, but Kevin Nash breaks it up. Booker and Sharmell leave with JB, who asks them if the MEM is over. Booker’s dressing room has yellow police tape across the doors. Gold! Before anyone can enter the locker room crime scene, AJ Styles and the Legends title jump Booker and beat the ever-loving crap out of him in the hallway.

To the ring! Beer Money and Jacqueline sally forth, and issue the “Off the Wagon Challenge.” Because they are the best tag team ever, they’re bored. They’ve plowed through everyone who was placed in front of them. They will now defend the tag team titles against anyone, anywhere, any time. However, if Beer Money wins, whoever gets pinned or is forced to submit has to leave TNA forever. No coming back under a mask. No coming back as a referee, ring announcer, bell ringer, or stupid camera man. You’re gone for good. The challenge is for real, and it starts tonight. Strong segment, but pointing out how boring the show was is only heelish if the show is not, in fact, boring.

To the back! Lauren interviews, Taylor Wilde, Roxxi, and “the Governor.” Lauren asks why she’s still “in character” when the whole prank against the Beautiful People is over. The asinine answer is that it’s so much fun. Not for viewers, it isn’t! Come on, it’s friggin’ Daffney! Let her scream and be amazing! Ah, well. They outnumber the Beautiful People tonight because of the Spike TV rules that men can’t become physically violent with women, ergo, Cute Kip can’t touch them. This makes it three-on-two.

To the therapist’s office! Abyss is in session with Dr. Stevie. Jeebus! Why couldn’t they at least call him “Dr. Richards?” No good can come of this.

Match #2: LAX and Shane Sewell defeat Brutus Magnus, Sheik Abdul Bashir, and Matt Morgan: This match should have been called “Hernandez kills everyone in about four minutes.” Considering how much push Morgan and Magnus have gotten lately, this was a surprise.

Hardcore History, 101. Mick Foley tries to remember important moments in his career, and dropping an elbow on Sting seems to be one of those moments. For some reason. These segments are just not doing much for me. I used to love Mick, but….

To the announce table! Jim Cornette informs us that a team that hasn’t teamed together in several years has accepted Beer Money’s challenge for later tonight.

To the weight room! Lauren attempts to interview Scott Steiner as he works out on a weight bench. Among other gems, he tells her that she can work out with him if she takes off her clothes. A disembodied arm enters the frame and pins the weight to Steiner’s chest. Samoa Joe (or at least his arm) tells Steiner that he could crush that oh-so-recently rebuilt sternum easily. He won’t, though, because he wants to properly introduce Steiner to his Nation of Violence. Please tell me I’m not the only one who thinks “Nation of Domination” every time Joe says this. Steiner had better get ready, because Joe’s gonna kill him. Yes, I agree that threats of murder should be avoided in wrestling, but I give an exception to Samoa Joe. I’m just too much of a sucker for that line. The only other person who should be allowed to say “I kill you!” is Raisha Saeed. I so eagerly await that day!

To the back! Lauren (that woman gets around!) interviews Sojourner Bolt about the possible conflict between her role as a member of the Kongtourage and her Knockouts title shot at Awesome Kong at an undisclosed future date. Raisha Saeed interrupts, and tells SoJo that she has already talked too much outside of the group. SoJo says that she understood, she just didn’t listen. Nobody but her mama tells her what to do. SoJo walks away after shoving Saeed. Saeed tells Lauren that there will be big trouble. Please dear god don’t let Mama Bolt turn up! We all know how Mama Benjamin worked out. Well, unless she’s Jewish…. J

Match #3: Taylor Wilde (w/ Roxxi and “the Governor”) defeated Angelina Love (w/ Velvet Sky and Cute Kip): Angelina Love is clearly the best wrestler out of this lot. Not the best Knockouts match ever.

To the “Win a Night with ODB” contest! Submit videos of your friends and family without their knowledge or consent! We did. Sorry, JT. J

To the back! JB (Lauren must be tired) talks with Sting, who points out that Kurt Angle should have known that Sting was not going to let the title out of his hands at “Against All Odds.” He slightly modifies his previous point, saying that with a select few exceptions, anyone other than himself holding the World Heavyweight Championship would tarnish it. Names, Sting! We want names!

“Rough Cuts” time! This week features another look at the Ultimate X match. AJ Styles, Alex Shelley, Chris Sabin, Hernandez, and Brother D-Von talk about how the match shows off the amazingly athletic skills of the smaller wrestlers, and how they have an advantage over the heavyweights in that type of match. Great clips from past matches are shown. This is a good way to acquaint new viewers with the match before the ppv.

Match #4: Beer Money defeats Eric Young and Petey Williams in an “Off the Wagon Challenge” Tag Team title match: This is what a good tag team match, running about twelve minutes, can be. Eric Young and Petey Williams came out to the old “Team Canada” entrance music, wearing matching Canada jackets. If you knew how it was going to end, it was even more emotional to watch this. Jacqueline interfered repeatedly, and Beer Money cheated to win without using the beer bottle. Petey Williams was pinned, so his TNA career is over. Beer Money exits up the ramp, mocking Petey as they leave. Young gets the crowd cheering for Petey, which they were really already doing. Petey’s emotion overcomes him, and he cries in the ring. He got a good send-off. I just hate TNA for making it necessary. Sure, Petey may never have been a World Heavyweight title contender, but he was one that they should have tried to keep. Whether the real reason for his departure is that a satisfactory new contract could not be negotiated, or that creative had nothing for him, it’s still rubbish. They could have at least let him hit one last Canadian Destroyer. The announcers really did not treat this with the importance that they should have. It was the first of these challenges, and the idea that someone who had been a mainstay of the company was suddenly forced to leave should have been a bigger deal once he actually lost the match. Good bye, Petey, and good luck. I’ll miss seeing you on my tv.

To the back! Lauren interviews Team 3D and Rhino. Rhino comes off as a complete wuss for concern over Angle and Sting. Team 3D hopes that Angle and Sting cripple each other. The respect for Sting has evaporated since the last time they were on camera. They encourage Rhino to come with them to a strip club and hang out. Rhino doesn’t drink. Ah, but D-Von knows this white girl that he thinks Rhino will like. Rhino asks, I kid you not, “She’s not fat, is she?” D-Von as the “Fat Chick Thrilla” is amusing and all, but everyone can’t look like the Knockouts. Or at least like Velvet Sky. Real chicks need love too!

To the outside! Everyone empties the building except for Tenay, West, Angle, and Sting. And whatever crew guys they need for the entrances that no one will be there to see. To be fair, this was treated like a very big deal, which was good.

To the back! Sting makes his entrance. Another shot reveals the Main Event Mafia watching the monitors. From inside the building. Whaaa???

Match #5: Sting vs. Kurt Angle went to a no-contest (Empty Arena match): Yup. The Main Event Mafia interfered. The supposedly empty arena was, in fact, not. Despite their efforts, Angle pretended to accept Sting’s handshake, then spat in the Icon’s face. Security (an even less-Empty Arena) pulled them apart.

To the back! Lauren is with Sting. He’s screaming about how no one has ever disrespected him this much in his entire career. He’s all in now, and if Kurt hates him, the feeling is mutual. If hate were people, Sting would be China! Ok, he didn’t say that, but he was thinking it.

To the back! JB is with the rest of the MEM and Angle is still going berserk. Nash tells Angle that this whole thing is Angle’s fault, not Sting’s. Angle wants Sting at ‘Destination X.” He looks into the camera and tells Jarrett to make it happen.

Final Thoughts: A non-finish on a match that was promoted so intensely seems like a poor idea. Then again, the idea that Kurt Angle vs. Sting is the absolute top match in 2009 TNA would seem to be a poor idea as well. We shall see. The return of Samoa Joe and AJ Styles as forces to be reckoned with is good. When they finally get matches against their MEM nemeses, it will be solid. Whoever thinks that “the Governor” is entertaining should be shot. In the face. Just let the woman have a decent name and let her go with it. And scream. At least Petey got a decent send-off. He could have just vanished without a word. If he really didn’t want to, he shouldn’t have had to leave. If he was low-balled on his contract negotiations like Gail Kim was, that’s pathetic. If “creative” couldn’t think of anything for him and that was the excuse, that’s beyond absurd. Frankly, his narcissistic “Maple Leaf Muscle” bodybuilder persona would have been perfect for the Beautiful People instead of Cute Kip. We’ll never know now. Promotion for the Ultimate X match is going well. Perhaps “Destination X” won’t feel like an afterthought this year. Just don’t cram more than four guys in the match. It’s best with three or four.

Check back next week for more “Impact” Impressions!

Peace out,

Drowgoddess

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