Home ▸ Drowgoddess ▸ “Impact” Impressions 6/30/11

The grand and glorious GIFmaster G is rocking out to concerty goodness as we speak, so the burden of recapping this week’s “Impact” returns to your friendly neighborhood Drowgoddess. Huzzah? While I lack the technical prowess and Charles Barkley connections of my comrade, those things will be represented in this week’s “Smackdown” review. Let’s check out the brain-damagingly unintentional hilarity! Such as it is.

Ridiculously Long Opening Promo That Heavily Features Non-Wrestlers: You expected anything else? For shame. Scott Steiner has joined Immortal. Steiner and Hulk Hogan talk. Crazy Joker Rip-Off Sting speaks via a backstage television, with his back to the audience. He turns around, revealing that the Crazy Joker Rip-Off is now complete, as his make-up now fits the part. Hogan shambles to the ring, calling Sting out as a coward. The Orange-Skinned One will deal with Sting in his own way on his own time. He then calls out Mr. Anderson, who just so happens to be around. Hogan claims that Anderson needs him as much as he needs Anderson. Anderson has a choice. He can face the lunatic Sting by himself, or he can join Immortal and have help. Anderson will lose the title and all of his confidence if he goes it alone. Anderson proclaims himself the “cock of the walk,” with emphasis on the first word. Hogan says that Bischoff handed Anderson the title on a silver platter. This oh-so-compelling exchange is cut short by video footage of Sting laying into Bully Ray backstage with a baseball bat. Sting demands to speak with Hogan. Lights go out! Sting appears in the ring! Sting hits Hogan in the geriatric knees with his bat! Anderson bails! Sting gets a microphone and tells Anderson that they will meet on July 14th (the first recorded appearance of crop circles on Silbury Hill in England, 1988) for something called “Midsummer Nightmare.” Sting turns his attention back to Hogan. Will the real Hulk Hogan please stand up? Please stand up? Please stand up? Sting shoves vitamins down Hogan’s throat, drags him to the center of the ring, and applies the Scorpion Death Lock. Sort of. Immortal runs down, and Sting bails. Bully Ray yells at Sting, saying that the one thing that he can’t stand is a bully, and that what Sting has been doing was “deplorable.” A match is made between Sting and Scott Steiner for tonight. Hogan says that this will be the last time that Sting embarrasses him.

Drowgoddess Thoughts (DGT): Phew! Good to know that wrestling matters. What was that, 20-25 minutes? That’s totally true about the crop circles, by the way.

Devon defeats Samoa Joe: This was part of the “Bound for Glory” series, which I still can’t follow in my head. That’s a bad sign. The match started with a slow and deliberate pace, with Joe going for submissions when possible. Devon makes it to the ropes to break the hold three times. Joe attempts a Muscle Buster, but Devon escapes. Joe tries for a rear naked choke, but Devon reverses it into a spine buster and gets the pin.

DGT: A good story was told here, for a five-minute match. Qualifying matches for a tournament that is supposedly this important should be allowed to go longer than five minutes. Since Devon will be World Heavyweight Champion when I marry Ville Valo, putting him over Joe here seems stupid. The impression definitely seems to be that if Joe is going to associate himself with the X-Division, he’s suddenly not good enough to beat “real” wrestlers. Um, which one of the two has a better upside again?

To the back! Your Pope, My Pope, THE Pope, is kickin’ it with Devon’s sons. He proclaims that a celebration is in order, then wonders where Devon’s wife is.

DGT: If that woman at ringside last week is Devon’s real wife, then I can tap Shane Carwin.

Scott Steiner and Bully Ray yell at each other.

Samoa Joe and Kazarian fight backstage.

To the X-Division video package! This is actually really good.

Low Ki defeated Jimmy Yang and Matt Bentley: Squee! This was great! All three guys looked very strong here, and the video package that aired just prior to the match helped people understand who each wrestler was. I was totally absorbed in this match, and made no effort to take notes on each move. Watch it if you can, because this is the sort of thing that TNA should have been doing all along. At one point, Bentley and Low Ki fought on the floor, and Yang hit a crazy over-the-top-rope dive onto both of them. Kicks and kicks and more stiff kicks. Bentley eats a Low Ki spinning heel kick, then Yang kicks Low Ki in the head and gets a two-count. Yang attempts Yang Time (Baby!) on Bentley, but hits nothing but canvas. Ouch! Low Ki smashes Bentley’s ribcage with the Warrior’s Way, and scores the pin to thunderous chants. This means that Low Ki, Austin Aries, and Zima Xion are three of the four men who will have a four corners match at the “Destination X” ppv for a TNA contract. We’ll find out the final man next week. Why they would want one is anyone’s guess.

DGT: Jimmy Yang wore his Flying Elvises gear, and got his nose busted open at some point. Low Ki actually looked happy, which always scares me more than his usual intensity. Ki did a Sin Cara entrance over the top rope, which was both unexpected and awesome. He wore his blue Kaval gear, but the name had been replaced with “Low Ki.” Matt Bentley has never done anything for me, so his presence here meant nothing to me. You may feel differently. He entered with the “Bentley Bounce” music, but that doesn’t work without Traci.

To the back! Madison Rayne argues with Angelina Love and Winter over who stole her lip gloss. Angelina actually says something, to which Madison responds with a sarcastic, “Oh, you can speak!” Hey, it was funny.

DGT: Well, there is one person sporting new make-up tonight. I’m just sayin’.

Samoa Joe destroys Kazarian at a bar.

Hulk Hogan talks about taking out Sting.

DGT: You know, because that didn’t happen for the first 25 minutes of the show already.

Mickie James defeated Miss Tessmacher, Tara, Angelina Love, Winter, and Madison Rayne: This was a six-Knockout elimination match, but is was presented as a three-on-three tag team match at first. Love and Winter worked together very well, but Rayne stood in the opposite corner from them. No mention was made of the history between Love and Rayne. Winter eliminates Miss Tessmacher with a Northern Lights suplex. Love hit Tara with the Botox Injection, but Rayne stole the pin and eliminated Tara. Winter and Love stood by and let Mickie take down and eliminate Rayne. Now it’s Winter and Love against Mickie. Love lays out Mickie, but Winter stops her from making the pin. “You’ve had your turn. It’s my turn now.” This team dissent allows Mickie to recover and eliminate Love with a hangman’s neckbreaker. A jumping DDT from Mickie eliminates Winter, and gives Mickie the victory.

DGT: Miss Tessmacher is currently billed as from Houston, Texas. I wish to all manner of divinity that they would introduce her as “from the Hooters on Kirby Drive in Houston, Texas.” Because she is. Speaking of, Miss Tessmacher and her stripper entrance aren’t going to appeal to the “broader demographic” that new Spike TV executives want. The Knockouts were once the main reason to watch “Impact,” and now everything about them has become so trashy and classless that it’s off-putting. I’m not saying that as a jealous female (cheers, Lawler), I’m stating a fact. If your wives, girlfriends, and daughters won’t or shouldn’t watch it, then I’m right.

Gunner talks about defeating AJ Styles.

DGT: I still don’t care.

To the video package! This one covers Abyss and Brian Kendrick, and the X-Division title. Abyss quotes “The Art of War” and completely misinterprets what was said? That’s a shot!

To the ring! We have Jeremy Borash and a red carpet in the ring. That can only mean a soon-to-be-interrupted contract signing! Christopher Daniels (stylin’ and profilin’ in dress clothes) and AJ Styles (in ring gear) sign the contract and talk up their match. AJ doesn’t want things to get personal. Daniels insists that whatever happens during the match, he will shake his best friend’s hand when they’re done. Cue Jerry Lynn! Lynn is sick of hearing guys arguing over who built the X-Division, because the X-Division has always been about the wrestling. Cue Rob Van Dam! RVD was X-Division before there was an X-Division, and everyone in the X-Division has simply spent years and years trying to be RVD. Daniels takes control of the situation, and suggests a preview match for next week. A four corners match between Styles, Daniels, RVD, and Lynn. The audience voices approval.

DGT: These guys did a great job of talking up the X-Division and why it matters so much to them, and to wrestling in general. Since the company as a whole won’t do much of anything to promote the division or the ppv, this is a good thing. It’s refreshing to see professional respect on display here. Every match promotion doesn’t need the “heel interrupts babyface and insults ensue” format.

Gunner defeats AJ Styles: Yes, really. This was the “rubber match” between these two. AJ was leaving the ring after the X-Division promo, and was jumped at ringside by Gunner, who threw him into the ring. AJ controlled the match until Gunner pulled the referee in front of him. Gunner lands his F5-ish move and gets the pin. This win puts Gunner in the lead for the “Bound for Glory” series.

DGT: Seriously? Gunner is new blood, but he just hasn’t been that impressive yet to warrant a main-event push at the expense of so many other guys.

To the X-Division video package! Another good one, but not as good as it could have been.

Crazy Joker Rip-off Sting speaks.

DGT: I’m not one of those people who feels that Heath Ledger’s version of the Joker should be off-limits for all time. That Sting has become a blatant rip-off of that character and does it so poorly, rather than using the character as a launching pad to create something new, irritates me to no end.

ODB vs. Velvet Sky video package! Instead of a bunch of shouting, one thoughtful promo of “legitimate female wrestlers” versus “eye candy getting what they don’t deserve” would actually make this feud matter.

To the Velvet Sky promo! Vel-vel talks about being bullied her entire life because she was the “runt of the litter,” and not being as weak as she once was, and beating ODB and Jackie in their handicapped match next week.

DGT: Ok. There is no way that the laws of physics would allow Velvet Sky to beat both ODB and Jackie in a handicapped match. Look at the sizes and builds in question here. Everyone assumes that Velvet will win, and it’s beyond absurd. In addition, and I don’t care how petty this sounds, does TNA honestly expect that we will believe that a woman who has been stunningly gorgeous for her entire life (we’ve all seen pictures) has spent that life being constantly bullied and picked on for being a “runt?” Asking us to feel sorry for her here is a bit of a stretch. There has been no real promo time given to either side in this feud to make us take it seriously or care about it. Shouting obscenities over each other doesn’t count.

Mexican America hits the ring. Oh, jeebus. Hernandez says something incomprehensible in any language. Anarquia complains that they are not on the “Bound for Glory” ppv, while Beer Money is. Mexican America has beaten all of the best teams in TNA. They will wreak havoc, essa! Cue the British Invasion! Doug Williams and Magnus, in spiffy dress clothes, stroll to the ring. Magnus hates people who come to another country and expect to have things handed to them that they haven’t earned. Mexican America hasn’t earned a tag team title shot, they’ve never beaten the British Invasion, and they never will. Magnus demands a match next week to determine the true Number One contenders to the tag team titles. He tells Hernandez and Anarquia to grow a pair and leave the birds at home. Sarita and Rosita take issue with this. Hernandez and Anarquia act like they didn’t hear him properly. Magnus repeats himself slowly, telling them to leave “los prostitutas” at home. Rosita takes off her big gold hoop earrings and spits in Magnus’s face before slapping him. The Itas bail, while the guys beat down the Brits. Hernandez is about to hit a Border Toss when all of Mexican America suddenly bails. It’s INS! Actually, it’s Rob Terry. Either way, the Brits are in the ring while Mexican America shouts at them from the ramp.

DGT: When the Mexican flag is dropped, it would be hilarious if someone put a “The people behind me can’t see” sign on it. Magnus is so much fun on the mic. The Itas are great, but Hernandez and Anarquia need to go. Yes, I am still bitter that Anarquia caused Chris Sabin’s injuries that have him missing out on the X-Division ppv and six months of his career. It’s because Hernandez and Anarquia are terrible. At everything. When you have a reputation in two countries as being dangerously careless to work with, there’s a problem.

A video package from Jeff and Karen Jarrett in Mexico City. They’re bringing back presents for all of Immortal. Dysentery? Hookers with chlamydia? Whatever could it be?

Bully Ray talks up Immortal. Abyss can’t find his mask, and loses his mind. He has a towel over his head. The funniest part is that his book with the clearly fake “The Art of War” cover on it is about two inches thick. Anyone who has ever actually read “The Art of War” knows that it is a very short book. How big is his print?

Sting defeated Scott Steiner: Steiner’s power dominated at first. Sting lands the Scorpion Death Drop for the pin. Post-match, Bully Ray and Mr. Anderson join Steiner to beat up Sting. Hogan starts to join in, but – Hey, look! It’s Kurt Angle! Angle cleans house and Immortal bails.

DGT: Hang on. Kurt Angle is supposed to be the Number One Contender to Anderson’s title, and he doesn’t even get a mention until the last thirty seconds of the show? ‘Kay.

Thanks for playing, peeps, and next week, you should have your G-Man back for his regularly-scheduled goodness.

Peace out,

Drowgoddess

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