Home ▸ Drowgoddess ▸ “iMPACT” Impressions 6/4/09

See that line over there? No, THAT one. Yes. Go cross it!

I want it on record that this review occurs under duress. We have it so rough here at www.boredwrestlingfan.com. Some of us would LIKE to have it so rough, but that’s as may be. This week’s title is “You Can Go Back Home.” Is this a thinly-veiled shot at the non-ex-WWE guys on the roster, specifically the past and present X-Division stars? I’m just sayin’.

To the parking lot! Lauren tries to get a word with the newly-returned “Franchise” Shane Douglas, who looks remarkably like Eddie Izzard really let himself go, or the host of one of those competition restaurant programs. Douglas asks Lauren who she is, introduces himself, and tells us that he is here to leave his mark on TNA for a very long time to come. Does that mean he’s going to pee on something? Eew.

Match #1: Kiyoshi and Sheik Abdul Bashir defeat Daniels and Suicide: Opening with a *gasp* wrestling match??? Again? Wow! Kiyoshi and Sheik Abdul Bashir enter first. Kiyoshi’s rocking the red paint and hair stripe. I still like the black and silver better. Suicide appeared at the top of the entrance ramp. It looked like he was coming up out of the floor and the camera caught him just a fraction too soon. I could be wrong. In any case, this was solid, evenly-balanced action. Kiyoshi and Bashir gelled nicely as a team, and Daniels and Suicide had their moments. The back-and-forth pacing skidded to a halt when Suicide, who was not the legal man, jumped over the top rope to splatter Bashir on the floor. Bashir grabbed at his ankle and took off his boot. Don West rails against Suicide’s “cheap shot.” While the referee was checking Bashir’s possible injury, Suicide was rushed by Lethal Consequences and the Motor City Machine Guns, all grabbing at the mask and beating him down. The four chase Suicide to the back, leaving Daniels in the ring with Kiyoshi and Bashir on the outside. Shane Douglas rushes the ring, punches Daniels in the head with a chain, and slides out of the ring just as a recovered Bashir shoves the referee into the ring to make the count. Kiyoshi gets the pin on Daniels. Bashir and Kiyoshi celebrate on the ramp with all three members of the British Invasion.  

Drowgoddess Thoughts (DGT): I really like Bashir’s entrance music. Can anyone help with obtaining a copy? Tenay goes on and on about Bashir and Kiyoshi furthering their anti-American agenda, but they almost never get any tv time, so what have we seen to justify that statement? During Bashir’s entire tenure in TNA, he has yet to say anything that is anti-American. Not really. He has criticized America’s treatment of certain segments of the population, and its foreign policy. Last I checked, voicing dissent in government-related matters was not only legal, but the moral obligation of good citizens. According to TNA, vocally disagreeing with your country’s government makes you evil and anti-American. Way to make a political statement. An international faction could be a grand thing if properly handled, but “You’re brown. You’re from another country. That makes you bad.” is the cheapest, lamest way to do it. Don West’s commentary during this match was great, but there’s too much talk about things not happening in the ring. Tenay is awful. Just awful.    

To the ring! Shane Douglas has a chair, a chain, and a mic. He tells Daniels not to take any of this personally. It’s just business. He calls the fans “jabrones.” Not “jabronies.” “Jabrones.” Ugh. Like the afore-mentioned “jabrones,” Douglas is a fan of TNA wrestling. He was watching the show “religiously” when he saw Jeff Jarrett disrespect the legends by giving Daniels a second chance. Read that sentence again. One more time. It doesn’t make any more sense, I just wanted you to read it again. Douglas wants his second chance, which he apparently never got due to politics, and “someone upstairs” not liking him. Does he mean that God doesn’t like Shane Douglas? He demands his second chance, and he will continue to make life miserable for Daniels, TNA, and everybody else until he gets it.

DGT: Shane Douglas looks bad. Some people were cheering him, but it was the “You used to be famous” cheering. The logic behind his return is shaky at best. He said that he walked out three years ago, which sounds like it was his decision to go. Daniels got fired due to a match stipulation. There’s a huge difference. I respect Douglas’s work in the original ECW, but I’ve never been impressed with him beyond that. Bringing him back serves no purpose, and can’t possibly bring any benefit to TNA.

To Mick Foley’s office. Jeremy Borash asks Foley about his plans to have the rulebook changed to allow one TNA World Heavyweight Championship title defense each year instead of every thirty days. Foley says that it’s a world championship, not a menstrual cycle. GOLD! Foley compares world title defenses to the Super Bowl, the World Series, and several other once-a-year major sporting events. Would those events matter as much if they happened every month? Of course not. Kip James enters, begging to be put back on the roster after Angelina Love fired him from The Beautiful People. He needs money, he needs to work, he has a family to support with a kid getting ready for college. Foley tells him that things are tight, and adjustments have to be made. Kip says that he’ll do anything at all, he needs to work. Foley says he’ll see what he can do and get back to him. Kip leaves with uncertainty. Kevin Nash and Jenna Morasca enter. Nash asks what Foley is smoking to make the Nash/Joe match a “Lethal Lockdown” rules match. Foley apologizes for taking out other frustrations on Nash, but the match has been advertised and promoted, so it has to take place. Nash refuses to participate. He cares nothing for ratings or the number of people watching, he does it for the money. Foley offers Nash triple his usual payoff for the match. Nash suggests four times the amount, to which Foley agrees. Nash is happy now, and leaves. JB points out that Foley just told Kip James that things were tight. Foley says, “Things ARE tight. For Kip.” Foley and JB explode into hysterical laughter.  

DGT: Foley was spot-on with this. Yes, he’s a heel, but his logic is indisputable. Those are the best heels, the ones you hate even more because you have to admit that they have a point. He’s just treating the World title with the respect it deserves. Kip James is supposed to be a sympathetic babyface now because he has to get work to support his family? Considering how many people wonder just how the hell the man ever kept a job in TNA in the first place, there isn’t much sympathy there. Yes, things are bad in economic terms. Yes, Foley comes off as an absolute ass for doing what he did with Nash. However, nobody cares about Kip James, so his family losing everything won’t matter. Welcome to my life, Kippers! If Nash is banging the former MEM Slut Machine (See what I did there? Wordplay is fun.), shouldn’t he have tons of money now anyway?

To the back! Lauren interviews Lethal Consequences and the Motor City Machine Guns. Consequences Creed and Chris Sabin are dressed to wrestle, and stand the closest to Lauren. Jay Lethal keeps making the “point at the hand” gesture while others are talking. Alex Shelley looks bored and annoyed. Lauren says that they’re being true to their word and teaming up to take on Beer Money. Chris Sabin looks at Consequences Creed and says, “Do I like this man? Of course not! I don’t like him, his face, or his Ninja Turtle wallet. Does he like me? Of course he does, who doesn’t like the Motor City Machine Guns?” Jay Lethal interrupts the promoey goodness with “Why do you talk so slow?” Consequences Creed chimes in with more about their common enemy, Suicide, who thinks that he can just come into the X-Division and take “what we created.” The other three, yes, but Creed hasn’t created squat. Lethal Consequences exits with great energy and enthusiasm. The Guns sigh heavily. Sabin turns to Shelley and says, “Here we go.” As they walk away, Shelley raises a fist and shouts, “No more shape-shifting!”  

DGT: Lauren looked disgusted when Sabin said, “That’s right, sexy,” proving indisputably that she is of the Devil and has no soul. The big problem here is WTF??? Why is this match happening? Even by TNA standards, this is incomprehensible. Beer Money has a tag team title shot against Team 3D at “Slammiversary.” Ok. Both Lethal Consequences and the MCMG would want in on the tag team title action after that match. Ok. Beating Beer Money tonight would almost ensure a title shot down the road. Ok. Given all this, what possible reason or advantage is there in splitting up the teams? The mixing of face and heel teams who hate each other isn’t so bad, as the storyline potential is interesting, but there’s absolutely no reason to do it here. If either Lethal Consequences or the Guns had been scheduled to fight Beer Money and something had happened to one guy (Alex Shelley actually did get sent home because he was sick), that set-up could have worked. Maybe Suicide could have jumped one guy in the back and taken him out, leaving the partner in need of a quick replacement. Maybe Lethal Consequences came up with the idea to prepare for the X-Division title match at “Slammiversary.” Something! Teaming up to unmask Suicide has nothing at all to do with a match against Beer Money. A stronger reason was needed here.    

Match #2: Beer Money defeats Consequences Creed and Chris Sabin: The wrestling was good, but this was all about the story. Jay Lethal comes out with Creed and Alex Shelley accompanies Sabin. Beer Money carries the trophies from the Team 3D tournament, and James Storm’s Boozer Cruiser has a Beer Money flag on the back. Awesomeness! Storm chugs beer from his trophy. More awesomeness. Sabin shoves Creed out of the way and starts the match with Robert Roode. Sabin heels it up against Roode with fingers to the eye and a slap to the head, but after Roode counters a tornado DDT, Beer Money double-team Sabin. The “Beer! Money!” cheer got a big response. Sabin runs to Creed and tags him in, almost pushing him into the ring. Storm totally overpowers Creed. Creed kicks out at two. Storm gets thrown into the ropes, and Sabin grabs him by the hair and yanks him to the mat before throwing up both arms in a protestation of innocence. Creed takes major issue with this, and argues with Sabin. Sabin tags himself in and goes after Storm with a series of punches before spitting at Roode. Roode tries to come in, and while the referee was distracted, Creed reluctantly follows orders to get in the ring without a tag being made. At one point, Creed and Sabin both go for a tope rope move at the same time, collide, and crash to the mat. A shoving match ensues, allowing Storm to tag in Roode, who cleans house. Roode goes for a pin on Creed after a high spine buster, but Sabin breaks it up at two. Storm rushes Sabin and knocks him to the outside, where they brawl. The British Invasion chooses this moment to saunter to the ring and climb up on the apron, looking at Beer Money. They’re barely there a moment when Team 3D jumps them and pulls them down, fighting them to the back. In the ring, Creed struggles with Roode, but gets him in the corner. Sabin charges with a huge running yakuza kick, but Roode dodges and Sabin kicks Creed instead. Storm plants the future Mr. Drowgoddess with the Last Call super kick, and Beer Money hits Creed with the Drinking While Investing (DWI) for the win.

DGT: Too much! Stop mixing all the different storylines together. It doesn’t work. In theatre, there’s a concept called focus. There can only be one focus at any point in any scene. Otherwise, the audience doesn’t know where they should be paying particular attention, and they get confused. This show needs focus lessons. The MCMG trying to make Lethal Consequences use heel tactics and Lethal Consequences objecting was nice stuff. Yes, the British Invasion is after Beer Money. A backstage segment could have dealt with that. How much air time doews Team 3D need in regard to this supposed “mutual respect” thing? Don West was awesome on commentary, particularly with the idea that Team 3D is faking their respect for Beer Money, and will screw them over at the ppv. I hope he’s right. I just hope it’s Beer Money doing the faking.

To the back! Lauren is with all three of The Beautiful People. They have a flashlight. They’re looking for something. They’re hunting wabbits. Hehehehehehehehehe!

To the back! The Beautiful People are beating down the former Victoria, now called Tara. Tara manages a comeback and kicks Velvet Sky in the midsection before throwing her into the wall. Don West cries out, “No, not Velvet Sky!” Tara dumps trash all over Velvet Sky, shouting, “You want a make-over? I’ll give you a make-over!” Tara then takes out Madison Rayne with a trash can lid. So much bleeping is going on that one can hardly understand the announcers. Tara whirls around on Angelina Love, who tries to apologize and back off. Tara is having none of it. “You’re next, bitch!” Angelina Love turns to run and slams face-first into the door before actually running away.

DGT: I love Tara! In a variety of ways…. This was short, sweet, and to the point. Stop whining about the name change! Tenay plainly said “Tara, formerly known as Victoria.” TNA made this perfectly clear. I’m so looking forward to the Knockouts title match between these two! 

To the back! Lauren interviews one of the two most desirable women in wrestling, Daffney. Lauren doesn’t want to do it, but she isn’t losing her job over this. Daffney’s promo about being crazy and hurting Taylor Wilde tonight must be heard / watched. Transcribing it here does it no justice. The vocal inflection, the facial expressions, the tone and volume of voice, it’s just all AMAZING! 

To the Mike Tenay sit-down interview! The Main Event Mafia. Nash rambles about getting paid and not dying. Booker T shouts unintelligible garble. Steiner shouts about Joe being fat. Angle shouts about tearing Joe limb from limb. Sting interrupts, and says that he’s disappointed in them. They forgot who they are and where they came from. They’ll take care of Joe, but they’ll do it on their clock and his way.

DGT: Pointless waste of time. There are better ways to demonstrate the transition of Godfather power in the MEM than this.

Match #3: Daffney defeats Taylor Wilde: I want a copy of Daffney’s entrance music! Someone help with that, please. My internet mate Legend Killer’s woman, Taylor Wilde, goes on the offensive right away, sweeping Daffney’s leg and knocking her to the floor from the ring apron before throwing her into the stairs. The action returns to the ring, but Taylor Wilde gets distracted by the arrival of a kendo stick-carrying Dr. Stevie and Raven. Daffney takes advantage of the moment to rake her nails down Taylor’s back, in a way that some people might find arousing. Short match, but quality wrestling from both women. Daffney hits Taylor Wilde with the Lobotomy for the pin and three-count. Post-match, Daffney tears into Taylor Wilde again with kicks, punches, and rubbing her face in the canvas. Lauren rushes out to make the save. Raven cuts a promo on Abyss disobeying doctor’s orders. He says that Dr. Stevie wrote a prescription that needed to be filled. The better the medicine, the worse the taste, and he was going to be the foulest thing that Abyss had ever had forced down his throat.  

DGT: Love, love, LOVE the “Psycho Circus” stable of Raven, Stevie Richards, and Daffney!!! Good call to show the video package detailing how all this happened. It’s just a shame that Roxxi had to be let go. The reaction to Daffney is just like the initial reaction to Lita. Say what you will about Lita now, but the parallels are striking. Both are smoking hot, but in a visually different, unconventional way. Neither one would ever be lost in the sea of bleached blonde silicon Barbie dolls so prominent in wrestling. Both are fun to watch in the ring, though their wrestling styles are very different. Both have mass appeal. Sure the guys and lesbians want them, but straight chicks actually want to be like them, which ensures greater popularity. Regardless of the current storyline, Daffney will be an insanely popular babyface within six months. You heard it here first. Don West had one of his best exchanges here, saying that Taylor Wilde was the kind of woman you take home to meet your mom, then leave her with your mom while you sneak off with Daffney. Tenay asked, for some odd reason, where that left Awesome Kong. “Hopefully, at your house,” was West’s response. GOLD!   

To the back! Jeff Jarret talks on his cell phone while walking to the ring. We go to a commercial break.

To the video package! Highlights (or lowlights) from Eric Young’s TNA career are spliced together with audio and video from his recent matches and post-match assault on Jeff Jarrett. Very nicely done.

To the ring! Jeff Jarrett enters and introduces his “good friend,” Eric Young. Eric Young comes to the ring, and both men stand there with mics. Jarrett talks about their history together, praises EY’s abilities, but emphasizes that last week, Jarrett proved the better man. Perhaps on another night, EY would have been the better man. It doesn’t really matter now. It’s totally up to EY whether they chalk last week’s events up to immaturity and inexperience and go back to the way things used to be between them, or Jarrett will take this thing as far as EY wants to go. EY takes over, and talks about his own father leaving and not seeing him. He talks about viewing Jarrett as a father figure, and how both he and Jarrett had decided not to be like their own fathers and ignore those closest to them. He brings up how TNA was all about Jeff Jarrett now, and that the ones suffering the most would not be him or the guys in the back, but Jarrett’s three little girls, who were being forced to settle for being second-best. Jarrett attacks EY, and security pulls the two apart several times. 

DGT: Yes, it went too long. Yes, the actual material wasn’t so great. Based on the thread, I’m in the minority on this, but Eric Young did some of the best promo work of his career here in terms of delivery and character. Jarrett was just condescending enough for EY to look sympathetic, though that’s clearly not the intention. I’m absolutely into heel Eric Young, and when you look back over all the things that he has done for TNA, it’s difficult not to take his side against Jeff Jarrett.

To Mick Foley’s office! The former Main Event Mafia security has been hired by Foley. Meh.

To the video package! Jesse Neal tell shis story about joining the Navy, being stationed on the USS Cole, his best friend, with whom he planned to get into pro wrestling when they left the Navy, and the terrorist attack that killed his friend. Rhino has been training him, and tonight, Neal debuts against Matt Morgan. Neal’s parents are at ringside.

DGT: Everything that I’ve ever read says that Neal’s story is legit. If it is, more power to him. All the same, the idea seems to be that we should cheer for this guy because really bad things happened to him. That’s called pity. I’m not cheering for you because you were in the military, or because your best friend died in a terrorist attack. I’ll cheer you because you’re good and you entertain me. Are you?

Match #4: Matt Morgan defeats Jesse Neal: Neal got in a little bit of offense, but Morgan totally overpowered and outclassed him. In short order, Morgan hit the Carbon Footprint for the win. Rhino looked disappointed at ringside for the duration of the match, and both announcers commented on it. 

DGT: Whoever allowed Jesse Neal to wrestle in those clothes should be kicked in the face. By KENTA. Repeatedly. He looked so very, very sloppy. He didn’t require full gear, but nobody should wrestle a tv match looking like that unless it’s part of the story. Are we heading toward a Rhino/Jesse Neal feud? Possibly.

To Leroy’s Fitness Club in Bucksnort, TN! Or at least a video clip thereof. Cody Deaner is in training with ODB. The pull up on a four-wheeler. “Leroy” is ODB’s cousin, and this is where she got her start. She runs Deaner through weightlifting with paint cans, squatting with kegs, and so on. ODB had some great lines here. “My grandmother hits harder than you, and she’s dead!” “You gotta look like a man, and have a sweet, fine ass!” A kind of stupid segment, but funnier than most of the previous ones.

To the ring! Mick Foley, flanked by Rocco and Sally Boy, hits the ring. He announces matches for next week’s show – Samoa Joe versus both Scott Steiner and Booker T, and Sting versus Kurt Angle in a KOTM Qualifying match. He goes on about how Jeff Jarrett has snapped, is out of control, and is capable of anything. The bludgeoning assault of Earl Hebner will not go without payback, for as Jarrett himself said, every action has a reaction. Next week, Jarrett will see that Foley’s reaction will be hardcore.

To the back! JB interviews Sting regarding his new role as Godfather of the Main Event Mafia. Sting is not worried about being booked in a match against Angle, because the MEM is stronger and more focused than they have ever been, now that he is dictating their direction. Matt Morgan interrupts, expecting Sting to be impressed with his annihilation of Jesse Neal, and signing him to a big MEM contract. Sting is not impressed, and tells Morgan to come back later when he can talk to him with respect. Sting leaves. Morgan flips out and yells at JB that, former champion or not, he’s getting in to the Mafia.

DGT: They don’t want you. Let it go.

To the MEM locker room! During the commercial break, Foley added “First Blood” rules to the Samoa Joe versus Booker T and Scott Steiner match for next week. Specifically, the match begins with Joe/Steiner. If Steiner makes Joe bleed first, the match ends. If Joe makes Steiner bleed first, that match ends, Steiner leaves and Booker T steps in. If Booker T makes Joe bleed, the Main Event Mafia wins. If Joe makes Booker bleed, Joe wins. Ok. At least they’re explaining it in advance, which is good. Booker T actually yells at Joe that this is not a movie. Then what are all the auditions for, Mr. BT Huffman? Steiner says that growing up in Detroit and surviving there is where the real violence is at, and that after he and Booker are done with Joe, they’re going to stick an apple in his mouth like the fat pig he is. Sharmell enters, angry that she has to knock now. She complains that Jenna Morasca has hogged the hair and make-up chair all day. Booker and Sharmell leave together.

Match #5: Samoa Joe defeats Kevin Nash: This was a KOTM Qualifying match under “Lethal Lockdown” rules. A cage match, if you will. Nash enters first. Joe enters late, as he was talking with his mystery advisor again. The match begins with a kendo stick sword fight that would make renaissance faire employees everywhere proud. Nash even held a trash can lid as a shield before Joe kocked it away. They move on to punches, throwing each other into the cage, and the requisite Nash low-blow. Nash hits Joe with a trash can lid and goes for three successive pins, all of which fail. Joe gets in more offense, including some kicks and a choke attempt. Joe breaks a hockey stick over Nash’s back and scores the pin. As Joe exits up the ramp, he grabs a mic and says, “It is done!”  

DGT: I never liked Kevin Nash when he was in his prime. I like him even less now. That guys like Joe who fight him have to work around him, and this bothers no one, is garbage. The man has no business in a ring because he’s dreadful, presuming he can even make it to the ring without injuring himself. Seriously, if I asked you why you like him and are cool with everything that he does, you’d likely say something like, “Because he’s Kevin Nash.” Would “Random old guy with a different name” be as acceptable? I just want him to go away.

FINAL THOUGHTS: To read this review, the show seems better than it was when I watched it. The Knockouts title match is being set up in grand fashion. Daffney and the “Psycho Circus” faction (Yes, I stole the name, but it suits them!) are marching on with glory. The actual wrestling of the first two matches was good to very good, even if the reasons why were non-existent. We were introduced to Jesse Neal the wrestler, reminded that Rhino, ODB, and Cody Deaner are still alive, Foley was a complete ass, Jarret snapped, and Eric Young has gone to the dark side. No real complaints about any of that. Any show where Chris Sabin has a match, Daffney has a match, and Tara kicks the crap out of three people at once has to be good. Why, then, do I feel like I just sat through something that violates the Geneva Convention? Check back right here next week, as your Empress of “Impact” will bring you more TNA goodness. Not THAT, you sick freak!  

Peace out,
Drowgoddess

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