Home ▸ Drowgoddess ▸ Impact Impressions 8/27/09

WELCOME TO iMPACT! ThinkSoJoE here, covering the earlygoing of this week’s episode, where we’ll see Dixie Carter on television for the first time! The Empress of iMPACT will be along shortly, but I’ve got the opening segment. Ready kids? Time to CROSS THE LINE!

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Previously: Kurt Angle has had his problems with Kurt Angle and the Knockouts get their own tag division

“Mind Games”

Lauren meets up with Sting and AJ Styles as they pull up to the arena, and she asks AJ about his retirement announcement last week. He says he’s got his gear. Sting says TNA is growing up. Kyp James asks if Sting needs him to park his car. Sting says he doesn’t have to. Kyp says he used to have a car like that. Lauren asks him when. He says when he was over.

TNA Intro/Pyro

Dixie Carter will be joined by Bobby Lashley, and AJ Styles makes his return to the ring in our main event. Mike Tenay, Taz, and Daniels are ringside, and Daniels says he just wanted a good seat as the X-Division Champion is in action.

The following contest is set for one fall – introducing first, SUICIDE! His opponent, representing the Nation of Violence, the TNA X-Division Champion, The Samoan Submission Machine, Samoa Joe!

Match #1: Samoa Joe vs. Suicide goes to a no contest

Suicide has some unique offense – and I say this because I don’t think I’ve ever paid attention to one of his matches. The Pope, D’Angelo Dinero hits the ring in the middle of the match, and all hell breaks loose, as this match ends in a no contest.

Earl Hebner apparently has booking authority in TNA, because he makes a match for later tonight pitting Suicide and Daniels against Samoa Joe and D’Angelo Dinero

Lauren is standing by with Eric Young. Last week, Young interrupted a Hernandez interview. Does he really think there’s a chance Hernandez joins the World Elite? Young says there’s no chance. No possibility – but there is a guarantee. He’s a foreigner to these people, just like Eric Young is. Tonight, Young will open Hernandez’s eyes.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

TNA is doing the stupid “Did you Know” things now – but they’re calling it “For The Record.”

The World Elite is in the ring, and Eric Young has a microphone. He’s going to hand it to Bashir, since he’s got something to say to the American public. The fans chant “USA,” despite the fact that Bashir is from Detroit. He takes off his headgear to eliminate any pre-conceived notions of him, and he’d like to talk about the War in Iraq. May 3, 2003, George Bush goes over and says “Mission Accomplished.” Six years later, if we’re no longer at war, than what is killing hundreds of his brothers and sisters every day? Innocent men and women, innocent children. It’s a world we know nothing about. We don’t want to stop terrorism. We’re junkies, addicts for their oil. We’re jonesing for our cars to be bigger. Our blood is itching for our country to be the richest in the world again. We all know it. Bashir thanks us for our time.

Eric Young says he wants to talk about somebody who’s handcuffed – handcuffed by his corrupt morals. He wants to talk about Hernandez.

Young doesn’t have to wait long – SuperMex makes his way to the ring, microphone in hand. Hernandez says that if Young has something to say, he can say it to his face. Young says he wouldn’t have it any other way, brother. How many times has Hernandez come down draped in the colors of Mexico? Did they honor that? Did they respect that? These people will never respect him. He’ll never be treated as an equal. To the fans, he’s always going to be a foreigner. They’ll stereotype him and view him like they’ve always viewed him – like a common criminal, a street thug, a good for nothing thief. Is that what Hernandez is about? Young knows it’s not, so he needs to come home. The fans chant “Kick his ass.” Young says to come home and be elite. He needs to join the World Elite. Hernandez says he is home. The fans are his family, and they want Young to understand one thing – this is our country. You either love it, or don’t let the door hit you on the ass on the way out. Young stands there with a stupid smirk on his face.

Backstage, Lauren interviews Sharmell and Tracy, who will be facing Kong and Saeed in the first round. The Main Event Mafia representatives are elite females in the wrestling radio – they’re not only going to win tonight, they’ll roll all over Kong and Saeed’s fat asses.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

Your Empress of “Impact” has returned! Many thanks to ThinkSoJoe for covering the start of the show for me.

To the back! Lauren tries to talk about the Knockoputs tag team match coming up, but Alex Shelley focuses the camera on her breasts instead. Dr. Stevie approaches, and tells the MCMG that if they want to get serious, he’ll pay them $50,000 cash to end Abyss’s career. The Guns accept. Lauren is appalled.

Traci and Sharmell vs. Awesome Kong and Raisha Saeed: This was the first round of the Knockouts Tag Team tournament. Saeed dominated early on, and though Traci does most of the work for the MEM team, both she and Sharmell avoid Kong. Kong tags in and levels Traci with several clotheslines. Kong hits Traci with a splash from the second rope, and goes for the pin, but Sharmell breaks up the count. Kong goes after Sharmell, but Saeed tags herself in, and covers the still-prone Traci. Kong and Saeed get the win, and advance in the tournament.

Video recap of the Kurt Angle/Matt Morgan situation.

Matt Morgan enters the MEM locker room alone (well, with JB). The rest of the MEM, particularly Booker, start yelling at him, but Morgan and Angle argue over experience in the business. Morgan asks if Angle plans to team him up with Booker and Steiner to teach him another lesson, and Angle concurs. Morgan asks if Dixie Carter approved of it. Angle says yes, that he talked to her earlier. Morgan points out that Carter is present tonight, and talks up a four-way World Heavyweight title match involving himself, Angle, and two others. Morgan will have Angle’s back, just like Angle had Morgan’s at “Hard Justice” and on last week’s show. Morgan hugs Angle and calls him “little buddy” before leaving. Morgan was awesome here!

Video package of Rhino and Jesse Neal in training.

Rhino vs. Jesse Neal:Rhino tries to shake hands with Jesse Neal, but kicks him in the gut and drives him into the corner with a barrage of punches and forearms. Rhino completely dominates Neal, choking him in th eropes and kicking him in the head, but Neal kicks out at two. Rhino hits a big spinebuster, and gets the three-count. Rhino wins. Neal’s head is bleeding. Post-match, Rhino Gores Neal flat. The referee reverses the decision after seeing Rhino’s actions, and announces Neal as the winner. Rhino continues to beat Neal down, but Brother Devon makes the save and stares down Rhino.

To the back! JB is with ODB and Cody Deaner. After JB’s assurance that Mick Foley takes his cases very seriously, Foley is shown wearing a judge’s wig and carrying a gavel. Abyss interrupts, returning Foley’s bat. Foley gives Abyss a bag of groceries, and wishes him luck in his match with the Guns. “Take it easy on Alex Shelley, my kids love that guy.” ODB claims that it’s the women’s title, and that Deaner doesn’t even look like a woman. Deaner shows evidence of beating up Mike Tyson and Chuck Norris. Foley decides to hold up the Knockouts title until the next ppv, where ODB and Cody Deaner will fight for it. This is crap.

Abyss vs. the Motor City Machine Guns: The Guns want the cash, Abyss just wants to eat. Dr. Stevie accompanies the Guns. Abyss and his street clothes hoddie are next. Sabin grabs Abyss’s legs while Shelley rushes Abyss from the front. They double team him, but Abyss counters and DDTs them both. Abyss chokeslams Sabin onto Shelley. Sabin lands a running Yaskuza kick on Abyss. The Guns follow up with another double team, and Abyss rolls to the outside. Shelley dives over the top rope in a cross body, but Abyss catches him. Sabin hits a suicide dive and knocks Abyss down. Abyss catches Shelley up on his shoulders, and kicks Sabin in the face when he tries to make the save.  Abyss hits the Shock Treatment on Shelley while dropping a leg on Sabin. Sabin goes for a tornado DDT on Abyss from the top rope, but Abyss hits the Black Hole Slam on Sabin for the win. Post-match, Dr. Stevie berates the Guns and shoves them. The Guns retaliate with double team kicks to Dr. Stevie, hang him in the Tree of Woe, and hit him with a Hesitation Dropkick/super kick combination. Abyss applauds this. Abyss grabs a steel chair, and as the Guns leave, they encourage him to attack Dr. Stevie with it. Before Abyss can enter the ring, Kevin nash’s music hits, and the Old Man wanders down to the ring.

Nash accepts the bounty on Abyss, and claims that Abyss had stuck his nose in Nash’s business. Nash and Abyss will go at the next ppv, with the bounty on the line.

To the back! Lauren interviews Daffney about wrestling a debuting Hamada. Daffney relies on the violence. She counts sheep, but doesn’t like them to jump the fence. She drains their blood, skins them, and wears them to the supermarket. GOLD!

Daffney vs. Hamada: This is a “No DQ” match. Daffney starts with punches and they trade chest chops. Hamada kicks and stomps Daffney in the corner. Hamada throws Daffney over the top rope, but Daffney lands on the apron. Hamada hits a spinning heel kick to the head and knocks Daffney from the apron to the floor. When we return from the commercial break, Hamada has set up a table on the floor outside. Hamada hits a jumping enziguri, several headbutts, and a jumping DDT, but Daffney kicks out at two. Daffney hits a kick, but Hamada kicks out at two. Daffney stomps Hamada, and gets a chair. She swings it at Hamada, but misses and hits the ring post. Hamada puts the chair around Daffney’s head and throws her into the ringpost. She lays Daffney on the table and hits a huge Asai moonsault from the top turnbuckle, putting Daffney through the table. She drags Daffney into the ring and hits the Hamada Driver for the win.

Backstage, The Beautiful People are hunting Madison Rayne.

Angelina Love andVelvet Sky force their way past JB and into a dressing room where Madison Rayne is alone. They get in Rayne’s face about costing Love the Knockouts title, and the upcoming ass-kicking that Rayne will get from them. Rayne and a mystery partner take on TBP. Rayne shoves TBP, and they kick the crap out of her.

“The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero and Samoa Joe vs. Suicide and Daniels: This match follows up the opening match with no ending. Anyone who can find the joke about “The Pope” feuding with Suicide, please share it. I know that it’s there. Joe and Suicide start. Joe targets Suicide’s arm. Dinero tags in, and goes after Suicide, but Daniels helps double team Dinero, and then tags in. Daniels and Dinero go. Massive chants of “Pope is pimpin’!” We go to commercial break. When we return from the commercial break, Joe and Daniels are trading punches. Daniels hits the judo takedown. Dinero and Suicide tag in. Joe and Daniels involve themselves. Joe goes to the outside, and Daniels hits the split-legged moonsault from the top rope onto Joe. In the ring, Dinero pulls down his knee pads, and sets up for the running double knee strike that took out Creed last week. Suicide dodges and Dinero hits the ringpost. Suicide covers Dinero and gets the win. Daniels and Suicide celebrate outside, while Joe and Dinero look on with shock from the ring.

To the interview! Dixie Carter and Bobby Lashley sit on a couch, and JB asks a few questions. Dixie announces the new three-year extension deal between TNA and Spike TV. Lashley says that his plans are to have equal success in MMA and TNA. Dixie talks up Lashley as though he is the only person TNA needs on the roster. She wants to see him with world titles on both shoulders, one from MMA and one from TNA. Dixie announces that Lashley’s ppv debut will be against Rhino. Thanks for giving away the result!

Hey, look! It’s Kurt Angle! He makes his way to the announce table and joins Mike Tenay and Taz. Angle talks up Morgan’s lack of experience.  

Matt Morgan, Scott Steiner, and Booker T vs. Hernandez, AJ Styles, and Sting: Massive “AJ! AJ!” chants. Sting and Booker T start. Yawn. I despise Booker T with an unholy fiery passion of burning. Not in a heel heat way. In a “Please fall in front of a bus filled with nitroglycerine” way. Steiner and AJ go, and AJ levels Steiner with a drop kick. AJ tags in Hernandez. Hernandez wants Morgan. They charge each other twice. The third time, Morgan drops Hernandez with a clothesline. Hernandez gets Morgan in a long delayed suplex, and takes him down. Morgan rolls to the outside, where Booker and Steiner take him to task for leaving. Sting and AJ pull down the top rope as Hernandez flies over the top rope and takes out all three guys on the floor. When we return from the commercial break, Steiner and AJ are in the ring. Steiner outpowers AJ and throws him over in a suplex, but AJ kicks out at two. Morgan tags in, and continues to isolate AJ. AJ manages to roll past Morgan and tag in Hernandez. Hernandez hits a shoulder block on Morgan. The match breaks down, with everyone fighting. Morgan kicks Hernandez in the gut, and goes to take him up for the Hellavator. Steiner enters the ring with a chair, but Morgan refuses to let him get involved or use it. This allows Hernandez to get away and tag in AJ, who takes down Morgan and gets the three-count. Post-match, Steiner and Booker get in Morgan’s face and berate him. Morgan starts to walk off with them, but levels Booker and Steiner with clotheslines instead. He points at Angle, and gestures that he was thinking. It will be Angle defending the World Heavyweight title against Morgan and two others as yet unchosen in the main event of the ppv.

FINAL THOUGHTS: Hamada debuting against Daffney was good. The concept of an international talent requesting a “No DQ” match for her debut is cool. Daffney’s promo was great, but (as The Green Teabagger said) crazy people don’t know that they’re crazy. Daffney’s one flaw is that she mentions being crazy too often. If Nash collects the bounty on Abyss, I’m breaking something. Once again, a near-cripple who can barely walk ends up fairly high up on the ppv card, while others much more deserving are not. Who is Madison Rayne’s mystery partner? Supposedly, it’s someone we’ll all recognize. I’m intrigued. “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero is looking great, but shouldn’t a street preacher get promo time? Dixie’s praise of Lashley was awkward, and a bit too much, almost as if no one else besides Angle and Lashley even needs to be on the TNA roster. Lashley is still terrible on the mic, even in a sit-down interview from a couch. Chris Sabin got tv time. Hooray!!! The Motor City Machine Guns actually had a match. More hooray!!!However, a tag team losing to one guy, even when that one guy is the “Monster” of the company, only makes the tag team look weak. Matt Morgan gave the best promo of his career in the MEM locker room, and the Morgan/Hernandez segment of the main event is the kind of thing of which we should see more in TNA. All in all, a good show. I’m curious to see where things go from here.

Peace out,

Drowgoddess

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