Home ▸ Drowgoddess ▸ “Impact Impressions” Returns! 6/3/10

Your friendly neighborhood Drowgoddess has returned to you, the BWF faithful, and I’ve brought my “Impact Impressions” with me! Huzzah!

I know nothing about spoilers and such, so this is all new. We open with a Mr. Anderson video. Mike Tenay and Taz talk about stuff. Sting hits the ring. His white make-up has red eyeliner and tears of blood. Lots of inside jokes for the smark crowd, like the place going Hollywood. Sting doesn’t believe that he owes an explanation to anyone. There are meanings behind his actions, which will be made known to everyone. Loud chants of “Why, Sting, why?” Too perfectly timed, really. Sting says that RVD was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Sting will take RVD’s title and reveal everyone’s true colors.

Eric Bischoff and Miss WhatsHerFace enter from the top of the ramp. Bischoff hobbles on a crutch. Bischoff thought he knew him. Hey, wait a minute! Bischoff says that Sting is nothing but a fraud, and not a super hero. Super Heroes don’t use baseball bats, or but their hands around the throat of the woman who runs the company. Um, clearly Bischoff has never seen “Watchmen.” Bischoff claims that he and Hogan put the company first, and the fans first. Sting has always put himself first. After I stopped choking on my juice and could actually breathe again, Bischoff announces that Sting has a match. His opponent is right behind him. SAMOA JOE!!! Samoa Joe beats up Sting. Matt Morgan joins in. Rob Van Dam runs in. Bischoff announces a tag team match for later that night, with RVD and Joe teaming against Sting and Morgan. RVD asks for a four-way match. Bischoff has no authority to change the match (except that he just changed the match from a Sting/Joe match to a tag team match with no problems), so he has to go ask Hogan. Hogan saves Bischoff the trouble and enters. He babbles in his usual camera-hogging way, but agrees with RVD.

To the locker room! Christy Hemme asks AJ Styles what’s wrong. AJ is pissed about the 3-way match that he just found out about. Flair and Kazarian are buddy-buddy. Flair gives Kazarian a watch. Hold on. Did Flair give Kazarian THAT watch???

Rosey Lotta Love vs. Roxxi: This is the tv debut of the woman who put Daffney on the shelf, and who was tgrained by Team 3D. She’s now Rosey Lotta Love, from Las Vegas, Nevada. I was apprehensive at first. Short but good match, where Rosey outpowers Roxxi all over the place. Madison Rayne comes out and interferes, but Roxxi gets the win with a “large package.” Rayne shrieks and shoves Rosey, who responds with a power bomb for Rayne. JB asks Rosey what’s up. Rosey vows to take out The Beautiful People. She kisses JB and leaves. By the time Rosey exited, I was excited about her, and all into the character. She’s very comfortable with it, and is plainly having a good time. She’s also a beast of power. I’m liking Rosey.

Winner: Roxxi

AJ Styles vs. Kazarian vs. Jay Lethal: Flair stays at ringside at the top of the ramp. The action of the match takes a back seat to the story of AJ and Kazarian teaming to beat up Lethal, and squabbling between themselves while doing so. Kazarian causes AJ to slip on a top rope move, and Lethal gets the win over AJ. Flair gets on the mic and rips into AJ, calling him “student,” “confused,” and says that he is not in Flair’s good graces. AJ is ordered to go home and decide what he wants to be. When Ric Flair gives you the gift of being his protege, you don’t drop the ball. As AJ storms up the ramp, hey, look, it’s Kurt Angle! Angle rises from the floor, wearing street clothes. AJ loses his mind, and stomps up the ramp.

Winner: Jay Lethal

Commercial for the “Fandemonium” dvd featuring Beer Money and the Motor City Machine Guns. I bought one, and it isn’t here yet.

To the ring! Angle tells Kazarian that he has come out to show him the respect he deserves. Before he makes him his first victim. Angle gave up his #2 position in the race for the World Heavyweight title, and will take on each of the ten contenders. Kazarian is #10, so he’s first. Flair gets the mic. Aww, crap! Shut up, you doddering old man! Flair can’t believe that Angle just walked right past him. Flair talks at great length about his youngest son, Reid. The one that Ring of Honor refused to hire because of two heroin busts? The one just hired by TNA? The very same. Flair babbles on and on about being God and Angle tries to leave. Flair tells Angle to let him leave first, and Angle can hold the rope. Angle complies, but Angle throws Flair off the ramp. Kazarian and Angle fight. Angle gets the better of Kazarian, and runs off the other two.

To the back! Matt Morgan talks to Sting, using the “we” bit. He asks Sting to function as a tag team and gain a 2-on-1 advantage. Sting leaves without saying anything.

Good God, this show is terrible!!! I came back for this? At least show me a Chris Sabin locker room shot.

To the back of the building! AJ is furious about being sent home by Flair. “I have to kill Jay Lethal, that’s what I have to do!” Um, really? Seriously?

To the video recap! The Mr. Anderson situation with Jeff Hardy, and the possible face turn, are revisited.

To the ring! Christy Hemme announces her guest, Mr. Anderson. Anderson stares at Hemme’s chest and butt. HE asks if that makes him an asshole. She says yes. Anderson tells the fans that they know they’re praying for a wardrobe malfunction, and everyone laughs. Anderson announces that at the “Slammiversary” ppv, Beer Money had blanks next to their names. Anderson stepped up to take care of that, but he couldn’t do it alone. His partner? Jeffrey Nero Freakin’ Hardy! Hardy enters to huge reaction. Hardy and Anderson are all BFFs. Enter Beer Money. Robert Roode says exactly what I just said! Roode asks what either one of them knows about tag team wrestling. Roode admits that Hardy had a go with his brother once, but Matt carried Jeff the whole time, and they sucked anyway, so they don’t count. Roode asks what makes them even think that they can step in the ring with Beer Money? Anderson asks why Roode’s hair is always wet. Anderson asks Storm why he wears sunglasses, as only two types of men wear sunglasses indoors, and that’s blind people and jerk-offs. Storm laughs, and Beer Money attacks Anderson and Hardy. Security runs out, but the fight continues.

And we’re back! The match between Jeff Hardy and James Storm doesn’t start yet, as the two are still beating the daylights out of each other around the ring. They eventually make it into the ring, and Storm DDTs Hardy through the ropes. The match is on.

Jeff Hardy vs. James Storm: Good match between these two. The true focus of this match is the chair. Storm brings a chair into the ring. The referee makes no move to get rid of said chair, even after seeing it clearly. Storm attempts a hurricanrana from the top turnbuckle, but Hardy hangs on. Storm chugs beer and spits it in Hardy’s eyes. One Eye of the Storm later, Hardy kicks out at two. Storm threatens to use the chair on the referee, and ends up running into the ropes with the chair, knocking himself down. Hardy hits the Twist of Fate for the win.

Winner: Jeff Hardy

Robert Roode vs. Mr. Anderson: Anderson rushes to the ring, no nonsense this time. Another match of solid quality and action. Roode is super-intense and all business as well. Nice blend of styles. Roode wins by using the ropes to cheat as he rolls up Anderson. Post-match, a mic descends from the ceiling to Anderson. Anderson points out that the only way that someone can beat him is through “chicanery and tomfoolery.” The crowd actually shouts “Anderson” for him.

Winner: Robert Roode

To the video package! Douglas Williams gives a fantastic promo about his role as X-Division Champion. The art form of professional wrestling in Europe is all about grounding your opponent and manipulating limbs. The acrobats of the X-Division need to be re-educated, and stop using such a selfish style that doesn’t do anything for the wrestling business in the long run. Learn to wrestle and take his belt away from him.

Desmond Wolfe and Orlando Jordan vs. “The Freak” Rob Terry and Abyss (w/ Chelsea): Oh, Jeebus! They gave Orlando Jordan the “masturbation weights” used in the commercial, and he’s wearing pasties of Rob Terry’s head. Please stop. This is awful. Abyss manhandles Jordan and throws him to the floor. Jordan lands at Chelsea’s feet, and hits on her. She slaps him. Wolfe yells at Jordan and Chelsea. Terry hit the Freakbuster on Jordan in the ring for the win. A waste here. Poor Desmond Wolfe.

Winner: Rob Terry and Abyss

To the video recap! Jesse Neal and the split from Team 3D. Apparently there’s a Brother Ray/Jesse Neal match at the ppv.

To the back! Jesse Neal is laid out across an equipment trunk with an Ace of Spades on his chest. Ok.

Matt Morgan vs. Sting vs. Rob Van Dam vs. Samoa Joe: RVD and Sting target each other for a significant portion of the match. Samoa Joe almost gets the win, but RVD steals it with a Five Star Frog Splash. Joe and RVD get nose to nose as credits roll.

Winner: Rob Van Dam

It’s great to be back, though my review was a bit lacking. Next time will be better.

Peace out,

Drowgoddess

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